If you want to give an existing relationship a second chance, this chapter is for you. When you’ve been let down by someone who matters a great deal to you, moving beyond boundaries is not easy work — but it is important. If you are willing to risk and try again, good for you. Unless you are seriously codependent, your willingness means you have the sort of character that walks the second mile with someone. And that is a good thing.
At the same time, it’s important that you think this through clearly. Your heart may be in the right place, for it is never wrong to care about someone. But, risk or no risk, you are always the guardian of your heart. As the steward of your one and only life, it is your responsibility — to God and to yourself — to be vulnerable when it is safe to do so. To open yourself up to a person who has shown no sign that things will be different is to jeopardize yourself. One of the most important things you can do in this regard is to figure out if the problem that was previously an obstacle is truly being transformed. In other words, is this person really changing? Is the big problem being solved the right way?
Here’s an example. I worked with a couple in which the husband, Bill, was a nice guy but irresponsible. He was one of those likeable people who loves to hang out with others and is a lot of fun. But Bill’s performance in life did not match up to his personality, especially in the area of finances and spending. He overspent on cars, gadgets, and entertainment. He also hid his spending habits, which meant his wife, Pam, was routinely surprised by huge credit card bills. These patterns took a major toll on the marriage. Pam was terrified of an uncertain financial future with him. She was not perfect and had her own issues as well, but his behavior came close to breaking up the marriage.
In our work together, Pam was clear that though she still loved Bill, she had lost all trust in him. She could not believe anything he said. “If he told me at noon that the sun was shining, I would go outside to check,” she said. As is common in these situations, Bill did not want to acknowledge the severity of the problem or make the necessary changes. He wanted Pam to change, to stop blaming him, and to learn to trust him. “If you would be nicer to me and trust me,” he said, “I would feel more supported, and I’d do better in my career.”
I had to step in there and say, “You are right; she shouldn’t be mean to you or attack you. But I don’t want her to trust you.”
Bill was bothered by that and said, “Don’t you want the marriage to work out?”
“Sure I do,” I said. “I want Pam to love you with no strings attached. But that is different from trust. While love is free, trust is earned. In the area of financial responsibility, I don’t want her to relax and trust you until we have evidence that you have changed.”
Again, Bill didn’t like that: “You’re both judging me,” he said.
“No,” I said, “neither of us is consigning you to hell. There is no judgment in this office. But you have not shown that you understand how deeply you have hurt her, nor have you made the necessary changes so that she can trust you again. If you and I were neighbors and I borrowed your screwdriver and didn’t return it, then borrowed your saw and didn’t return it, then your pliers and didn’t return them, what would you do if I asked to borrow your hammer?”
“Of course I wouldn’t lend it to you,” he said. “Okay, I see the point.”
Bill wasn’t as sorry as I wanted him to be at that point. He still didn’t seem to be able to acknowledge the impact he had on his wife, but it was progress.
“Here’s the deal,” I said. “I want you to submit your finances to Pam on a monthly basis for a year. She is in charge. You get an allowance. You both see a financial planner together. And we’ll see, month by month, if you are really changing for her sake and the relationship’s sake.”
I turned to Pam: “If he does what I am asking, would you be open to trusting him again?”
“I would,” she replied. “I want to get all this behind us. But it has to be real.”
They agreed to the plan. Bill did some blaming at first, which happens frequently. But he humbled himself and allowed her to be in charge of the money. It wasn’t easy, and there were some bumps, but by month four, Pam said to me, “I think I’m ready to trust him again. Let’s let go of the plan; I want him to feel like he has his freedom again.”
“I’m willing to compromise from a year to six months,” I said, “but not down to four. Let’s stay on the plan another sixty days.”
As it turned out, Bill did fine. And Pam was able to get past her hurt and mistrust, because he had truly changed.
Hurt and mistrust are nothing more than signals. They tell you that you either have some healing to do, or the other person has some changing to do — or both. It’s important to remember both sides of the equation, the “you” side and the “other person” side. If you don’t heal, as we talked about in part 2, you won’t ever be able to trust anyone. When the trust muscle is torn, it won’t operate — no matter how safe or right the other person is. If the other person isn’t trustworthy, your trust can direct you into some blind alleys. So, while monitoring if you are learning to trust again, also monitor how the other person is doing in the arena that caused a break in trust in the first place.
