Chapter Ten
The thing that I love most about the transgender part of myself is the ability to be myself. I love everything about my gender. I feel the most comfortable in masculine clothing, and I love to wear dress clothes like ties and bowties.
—Julia
Julia is an academic professional who works in student affairs at a medium-sized college in a western state. She was raised in the Midwest during the 1980s and the 1990s and has “an awesome job” that allows her to work with LGBTQA students. She says, “I am also proud to call myself a nerd. I love comic books, TV, and movies. My two favorite TV shows are The Simpsons and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have yet to find a person who can beat me at Simpsons trivia.”
Growing Up
Since she was a young child, Julia has been aware of her gender identity. “At five, I wanted a Mohawk, and the little boy I told said that girls couldn’t have a Mohawk.” She didn’t understand why she had to play softball just because she was a girl. She wanted to play baseball, like the boys, even though her mother thought baseball was too rough for her. Julia says:
It has always been hard for me to fit into social expectations of what a biological female is supposed to be. I lived outside as a kid and rode my bike everywhere. I loved my Huffy [bike], which was for boys. I wanted to have short hair and wanted to wear boys’ clothing. Most of my friends were boys, and I didn’t mind getting dirty. I have never been tough, however. I didn’t like to fight, and confrontation has always frightened me. I could get away with my physical weakness because I am biologically female.
Being Genderqueer
Julia isn’t comfortable defining herself as a man or as a woman. She clarifies her thinking:
I don’t think I am really a man or a woman. I’m in between the two terms. I’ve always called myself a woman or female because that’s what my physical sex is, but it’s never really felt connected to either term. I just like to be called Julia and not have a gender marker, but that’s hard to do in our society.
When she went to college, Julia remembers that “buzzing my hair off was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. It felt like I was finally living outside of the societal expectations that I was forced to live with since I was a small child.” Her mother supports Julia’s genderqueer identity. In fact, for Christmas one year, Julia’s mother bought her boxer briefs, just as she had done for Julia’s brother.
Julia has considered taking hormones and having surgery to make her body more masculine, but she prefers to wait and see. As she says, “My gender identity often changes and morphs.” Julia strives to be a role model for her LGBTQA college students, and her genderqueer identity is a huge help in that task, because she is an example of someone who’s comfortable living outside the gender binary. Because Julia is free to express her gender, her students are encouraged to do the same simply through her example. As Julia notes, “I don’t know who I would be if I couldn’t fully express my gender the way I want to. I have the freedom to be as masculine as I want, and that’s something that I truly enjoy.”
Julia comments that she sometimes faces uncomfortable moments in public when people can’t figure out her gender identity. But she has a great response. She says:
At times, it can make me feel like I am some sort of freak or weirdo when people stare at me. This was really hard for me for a long time. There was a certain point where I just decided to ignore the looks. It’s not my problem that my gender identity makes people feel uncomfortable. I’m just being myself. If I get a lot of stares or snickers, I just smile back. Nothing unnerves people more than kindness when they are making fun of you or judging you.