I keep fucking shit up.
First Jessica got mad at me because I proposed to her in Hawaii and then I got mad and stormed away when she mentioned she would find someone else to give her what she wants.
I fucked up again when I was too stubborn to hop on that plane back to Seattle with her then I fucked up even more when I stayed in Hawaii for an extra week and drowned my sorrows, all the while picturing my Pretty Girl fucking someone else.
When I got back to Seattle, pretty much everyone was mad at me.
Alice was mad as Jessica had told her every single detail of our fucked-up trip and she called me every name under the sun for giving her more reasons to move to Florida.
Dylan rang me and asked me what the hell I did to upset his sister and when I wouldn’t tell him he told me I was banned from getting anymore t-shirts until I fixed everything.
My mom isn’t speaking to me for pushing Jessica away and my dad is on my mom’s side even though he pulled me aside and told me things would get better, I just had to be patient.
Mason and Eva are mad at me for disappearing without telling anyone where I was and Tyler is mad at me for not showing up to his karate lesson.
It seems I can do no right in this world.
At Jessica’s twenty week scan it was the first time either of us had laid eyes on the other since Hawaii, it was going fine, if not a little awkward, until the doctor told us we were having twin girls and I freaked out and fainted again.
To be fair, I just didn’t expect both twins to be girls, I thought we might get one of each and maybe get really lucky and get twin boys.
Not that I have anything against girls, I love my nieces as much as I love Tyler, it’s just that boys can’t come home pregnant.
I have given Jayden so much shit over the years about how when everyone’s kids are teenagers, Tyler is going to try and fuck Maddison.
It’s not so funny when the shoe is on the other foot, I mean, what if Tyler tries to fuck one of my girls? Or fucks both of them and makes them cry?
What if my girls turn out super-hot like their mom and all the boys in the school try to put their dirty penises inside them?
It’s just too much.
The thought of having girls and trying to protect them from teenage boys is enough to put any father in an early grave.
Jessica wasn’t very impressed that I fainted and when all I could say was girls in a panicked voice over and over again, she yelled at me outside in the carpark and called me a sexist.
I was still too freaked out over having two girls at the same time to explain why I was upset that she stomped her foot and stormed away from me.
That was about six weeks ago and things haven’t gotten better since then.
I woke up hungover as fuck this morning on Jessica’s kitchen floor, butt naked.
Apparently, I went on another bender and turned up in the middle of the night to propose again, yeah, I have proposed a few times now, always while drunk and she always says no.
When she said no last night, I remember taking off my clothes and asking her if she wanted to go for a ride seeing as that was all I was good for.
It’s safe to say that did not go down well and I vaguely remember her getting mad and hitting me over the head with a frying pan.
I must have gotten knocked out cold as I don’t remember anything after that and when I woke up this morning, she was gone.
I sent her a simple text saying I was sorry but unsurprisingly that text went unanswered. To make myself feel even remotely like less of an asshole, I have plonked myself on Mason and Eva’s couch for the day.
Tyler and Olivia have been taking turns playing with me and Mason keeps asking if I want free Daddy lessons whenever Emily cries or needs her diaper changed.
Mason used to be cool but now he just tells me all the ways I keep fucking up, like I need the reminder of how big of a screw up I am.
“Kyle, seriously, you need to stop with the moping, you’re even making the kids sad.” Eva comes and sits down next to me but she’s another one who keeps giving me advice.
“Is Ashley home yet? She said she would make me brownies,” I kept texting her to remind her about them but I think she might have blocked my number as they aren’t going through.
Either that or her phones full.
“You don’t need more brownies Kyle, if anything you need to go for a run.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She pokes at my stomach, “It means all your drinking and eating crap food is making you fat, how are you supposed to win her back when you no longer have the bod?”
“Gee thanks, aren’t you supposed to tell me I can win her back with my personality,” although I’m pretty sure it’s my personality that she hates the most.
Eva sighs but I don’t know what she has to be upset about, no one has called her fat lately, “All I mean Kyle, is that to win her back you have to be your best self and right now,” she looks me up and down which only offends me more, “You look like crap.”
Wow. Just wow. “I used to like you Eva but now, not so much.”
“Kyle, you are wearing a ratty old t-shirt that is covered in alcohol stains, you smell like you haven’t showered in a week and you haven’t shaven in about a month.” She eyes me pointedly like she does with her kids, “It may be hard to hear but it’s the truth, now stop being such a slob. Go have a shower and I will give you a spare razor, along with some of Mason’s clothes.”
“Fine,” Mason walks into the room and I can’t help myself, “Your wife was just asking me to take a shower with her, jealous?”
Mason pauses but doesn’t get instantly mad like he normally does, instead he looks me up and down carefully, “Of you?” then he starts to laugh, “Nah, have at it man.”
“What the fuck? Do I honestly look that bad?” Even when Mason knows I am joking he still gets mad when I say shit like that.
I hear a tiny voice call out, “You look that bad Uncle Kyle, go have a shower.”
I mutter, “Fucking Tyler,” under my breath as I start walking towards the bathroom.
“What the hell did you just say about my kid?” Mason looks like he is ready to rip my head off, maybe I should let him, at least that way all this pain would be gone.
“Nothing.” Once I’m in the bathroom and Eva drops off a razor and some clothes, I take my sweet time cleaning myself up.
