CHAPTER 17
Papa Was a Rolling Stone—Raina
“Thanks for cooking dinner!” Although I was enjoying my freedom at Kara’s, I missed Ma’s home cooking. My mouth salivated at the spread before me in Ma’s kitchen. Collards, lima beans with bacon, fried pork chops, and mac and cheese.
“Thanks for the cupcakes.” She waved at the red velvet cupcake I’d placed in the middle of her dinette table. “Now dig in.”
I grabbed the empty flower-power plate and then zeroed on the plates and platters of food on the kitchen counter. “I can’t believe you cook all this food every Sunday, and for fun.” I muttered the last part as I scooped mac and cheese onto my plate.
“What else am I gonna do? I’m fifty-six. I’m not trying to go out to the club or anything.”
“Then go out to eat.” My mouth watered at the crispy fried pork chop.
“I love to cook, unlike you. Just you, food, and a good movie are all I need.”
The hot sauce was already waiting for me when I returned to the small table in the dining room. “Thanks, Ma.”
“I know how you love your hot sauce. It’s gonna eat up your insides one day.”
“Until then . . .” I liberally shook the hot sauce on my food, except for the mac and cheese. That would be gross.
After she said grace, we dug in. Halfway through the meal, my phone rang. My little brother’s picture popped on my screen.
Ma looked down at the phone. I lifted my eyes to meet hers, checking her reaction to the disturbance from my brother.
Ma shrugged. “He’s your brother. I understand.”
I picked up the phone and left the kitchen, going back to my old room.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“He doesn’t have much time, Raina.” Vic sighed. “He’s dying. You need to come soon.”
I nibbled and then licked my lips. “How soon?” My voice croaked.
Vic blew out a breath. “A few days, maybe. Today or tomorrow would be better.”
“It’s that serious?”
“He’s only holding on because I told him I’d try again with you.”
“That’s not fair, Vic.” I paced the floor. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to see him again.”
I’m not ready to forgive.
“Like I told you before, life can be shit sometimes. This is one of those moments. He wasn’t father of the year. I know that, he knows that, and you know too. But if you have it in you, dig deep and come to Birmingham. Go to the hospice and give a dying old man peace of mind. He wants to see his baby girl all grown up. He can’t stop talking about you or writing on the damn dry erase board they gave to him to use when he loses his breath.”
“Well, I wanted to see my daddy when I was growing up, but guess what? It didn’t happen!” I yelled.
“Raina,” Vic rumbled, his voice ragged and rugged. He seemed to be losing patience. “Can you please, please just come? For me? I don’t wanna . . .” He sighed, softening his voice. “I don’t want to do this alone.”
Alone. I knew all about that. Regret and shame washed over me. I couldn’t leave my little brother alone to see his father dying. To make funeral arrangements and contact family and friends to notify them of his passing.
Damn, damn, damn!
“Fine, little brother. I’ll do this for you. Not for him. Sorry to sound heartless, but he doesn’t deserve closure.”
“When are you coming?” Vic’s voice was higher, optimistic even.
“I’ll leave early tomorrow morning.”
“Cool. I’ll be here.”
“Good. I’ve gotta go pack or whatever.”
“Yeah, pack for a few days, maybe a week.”
“You’re pushing it, Vic. Didn’t say I’d stay the entire time.”
“Yeah, but do you really want to drive back and forth?”
“I plan to show my face, say ‘Hi, you can die in peace, and have a good afterlife.’ I’ll come back to help you with funeral arrangements.”
“C’mon, Raina. You aren’t working full-time, and my job is being flexible, but it’s been hard lately. They want me to come into the office soon.”
“Fine, Vic,” I bit off. “See you tomorrow.”
“Thanks, big sis. Glad I’m not doing this alone.”
“I know. I’m glad you’re not alone.” I sighed and melted a bit. It wasn’t his fault our dad was a dying asshole.
“Bye, Rae-Rae.”
“Bye, Vickie.” I clicked the end button. “Dammit!” I yelled, flinging my cell on the bed. “Motherfucker!”
Ma knocked on the door. “Hey, baby. What’s going on?”
I leaned against the wall. “Victor Senior isn’t looking so good right now.”