You need to see evidence of authentic transformation in order to move beyond boundaries with someone who has hurt you. That may seem like a difficult thing to assess, but there are at least four key pieces of evidence that characterize real heart change, all of which are observable — confession, ownership, remorse, and changed behavior. The degree to which these things are evident — or absent — is the degree to which you can feel safe about trusting this individual again.
Confession is agreement with the truth. Simply put, the person must agree that she has behaved in a way that has caused you distress. Confession is about reality, not perception. Something she did had a negative effect on you, and she and you agree on that. Confession provides a way for people to begin to reconnect as they acknowledge and agree about the truth of what has happened between them.
There are two parts to confession — agreement about what was done and agreement that it affected you. That is what you need to hear from someone with whom you want to move beyond boundaries. If she simply agrees that the behavior happened but fails to acknowledge that it impacted you, you don’t have the kind of full confession that allows you to move on with each other.
I was consulting with a company beset by relational problems at the executive level. Among other things, I found that the president had lost touch with those who reported to her. Her tendency to be abrupt and direct came across to her colleagues as harsh and critical. She had alienated the people she supervised, and some of her top talent was close to quitting. The issue that kept her from solving that problem was a lack of full confession of how her harshness affected others.
I coached her on how to make better connections and on learning to admit when she was too brutal with them. I thought we were making progress, but we encountered a speed bump when I heard that she had done it again to a direct report. She had flayed him about a tactical error he had made in the company strategy, and she had done it in front of several of his colleagues. He was humiliated. I told her, “You have to change this. Go to him and apologize. You’re the leader here.” Her response was disappointing: “It’s not that bad; he needs to have a thicker skin.”
That is sometimes true, but not in this case. Her direct reports had pretty thick hides. She had no idea how deeply she demoralized these people. I had to be blunt with her, and though it took a while, she began to acknowledge the impact her behavior had on them. But it didn’t happen until we talked about the relationship she had with her own cold and critical mother, who deeply wounded her and whose impact she had never fully dealt with. As a young adult, she simply left home and moved on, never knowing that she was repeating the relational dynamic she experienced with her mom. That understanding, and remembering how her mom’s behavior had affected her, helped her soften up with others.
When the other person confesses, look for both admission of the truth and for acknowledgment that the behavior impacted you:
• I have been drinking too much and I know it scares you.
• I have been withdrawn and I know you feel lonely.
• I have been too angry and I know it has hurt your feelings.
• I have given you mixed messages about our relationship and I know you are confused.
• I have not been forthcoming with the truth and I know you can’t trust me.
Keep both sides of the equation in mind; if they are not there, explain why they are important to you and to the relationship. Help the person to do both. Most reasonably healthy people can pull this off.
To own a behavior is to take responsibility for it, without blame or excuse. When you own something, you are saying, “This is my problem and no one else’s.” If the person in your life owns his or her behavior, that’s an encouraging sign. It feels good when someone owns what he’s done; it makes you feel safer. In fact, you are safer because the person isn’t disregarding his or her behavior. You can relax a bit and come closer. When the other person blames external forces, including you, for her behavior, she is effectively saying: I am not really responsible for what I did, and therefore whatever really caused it could drive me to do it again. Watch out for me; I’m not in control of this.
Take a look at the paired statements that follow for more examples of what it means when someone takes, or fails to take, ownership:
Ownership: My drinking is a problem.
No ownership: I need some stress relief from my work.
Ownership: I withdraw and isolate myself from you. Though there are reasons for it, it’s my problem.
No ownership: I have to pull away because you are hard to live with.
Ownership: I blow up in anger when I shouldn’t and I need to work on this.
No ownership: You push me too far.
Ownership: I give you mixed messages, and they are a reflection of my own confusion inside.
No ownership: You want too much from me.
Ownership: I have been lying to you, and I have chosen that.
No ownership: Your lack of support makes me hide the truth.