When I’m done, I look a hell of a lot better but I still feel like crap.
When I finally step out of the bathroom, Oliva tells me I look pretty and Tyler informs me that he likes me much better when I don’t smell like garbage.
Taking up position on the couch again, Eva joins me a few minutes later with a container of fresh brownies, “These are from Ashley. Jayden dropped them off when you were in the shower and he said to stop texting Ashley or he would break your knee caps…and something else that I don’t think I should repeat.”
“What was it?” taking the container from her, I shove a brownie into my mouth but it doesn’t really make me feel any better.
“Um, it will just make you mad, he shouldn’t have mentioned it.”
Mason shoves his head around the door with Emily in his arms and says, “It has to do with my son and your daughters when they turn eighteen.”
Smug bastard, I bet he is enjoying his payback but it only makes me hate Tyler when I look at him and that isn’t fair to him. I love the kid like he is my own but if he comes anywhere near my kids at any age, he will get an ass kicking.
Mason disappears but I can hear him laughing down the hallway, I’m about to remind him that he has two daughters of his own that are as beautiful as their mom when Eva interrupts me. “Do you want to know what I told Jayden when he was in this exact spot moping over the possibility of never seeing Ashley again.”
“No,” the last thing I need is more advice.
“Well, tough because I’m going to tell you anyway. I told him to build a life for himself so great that when Ashley came back to him, she would never want to leave it.”
“So?” why the hell is she telling me this?
Eva sighs and looks at me the way Jessica does, like I’m an idiot, “Kyle, you are about to be a father to twins and the only thing you have done is read a stupid book.”
“You gave me that book.”
“I know and what did you do other than read it?”
“Was I supposed to burn it or something?” What else do you do with a book other than read it?
“No, I mean, it tells you how to prepare for a baby. Have you baby proofed your apartment? Have you brought a crib, car seat, pram, clothes, diapers? Is Jessica going to breastfeed? If so, will she express before she drops them off to your apartment or if she doesn’t do you know which formula to use?”
“Um, I don’t know any of those things but it doesn’t matter because she is moving to Florida.” Stupid Florida, that state is only good for spring break. “Ow!” Reaching up I glare at Eva, “Did you just hit me on the head?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” She pauses briefly before saying, “Sorry…not sorry.” She stands and begins pacing the room, “Now, if Jessica saw that you were serious about her and the babies do you think she would leave?”
“What do you mean?” she knows I suck at words and I don’t know how else to tell her.
“I mean,” she shakes her head at me and closes her eyes briefly before continuing, “If you brought a house, decorated the nursery, filled it with stuff for the babies, installed car seats into your truck and asked Jessica to move in with you…would she still move to Florida?”
Hmm, that’s a damn good point.
I may suck with words but I’m an action kind of man, I always have been, so why didn’t I think of that?
“Eva, you are a genius!” Jumping up from the couch with renewed energy, I lift Eva up until she squeals then I spin her around and hold her close to me. “You know I love you the best right Eva?”
“I know Kyle, now go build that awesome life and then ask Jessica to move in with you.” Eva is ripped away from me by Mason but it doesn’t bother me.
I know what I have to do now.
It’s all become so clear.
Bolting from the house, I run next door and begin knocking on the front door frantically. It takes a while but then this old guy answers the door and looks at me accusingly, “What is it, we are about to have dinner.”
“It’s like five o’clock,” who eats that early?
He raises one eyebrow in question, “So?”
You’re getting off track Kyle, “Fuck, sorry, um…can I please buy your house?”
“Excuse me?”
“Can I please buy your house?”
“Are you on drugs kid?”
“What? No, I would just really like to buy your house.”
“Well, it’s not for sale, good day.” He tries to shut the door in my face but I grab hold of the door and his weak ass is no match for me.
“Look old man, I’m about to be a father to twin girls and I need to buy a house to win back their mom, you are probably due to go to a retirement community anyway.”
“Well, when you put it that way,” he smiles at me right before he lifts his cane and shoves it into my crotch. I double over and collapse on the ground holding my junk but the old man smiles at me. “The answers no, now fuck off!”
Fucking old man.
Stumbling back to Mason and Eva’s house I curse Eva’s stupid idea, she got me all excited for nothing.
They meet me on their front porch and they both look stunned, “Um…what did you do to Mr. Walters?”
“You told me I should buy a house so I tried to buy his one but he hit me in the junk with his stupid cane instead.”
“Kyle, you need to buy a house that is actually for sale, you can’t knock on random people’s doors to try and buy theirs.”
“Why not? Jayden did it, it’s not fair that he gets to live next door to you and I don’t.” How awesome would it be if all us boys lived on the same street and our kids grew up being best friends.
It’s a dream I’ve only had for a few minutes but it’s a pretty amazing dream.
Eva looks at me like I have lost my mind and maybe I have, I did get knocked out last night. “Sweetie, that house was for sale and Jayden was in no condition to look at other options. Please don’t approach any other people in our street, we like living here.”
“Fine, but can you help me look please? I need help.” I need so much help, Jessica will be leaving soon which doesn’t give me a lot of time to convince her to stay.
Maybe I can even get Alice and Dylan back on Team Kyle, they did help me in the beginning before I started fucking everything up, if they know I’m serious about my family then they might start helping me again.
Slowly a plan starts forming in my mind and if I can pull it off, it will be fucking spectacular.