Chapter 43
HOMETOWN HERO
Monday morning, back at school, it seems I have risen to full-blown celebrity status.
Instead of shaking people down in the hallways, Stevie Kosgrov is selling “official” Jamie Grimm whoopee cushions.
“He sat on each and every one. In his wheelchair, people!” he cries like a carnival barker. “Check it out. Jamie Grimm funny fart balloons. The toot that’s a hoot.”
Talk about awkward. Teachers, even some I have never met, act like I’m their favorite student of all time.
The local TV news is here, too, interviewing people.
“Oh, I always knew Jamie Grimm was destined for greatness,” the principal says into a reporter’s microphone. “I figured he’d be famous long before he left Long Beach Middle School.”
Really? Wow.
Now Mrs. Kressin, the drama club adviser, who’s a little flaky and dresses like she might be an elf on weekends, comes up to me.
“Be not afraid of greatness, James,” she says very, well, dramatically. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them whilst in the Athens of America treading the boards.”
“Huh?” I say.
“Don’t worry, I speak Shakespeare,” says geekmeister Pierce, stepping in to translate. “Mrs. Kressin just said you’re awesome because of what you did up in Boston.”
“Oh. Thanks!”
I pump Mrs. Kressin’s hand. She curtsies. I guess that’s what an elfin princess would do.
A lot of the teachers want to tell me their favorite jokes. To be honest, I don’t write any of them down in my notebook.
All in all, it’s a great way to start the new week.
Until lunchtime, when Vincent O’Neil shows up in the cafeteria.
“Sorry I couldn’t catch your act in Boston, Grimm. I was busy. Organizing my toenail clippings. I guess you won on the sympathy vote, huh?”
“No,” says Gilda, blood rising to her cheeks in my defense. “He won because, unlike you, Jamie is funny.”
“Really? Well, here are a couple of cripple jokes I’m working into my act. Figure I could go onstage with a pair of crutches.”
“For the last time, Vincent—”
He cuts Gilda off.
“What do you call a woman with one leg?”
“Ilene,” grunts Gaynor.
“What? You’ve heard it before. Did you steal my Ilene joke, Grimm?”
“Why would anybody steal a joke that horrible?” asks Pierce.
“Yeah,” says Gilda. “Why don’t you make like a tree and leave?”
“Oh, oh, oh!” O’Neil sputters. “You stole that one, too?”
And finally, for the first time ever, our whole table actually cracks up because of something Vincent O’Neil said.
