Chapter 17

My BOYBAND boys did not disappoint. And Randi didn’t either. I’d only managed to bring a T-shirt bearing the band’s names and faces. Randi had tracked down a full ensemble. Even her leggings had little BOYBAND 2.0 insignias stitched all over. We looked completely ridiculous, but it was still amazing—everything I had imagined and more. When we left the arena, I could hardly talk for all the screaming we’d done.

We walked toward the car arm in arm, still singing with our worn-out, croaky voices to the songs humming through our heads. “There will never be a band like them,” Randi said. “I don’t even think they look that different all grown up. Except for Corban. Sad he’s the only one who’s bald.”

“He’s still cute though. The beard makes up for it.”

Randi pulled out her keys. “Do you remember where we parked?”

I looked around. “This way, I think. Over in the corner.”

We found the car and climbed in, deciding we needed a run for cheeseburgers before we headed back to her apartment.

“You know I have two trays of pistachio macarons in my freezer, right?”

“What? I did not know this. How have I been staying in your apartment for two days without knowing this very important piece of information?”

“I guess I forgot about them. But hooray! Now we know, and we can eat them all tonight.”

“Two trays? In one night?”

She shrugged. “Maybe we ought to skip the cheeseburgers?”

I pulled into the line of cars waiting to exit the arena parking lot. “I don’t want to skip the cheeseburgers. I haven’t had any real food tonight, and I’m starving.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll eat a burger. So give me a boyfriend update. Did you talk to Simon earlier today?”

I shot her a sideways look, wondering if she realized what she’d just done. “You mean Jamie?”

She gave me a quizzical look. “Right. Isn’t that what I said?”

“You said Simon.”

Her eyes went wide. “Did I? That’s so weird! Why would I have done that?” She leaned back in her seat. “Maybe it’s a sign, Lane. An echo of things to come!”

“An echo comes after something that’s already happened. Besides, you told me to run far away from Simon and focus on Jamie.”

“You’re right. I did. So, Jamie, then. How’s Jamie? Did you talk to him today?”

“Just briefly. He’s back in NC and spending some time with Dave before the wedding this weekend.”

“Oh, that’s right. You told me the wedding was coming up.”

“Yeah. It’ll be good. Dave and Katie are really great for each other.”

“You think Jamie might propose?”

“What, to me?” I finally pulled out of the parking lot and into the still slow-moving traffic circling the arena. At least we were going somewhere.

“No. To your grandma. Of course to you. Who else would he propose to?”

“I haven’t really thought about it. We’ve barely spent any time together all month.”

“It’s a wedding though. You know how weddings make people. Everyone’s happy and in love. I’d give it some thought. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s planning something.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I think he’ll be focused on his brother this weekend. Plus, he’s got this ballroom-dance thing with the maid of honor. There’s going to be a lot going on.”

“Hmm. Maybe you’re right. Do you think it’ll happen soon though? Are you getting the vibe?”

An interesting question. But an easy one to answer. We were never together. “Vibes are tough when there’s two thousand miles separating you.”

“You just need to move out there already. Go for it.”

“You want to hear something awful?”

“Always,” she responded.

“I really don’t want to move.” It was the first time I’d said as much out loud, and a sudden weight felt like it’d been lifted off my chest. I didn’t want to move back to California. I loved North Carolina. I loved being closer to my family. And I’d just moved back. I was nowhere near ready to move again.

“Seriously? Those are big words, Lane. He’s moving for sure, isn’t he?”

I sighed. “He hasn’t told me yet. All signs seem to be pointing in that direction, what, with how much time he’s spending out there, but he still says nothing is final. The business deal is final, but the move isn’t necessarily so. They’re still discussing whether or not an East Coast office is a reasonable possibility.”

“So, wait. The two of you aren’t talking about what this means to your relationship?”

“No. Weird, isn’t it? He’s completely avoiding the subject. And I guess I am too because if he asks me if I want to move, what am I going to say? No?”

“If that’s how you feel, yeah.”

“I think I’m waiting for something to happen that will make moving seem worth it. Something will click, and then I’ll know he’s the one and I should move.”

