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Steven hit the phone number for his parent’s house on the keypad of his cell phone with trembling fingers. He’d locked himself in the living area that Billy rarely used inside the depths of the house. Luckily, it had pocket doors that he could close for complete privacy. He sank down on the flame-stitched club chair as the phone rang in his ear.
He’d kissed Billy. And, oh, hell, it had been so, so good. But he couldn’t let that sway him. He had very set goals for his life...a wife, a family, a loving relationship with a woman. To endanger all that for a momentary high of feeling good was stupid and ridiculous.
He had more control than that, but it would be better to remove himself from the temptation of being so close to Billy. Then he needed his laptop and his imaginary worlds, because he hadn’t been this drawn to a man in years. It helped to write it all down, get it all out. Escape into a fantasy world where he could be who he wanted to be and do anything he wanted to do.
He swiped at his eyes and cursed. Even this fucking show of emotion was weak. He wasn’t that man.
“Hardesty residence,” a woman said, answering his parent’s phone. They were constantly going through new housekeepers, and he’d lost track years ago of who was there at any given time.
“Um, yes, this is Steven...Steven Hardesty. Is my mom available?”
“Oh, yes, sir. I apologize for not looking at the caller ID and realizing it was you.” She sounded young and flustered.
“It’s fine.” The line was quiet as he waited a moment for her to do something, but he could just hear her breathing. “My mom?”
A nervous giggle. “Oh, god, sorry. Yes, let me go see if I can locate her.”
Steven could hear the girl walking down the marble halls of the Hardesty mansion and had to suppress a shudder. That sound still crept into his nightmares, knowing the footsteps preceded his father showing up to educate Steven. Marble was the absolute worst flooring ever.
Could he really choose to go back there?
He closed his eyes but was immediately swamped with the lingering memory of Billy’s lips on his. Damn, why did he have to be so messed up? He wanted one thing in life...a family. If he ever showed this forbidden attraction toward men, his powerful father would make sure his dreams would never happen. He had to remember that, not the wonderful sensation of Billy in his arms.
“Steven? Are you there?” His father’s gruff voice came across the line. He’d lost track of where the girl was in the mansion, so he almost dropped the phone at the sound of his father.
“Um, yes, sir.” By habit, Steven stood up straighter, taller, even though his father was nowhere close to him to correct him for his insolent posture. All that did was remind him of the still-healing gunshot wound in his side. He hissed in a breath.
“What was that?” his father asked. “Are you okay?”
Steven’s eyes flew open. That pained breath opened up the opportunity to explain what happened to him. That’s why he’d been calling them. To tell them that he needed to come home, but faced with the memories of that house, his father’s wrath...he just couldn’t. Not yet.
So instead, he diverted and chose the coward’s way. “What about you? What are you doing home in the middle of the day?”
His dad should be at the church this time of day, and that was the only reason he’d called now. If he’d known his father was home, he’d have called his mother’s private cell phone.
His father coughed, a horrible, hacking sound. When he could finally talk, his voice sounded rougher. “I caught a miserable cold and can’t seem to shake it. Margaret insisted I stay home today, so she could fuss over me. The problem is the infernal woman won’t let me be so I can actually rest.”
Steven laughed lightly. That sounded like his mother. Known as Mags to everyone but his dad, she could hover and mother with the best of them. It had been a source of contention for his father, who had claimed all that mothering had made his son weak.
Returning home was a bad idea. If his mom knew he was hurt, she’d be ready to take care of absolutely everything for him—not that he wanted that. The thought of going home had offered a sense of comfort that he could use right now. Would it be worth it, though? Because he’d also have to deal with his father’s constant cutting remarks about the fact.
He should man up and just deal with this thing with Billy rather than run to his mommy.
“Well, I hope you’re feeling better soon,” he told his dad. “Don’t give mom too hard of a time for wanting to spoil you. She doesn’t get the chance very often, so indulge her...and yourself.”
His father harrumphed. “Speaking of being home in the middle of the day, what’s going on with you? Why aren’t you at work?”
Steven winced. He hadn’t even considered that when he called, either. “I’m not working right now. Lots of late nights this week, so my schedule is kind of off.” Not exactly a lie. He did have mostly late nights simply because he couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep. It was just a somewhat misleading statement. Something his father was king of with his being a preacher at one of the wealthiest churches in the country. If there was something his father excelled at, it was twisting a phrase or the truth to further his own agenda.
