Yawning, I scratch my stomach as I head down the stairs toward Josie’s kitchen. It’s almost noon, but I just woke up and I need coffee pronto. When I get halfway down, I stop at the murmur of voices and I remember that Josie and Aiden were going to be working on their project here today. In this past week since I’ve been back from New York, Josie has had to pull some double shifts at the hospital and she and Aiden are trying to make up some time on their project.
I almost start backpedaling to the bedroom where I intend to hide out, but I also remember Josie told me they would be here all day. She and I have plans for dinner tonight, but for the day she’s in work mode and I’m on my own.
This rankles me. Not because I’m losing out on time with Josie, or that she’s spending it with her former boyfriend, but because it’s another example of how little I have in common with her. She’s working on an important medical comparison study on her day off. I’m waking up at noon on a Thursday and my biggest decision is what to eat for breakfast today.
Or rather, lunch.
My ears tune into their conversation filtering in from the kitchen. I can imagine them huddled at the table. Josie will be in front of the laptop typing with Aiden beside her, reading snippets from medical reports. Josie will pause, and then turn slightly to him to make a conclusion. He’ll argue with her. They’ll discuss it like reasoned adults. She’ll go back to typing.
I know all this because I’ve seen it before. Josie and Aiden work here sometimes. Other times they work at his house. None of that bothers me, and I don’t hang around too long when he’s here. One thing I learned for sure that day golfing with Aiden is that he doesn’t have Josie in his sights. He might have when he first returned, but I believed the dude when he told me he cares for her and wants her to be happy.
The only slight problem I see is if Josie will be truly happy with me for the long run. Can I provide for all her needs, which are complex and layered, because Josie is so complex and layered? Or is this perhaps only a fling that got her back on her feet after Aiden broke her heart?
So many doubts, not enough answers. For a man who has never cared for a woman like this before, I’m out of my depth.
Aiden’s voice filters up the stairs to me. It’s monotone and brisk. It’s a doctor’s voice. “This case…the patient was only sixteen years old. Pregnant thirty-two weeks, presented with some spotting and cramping. No prenatal care. Had been raped and was completely ostracized by her family. She’d been living in an abandoned hut and living off some scraps offered to her by some kind villagers. Severely underweight.”
Josie makes a sound of dismay that I hear as clear as if she were standing next to me. “Protocol here would be to do an ultrasound, counseling,” she says. “She’d be in the foster system, so direct contact with her case supervisor.”
“My protocol was a lot simpler,” Aiden says, and I can hear some emotion in his voice. “No ultrasound equipment. All I had to go by was the patient’s report of some sporadic fetal movement. I took her basic vitals and gave her our last bottle of prenatal vitamins in stock. I also gave her some of our meal rations. Sent her on her way.”
There’s nothing for a moment, and then Josie murmurs, “I don’t know how you did it. I would never be cut out for that.”
My stomach knots and I have no clue why.
It could be for a variety of reasons.
Possibly for the fact that Josie could indeed do that if she wanted, and yet she doesn’t feel she could.
Or maybe it’s because she and Aiden discuss really important things. Life and death. Humanity. Critical stuff that could impact people in a very good way. She’s a brilliant doctor and highly educated. I didn’t do all that great in high school and now chase a puck around the ice for a ridiculous amount of money and prestige.
My stomach cramps again, most likely in apprehension over a conclusion that seems to be hurtling at me faster than a high-speed train.
I’ve got nothing of true value to offer Josie outside a few good orgasms and lots of laughs. The real question then becomes, is that really enough for her to be fulfilled?
With resolution and knowing I can’t hide upstairs, I make my way down and step into the living room. Josie’s head immediately swivels and she looks at me with a sweet smile. “Hey, sleepyhead. Decided to finally get up?”
It’s a question that wouldn’t have bothered me just a few weeks ago, but now it comes off as condemning.
Maybe.
Fuck, I don’t know.
I smile back at her. “Didn’t sleep well last night, I guess.”
That’s the truth. Too much shit in my head.
“There’s a fresh pot of coffee I just made not long ago,” she says with a nod toward the kitchen.
“And some bagels I brought over,” Aiden adds with a smile before turning back to peer at some reports in his hand.
“Or,” Josie says with hope in her voice as she watches me cross into the kitchen. “We’re going to go grab some lunch over at Jason’s Deli in about an hour if you want to go with us.”
Lunch with Josie and Aiden while they discuss teenage pregnant rape victims? I’d rather have my chest hair plucked out one hair at a time.
“No, thanks,” I say lightly. “I’m going to go meet Marek for lunch.”
That actually wasn’t on the agenda, but I am going to call him soon to check in. He’s had a brutal week having Gracen and Lilly here. He chose to put them up in his house, and now he’s sequestered with a woman he used to love but is pissed as hell at, and a toddler he knows nothing about. I talked to him last night for a few minutes and he sounded rough. I definitely need to get him out and give him a chance to vent.