Ma nodded, sadness overpowering her still youthful features. She’d overhead that Daddy was dying from when Vic and I first met. “So, you’re going to see him. To say goodbye.” It wasn’t a question. It was as if she knew I’d eventually cave.
I nodded.
“I knew you would. You’re a good girl.” Tears in her eyes, she leaned in and hugged me. “I know this is hard for you. You were a daddy’s girl, and as much as you hate him, you love him just a little more, don’t you?”
Tears clogged my throat. “I dunno. Maybe.”
“You do.” Ma stepped back, looking at me with tears and pride shining in her eyes. “Because I felt—no I feel the same way.” She squeezed my shoulders. “It’s okay to love someone. Even when they don’t deserve it.”
“I hate that I feel so weak, so silly. I wish I could remove my feelings and throw them away.”
She nodded. “Because with all this love comes pain when they’ve done you wrong. It’s hard to separate the two.”
“When did you get so wise?”
Ma laughed. “Your grandma and I may not have gotten along, but she raised me, and some things stuck. Now, let’s get back to dinner. I want to try that fancy cupcake you got me.”
* * *
Chills scraped my spine when I crossed over the Georgia border into Alabama the next morning. I zoned out and sped until I reached Birmingham. I grabbed my cell and dialed Vic. “I’m here, little brother.”
“At the home?”
“No, but I just entered the city. GPS says I should be there in twenty minutes or less. Who should I ask for when I get there?”
“They have your name. Just sign in and mention his name.”
“Cool. See you soon.” I cut off the call before he could shower me with more gratitude. I didn’t want it. In fact, I was slightly miffed that I was in this situation. I wanted to confront Victor on my own terms. I couldn’t exactly curse a dying man out.
I finally arrived in front of the hospice, Summerhill Homes. The facility was nice enough, and it sat perched atop a hill that made me wonder why in the hell they would put an old folks’ home that high. Poor orderlies. Oh, and old people, too.
The sign was slightly faded, but the landscaping was lush. Mixes of different color flowers I couldn’t name and bright green bushes made the outside welcoming. But once I entered the building, I knew it couldn’t mask the stench of death. Antiseptics, soiled clothes, and bleach assailed my nose.
“Raina Williams here to see Victor Williams,” I told the college-aged boy at the desk.
He pointed to a clipboard on the desk. “Sign in and I’ll radio our facilities coordinator.”
After I signed in, I lingered in the hallway. Not quite sure what to do with myself, I thrummed my wiggling fingers against the wall in the hallway and hummed a little, nothing in particular but something to quell my need to run away and never come back.
“Ms. Williams?”
“Right here.” I raised my hand like an elementary school student being called to the principal’s office.
“C’mon back,” the woman in purple scrubs said. “Your brother and father are waiting for you.”
“Oh, Victor, um, Senior isn’t asleep?” I glanced at my cell phone. It was just eight a.m.
“Nope, he’s wide awake. He’s been so excited he could barely sleep last night.”
“Awesome.” I followed the caretaker down the hallway. Soft music and televisions cut through the eerie silence that had met me at the front of the building.
My gladiator sandals squeaked against the linoleum flooring until we finally arrived in front of the door.
“Knock, knock!” Her voice was slow and bright, the perfect impression of a kindergarten teacher. “Mr. Williams, your daughter is here.”
Daddy lay tucked under covers in bed, a breathing tube under his nose and the oxygen tank on the side of the bed.
His nutmeg skin had paled. When he gave a tired wave, I noticed large veins protruded from his hand.
“Raina.” His voice was weak, shaking and vibrating with emotion.
“Hey.” I gave an awkward wave.
Vic smiled from his chair and then stood. “Good to see you, Rae-Rae.” He gave me a hug.
He waved at his chair. “Take a seat.”
“Oh, I’ll get another one. I don’t want to take yours.”
“That’s okay. I’m about to head out soon anyway.”
“What?” I turned away, my back to Daddy, who was staring on in interest. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I thought you were staying, too.”
“I’ll be back after work tomorrow. They want me to come in for the day. I need to wrap up a project.”
“And you can’t do it from here? Your father is dying.” Sure, it was a low blow, but I couldn’t be here by myself. I wrung my hands.