“Well, late nights never hurt anyone,” his father said, his words crackling like gravel. “Your boards for lieutenant colonel are coming up, right? You need to make sure you’re in a position to move up as quickly as possible.”
Steven’s shoulders tightened. The other thing he hadn’t mentioned to his parents was his separation from the Air Force. His father would not be pleased.
“Yep. Don’t worry. I’m on top of it.” As on top of it as he could be since he’d put in his separation paperwork just a few days before getting shot.
“Well, I certainly should hope so. Don’t forget, you have a reputation to uphold as a Hardesty. God is watching you, as am I, and all of my flock.”
Steven’s lip curled. Only his dad could make a statement like that comparing himself to God with a straight face. Narcissism...no one could compare to his father when it came to the trait.
“I appreciate the support, Dad.” He said it with something close to a smile on his face. Maybe his father wouldn’t hear the sarcasm in his voice.
“Don’t get smart with me, boy,” his father growled, the threat echoing through his voice. He launched into another round of hacking coughs.
Steven closed his eyes. Calling had been a mistake. His mom came on the line. “Steven?”
Relief sang through his veins. Talking to his mom was always easier. “Hi, Mom. Is Dad okay?”
“Yes.”
He could hear her murmuring something to his father.
“You should know better than to rile him up like that, especially when he’s already not feeling well.” Her voice was much quieter as she scolded him.
Just fucking perfect. Now he’d been dressed down by both his parents...at the age of thirty-eight. Calling had definitely been a mistake. But instead of arguing with her, he acted in the same respectful manner he’d been taught from childhood. “I’m sorry, Mom. That certainly wasn’t my intent.” He cleared his throat. “How are things with you?”
“Oh, I’m just perfect. You will never believe what is going on with Sarah and the children.” Then she went on to wax poetic about his impeccable older sister, Sarah, who was a reincarnated Stepford wife to her husband, a prominent Chicago attorney. They had the requisite two kids and a family dog, and his mom went on about all of them and their perfect lives for quite a while.
Who knew it was possible for his sister to live his ideal life? At least it was his ideal on paper. He could definitely do without being a trophy wife like his sister had become, but everything else about her life...he dreamed about it. He wanted a family more than anything else.
For a moment, he let himself indulge in the fantasy of a life with Billy, one where his family wouldn’t disown him for being with a man. One where the stability of his imaginary family wasn’t based on the whims of the ever-changing political climate. Definitely a fantasy. So much so that it ruined the indulgence.
He understood that LGBTQA rights had come so far, but every single day there were rollbacks to those rights that were absolutely terrifying. His father and the church he led were right at the forefront of that political action, using their power, wealth, and influence to change laws and rights that should be basic for every human, regardless of sexuality. So much for separation of church and state. In the last few years, that had gone out the door and it had taken so many basic civil liberties with it.
If his father ever found out he was gay? Steven shuddered.
The blowback would be enormous for the entire LGBTQA community. Yes, his father had that much power and absolutely could be that vengeful. He wouldn’t think twice about making the entire community pay for his son making the choice to give in to his depraved sexuality, for embarrassing the esteemed Reverend Hardesty in front of his flock by doing something so horrifically sinful.
He’d been raised by a religious zealot and had been taught gay men were sick faggots. Even though as an adult, he knew how wrong that was. The fact of the matter was that being gay was a part of him just like his blonde hair and fair skin was a part of him. But that didn’t change that he could never let them know. He couldn’t risk it.
His mother finally wound down her monologue about his sister. With a sinking feeling in his gut, he cleared his throat, scrambling for an excuse. He needed to escape this phone call now before...
“What about you, dear?” his mother asked. “Have you popped the question to Felicia, yet? You know she’s not getting any younger, and I need more grandchildren.”
He had to stop her. “Mom,” he said gently. “We broke up.”
His mom made a sound of distress that pretty much matched how he felt about this entire phone call.
“It’s okay,” he reassured her. “It turns out she had never gotten over her first love, so if we had made it to that point, the odds were it wouldn’t have lasted. I’m okay with it now.”
He said his goodbyes quickly with his mom. He just needed this phone call to end and to escape the realities of life for a little bit. When he closed his cell phone, he sank to the ground, completely overwhelmed with everything. He went to his bag to retrieve his laptop and prayed that he didn’t see Billy. He couldn’t deal with the man yet.
***
THE CLICKING OF THE laptop keys drew Billy inside the room that his mom used to call the formal parlor. He’d wanted to give Steven some space, but as the late afternoon had waned into evening, his worry had ratcheted up, especially when Billy couldn’t find Steven.