Certainly, you may have made things more difficult because of your own issues, and you must always acknowledge those and work on changing them. But, even though you contribute to the relational problem, you do not cause hurtful behavior. Look for ownership instead of excuses or blame. Ask for it. Educate the other person about what it means to own her behavior and don’t settle for less.
Remorse is a good sign. It is a deep regret for what the remorseful person has done to you. Expressing remorse demonstrates love and care and affirms that your experience is important to the person even if in facing up to it, it is uncomfortable. It indicates that the person has the capacity to temporarily set aside his or her own reality and feel empathy for what has happened to you. You need to feel remorse for what you do to others, just as it is helpful for you to receive it as well from others.
Remorseful feelings are not guilt feelings, though they are often confused for each other. The emotion of guilt is a self-condemnation for a wrong done. It is self-oriented and self-attacking. It is more about the person’s internal world than about his or her compassion for you. Imagine that someone important to you has mistreated you. He understands he’s done something wrong and is talking to you about it. Which of these two statements would you rather hear him say?
Guilt: “I am such a horrible person for what I did to you. I keep doing it over and over again, even though I know better. But I just can’t seem to stop. What is wrong with me?”
Remorse: “I’m so sorry for what I did to you. This must have really hurt you. Can you tell me more about it? I don’t want to ever do this to you again.”
Do the word count here. The guilt statement has six “I” words and one “you” word. The remorse statement has four “I” words and four “you” words. The difference is in the “you” words. In a healthy remorse statement, the energy and focus centers more on the injured party than the transgressing party. It conveys comfort and empathy. In contrast, the guilt statement leaves you feeling empty because it actually has little to do with you.
If the person tends more toward guilt than remorse, know that this is not by any means a deal breaker. At least she feels bad about something! She may even see the difference when you explain it and be able to express remorse to you. Some people just aren’t aware of the difference. But here’s why it’s important to address this: remorse decreases the chances of the problem reoccurring. Guilt increases the likelihood of reoccurrence. You want to create a new relational path, and that requires both a change of heart and a change of behavior. Remorse is a transformational emotion. It helps a person see the gravity of what he did to a person he cares about.
Remorse is also one of the most significant change agents we experience in our relationship with God. The Bible refers to it as godly sorrow: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). Guilt without remorse simply punishes a person for his or her behavior. There is no transformational experience in the relationship. The offender remains alone, beating himself up with his own club. That’s why guilt never heals a character problem, a relationship, an addiction, or a soul.
Confession, ownership, and remorse provide powerful evidence of transformation in the other person. If these changes are authentic, the person naturally begins to act differently. It just makes sense that you are more inclined to change when you recognize what you have done and feel bad about it. If these three factors are in short supply, you run the risk of someone changing because they don’t want to get caught or don’t want your nagging or want you to stay with them. That external, compliant, and often grudging change is never permanent. It is merely a Band-Aid on a deeper problem, and you have no assurance you can trust the person’s behavior.
So it’s best to look for and expect changed behavior. Even with confession, ownership, and remorse, it sometimes doesn’t happen. For example, he may become distracted by a problem at work or another relationship. She doesn’t know how to change, so she doesn’t. Or he doesn’t have the resources to change right now. Still, you need to keep the expectation of change in the relationship.
As you look for evidence of changed behavior, there are three things to keep in mind: change in targeted behaviors, change in behaviors that drive more change, and sustained change.
Change in targeted behaviors. Targeted behaviors are specific actions that must begin or cease. That is, to demonstrate change, the person must start doing a good thing that is missing or end a harmful thing that is present. A desirable good behavior might be to take the initiative to connect, to tell the truth, and to be dependable. Discontinuing a harmful behavior might be ceasing to use contemptuous language, no longer acting out sexually, or quitting a drug habit. A change of heart must be accompanied by a change of action. If the person is fuzzy about what needs to change, take responsibility and spell out what you need. And be specific:
• I need for you to see a financial counselor in the next two weeks.
• I need for you to be early and overprepared for every meeting in the next thirty days.
• I need for you to never yell at me again.
Vague statements — be nicer, get your act together, change your attitude — will not get you where you want to go.