“Good for you,” Josie says brightly. “He needs his friends more than ever now.”
“Agreed,” I return solemnly.
“Warm milk,” Aiden says as his head pops up from whatever he was reading. He looks at me expectantly.
“Excuse me?” I ask as I pour a cup of coffee, half listening to him and half anticipating the rush of caffeine.
“Warm milk at night will help you sleep,” he says with a goofy grin that slightly irritates me for some reason. “That’s not expert medical advice you’re getting. Just personal experience.”
Yeah…totally irritates me. I’m worried about Josie and Marek and he wants to tell me to drink warm milk. Aiden was seriously okay in my book until three seconds ago, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out I’m getting ready to channel some misplaced aggression his way.
“Or, the more manly thing would be to down a couple of shots of bourbon,” I say blandly as I take a sip of my coffee and stare at him over the rim of the cup. He doesn’t seem to be offended, but Josie’s eyes narrow at me.
“There’s that,” Aiden says with an easy laugh, and he’s either way too laid back to be offended or knows I’m an ass and forgives me anyway. “I wouldn’t know, since the last few years I had to have warm goat’s milk to get to sleep, as bourbon was in short supply in Yemen.”
I take another sip of coffee and force myself not to roll my eyes. Because Aiden, the big hero who saved lives during a massive civil war in a ravaged country, doesn’t deserve my malice.
My gaze darts over to Josie, and she’s still looking at me like she wants to strangle me. And that pisses me off that she’s pissed at me when Aiden clearly isn’t.
“Well, I’m sure Marek could use your support right now,” Aiden says in a school professor sort of tone. “There have been a lot of medical studies on the psychological stressors affecting physical abilities, and I know the hunt for the Cup is important to the team. I might suggest he see a professional counselor, possibly with both Gracen and Lilly…”
Aiden keeps talking but I tune him out. Instead, I let my eyes drift slowly over to Josie, and they harden when they make contact.
She can read my irritation loud and clear. You told Aiden about Marek and his personal problems?
Josie flushes with guilt, and that pisses me off further. I feel like that was a confidence that she was fortunate to have because she was my girlfriend, but Aiden is nothing to Marek and has no right to know something so personal.
I set the cup down on the counter and walk into the living room. “I’m going to go get a shower,” I mutter.
“Reed…wait,” Josie says as she pushes up out of her chair, but I don’t pause. If she forces me to talk to her, I’m going to lose my shit.
I’ve had too much crashing down on me this morning, and more than anything, I’m pissed and frustrated with myself that I even have doubts. Reed Olson is confidence personified, and the fact that Josie has me reeling with insecurity now is causing my temper to boil. It’s best I remove myself from her presence until I can calm down.
I walk out the door and shut it quietly behind me. No sense in making a big scene.
Down her steps, up mine, and right in through my front door. I head into my kitchen, needing a cup of coffee, since I only got two sips at Josie’s house. I barely make it to my Keurig before Josie’s storming in my door and stomping across the living room toward me.
“What the hell is up your butt?” she fumes at me.
“Classic deflection,” I mutter as I grab a cup from my cabinet.
Josie comes to stand on the other side of the counter island. “I’m not deflecting anything.”
“You’re feeling guilty because you told Aiden about Marek and you know that’s not cool,” I point out, totally deflecting like I just accused her.
“Oh cut the shit,” she snaps at me as her hands go to her hips. “So I told Aiden. Big deal. I was worried about Marek and wanted his perspective. It’s not like you said it was a secret. Now let’s get back to the real issue. What is up your butt? You’ve been a bit of a jackass for a week now.”
This is true. Ever since doubts started creeping in, I’ve been pissy. Mostly at myself, but it’s easier to take it out on Josie.
“Josie,” I say tiredly, not wanting to get into it right now. I need at least two cups of coffee before I spar with her. “Just go do your work with Aiden. You shouldn’t have left him over there.”
“I didn’t leave him over there,” she retorts sharply. “I made him go home because now you’ve got me upset and I need to know what’s going on.”
Oh great. Just one more thing to lay on my conscience. I’m now ruining Josie’s work with my surly attitude.
My need to deny culpability is strong. “Nothing’s wrong. Just tired is all.”
“I said cut the shit, Reed. You’ve been different for several days, and clearly something is going on inside that head of yours. I am not going to sit here and keep wondering what it is or whether I did something wrong.”
I jolt in surprise. “You did nothing wrong.”
Josie physically bristles, but she can’t hide the sadness in her eyes. “Ahhh…so it’s going to be the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing?”
Fuck, I look at Josie standing there pissed and confused, knowing I brought this down on her and she did nothing to deserve it. This wonderful woman, who turned into so much more than what I thought she would ever be, deserves nothing but the best.
“No, Josie,” I say quietly as I set my cup down and walk around the counter. I put my hands on her shoulder and say, “It’s not me, it’s totally you.”
She jerks and frowns in confusion, but I hold her in place.