“Well, it’s definitely too big a step to take if you don’t feel that way.”

“Right?”

Twenty minutes later, we settled into her living room, burgers, sweet-potato fries, and two dozen macarons filling the table in front of us. “I’m so happy right now,” I said with a sigh.

She reached for a macaron, her burger still wrapped neatly on the table before her. “I want to see a picture of Simon.”

I grabbed my own macaron. “Why?”

“Just because. Does he look like his brother? Is he better-looking? These are important questions.”

It was a dangerous vein of thinking, comparing the two brothers, but I dug my phone out of my purse and pulled up my Facebook account anyway. I searched through my friends until I found Simon’s profile. His picture was from the back—him on a mountain somewhere—and was totally ambiguous. It could have been anyone in the picture. Slightly annoying but also totally Simon. Unlike Jamie’s profile picture that looked like he was a dang J.Crew model. I clicked on his photos and searched until I found a good one, then handed the phone over to Randi.

“Wow. He is cute.” She scrolled through a few more pictures. “I think he’s cuter than Jamie. He looks more . . . I don’t know. Real, I guess.”

“That’s my boyfriend you’re knocking. Jamie looks plenty real.”

“No, I know. I can’t explain it. Maybe I just like his looks a little more.”

She couldn’t explain it. But I probably could. The word that came to mind totally unbidden and quick enough that I was ashamed to even acknowledge it, was depth. Simon had some. Lots of it. When I looked at the few pictures he had of himself on Facebook, that was what I saw.

“So how’s it been with Simon lately?” Randi asked. “Do you ever see him anymore?”

“Why are you asking? You keep bringing him up, but you told me he was off-limits.”

“I did say that, but . . .”

I didn’t love her hesitation. It always meant she was gearing up to say something hard.

“But what?”

“But I’m not convinced your heart’s really in this thing with Jamie. And I think it’s because of Simon. If he’s the better guy for you, I want to talk you through it.”

I shook my head. “No. That’s not how it is. I’ve barely seen him lately. At the inn a handful of times, but he’s there on business, so it’s been brief and neutral. We haven’t really talked since we were in Bristol with his family.”

“I guess with Jamie gone so much you’re not exactly hanging out with his family members without him.”

“Exactly. That would be totally weird.”

“Okay. If you say it’s not an issue, I’ll believe you,” Randi said.

A few hours later, I stretched out on Randi’s couch and tried to sleep, but my brain wasn’t cooperating. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shut it off.

I thought first of Jamie. By acknowledging Simon’s depth, was I implying I thought Jamie was shallow? When I broke down the evidence, he wasn’t. We’d talked about Fountainhead the last time he’d called. You couldn’t talk about Fountainhead if you were shallow. I made a few more tally marks in his favor. He ran a successful business. Had meaningful relationships with his family. Plus, he loved me, which had to say something.

It should have said everything I needed to know about our relationship, but I wasn’t convinced it did. I was afraid that while Jamie himself might not be shallow, our relationship very well could be. And that wasn’t a good thing.

I huffed, annoyed with my current train of thought, and turned over, pounding my fist into my pillow. Would I even be having doubts if Simon weren’t in the picture? If he were the one getting married in two days, if we’d never spent any time together, would I be overanalyzing Jamie’s flaws?

I said it wasn’t an issue, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was. Mostly because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Still, everything with Simon was pretty nebulous. Vague notions from Granny Grace or moments of connection I’d tried to ignore. Broken down into individual moments, it didn’t add up to much.

But there was something more significant. Something I had yet to admit, even to myself. But lying there in the dark, staring at Randi’s ceiling, wishing I’d stopped at macaron number six instead of ten, the truth was too blatant to ignore.

I liked Simon.

Maybe I’d fallen in love with Jamie, but I’d noticed his older brother in a way I probably shouldn’t have. And everything felt more confusing because of it. I had to be careful. I couldn’t let my guard down around Simon—not even a little.

As a counterpoint to the argument, did it even matter if Simon was the reason for my doubt? If Jamie really was the right man for me, would any man, brother or not, be enough to lure me away?

