If a woman is not asking for support, a man assumes he is giving enough.
How to Ask for Support and Get It
Many women make the mistake of thinking they don’t have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same. Men are not instinctively motivated to offer their support; they need to be asked.
STEP 1.
Ask for What You Are Already Getting
- Become aware of and acknowledge what your partner is already doing for you. Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, making reservations, and other chores.
- Begin asking him to do the things you know he’s willing to do. When he does those things, appreciate him.
- Temporarily give up expecting him to offer unsolicited support.
- In the beginning, do not ask for more than what he is used to giving. Practice the five tips for asking.
Five Asking Tips
1. Timing is crucial.
Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash, don’t say “Could you empty the trash?”
2. Use a nondemanding attitude.
A request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated and probably say no.
3. Be brief.
Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you. Long explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don’t trust him to support you.
When asking for support, assume that he doesn’t have to be convinced.
4. Be direct.
Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. A woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects him to offer his support.
Not Recommended
“The kids need to be picked up and I can’t do it.”
“The mail hasn’t been brought in.”
“We haven’t gone out in weeks.”
Recommended
“Would you pick up the kids?”
“Would you bring in the mail?”
“Let’s do something fun. Would you plan a date?”
Men always respond best to direct requests as opposed to implied requests.
5. Use correct wording.
By using correct wording, a man will be more motivated to provide what a woman wants.
One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of “could” and “can” in place of “would” and “will.” “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question gathering information. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request.
Use the “w” words. The “c” words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.
STEP 2.
Practice Asking for More
(EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)
Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already giving. When a man feels appreciated for what he is giving, then it’s time to ask for more in small increments.
In step 2, your objective is to ask for more while also giving the message he can say no and still receive your love and support.
Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no.
If You Want to Get, You Have to Ask
He is very busy with an important project. You don’t want to distract him because you sense how focused he is, but you also want to talk with him. Normally, you would not ask for some time, but you are practicing asking for more.
Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
STEP 3.
Practice Assertive Asking
Once you have practiced step 2 and can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses, you don’t say “OK,” as in step 2. Instead, practice making it OK that he resists, but continue waiting for him to say yes.
One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
If you break the silence, you lose your power.
On Venus, the motto is “Love is never having to ask!”
Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his support and she won’t have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his unsolicited support!
This approach to relationships with men doesn’t work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars, if you want support, you simply have to ask for it.
By learning the art of asking for support, your relationships will gradually become greatly enriched. As you are able to receive more of the love and support you need, your partner will also naturally be happy. Men are happiest when they feel they have succeeded in fulfilling the people they care about.
By learning to ask correctly for support, you not only help your man feel more loved, but you also ensure that you’ll get the love you need and deserve.