“Josie, it’s you that turned my world upside down with how amazing you are. You’re beautiful and intelligent and have so much going for you. You’re in a league of your own.”
“Then what’s the problem?” she asks. “Because if I’m so great, why do you have such a worried look on your face?”
My head drops and I take a deep breath. I let it out and tilt my face back up to hers. “Because you’re just too great for me.”
“That’s ridiculous and stupid and it sure sounds like you’re doing the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing,” she sputters. “If you want to break up, just fucking say it.”
“No, I don’t want to break up,” I growl at her in frustration. “I don’t know what the hell I want. No, that’s not true. I do want you. I just don’t think I’m the best man for you, so when I say it’s all about you, I really mean that. I want you to have the best. You deserve the best.”
“Why would you think it’s not you?” she asks quietly, and my hands drop off her shoulders. “Have I done something to make you think that?”
“Not at all. But I’ve noticed things lately—”
“Like what?” she counters aggressively.
I remain calm. “Like I’m missing the marks on some things.”
She doesn’t respond, but just crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me with pure skepticism.
“When I golfed with Aiden last week—” I start to say.
“Don’t even make this about Aiden,” she snarls at me.
“I’m not. Trust me. I think Aiden’s a decent guy. But in just a short time with him, it was evident where I fall short with you.”
Okay, so I ended up making it about me, which I guess that’s really what this is about. Josie finally sees that this is about my insecurity and her face softens with empathy. “Reed.”
“Don’t,” I say a little too harshly as I hold my hands up in a defensive gesture. “Just…let me get this out.”
She concedes by giving a slight nod of her head, her eyes are worried for me and not for herself.
Typical Josie.
“When that patient died that day I brought the Cup to the hospital, I wanted to comfort you and I wanted you to cry in my arms. But you didn’t need or want that. You wanted someone to tell you to shore up your backbone and get back into the fray so you can save another life that’s meant for you to save.”
Josie’s face goes slightly pale and I know I’m hitting the mark. In this very moment, I know Aiden was speaking pure truth to me.
“I watch you, Josie. I see how amazing you are, and you need things that help keep you motivated to be amazing. You need intelligent discussion and passionate projects to keep you stimulated. You are a healer. You save lives. I’m just a high school graduate who plays hockey now. There are very real things you need that I can’t give you.”
“But there’s more to you than just those things,” she points out.
“Sure there is,” I say with a wan smile. “But I notice you didn’t disagree that you need those things. Listen, and I can’t believe I’m actually going to fucking say this, but someone like Aiden…that’s really what you need.”
Josie’s eyes narrow at me and her face turns red. “I actually think you might be a moron, Reed.”
I disregard the snark and the anger, and move forward now that we’re talking about this. I can see she’s not going to take me seriously, so I push at her harder. “I’ve got training camp coming up.”
“So?”
“So I’ve got to get my head back in the game. It’s a pinnacle season and the pressure is on. I don’t have a lot of room in my life for worries, and this is all worrying me, Josie. At least respect that my worry is real.”
And I can see it on her face. She’s not going to buy a single fucking thing I’m saying. I know that because I can see it deep in her eyes that she’s sold on me.
Just as I am on her.
And it’s wrong.
At least I think it is.
Fuck…I don’t know what we may or may not have together, but I do know one thing. I’ve got to give her every opportunity to make sure there’s not someone better. Someone who’s more suited to give her everything that she could possibly ever want in a man.
“I think we should take a break,” I say without blinking my eyes.
Her eyes narrow even further at me. “You do, do you?”
“Maybe even give Aiden another chance,” I say, and the words taste like shit on my tongue. Pure and utter nasty shit. They’re wrong and I need to take them back quickly.
“Hmmm,” she says thoughtfully, but I can see the flush of red getting darker on her neck and cheeks. “I should give Aiden another chance. Because…he has something to give me that you can’t.”
“I want you to have every opportunity—”
“You want to alleviate your conscience that’s struggling with something that’s not even close to reality,” she snaps at me. “So you really want me to go to Aiden?”
No. Fuck, no.
“Yes,” I say stubbornly, because she’s not only backed me into a corner, she’s devaluing my thoughts on this. “Give him a shot. Maybe second time around—”
She doesn’t even let me finish. She spins around so fast her hair whips me in the face and she storms through my living room.
Right to the front door where she opens it so hard it bangs against the wall. Without missing a step, she pulls it shut violently, causing my walls to shake.
Okay, that went about as poorly as it could possibly go. But at least I got her thinking. At least I released my worries into the atmosphere for her to consider, and well…apparently, she’s well on her way to considering it all.
Goddamn that was stupid. I no more want her to be with Aiden than I want to be hit by a runaway bus. I want her more than I want anything.
But I resolve to let it go and see what happens. I’m sure this will actually blow over and she’ll come back any moment now to call me on my bullshit.
Any moment now, she’ll confidently tell me I’m so very fucking wrong about everything, and when she does, I’ll choose to believe her.