Joshua’s first thought when he opened his eyes the next morning was, Where am I? The angle of the ceiling was wrong. There was a single window, and the walls were too close to the bed.
Memory rushed through his mind like a tempest, wild and flowing in every direction. Yesterday he’d married Rebekah, his best friend’s widow.
Throwing back the covers, he put his feet on the rug by the bed. His beloved Tildie had started making rugs for the bedrooms shortly after they were wed, and she’d replaced each one when it became too worn. As he looked down through the thick twilight before dawn, he saw rough edges on the one under his feet. Sorrow clutched his heart. His sweet wife would never make another rug for the kinder.
Rebekah was his wife now. For better or for worse, and for as long as they lived.
He drew in a deep breath, then let it sift past his taut lips. He’d honored Lloyd’s request, and he shouldn’t have any regrets. He didn’t. Just a question.
Where did he and Rebekah go from here?
Unable to answer that, because he was not ready to consider the question too closely, he pushed himself to his feet. He dressed and did his best to shave his upper lip without a mirror. As he pulled his black suspenders over his shoulders, he walked out of the bedroom.
Light trickled from beneath one door on the other side of the hall. He heard heavy footfalls beyond it. Timothy must already have gotten up, which was a surprise because most mornings Joshua had to wake his older son. Not hearing any voices, he guessed Levi was still asleep. Not even the cacophony of a thunderstorm could wake the boy. The other doorway was dark. He considered making sure Deborah was up so she wouldn’t be late for school, but decided to let her sleep. It had been late by the time the kinder had gone to bed last night.
As he went down the stairs, Joshua heard the rumble of a car engine and the crunch of tires on gravel. His neighbor must be heading into Philadelphia this morning. Brad always left before sunup when he wanted to catch the train into the city, because he had to drive a half hour east to reach the station.
It was the only normal thing today, because as he reached the bottom of the stairs, he smelled the enticing aromas of breakfast cooking. He glanced at the bedroom where he usually slept. The door was closed.
The propane lamp hissed in the kitchen as he walked in to see Rebekah at the stove. She wore a dark bandana over her glistening hair. Beneath her simple black dress and apron, her feet were bare.
“Sit down,” she said as if she’d made breakfast for him dozens of times. “Do you want milk in your kaffi?”
“No, I drink it black in the morning.”
“Are the others awake?”
“Only Timothy.” He was astounded how they spoke about such ordinary matters. There was nothing ordinary about Rebekah being in his kitchen before dawn.
“Gut. I assumed he’d get up early, too, so I made plenty of eggs and bacon.” Turning from the stove, she picked up a plate topped by biscuits. She took a single step toward the table, then halted as her gaze locked with his.
A whirlwind of emotions crisscrossed her face, and he knew he should say something to put her at ease. But what? Her fingers trembled on the plate. Before she could drop it, he reached for it. His knuckle brushed hers so lightly he wouldn’t have noticed the contact with anyone else. A heated shiver rippled across his hand and up his arm. He tightened his hold on the plate before he let it fall to the floor.
He put the biscuits on the table as she went back to the stove. Searching for something to say, he had no chance before Timothy entered the kitchen. His son walked to the table, his head down, not looking either right or left as he took his seat to the left of Joshua’s chair at the head of the table.
Rebekah came back. Setting the coffeepot on a trivet in the center of the table, she hesitated.
“Why don’t you sit here?” Joshua asked when he realized she was unsure which chair to use. He pointed to the one separated from his by the high chair he’d brought down from the attic before the wedding yesterday. He’d guessed she would want it for her son, but now discovered it created a no-man’s-land between them.
She nodded as she sat. Was that relief he saw on her face? Relief they were no longer alone in the kitchen? Relief the high chair erased any chance their elbows might inadvertently bump while they ate?
He pushed those thoughts aside as he bent his head to signal it was time for the silent grace before they ate. His prayers were more focused on his new marriage than food, and he hoped God wouldn’t mind. After all, God knew the truth about why he’d asked Rebekah to be his wife.
As soon as Joshua cleared his throat to end the prayer, Timothy reached for the bowl containing fluffy eggs. He served himself, then passed the bowl to Joshua. That was followed by biscuits and apple butter as well as bacon and sausage.
Each bite he took was more delicious. The biscuits were so light he wondered why they hadn’t floated up from the plate while they’d prayed. The kaffi had exactly the right bite for breakfast. He could not recall the last time he’d enjoyed a second cup at breakfast, because his own brew resembled sludge.
For the first time in months, Timothy was talkative. He had seconds and then thirds while chattering about a baseball game he’d heard about yesterday at the wedding, a game won by his beloved Phillies. It was as if the younger version of his son had returned, banishing the sulky teen he’d become. Even after they finished their breakfast with another silent prayer, Timothy was smiling as he left to do the barn chores he usually complained should be Levi’s now that he worked every day at the buggy shop.