Change in behaviors that drive more change. There are times when an individual may not be able to immediately change his behavior. And it could be that it’s not a matter of choice; something deeper is driving her behavior. In other words, the problem behavior may actually be a symptom of a deeper issue. Addiction is one example. On her own, an addict may not be able to stop taking the substance she is using, but she is still capable of other behaviors that might help. She can pray and ask God for guidance. She can attend a church that helps people with addictions. She can attend a twelve-step group. She can see a therapist and attend a support group.
In the same way, if the person in your life shows signs of being serious about stopping the behaviors that damage the relationship and her own commitment and willpower are not working, give her the grace and help her to find the resources that will help her change. This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse, addictions, or lying. These are still zero-tolerance issues. Keep your protective boundaries: the more severe the behavior, the stricter the limits. Don’t put yourself at risk because the person, though truly remorseful, is not getting help. No one is helped that way. When it’s a matter of can’t rather than won’t, go to the mat for someone who truly wants to change.
Sustained change. If you have experienced tough times with a person, you want the problem behavior to change over time — we hope forever. Pretty much anyone can change a behavior in the short term. It’s called being on good behavior, and we all learned that at school — get the behavior under control and get out of trouble. But if you’re going to make yourself vulnerable to someone, you need to know that the change will be sustained for days, which lead to weeks, months, and years. Then you can gradually trust again.
Be patient with the process, with the person, and with yourself. Let time pass before you open up fully again and become vulnerable. When you allow the process of growth and change to take root inside, both of you can observe what is going on. The Bible says, “Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands” (1 Timothy 5:22), which alludes to the wisdom of being careful when you make a commitment to another person. Allow some time to pass. Tell the person that sustained change over time is important to you. Observe her behavior during the different seasons of life: when she is under stress; when the two of you disagree; when he is with his family; when she is tired; when you are under stress. This is part of the due diligence of determining if a person has truly changed.
I saw a good example of this in a family I am close to. The adult son had a problem with overspending and depended on his parents to bail him out. They were constantly helping him with rent, gas, and entertainment money. He worked and had income, but he didn’t work a lot — and he spent as if he worked a great deal! He had lots of excuses, all of which were very thin. His parents felt torn between their desire to care for him and the reality that they were enabling his behavior. At a loss about what they should do next, they asked for my help. So we all met together.
After hearing everyone’s perspective, I told the adult son, “I am recommending your parents stop paying anything for you in thirty days. You have until then to get your lifestyle in order. I know this will be an adjustment for you. But I want you to recognize that you have hurt them, both in terms of their own financial resources and your expectation that they take responsibility for you. That’s no way to treat people who have given so much to you.”
I thought he might blow up at me, but instead he took the adult role and said, “OK. It’s time for me to do this. I’ve known this all along. I don’t think I could face how disappointed they were in me. They are almost as disappointed in me as I am in myself.”
I was touched by his honesty and vulnerability. So were his parents. We set the plan in motion. The hard part came a few months later when his parents had to watch him move to a more modest apartment and give up his car. But they held on. And he refrained from asking them for money. His behavior truly changed over time. His parents know they can trust him now, and for good reason. Having seen how he operated in hard times, I would trust him myself.
You don’t just want to see improvement. You want to see transformation. It is an entirely new way of living and choosing. Confession, ownership, remorse, and change are elements that you can use to learn to trust someone again.
Reestablishing trust is a two-way street — it requires give and take from both people. Acknowledge your part in the relational breakdown by making sure that you too are engaged in confession, ownership, remorse, and change. Avoid the “good-guy-bad-guy” dynamic. It is a slippery slope into judgmentalism, a victim mentality, and pride. Even if your contributions to the relational problems are less severe, do the work. Work just as hard on yourself as you want her to work on herself. The person who commits the misdemeanor must take this just as seriously as the person who commits the felony.
The need for authentic transformation goes deeper than a problematic relationship. It’s about how we conduct our lives and all of our relationships. The elements necessary for change are God’s rules for health and success in life. Even if you and this person don’t work things out for some reason, you are healthier, more whole, and more capable of future healthy relationships if you honor these things and apply them to your own life.