When words don’t work, boundaries must come next. That is, when an individual doesn’t acknowledge the effect of his or her actions on you, you will need to set a limit. The limit protects you from further difficulty, but it also provides an experience for the other person that can be more powerful and have more impact than your words.
A boundary is simply a property line. It clarifies where you end and the other person begins. You form boundaries with your words, with your actions, and sometimes with the help of other people. Boundaries help you to be clear about what you are for and against and what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationships.
To see how setting limits plays out in relationships, it’s important to understand that there are two types of boundaries — defining boundaries and protective boundaries. Each kind of boundary has a distinct purpose. It’s important that you learn the difference, because defining boundaries should become permanent in your life, while protective boundaries are the ones you can move “beyond.”
Defining boundaries are values that establish who you are and who you are not. They are at the core of your identity and reflect what you believe is important and valuable in life. Here are a few examples:
• I follow God and his ways and will always live my life in him.
• I love my family and friends, and I will treat them with grace and truth.
• I will always be growing and will not get off the path.
• I know my mission and purpose in life, and I will not divert from it.
• I say and receive the truth; I’m neither silent in saying it nor defensive in receiving it.
These defining boundaries help you and others know the real you, the person who has substance and stands for things that matter. They help guide your decisions and directions in life.
Here are some examples of how defining boundaries might be used in your relationships:
• “I’m looking for a position that fits my strategic abilities rather than one that is in operations.”
• “We have a rule that all who live in this house go to church.”
• “I want to hear the truth from you about how you think we are doing in our relationship.”
• “I’m a night owl, so let’s not plan something that requires that we get up at, oh, dark thirty.”
This is simply how you tell people who you are and how they tell you who they are. You clarify and define yourselves with these sorts of boundaries.
Protective boundaries are different. They are designed to “guard your heart” (Proverbs 4:23), and your life, from danger or trouble. There are times when you must protect your values, emotions, gifts, time, and energy from people and situations that may waste or injure them. Protective boundaries have several elements to them. You have to face the reality that talking hasn’t fixed a situation, and you have to set a limit.
A protective boundary might begin with a statement like this: “I want us to work this out, but nothing I’ve said has made any difference, so I’m taking a different route.” This affirms that you value the relationship and that you want the other person to understand that your actions are not punitive but, ultimately, redemptive. You are simply trying to solve a difficulty in the relationship with your protective boundaries. The consequences portion of the boundary then needs to be stated in an “If… then …” form to make sure the other person understands you mean business. For example, consider the following statements:
• “If you continue being thirty minutes late to events, I will take a separate car.”
• “I need a better work ethic from you in the office, or we’ll have to make some changes.”
• “If you keep spending over our budget, I will cut up the credit cards.”
• “I can’t lend you any more money until I see you making serious efforts to find a job.”
• “I want to bring your grandkids to see you, but if you just surf the Web while we’re there, it’s not worth it to come.”
• “I want to see my grandkids at times when you don’t need a babysitter; otherwise I feel taken advantage of.”
• “If you won’t stop drinking too much or using drugs, I will take the kids and move out.”
Here’s the important distinction between a defining boundary and a protective boundary. A defining boundary is forever and unchangeable, part of what makes you “you”; a protective boundary can change if the other person responds to it in a healthy way. Your defining boundaries mean that, for example, you will always follow God, love people, be committed to personal and spiritual growth, and so forth. These are the core parts of you, and you don’t change them. But you might change a protective boundary if the other person understands what they are doing to you and makes a significant change. Then you might lessen or end the consequence: no separate cars, no making changes, reissue the credit cards, and so forth. When the change happens, you no longer need the protection.
Here’s another way to think about the distinction between defining and protective boundaries. Your skin is like a defining boundary — it’s virtually unchanging, except for how you age. It comprises the human cells that, when taken together as a whole, form what most people identify as you. When people see you and say, “There is Jodi,” they are observing your skin. In other words, skin is a defining boundary. You don’t change your skin. You identify yourself by it.
Now think about the clothes you wear. They protect you from the elements. In good weather, you wear lighter and fewer clothes. In bad weather, you bundle up. Your clothes change as your need for protection changes. Protective boundaries are like the clothes you need. You adjust them based on how safe you are. In some relationships, you may only need the emotional equivalent of shorts and a T-shirt. And in others, you may need bomb squad gear. Set and keep your defining boundaries — your skin — as a permanent part of who you are. But allow some wiggle room in your protective boundaries.
