Chapter 12

A LEGEND IN HIS OWN MIND

I have never been so happy to go to school.

Being there means I don’t have to try to teach Stevie Kosgrov anything. For nearly eight hours, trained professionals are paid to take over for me.

I wish them luck.

Meanwhile, life decides to toss me another curveball.

My friends and I meet someone very, shall we say, interesting during our lunch period. Actually, meet isn’t the right word. We’re invaded.

The kid’s name is Vincent O’Neil. He always thought he was pretty funny, but he didn’t start messing with me until I won the Long Island’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest.

Vince squeezes in between Gaynor and Pierce so he can tell us all how he’s “one hundred thousand times funnier” than I’ll ever be.

“I was going to enter that comedy contest you won,” he says, “but something came up. I think it was my lunch. Hey, speaking of lunch, did you hear about the kid who drank eight Cokes? He burped seven up! Get it? SevenUp?”

“Got it,” I say. “Thanks.”

“Hey, why do seagulls fly over the ocean?”

Gilda sighs. “Why?”

“Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bay-gulls. Get it? Bagels?”

“Yeah. Got that one, too,” says Gilda. “Thanks.”

“No problem. We aim to please. So you aim, too, please. I saw that once on a sign. Over a urinal!”

“Oh-kay,” says Pierce. “Well, we only have another fifteen minutes to finish our lunch and—”

“Hey, what do Eskimos get from sitting on icebergs too long?”

Nobody says anything.

Except, of course, Vincent O’Neil. “Polaroids! Get it? Like hemorrhoids but I worked polar into it. Oh, what about this? Do you know why the Pilgrim’s pants kept falling down?”

My turn to sigh. “Because he wore his belt buckle on his hat.”

“Okay. You knew that one. Fine. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Y’know, talking about Pilgrims reminds me of Thanksgiving, turkey, and the turkey trots. Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.”

And with that, we all push back from the table. None of us are very interested in finishing our food, especially me, the guy who went with the sloppy joes.

Unfortunately, this is something that can happen after you win a couple of comedy competitions.

Somebody comes along who wants to knock you back down to earth.

And I say, let him try!