xTransgenderLives

Chapter One

My first memory I have that has any significance to my current lifestyle was when I was in preschool. It was potty-break time. We lined up, boys in one line, girls in the other. Yep, you guessed it, I lined up with the boys. I remember getting yanked to the other line with the girls. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, but for some reason that memory has stayed with me. I think I always knew who I was, but society made me feel like my feelings couldn’t be validated in real life. So, I did my best. I tucked all of my feelings inside.

—Hayden

Hayden loves football, hunting, fishing, and hanging out with family. He is in his early twenties, is in college, has three siblings, and lives in a small town in the Midwest. Hayden grew up as Haylee, and when he realized he couldn’t live any longer as a female, he moved four hours away from his hometown. He cut his long hair and stopped communicating with his family—but only for a while. Once he sorted out what he needed to do, he sent his mom a photo of his short hairstyle. When she responded, Hayden told her about his need to transition from female to male, and that short conversation changed his world forever.

Not long after the encouraging exchange with his mother, Hayden moved back home and began his physical transition from female to male. As the first step, he began to give himself prescribed injections of testosterone (the hormone that creates male body characteristics). Over time, he saw himself become more masculine. His voice deepened, and he gained muscle mass very quickly. Fearful of facing disrespectful reactions, he kept himself as safe as he could from other people. Hayden remembers, “I sort of stayed in hiding until my voice started to change; I was protecting myself from hateful people. I was like a hibernating bear, waiting for the weather to change, and then I would climb out of my cave and explore the world again.”

Even at the beginning of his journey, Hayden had many loyal people supporting him. For example, his former softball coach reached out to him when she learned of Hayden’s transition. “She told me how proud she was of me and that she...had my back. Coach said, ‘You are so brave to go through this in such a narrow-minded town.’ I printed [her] e-mail and keep it in my wallet. I take it out whenever I’m feeling down.”

Karlee, Hayden’s Sister

Hayden’s family has been his main support throughout his transition. But it’s his sister Karlee, five years older than Hayden, who’s been his rock. She sensed things weren’t comfortable for Hayden very early in Hayden’s life. Hayden and Karlee’s mom liked them to wear “girly” clothes sometimes, and that was fine with Karlee. But Hayden had reservations. Speaking about Hayden when he was still Haylee, Karlee remembers:

One day, the neighbor lady, whose son was Hayden’s best friend, came to my mom with concern on why her seven-year-old son had a bunch of my mom’s six-year-old daughter’s white, lacy socks hiding under his bed. I think she thought there was something wrong with her son, foot fetish, maybe? But Hayden confessed that he was paying the neighbor boy with leftover Easter/Halloween/Christmas candy to hide them from my mom. Hayden was determined to not wear the “girly” lace socks.

After that, Karlee noticed other ways that Hayden wasn’t a traditional sister, from the way he dressed to the things he did with his friends. When Hayden was in high school, Karlee had even more confirmation that Hayden wasn’t comfortable as Haylee. Karlee says:

One day, during a family gathering, I brought up prom and asked him if he was going to go, and if so what kind of dress was he going to wear, and if I could please, please, do his hair for the event. I wanted to do something special like that for him. But as I talked about it, he appeared to become more and more agitated with me. I could tell that he wanted me to stop talking about it, but I didn’t. It was a milestone that I wanted to be a part of and help him with his hair and makeup to make him look the most beautiful out of any girl there. I could see that I’d started a very uncomfortable conversation and realized that I’d better stop it. Hayden became very quiet. He looked so sad. I felt so wrong for making him uncomfortable.

Karlee was able to put the puzzle pieces together a few years later, when Hayden told her about his impending transition. She knew Hayden was becoming the person he needed to be. Karlee says, “To me, Hayden has always been Haylee. He is the same person, [who] just has a different name now. I feel like I cannot compare Hayden to ever being a sister. He always felt more like a brother than a sister to me.”

Diana, Hayden’s Mom

Hayden’s mom knew something was different about Hayden early in his life. She remembers:

I felt I was raising a boy, [who was] growing into a man...without the correct gender. I [only] felt those words at the time, [but] I [know how to express] it now. I remember saying to my [own] mom when Haylee was little, “She is a real tomboy.” Then, as he got older, I would tell my mom, “I have this knowing she is not gay, but what [she is] I just can’t figure it out.” I said those very words many times. My mom felt the same, [and so did] Hayden’s two sisters and brother.

Hayden’s transition was very emotional for Diana. She knew she had to support him through everything, but she felt sadness about losing a daughter. And it was very hard for Diana to discover the pain Hayden had been in for so long:

I believe I went through all the stages of [grief] in the beginning of [Hayden’s] transition. I wanted to hold on to Haylee, [and my] parenting skills stayed the same, but I was lost, weak from loss, and so shockingly mad that my baby had to suffer through the years and I wasn’t aware of his pain. Although Hayden was experiencing [the] transition, I found myself [reacting as] a fighter, holding him up. I am his mom, and I communicated with [him for] hours and hours [to build] strength in him...[but] I cried endlessly for him and for me once I hung up the phone or walked away.

At the same time, Diana knows Hayden did what he needed to do. She says, “I am so proud of my son! He has given me the opportunity to grow in ways I could never dream [of]. He is my blessing.”

Hayden’s Life Now

Before Hayden legally changed his name and gender, some encounters were very confusing. Hayden recalls that “the absolute worst part of all would be when I would apply for a job. Once, I had an awesome job lined up, and right after they said I got the job, they changed their mind after seeing my ID card. So then I was afraid to apply anywhere.” All of that shifted when Hayden went before a judge and presented his petition to legally change his name and switch his gender marker from F to M. Now that Hayden is legally male, he has no problem with applying for jobs or filling out official forms.

Hayden’s physical transition is also complete, and nobody would mistake him for a woman. Hayden had a double mastectomy (also referred to as “top” surgery) so his chest would be more like a male chest. He says his top surgery made him the happiest he’s ever been in his life.

Hayden is now public about his transition and speaks to groups of people about his life. Hayden also says he’s had to grow up fast in order to take care of himself and to work on his transition, but all the hassle is worth the time and effort he puts into it. His new fiancée, Adriana, says this about their relationship:

When I first met Hayden, I already knew of his identity of being a “Trans Man”. At the time, we were just friends of a mutual friend. I didn’t think much about it because he and I were both in relationships at that time....When Hayden and I started dating, we never really talked...[because] it wasn’t an issue for me. I knew he wanted to have that conversation, just to get the elephant out of the room! So, we did. He talked about his inability to help have children and his current name and gender marker, and how it would affect our chances of getting married as heterosexuals. He also explained the daily challenges he faces emotionally and physically.

All of his worries were definitely valid, but, they didn’t bother me. I guess my feelings for him overcame the future struggles we would face together. I didn’t and haven’t looked at Hayden in any way other than a biological male. His [status as a trans* man] never gets brought up in conversation unless it is about his name change or possible surgeries he may want. Otherwise, our relationship is the same as any other couple. Sure, we will have to face future challenges when we try to have children, but many couples have those same challenges.

Right now, Hayden is in school, focusing on becoming a paramedic and a teacher. Together, Hayden and Adriana are working on saving money and taking care of all the details that come with creating a new life. They’re planning their wedding and enjoying themselves. Hayden says he’s proud of himself and all he’s done, and for the first time in his life, he’s happy.