“Not cool, Raina,” he whispered. “I’ve been here taking care of the old man. I need you to do me a solid. If you don’t want to talk to him, fine. He can’t talk that much anyway. Just read a book, watch TV, and kick up your feet. Relax.”
“Sure.” I narrowed my eyes. “Because watching your father die at a hospice is just like a weekend at the spa.”
Vic twitched his lips. “Sarcasm doesn’t become you.”
“Nor you.” I rolled my eyes.
Daddy wheezed from behind me. Looking up to the ceiling, I sighed and then looked back at my brother. “Fine. I’ll handle it. Go to work. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I knew you wouldn’t let me down. And Cam said you’d give in.”
Of course. He and Cam were still bosom buddies or whatever. Despite the mention of my ex, my heart lifted. Someone depended on me. It felt nice. I punched his shoulder. “Yeah, yeah. Get out of here.”
* * *
For the past few hours, Daddy had slipped in and out of sleep. When he was awake, he stared at me, as if committing me to memory. Tears would gather and I’d look away. I hadn’t said anything to him yet. What was there to say?
Daddy wheezed again, grabbing my attention away from the rain pelting on the window.
“Come.” He waved at me and then patted the bed.
“Um, I don’t know about that, old man.”
“Need to tell you something. Not over there.” His breathing was labored.
“All right. All right.” I settled in bed next to him. From the other side, he grabbed a small whiteboard.
Writer? He wrote in a shaky script.
I nodded.
Read to me.
“You want me to read what I’ve written?”
He nodded, smiling.
I sighed, shaking my head. “Um, I don’t know. I’m still making edits, so it’s a little rough.”
He pointed to the board again, silently demanding that I read to him.
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure why he wanted to hear my ramblings, but for some reason, I couldn’t deny his request. Oddly, I was proud. Proud that he would know that I had grown up to be a writer, despite his neglect.
I pulled the tablet from my backpack and powered it up. “Okay, I guess I’ll start from the beginning.”
For the next hour, I read my book out loud. Daddy smiled huge and even laughed a few times, losing his breath. I would stop when he did.
He grabbed his whiteboard. Keep going.
“I had a whiteboard, too, at my old job at the radio station. I used to be a radio personality, and I would play hangman when I had crazy callers.”
Listened to every show.
I snorted. “Sure you did.”
He nodded earnestly and erased the whiteboard. Jeffrey the Cat. He pointed to the board and smiled, then erased again.
“Oh, the song dedication to the cat. Good times. Okay, so you listened to my recent work.”
Girl. Suicide.
“H-how? How did you hear about her? That was back in college.” Nadia had sent me an email a few months ago. She and her husband had just found out she was preggers with baby #3. She’d also sent a family picture. I was so happy for her. She had healed and started a new life with a good man, despite losing her mom, father, and sister in a car accident when they were on their way back home from a visit with her in college.
I listened to EVERY show.
I smiled, believing him this time. I kept on reading.
* * *
Two days had passed. Somehow, we got into an easy flow. I read for an hour. Daddy even gave me feedback on occasion, as much as he could—changing a word here or there.
A knock on the door interrupted my reading.
“Hey, Vickie!” I greeted my brother when he popped his head into the door. An athletic bag was slung over his shoulder.
He gave me a two-finger salute. “Rae-Rae.” His eyes drifted to Daddy. “What are you guys up to?”
I lifted my reader in my hand. “Reading my soon-to-be New York Times best seller.”
“What?” Vic walked into the room and sat. “I’ve been begging you to let me read your book.”
“I wasn’t ready.”
He lifted an eyebrow and waved toward Daddy. “Obviously you are.”
“Fine. I’ll send it to you tonight.”
Vic sighed, leaned back in his seat, and closed his eyes. “I’m beat. I’ll just listen for now, like Pop.”
“Fine.” I turned my attention back to my dad. Tears shone in his eyes.
“Chapter Eighteen: The Girls with No Booties are always the main ones trying to twerk.”
Vic’s eyes flew open. “Really?”
“Really. Sit back and learn something, young one.”
I read the chapter to lots of laughter—from Victor—and wheezing—from Daddy. A few nurses came in to ask about the commotion.
