When we are upset, frustrated, or angry, it is difficult to communicate lovingly. At such times, talking turns to fighting. These are the times when talking does not work.
Fortunately, there is another alternative. Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. Writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner. By freely expressing and listening to your feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. Then there is no need to share your letter. Once you are feeling warm and friendly, you can focus on finding a solution without dwelling on the problem.
Writing the feeling letter
1. Give yourself about twenty minutes.
2. Find a quiet spot and address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding. You will not give your partner this letter. It is for your benefit only.
3. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret. Write a few sentences expressing each of these four levels of emotion.
After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling. The most releasing expressions are “I am angry,” “I am sad,” “I am afraid,” and “I am sorry.”
Our emotions are like an iceberg: We generally are aware of only a small fraction; the rest remains submerged.
4. By first exploring your negative emotions, automatically your positive feelings will begin to emerge. Take a few minutes to think about and express what you want, need, or wish, and then move on to express positive feelings of love, appreciation, forgiveness, and trust.
5. Sign your name at the end. Express the response you would like to hear from your partner.
Sample Feeling Letter About Arguing
Dear Vanessa,
Anger: I am angry that you get so emotional. I am angry that you are so sensitive. I am angry that you mistrust and reject me.
Sadness: I am sad that we are arguing. It hurts to lose your love. I am sad that we fought. I am sad that we disagree.
Fear: I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid you do not appreciate me. I am afraid to talk with you when you are so upset.
Regret: I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I don’t agree with you. I am sorry that I make your feelings wrong. I am sorry that I judged you.
Love: I love you and I want to work this out. I love you. This time, when we talk, I will be more understanding.
I love you,
Michael
P.S. The response I would like to hear is “I love you, Michael. I really appreciate what a caring and understanding man you are.”
Love brings up our unresolved feelings
Angry
Defensive
Demanding
Numb
Irritable
Critical
Healing the Past
One day we are feeling loved, and the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting our partner’s love.
Feelings that we could not express in our past may suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love thaws out our repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationship.
It is as though your unresolved feelings wait until you are feeling loved, and then they come up to be healed.
The 90/10 Principle
By understanding how unresolved past feelings periodically surface, we can understand why we become so easily hurt by our partners. When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally, only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.
A HEALING LETTER
Understanding how your past affects your present reactions helps you heal your feelings. If your partner has upset you in some way, write them a Healing Letter, and while you are writing, ask yourself how this relates to your past. As you write, you may find memories coming up to reveal unresolved feelings from your past. At this point, continue writing, but as if you are in the past.
Take a few minutes to explore and heal your past using the Feeling Letter format (Chapter 12).
By getting to the root cause of your upset, you are then free to appreciate and trust your partner in present time.