In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
Women Are Like Waves
When she feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom, suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically, her wave begins to rise back up.
When a woman’s wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.
If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.
This experience is like going down into a dark well. When a women goes into her “well” she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships.
WHEN THE WAVE CRASHES
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn’t know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job, and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.
DON’T TRY TO FIX IT
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand, each time he can get better at supporting her by offering his love, patience, and understanding.
A woman going into the well is not a man’s fault. By being supportive, he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.
A man’s love and support cannot resolve a woman’s issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect the issues to come up again and again. Each time, he can get better at supporting her.
THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT HER WHEN YOU NEED TO PULL AWAY
1. Accept your limitations
Accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don’t try to listen when you can’t.
2. Understand her pain
She needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Don’t make her feel she’s wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love.
You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close.
3. Avoid arguing, give reassurance
By understanding her hurt, you won’t make her feel she’s wrong for being in pain. Although you can’t give the support she needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.
A woman’s tendency to give too much relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love. She doesn’t have to earn it. She can relax, give less, and receive more.
She deserves it.
If a woman doesn’t feel supported when she’s unhappy, then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.
By understanding how women are like waves, men can learn how to support their partners and give them the love they deserve.