“All right, Raina.” Vic shook his head. “I have to admit that it’s good. Who knew you’d break down self-esteem issues so thoroughly?”
“I aim to please. People hate being preached to. You have to make it funny and relatable. I got to do that a bit on my radio show, but I love writing. I get to explore and delve as deep as I want and not worry about commercials or offending the FCC.”
Vic stood and stretched. “I’m hitting up the vending machine. You want anything?”
“Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups if they have them.”
Victor grinned. “You love those, too?”
I nodded. “Loved them since . . .”
Memories flooded me. Daddy returning home with a pack of Reese’s. If he hit it big that week, he’d bring home a king-sized pack.
Daddy swallowed from the bed, jerked his head down.
“Yeah,” I whispered and looked away. “I love them.”
Vic dropped his smile and then reached for my shoulder for a comforting squeeze. “I’m gonna make a quick call, too. I’ll be back—”
“Take your time. You’ve left me by myself for two days.” I shrugged and lifted my tablet. “Just know that you’re missing out.”
He grinned, waved at Daddy, then left the room.
“Okay, just me and you again. And lookee here, only two chapters left.”
Daddy nodded, as if to say “go on.”
“Chapter Nineteen: The Girl . . .” I stumbled a bit on the title. “The Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Love.”
I took a deep breath and read. This chapter was for women like me, issues a mile long and dragging baggage any which way they can. I’d occasionally look up from my passage. Daddy was tired, his breathing more labored. I was surprised he’d lasted this long. I finally ended the chapter.
You know how to love.
“Do I?” I shook my head. “You were the first man to break my heart. I don’t think it’s been the same since the day you left us.”
Sorry. Want to be good. But bad. You love Junior.
“He’s hard not to love.” I grinned. “And yes, I love him. Love my mom. Love y—” I stopped myself from the confession. I didn’t want to torture him, but I couldn’t give him power over me again. Words were powerful. If I gave in, told him I loved him, he could break my heart again. This time it wouldn’t be his fault. He’d break my heart when he died. I couldn’t afford another crack.
“Chapter Twenty: The Girl Who Became a Woman.” I read the last chapter and sighed, still looking at my book. “Well? What do you think? Am I destined for stardom?” I hadn’t asked for his opinion, didn’t want to until I was done reading the book.
“Proud,” his scratchy voice whispered. He struggled to breathe.
I looked up, peered over the top of my brightly lit screen, and smiled.
Daddy pulled in another breath. He winced. His brown eyes reflected his pain. He looked at me, really looked at me, as if he were burning me into his memory, etching me into his soul.
My heart stuttered. I knew, suddenly I knew.
He was ready. He wanted to leave this world, but he held on. I knew then why he lingered.
“Daddy, I love you. I forgive you.”
He blinked rapidly, breathing heavily again, and gave me a near-imperceptible nod.
I stood, leaned over his frail body, and kissed his forehead. I smoothed the roughened grooves with the back of my hand. “I’ll take care of Vickie. He won’t ever be alone. Promise.”
“Love you,” he whispered. He continued to stare at me until the light dimmed in his eyes. With one last breath, he died.
The monitor flatlined into a steady whine. A nurse rushed around me, stood over him, and then closed his eyes. He’d died in peace, with his children, surrounded by love. More than he could ask for, I know he’d say, but he got it. And I was proud I was able to give him closure.
Victor rushed into the room, took in Daddy’s lifeless body, and gulped deep. I opened my arms and he rushed into them. Hot tears splashed on my cheeks, cascaded down my shoulders.
“I don’t have parents anymore.” Victor’s voice shook.
“No, but you’ve got me. And your big sister has a lot of making up to do.” I squeezed his torso.
“We’ve got each other, Raina.”
I nodded. “We do. And one day we’ll grow our family. You’ll have kids and so will I. They’ll be cousins and best friends. Maybe we’ll live beside each other.”
“Now you’re taking it too far.”
I laughed and sniffed. “Okay, but five miles tops. You can’t be too far away.”
“I can deal with that. But you’ll have to ask my wife first.”
“She’ll love me.” I stepped away from his arms. I turned and took in the nurses’ worried faces.