A couple I worked with had a money problem. The wife was a spendthrift and would not deny herself whatever she could put on her credit cards: clothes, dinners, and online purchases. The habit was not only alienating them but also threatening to ruin their relationship. The husband was constantly afraid that no matter how much he earned and how frugal he was, all their money was going down a hole. After we met, I realized that she did not see how severe the problem was. She said, “He is too worried about tomorrow, and he becomes controlling, and we don’t live for today. He doesn’t realize that it could all go away tomorrow, and we would not have had a real life. I wish he would understand that.” Though the husband was somewhat overly obsessive about money — a marriage misdemeanor — her over-budget spending of thousands per year was a marriage felony.
After I understood the dynamics, I recommended that they separate their finances for a time. He would be in control of his and she of hers. It was a little complicated, but she had a job and an income of her own, and they agreed to the terms. Over time, she experienced the reality of what it was like to live on her own finite income and began to live under budget. At some point, we agreed that they were enough on the same page to do away with the protective boundary of the separate finances and to join their financial lives together again. However — and this is the important point — they have agreed that they will always have the defining boundary of both submitting to a realistic budget and keeping their mutual spending in line. That will never change.
Anyone, at any time, can reject your boundaries. That is the tough reality. The other person always has a choice. No matter what you say or do, if the other person thinks you’re being unfair, unreasonable, unloving, or punitive, and won’t change his or her mind about it, you have to accept it. Your choice to have a boundary must be protected, and his or her choice to not agree with yours must also be protected.
For example, I counseled a couple in which the husband, Carl, was verbally harsh and mean to his wife, Jackie. I worked long and hard with him to face his issues, to understand how destructive his actions were to her, and to help him change. But Carl continually minimized his effect on Jackie and blamed her for provoking his anger. Finally, I told them that until Carl “got it,” I was concerned about her emotional health. I recommended that whenever he began yelling at her for being ten minutes late for dinner, Jackie should leave the room and, if she had to, the house, until he experienced how deeply he was hurting her. Carl did not agree with my recommended boundary. When Jackie began to act on my recommendation, he got angrier and meaner. And finally, over a long and painful series of events, he found someone else and divorced Jackie.
You may ask if it was worth it for Jackie to set those boundaries and perhaps also wonder if the boundaries themselves caused the breakup. In reality, the problem was not the boundaries. Jackie didn’t leave Carl or her commitment to him. She was committed to the relationship and was only protecting herself. Carl was the one who made the choice to leave; she did not force him out. And Jackie’s opinion is that, while she was very sad about the loss of the marriage, if she had it all to do over again, she would have still set the boundaries for herself. You don’t let another person’s relational terrorism threats prohibit you from doing the right thing.
The point is this: your boundaries will create a space, a separation, between you and someone in your life. That person will have a choice to either bridge the separation by making changes and becoming more loving or to increase the distance by moving further away or even leaving the relationship. You can do everything you can to glue things together, but you can never, in your own power, make a person stay with you. Staying or going is always a choice, one that God has given to every person in every area of life: “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15). When we love people, we are for them, but we set our boundaries against hurtful or dangerous behavior and let them determine their direction — toward us or away from us.
Sometimes people tell me, “Boundaries didn’t work for me.” They usually mean that when they set a protective limit, the other person blew up or left. But boundaries aren’t guaranteed to instill ownership, responsibility, or concern in someone. They can bring reality and clarity. They can protect you. They can show someone the path to change. But boundaries can’t remove the other person’s choice. So if you look at the real purpose of boundaries from this perspective, they do work. And if you set a boundary and it doesn’t have the impact you hoped, I want you to understand that this is still good news. It is diagnostic. It gives you information you need about the character of the other person and the problem you are experiencing. Better to have a doctor’s diagnosis for a problem than to avoid making the appointment and allow the problem to do more damage.
When you set and keep good boundaries, you create space and separateness in the relationship that has consequences for the other person; but it’s also important to understand that these same boundaries have emotional consequences for you. Sometimes people don’t expect the feelings that emerge when they set a limit, and they don’t know what to do about that. The next chapter will explain that.