“Heads it is,” says Brightman. “Pass or play?”

“Oh, I’m playing,” says Vincent. “You know, Jamie, you remind me of an Emo Philips joke—because I heard you got some new underwear. Well, it was new to you!”

Believe it or not, the crowd laughs like crazy. A very loud—almost mechanical—“Ha-ha-ha!”

“Jamie?” says Brightman. “Your joke.”

“Well, I’ve got this friend. A guy named Joey. They caught him stealing stuff from lockers. Poor guy. I’m wondering what he’s going to do with all those magnetic mirrors. I mean, have you seen how some people decorate their lockers?”

“Bor-ing!” shouts someone in the back of the crowd.

Another heckler joins in: “Who cares about your stupid friends or some girl’s stupid locker?”

I recognize both voices. Zits and Useless. Stevie Kosgrov’s very own goon squad.

They throw me off. I hesitate. Vincent jumps in.

“Hey, today the physics teacher told us that photons have mass. Really? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!”

“Now, that’s comedy!” shouts Stevie Kosgrov at the rear of the crowd. “Right?”

He glares. The crowd laughs.

Yes, it’s stilted. And forced. But it’s also very, very loud.

The fix is in. Stevie’s pounding his fist into his open palm, encouraging everybody to laugh and cheer for O’Neil. I’m so dumbfounded I just sit there and choke. I can’t think of a single funny thing to say.

“What? That’s all you’ve got?” taunts O’Neil. “Hey, have any of you guys met Lamie Jamie’s uncle Frankie? He’s so old, he shops at Extremely Old Navy. I tell you, he’s so old, he farts dust. In fact, one time, Jamie’s uncle walked into an antiques store and they sold him!”

The crowd is chant-laughing now. “HA-HA! HO-HO! HAR-DEE-HAR!” It’s like watching soldiers marching in lockstep, doing exactly what they’ve been ordered to do—or else!

I don’t stick around to hear the judge’s decision.

I roll past my friends. They look as sad as I feel. Gilda puts away her iPhone.

This is the first time I have ever lost a comedy competition.

Yes, I know it was rigged. And I know my evil bully cousin coerced the crowd into laughing at Vincent O’Neil’s corny jokes. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

In fact, I feel like the biggest loser to ever go to middle school.

Which means the real winner of today’s comedy contest wasn’t Vincent O’Neil.

It was Stevie Kosgrov.