“It’s okay. We’re okay.” I side squeezed my brother. “Vic, you call all of his friends and family, and I’ll make arrangements with Nurse Penny.”
Victor pulled out his phone, avoiding Daddy’s body in the bed. “You sure?”
“I’ve got this. You handle the calls and let me know if you want help with that, too.”
* * *
The funeral director parked the hearse. He cleared his throat. “Ready?” His voice felt like a warm cup of chamomile tea, soothing and just the right temperature.
I steadied Vic’s bouncing knee with my hand. “Yeah. We’re ready.”
The church service had gone by in a blur. There wasn’t much of a crowd. Most of his gambling buddies had died, which left a sprinkling of family I hadn’t seen in years, a few of Vic’s friends, Sienna, Kara, and Mama.
Now we were at the grave site. Surprisingly, Daddy had wanted to be buried in Atlanta, by his parents and the sister who died before I was born. Vic had seemed bothered that he wouldn’t be laid to rest by his mother, but he hadn’t put up much of a fight. I think Vic needed to move on as much as I had.
The funeral director opened my door. Carefully, I placed my heels on the concrete as he assisted me out of the car. My brother stepped beside me. I reached for his hand and took a deep breath. “Don’t let go.”
He squeezed my hand and nodded. We marched forward, the small crowd already in place. I smiled and nodded at Sienna and Kara, and my mouth popped open in surprise when I spotted Nikki. She gave me a soft smile, yet her eyes told me girl, what the hell?
I gave her a quick nod and then my attention went to Ma, who stood by my friends. She, too, gave me a sad smile and then blew me a kiss.
A tap on my shoulder startled me. Fixing my lips into a smile, I turned to graciously accept the condolences that were sure to follow.
“Hey.”
My breath caught. “C-cam?” My body shook from the impact. It had been months since I’d seen him.
“What are you doing here?”
His dark eyes swirled with emotion. “You text me nonstop, but you don’t when your father dies?” He seemed confused, uneasy.
“You didn’t seem to be interested in seeing me, so I . . . I didn’t want to bother you. Anyway . . . thanks for coming here for Vic Junior.”
“You’re never a bother, Raina. And I’m here for you, if you’ll have me.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. Damn, this entire time I hadn’t cried about Daddy’s passing, but this man, my soul mate, swallowing his pride to take care of me had me sniffling like a proud mama on her daughter’s wedding day.
“No pressure,” Cam whispered “I just want to be here for you.”
I hadn’t realized how long I’d been staring at Cameron. “I’ll have you,” I whispered. Forever.
Cam smiled and blew a relieved breath, then he grabbed my hand.
Vic snorted. “You knew damn well she was gonna have you.”
“Shut up, Vickie.” I bumped his shoulder with mine.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go sit down.” With Cam and Vic on either side, we settled in the three seats in front of Daddy’s final resting place.
Everyone took a seat. The program was short and sweet, as Daddy would’ve wanted. The funeral director gave us roses and we tossed them on the casket.
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” I repeated after the preacher.
“Goodbye, Daddy. Love you.”
Cameron flinched beside me. We turned away and walked toward the car. Vic speed-walked in front of us. I knew he was trying to give us space. I stopped in my tracks. “I love you, you know.”
“I know you do, Raina. I love you, too.”
“I know this isn’t the most romantic spot to confess, but I want it all with you. I want to be your wife, I want kids, I want to be yours. For always.”
Cameron shook his head and looked around. “Only you would propose grave side.”
“Oh, I’m not proposing. You have to ask me again.”
“Nope.” We walked to the car. He opened the door and we both slid in.
Cam resumed the conversation. “You have to propose. I want candles, some R-and-B slow jams, and it wouldn’t hurt if you wore lingerie.” He leaned in and whispered, “Or nothing at all.”
“Trying to grieve over here.” Vic stuck fingers in his ears. “La la la la. You two are disgusting.”
I tilted my head back and laughed. Today I’d told my Daddy goodbye for the last time. This time he didn’t leave on his own accord. I’d forgiven him, forgiven myself, and in the process gained a little brother and devoted boyfriend—soon-to-be husband, once he proposed. My heart was full.