Joshua waited until the back door closed behind his oldest, then said, “Tell me how you did that.”
“Did what?” Rebekah asked as she rose and picked up the used plates. After setting them on top of others stacked on the counter, she began running water to begin the massive task of washing the dirty dishes that had gathered since the last time he’d helped Deborah with them.
“Make my oldest act like a human being rather than a grumpy mule,” he replied.
“Don’t let him—or any of the other kinder—hear you say that. He wouldn’t appreciate it.”
“Or having his sister and brother repeat it.”
“And Sammy, too. Kinder his age grab on to a word and use it over and over.” She smiled as she put soap into the water and reached for a dishrag. Not finding one, she glanced around.
“Second drawer,” he said, hoping there was a clean dishcloth. Like the dishes, laundry had piled up, ignored during the past week.
“Danki.” She opened the drawer and pulled out a cloth. “I’ll get accustomed to where everything is eventually.”
He knew she didn’t mean to, but her words were like a pail of icy water splashing in his face. A reminder that no matter how much they might pretend, everything had changed.
No, not everything. He still held on to his love for Tildie.
That will never change, he silently promised his late wife.
Never, because he wasn’t going to chance putting his heart through such pain ever again.
* * *
Everything seemed unfamiliar in the Stoltzfus kitchen, yet familiar at the same time.
Rebekah was cooking breakfast as she did each morning while she waited for the bread dough to rise a second time. She prepared enough for Levi and Deborah. Or she thought she had until she saw Levi could tuck away as much as his older brother. She fried the last two eggs for the boy, who ate them with enthusiasm.
“You cook gut! Real gut!” Levi said as he took his straw hat off the peg by the back door. With a grin at his sister, he added, “You should learn from her.”
“She will,” Rebekah replied gently when she saw the dismay on the little girl’s face. “After school, Levi, while you are doing your chores, Deborah and I will be preparing your supper.”
She was rewarded by a broad smile from Joshua’s daughter, who said, “Levi is going to Onkel Daniel’s shop after school.” Deborah picked up the blue plastic lunch box and stepped aside so her brother could take the green one. “I’ll be walking home with Mandy Beiler. Mandy lives down the road from Grossmammi Stoltzfus. She used to live in Philadelphia, but she lives here now. She is almost the same age I am. We—”
“We need to go.” Levi frowned at his sister. “We don’t want to arrive after the school bell rings. We won’t have time to play baseball if we’re late.”
Deborah rolled her eyes as if ancient and world-weary. “All he thinks about is baseball.”
“Like Timothy,” Rebekah said as she wiped Sammy’s hands before giving him another half biscuit.
“Timothy thinks about girls, too, especially Alexis next door. He talks to her every chance he can get.” Levi put his hand over his mouth and gave a guilty glance toward his sister.
“I’m sure he does,” Rebekah said quietly. “They’ve been friends their whole lives, haven’t they?”
“Ja, friends.” Deborah scowled at her brother. “Saying otherwise is silly. She is Englisch.”
Levi nodded and opened the door. His smile returned when he added, “At the wedding he was talking to some girls from Bird-in-Hand. I think he really liked—”
“Whom he likes is Timothy’s business.” Rebekah smiled. “You know we don’t talk about such things, so it can be a surprise when a couple is published to marry.”
“Like you and Daedi?” asked Deborah. “Lots of folks were surprised. I heard them say so.”
Nobody more than I, she was tempted to reply, but she made a shooing motion toward the door. The two scholars skipped across the yard to where their scooters were waiting. They hooked their lunch boxes over the handles before pushing them along the driveway toward the road.
She prayed the Lord would keep them safe. There were fewer cars along this road than in Bird-in-Hand, where carloads of tourists visited shops and restaurants.
She remained in the doorway and looked at the gray clouds thickening overhead. She hadn’t expected to watch kinder leave for school for another couple of years. When Deborah looked over her shoulder and waved, the tension that had kept Rebekah tossing and turning last night diminished.
Help me make this marriage work, Lord, she prayed. For the kinder’s sakes. They have known too much sorrow, and it’s time for them to be happy as kinder should be.
Seeing Sammy had found the box of crayons she’d packed to bring to Joshua’s house, Rebekah turned to the sink. She had to refill the sink with the water heated by solar panels on the roof. When she’d met Joshua’s second-youngest brother, Micah, at the wedding, he’d mentioned how he had recently finished the installation.
She hummed a tuneless song as she washed dishes, dried them and put them in the cupboards. Outside, it began to rain steadily. Maybe she should have told the kinder to take umbrellas to school.
By the time she had baked the bread as well as a batch of snickerdoodles, it was time for the midday meal. Lloyd always wanted his big meal at noon, but Joshua worked off the farm, so she would prepare their dinner for the evening. She had no idea what Joshua and his kinder liked to eat.