My phone chimed with an incoming text, so I rolled over, curious to see who it was. It sat facedown on the coffee table beside me, its light reflecting off the glass tabletop and bouncing back up toward the ceiling. I reached for it, happy to see a text from my brother, John.

Little sister! Just got your voice mail. Are you still up?

I glanced at the clock. It was almost 2:00 a.m. Crazy, but true, I texted back. I’m still up and so happy to hear from you!

His response came through immediately. Can I call?

I hurried off the couch and onto Randi’s front porch, dragging a blanket behind me. In her four-hundred-square-foot apartment, you could talk from one corner to the other in a normal speaking voice and not miss a single word. I didn’t want to wake her up.

I answered John’s call on the first ring. “Johnnie!” I pulled the blanket around my shoulders to keep out the chill. Georgia was warmer than NC, but it was still 2:00 a.m. at the end of October, and I was in pajamas. Definitely blanket-worthy circumstances.

“It’s good to hear your voice,” he said. “How are you?”

I couldn’t stop smiling. It had been way too long since we’d last spoken. “I’m so good. How are you? How’s work?”

“Hard. But rewarding. I scrubbed in on an intrauterine fetal surgery today. Fixed a baby’s heart before she’s even been born. It was amazing.”

“I can imagine. Are these generally the hours you keep? I can set my alarm for 2:00 a.m. if it means you’ll be able to call me more.”

“That’s a decent plan. I’m still at the hospital even now. With surgery scheduled first thing in the morning, it seems silly to go home.”

“At least go stand on the roof and get a little sunshine.”

“I miss the North Carolina sunshine. Feels like there isn’t as much of it up here.”

“So come home! Are you coming for Thanksgiving?”

“I’m going to try.”

“Abuela’s coming. Mom bought her ticket already.”

“Ahhh,” John groaned. “I guess I’ll be there for sure, then.”

“Why don’t you sound excited?”

“I got a voice mail from cousin Armando.”

“Is that Valeria’s son?”

“Mm-hmm. He lives in Arecibo right across from Abuela, and he’s very concerned about her making the trip.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“It’s her health. That’s why he called me. She had a series of ministrokes a few months back. She’s been fine, but they’re all worried about the strain of travel.”

“Does Mom know about this?”

“Not yet. Armando sent me her doctor’s information, and I took the liberty of calling this afternoon to get a doctor-to-doctor opinion. While she advised against it, she was encouraged by the prospect of me being with Abuela and just suggested we take it really easy and make sure she gets plenty of rest during her stay.”

I heaved out a sigh. “I just talked to her a few days ago.”

“How did she sound?”

“Great. Excited. Maybe a little tired, but she’s eighty-four. I guess I expect her to sound a little tired.”

“If Mom already bought her plane ticket, Abuela’s mind is made up, and I doubt we can change it. We’ll just have to take care of her. Make sure she’s happy. And mentally, we need to prepare ourselves. I doubt she’ll make the trip again.”

I pulled in a sharp breath of cold air. John’s words hit me hard. Abuela had always been there. Life without her was a reality I didn’t want to imagine.

As an adult, I hadn’t been great about making the trip to see her. We’d gone consistently as kids, but after our last trip as a family, the summer after I graduated from high school, I hadn’t been back. To be fair, she’d been to the States twice in the seven years since then—once to surprise my mother for her birthday and again two years later for my college graduation. That last time, she’d told me, “Next time, I’ll come for your wedding.”

Now next time had become this time. I couldn’t give her a wedding by Thanksgiving. But maybe supplying a boyfriend wasn’t asking too much. “I guess I really need to bring Jamie home with me, huh?”

“If she’s expecting to meet him, I wouldn’t want to disappoint her if I were you.”

“It’s all she talked about when she called. And really, I guess I want her to meet him. Maybe it’ll stop her from giving my contact info to the missionaries.”

“She’s still doing that?”

“Yep.”

He laughed. “Man, you have it worse than I ever did.”

“Don’t rub it in.”

“This might be it, Lane. Abuela isn’t getting any younger. I know it feels like a lot of pressure, but her hopes hinge on you. If you can make it work, I’d bring him.”

“I’m sure he’ll come if I ask him. It’s just all . . . a little complicated right now.”

