3 SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE MILLENNIAL

The English language is in a crisis—a real American crisis. Blame it on the Kardashians or the men in skinny jeans, but I am not sure I can keep up with all of this new vernacular. We like to act like this is a new thing. It’s not. In the ’50s and ’60s, everything was “groovy.” My generation said things like “gag me with a spoon” and “your mama,” but for some reason no one says that anymore. As if. (Shape of an L on my forehead.)

When a twentysomething literally says the words “literally” and “like,” like, forty-seven times in literally one sentence, like, my face literally begins to flush, my palms literally get sweaty, and, like, I literally can’t hear anymore because my ears are bleeding. Like, I literally stop listening, but they keep on literally talking.

Hey, girl, I literally am not hiring you. Get out of my office. Like, literally.

Just last week, my babysitter said “IDK” in normal conversation. She said I-D-K.

(Crickets.) (Looking around.)

At first, I thought she was spelling a bad word like I used to do when my children were toddlers. C-R-A-P. Or maybe she was describing a DKNY handbag and just messed it up. Nope. She used “IDK” as a real word in a real sentence. For those of you who have no idea what she intended, she meant “I don’t know.”

CMC (call me crazy), but all these new words have me wondering how to crack the code on today’s streets. Am I now the corny (’90s term) mom who embarrasses her son by trying to be cool with today’s language? No matter how cool I really am, he will never let me get away with upgrading my vocabulary. I do, however, have something to say that translates seamlessly every single time: Clean your room, or you are grounded. Now THAT is one phrase that spans the generations and has withstood the test of time.

I digress.

I would now like to pause for a brief moment to acknowledge the most brilliant millennial word I know: “bougie.”

bou·gie /‵booZHē/

adjective

Aspiring to be a higher class than one is. Derived from bourgeois—meaning middle/upper class, traditionally despised by communists.

COMMUNISTS?

If you are wearing a Walmart wind suit (also a ’90s term) while carrying a giant Louis Vuitton on your shoulder, you are despised by everyone including the communists. And until now, we didn’t have a word for people like you, but thanks to millennial jargon, we have been set free!

The struggle is real, I get it. It’s hard to say all the proper words. So many words and modifiers. Why be so basic and speak real English? No need. As long as you stay woke, you won’t have to communicate with any other generation if you can help it.

My generation is actually to blame for creating this nonsense, because we gifted the world with texting and social media. Millennials have grown up with shorthand. Their language has developed from their predominantly text-based communication and was kinda developed out of necessity. So whether we know what “on fleek” or “lit” means, we’d better get with the program. Look, I am not asking y’all to talk as country as me. I am just asking you to stop making up words that don’t mean anything to people over the age of forty. You can’t just go around deciding which words deserve an abbreviation and which don’t. Some old man down at the dictionary headquarters gets to decide that for the rest of the world.

When my ex-husband started dating a twenty-three-year-old, my first question was “What do they possibly have to talk about? What do they have in common? They don’t even speak the same language.” I was mortified at the thought of my ex trying to act cool because #thestruggleisreal to be cool enough with people our own age, much less someone who is barely out of college. A man in his forties marries a young trophy wife with whom he has nothing in common. What on earth. Maybe he had mastered the new words. Maybe his dating goals were indeed Netflix and chill. I don’t know.

I was very judgmental and a little condescending, I admit it. I never imagined in a million years that my children would have a twentysomething big sister. Um, I mean stepmom. So cliché, but it fits. And so does she. She fits. She loves my children, and I love her, and she loves me. She’s more than we could’ve ever asked for, and that’s what counts. Totes.

There are a few things that millennials have gotten right, though.

Millennials are the only generation that knows how to revert a pdf to a Word document, and I’m not mad about it. Talk about them all you want to Mr. CEO, but you know as well as I do that when you need tech help, you are hollering for twenty-seven-year-old Skylar down the hall. You can’t stand his skinny ties, but you need him stat.

I am a little low-key jelly of the relaxed professional spirit they possess. I, too, prefer to show up when I get around to it and cut out early because of my caffeine needs. When I lived in Colorado, there was nothing quite like sipping coffee on my sofa while looking at a snowcapped Pikes Peak. That was where my finest inspiration and work happened. If I had to wear a suit and sit in a cubicle all day, I would die a thousand deaths. Can I just work in yoga pants and oversized plaid shirts? What is wrong with that? See, I may be a Gen Xer, but I am picking up what y’all are putting down.

They are coffee snobs and sushi connoisseurs; they love charcuterie boards, and they know craft beer. But the way they talk is next-world stuff.

Millennials have made things popular that other generations have been doing for ages. Like skipping breakfast and calling it intermittent fasting. BRILLIANT! My generation called that an eating disorder and sent your tail to counseling. Millennials took the 1980s man with a mustache, beard, polyester pants, and gold-rimmed glasses, lost the dad bod and added tattoos, and then called him a hipster. My generation called him Mike, the used-car salesman.