Rebekah pushed aside that thought as she put Sammy in the high chair and gave him his sandwich and a glass of milk. Sitting beside him, she ate quickly, then returned to work. She was scooping up an armful of dirty laundry from the floor when she heard Sammy call her.
Turning, she asked over her shoulder, “What is it, liebling?”
“Go home?” Thick tears rolled down his full cheeks.
She dropped the clothes to the floor. Sitting, she lifted Sammy out of the high chair and set him beside her. There wasn’t enough room on her lap for him any longer. Putting her arm around his shoulders, she nestled him close. Her heart ached to hear his grief.
“I thought we would stay here and see Deborah and Levi when they get home from school,” she said and kissed the top of his head.
“When that?”
“After Sammy has his nap.”
He wiggled away and got down. “Nap now?”
“Not until you finish your sandwich.” As she set him back in the high chair, she smiled at how eager he was to see Joshua’s younger kinder again.
In Bird-in-Hand, Sammy had encountered other kinder only on church Sundays. Their neighbors didn’t have youngsters, and even if they had, Sammy was too young to cross the fields on his own. She’d become accustomed to remaining home in the months before Lloyd’s death because he had flown into rages when he didn’t know where she was. After his death, she’d had an excuse to stay behind her closed door.
But it hadn’t been fair to Sammy.
Guilt clamped around her heart. Now that was familiar. Each time Lloyd had lashed out at her, she’d tried to figure out what she’d done to make him strike her again.
She was Joshua Stoltzfus’s wife now. Her past was gone, buried with Lloyd.
Repeating it over and over to convince herself, she cleaned Sammy up after his lunch. She took him into the bedroom for his nap, but he was too excited. Each time she settled him on the small bed with his beloved stuffed dog, he was up afterward and sneaking out of the bedroom to explore the house.
Rebekah gave up after a half hour. Skipping his nap one day wouldn’t hurt him, and she was curious, too, about the rest of the house. She glanced around the kitchen. The dishes were cleaned and put away, though she suspected she hadn’t put them in their proper places. She would check with Deborah so everything was as it should be when Joshua arrived home. The dirty clothes were piled on the floor in the laundry room. In the morning before breakfast, if the rain stopped, she would start the first load. She hadn’t mopped the floor. That made no sense when Joshua and the kinder would be tracking in water and mud.
There wasn’t any reason for her not to explore the house.
Sammy grinned and chattered like an excited squirrel as they walked into the large front room where church could be held when it was their turn to host it. She wondered when that would be. Surely no one would expect the newlyweds to hold church at their house right away. Most newlyweds spent the first month of their marriage visiting family and friends nearby and far away. Joshua hadn’t mentioned making calls, and she guessed his business wouldn’t allow him time away. Just as well, because she didn’t want to upset Sammy by uprooting him day after day.
When her son scrambled up the stairs, dragging the stuffed dog with him, she followed slowly, not wanting to slip on the smooth, wooden steps. But there was another reason she hesitated. She hoped Joshua wouldn’t care if she went upstairs while he was at the buggy shop. Last night he’d told her to come and get him if she or Sammy needed anything, so her exploring shouldn’t make him angry.
She wrapped her arms around herself. She hated how every thought, every action, had to be considered with care. After Lloyd’s death, she’d been gloriously free from a husband’s expectations. Now she was subjected to them once more. But would Joshua be as heavy-handed as Lloyd had been? She must make sure she never found out.
Lord, is this Your will? If so, guide my steps and my words on a path where we will remain safe.
Rebekah opened the first door on the second floor. A pair of dresses hung from pegs on the wall, along with a white apron Deborah would wear to church. A black bonnet waited beside them. By the window, the bed was covered with a beautiful quilt. The diamond-in-a-square pattern was done in cheerful shades of blue, purple and green. A rag rug beside the bed would keep little feet from the chill of a wintry floor.
The room beside it clearly belonged to Timothy because a man-size pair of shoes were set beneath the window, but a second mattress had been dragged into the room. She realized Levi must have given up his room to Joshua and was sleeping with his brother. She appreciated the boys’ kindness, especially when they had no idea how long Levi would be sharing with Timothy.
Sammy ran to the door across the hall. She hurried after him, not wanting him to disturb Joshua’s things. Grabbing her son’s arm, she remained in the doorway.
Nothing about the room gave her a clue to the man she’d married. It was the same as the other rooms, except the ceiling slanted sharply on either side of a single dormer. Like his kinder’s rooms, the bed was neatly made and a rag rug brightened the wooden floor. She hadn’t realized how she’d hoped to find something to reassure her that he was truly as gentle as he appeared. If he proved to be a chameleon like Lloyd...
“Cold, Mammi?” asked Sammy.
She smiled at him, even as she curbed another shiver. If a kind as young as her son could sense her disquiet, she must hide her feelings more deeply. She could not allow Joshua to suspect the secrets of her first marriage. If the truth of Lloyd’s weaknesses became known, it could ruin her son’s life.
She wouldn’t let that happen.
Ever.