“What’s complicated?”

“Life. Love. Everything.”

“Okay. Spill it, sis. Spare me no details.”

I curled up into Randi’s porch swing, my blanket still pulled tightly around me, and launched into a detailed account of my love life, even down to the nitty-gritty of my conflicted feelings regarding Simon.

“I can’t figure out why he even keeps coming to my mind,” I said. “I really do love Jamie. It annoys me that I keep thinking about Simon at all.”

“Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason for what our heart feels,” John said. “Have you thought about asking Simon how he feels?”

“What, about me?”

“Sure. I don’t want to diminish your feelings here, but it’s possible you’re making it all up, right? If Granny Grace hadn’t planted the seed of doubt, suggesting Simon had feelings for you, would you be thinking about this at all?”

“I don’t know. I think maybe yes. We’ve had these moments, John. Nothing major. Just looks mostly. But there’s definitely a connection. It feels real.”

“So talk to him. If it’s one-sided, you can let it go and make a decision about Jamie and California without Simon as an outside influence. If it isn’t and he has feelings for you, well, then you factor that in when you’re making your choice.”

“Except it won’t matter if he has feelings for me. Simon would never betray his brother.”

“Even if you and Jamie break up? After some time, surely . . .”

“I don’t know. I seriously doubt it. And honestly, I don’t know if I’m willing to risk it. My relationship with Jamie is good. It feels foolish to even be voicing doubts.”

“I’m going to channel Mom for a minute, okay?”

I groaned. “Uggh. Fine.”

John raised his voice and mimicked our mother’s Puerto Rican dialect almost flawlessly. “It’s not like you don’t have some choice in the matter, young lady. Focus on the relationship you want, and dismiss the inconsequential feelings. Let your mind lead your heart, not the other way around.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. It was perfect. Perfect! “That was so awesome.”

“Thank you. I’ve been practicing.”

“She would die if she heard you.”

“And I thank you for keeping my talents hidden. But, Lane, it isn’t bad advice. Don’t let your doubts mess stuff up. If you’ve got a good thing with Jamie, focus on that. Especially since finding a new boyfriend before Thanksgiving might be tough, and you cannot come home unescorted.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Does Mom know about your man trouble?”

I shifted the phone from my left hand to my right, pulling my now-freezing left hand under the blanket. “Don’t call it trouble. That makes it sound way worse than it is. And no, Mom doesn’t know anything other than that I’m dating someone and it’s getting kind of serious. And I’d like to keep it that way, please and thank you. I’ll keep your secrets if you keep mine.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

I yawned. The late hour was finally catching up with me. “It’s late, John. I think I need to get some sleep.”

“You and me both,” he said. “I’ve got a date with the OR in just a few hours.”

“When are you ever going to stop working so much?”

“Never. I’m having too much fun.”

“Is that what doctors are calling it these days? Your patients are lucky to have you.”

“I’ll see you in a couple of weeks?”

I sniffed, my nose suddenly running from the cold. “Sounds good. Love you, John.”

I could hear the smile in his voice. “Love you too, little sister.”

Simon: Brothers. Got an e-mail from Cooper asking that I add the following message to the thread so he isn’t left out of the wedding celebrations: Congratulations to Dave, the first of us to fall. May you be happy and prosperous and gain fifteen pounds from Katie’s delicious cooking so you will be slow and easier to beat on the field.

Dave: A poet, that one.

Jamie: Are you nervous?

Dave: Not at all. Just excited.

Simon: I need to ask a favor. Of both of you.

Jamie: Shoot.

Simon: I’m bringing a date to the rehearsal dinner.

Jamie: Dude. Way to rebound.

Simon: That’s why I brought it up. I know it’s soon after the breakup. Please don’t make it a big deal.

Dave: We’ve got your back, man. But are you ready to date again?

Simon: Probably not. But loving someone who can’t love you back stinks. The distraction helps.

Jamie: Don’t play her though, man. That’s not okay.

Simon: I would never do that. It’s just a date. And she’s nice. Who knows if it’ll go somewhere. But just don’t react. Jamie—I’m looking at you.

Jamie: Noted. I’ll be on my best behavior.