You know what else millennials have changed? Weddings. A WHOLE PARADIGM SHIFT!

No more church aisles, no more standard old hymns, no more pimento cheese sandwiches at the Fellowship Hall reception. Heck no. They have taken it to a whole new level—to old shipping warehouses and barns with rent-by-the-hour pastors who have super-duper grizzly beards and wear leather suspenders with their jeans to preside over the vows. They have receptions under canopies with string lights and lanterns. They don’t serve cake, nuts, and butter mints anymore. They have photo booths, donut walls, self-serve candy bars, and cupcake towers. And you better BYOS (bring your own straw) because these jokers are in the business of saving the sea turtles at this wedding, too.

Millennials even use their entrepreneurial spirit to crowdfund their honeymoons to exotic bucket-list places like Fiji or New Zealand. As far as I am concerned, that’s the best use of that degree in entrepreneurship that your parents paid for. You want to know where my generation went to honeymoon?

Pigeon Forge.

That’s because all of our grannies were paying for it. Granny didn’t crowdfund. She didn’t ask for money on Kickstarter. She got that cash right out of the rusty Altoids can she keeps tucked in the Naturalizer shoebox hidden deep in her closet. We didn’t care about exotic destinations, because we had to wait seven to ten days to get our film processed, and by that time, your friends and family didn’t care about your pictures or selfies. There was no posting midair pics jumping off a pier into crystal blue water. There were no feet-in-the-sand pics to post from the other side of the globe. We took a pic at the top of a Ferris wheel at Dollywood. THAT WAS ROMANCE. That was the beginning of a long, cheap life together.

Before millennial weddings took over, our humble lives began with the money collected during the first dance—the “Money Dance.” This was where your friends and family pinned dollar bills to your dress or tuxedo while you were dancing at the reception. You asked your third cousin twice removed, who has a knack for flower arranging, to “do” your flowers. But that’s all we could afford. The rest was fake ferns and ficus trees you could borrow.

Millennials have made such an impact on our society that they have warranted their own Monopoly game. Instead of buying property, you buy experiences and trade hot destinations. You end up living in your parents’ basement or on a friend’s couch. You can buy stock in the thrift shop or the farmers’ market. The tagline on the box reads: “Forget real estate. You can’t afford it anyway.” I may not be part of this generation, but this game sounds a little more realistic to me. Well played Hasbro, well played.

A millennial’s schedule is always negotiable. They aren’t locked into efficiency and productivity. Unless they are downloading a mobile update—then their time is the most valuable thing on the planet. That technology had better work in a millisecond or they are losing their cotton-picking mind. Pop that anxiety medicine and calm down, would you? And millennial babysitters are THE WORST. On the day before, they confirm with all the sweet words: “Can’t wait to see you guys. She is the most adorable baby ever. (Emoji Emoji Emoji).” Thirty minutes before: “I am so sorry. I have to cram for my final tomorrow and I didn’t get any sleep last night and I also have to walk my neighbor’s dog, so I don’t think I can babysit tonight.” An hour later, she is spotted posing on Instagram with her burrito bowl and two friends.

I can’t with you.

This is the generation that has grown up with living life publicly. But I think they forget that we “real people” can see them and hear them. We read their rants about the barista getting their order wrong and how their whole day is ruined because of it. First of all, my grandparents would roll over in their graves to know we are spending five dollars on one cup of coffee. Second of all, if your barista has the power to “literally ruin your life,” then your barista is a very, very powerful person. I would like to meet them.

Not all millennials deserve such a bad rep, though. They are the generation most likely to donate their time or work for a cause. They have good hearts. They are skeptical and use their skepticism to challenge politicians, faith leaders, and government policy. They are focused on experiences, less on acquiring material possessions to fulfill the American dream, and, in fact, they have really reshaped that American dream as we know it. They are reducing the divorce rate because they simply aren’t getting married. And if you’re not married, you can’t get divorced, right? Sounds like a good solution to a bad problem that my generation couldn’t solve.

When I need some creative energy, guess who I want in my circle? Yep, you guessed it. The guy in skinny jeans and a man bun. When I need someone to produce something with technology, who do I call? It sure ain’t Ghostbusters. Millennials know how to travel, and they aren’t afraid to. Travel will always be a part of their future. They have grown up with Airbnb and Uber. They know how to get around and get what they want. They aren’t intimidated by traveling to places unknown. They care as much about mental health as they do about physical health. They care about eating right and living right. They would rather have a few good friends than please everyone they meet. They aren’t really into impressing people. They really aren’t interested in fitting into the box. They are into intentional living.

Millennials push us to know why we are doing the things we do and who we really are. They really can push us to be better people if we let them. They bring a whole new energy to our lives and help us recenter our priorities. If we can get past the language barrier, we might just learn a thing or two about ourselves. If we can get past the age gap, we may just fall in love with millennials. They are generous and kind and good-hearted.

I know because I am dating one.