Steven sat in one of those old eighties club chairs that had been in this room as long as Billy could remember, hunched over his laptop. The chair appeared to be eating Steven. Sitting hunched over like that couldn’t be good for his breathing, either.
A quick glance around the room proved that the whole room could use an overhaul. His housekeeper cleaned the whole house from top to bottom once a week, but he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d come in here. He should really renovate the space into something more useful. Like maybe an office for guests to utilize...like Steven.
But today, his focus needed to stay on the beautiful man in the chair who remained oblivious to his presence. What had captured his attention so deeply?
Billy watched him for a moment. First, a frown burrowed between Steven’s golden brows, but then his eyes lit up and he began to nod as a slow, wicked smile spread over his face. Billy had no real idea of what Steven typed, but suddenly had a thought that it just might be a bit naughty. Something about the heated smirk on Steven’s face.
If Billy hadn’t seen Steven’s hands moving over the keys, he would have guessed that he was watching a really good movie.
Sudden heat sizzled in Billy’s nerves. He wanted to see more, to know more about this mysterious, sexy man.
Billy stood there, enraptured, until Steven frowned, looking confused. He suddenly looked up, met Billy’s gaze, jerked back, and blanched when he realized Billy watched him.
Fuck. Billy hated that horrified expression on Steven’s face and would do anything to go back in time to take back that kiss which had messed up so much between them. They obviously needed to sort that, but he wasn’t quite ready to go there yet, so he nodded at the laptop. “You were completely engrossed. What are you working on?”
Steven flushed dark red and slammed the laptop lid closed. “Oh...um...” He glanced off to the side. “It’s just some work stuff.”
Liar. On top of everything else that had happened today, that struck a nerve. Steven didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth.
“Oh, okay.” He didn’t hide the disappointment in his voice, but he refused to push Steven into disclosing something that he didn’t want to. “Are you—”
“I owe you an apology,” Steven said at the same time. “I’m sorry, Billy. You didn’t deserve the attitude I gave you earlier. You didn’t do anything wrong, and if I made it seem like you did...” Steven looked away again as he swallowed hard and then looked back to Billy. Pain filled his eyes. “I’m just really sorry about all of it.”
All of it. His reaction? The kiss? Billy tried not to read something into Steven’s words that wasn’t there, but it seemed like maybe... “Can I ask you something?”
Steven’s expression turned wary. “Um...I guess so.”
Nervous energy climbed up Billy’s throat. This might be a huge mistake, but he had to know. “Did you enjoy the kiss?”
For a moment, Steven’s eyes darkened. That single look sent a sizzle of lust straight into Billy’s balls and gave him his answer as Steven ducked his head.
Steven asked, “I don’t remember ever discussing it, but do you know who my dad is?”
The change in subject gave Billy whiplash. He had no idea what this had to do with anything. He definitely didn’t know Steven’s dad, so he shook his head. “Not a clue, but I don’t think it matters—”
“Reverend Hardesty from the Life Church.”
Shock slammed into Billy.
“His full name is Steven Hardesty, Senior. I’m Steven Hardesty, Junior. Most people never catch the connection because very few know his first name isn’t Reverend.”
Billy felt his eyes go wide. Every gay person in America knew Reverend Hardesty as one of the most powerful anti-LGBTQA lobbyists in America, backed by the money of his very wealthy church brought him. The man had testified before congress about how the equality movement was shredding at the very fabric of the American home. His sermons were televised nationwide weekly, and easily, half his sermons were based on the moral depravity that came from the LGBTQA community.
Suddenly, Steven’s strong reaction to the kiss made complete sense. “Oh, Steven...goddamn, that’s awful.”
Steven let out a braying bark of bitter laughter. “You have no idea, but I think you’re the first person who’s ever had that reaction. Most people gush about how lucky I am to have been raised in such a loving, Christian home.” Steven shook his head. “Loving? That’s a total joke. My father is the most narcissistic, controlling man with a God complex that you’ll ever meet. You can’t imagine what it was like growing up in that household.”
Billy’s heart broke just imagining a young Steven hitting puberty, and dealing with all the sexual confusion that came with being gay and having to grow up in Reverend Hardesty’s household. It had to have been terrifying for him. No wonder he’d lived his life in the closet.
“Steven, surely you’re far enough from living with your parents to know that you can live your own life now. You don’t have to bow down to your father’s expectations anymore.”
The idea that he was even still doing that did not align with the strong man that Billy knew Steven to be.
“If it was just a matter of defying my father, that’s a no-brainer.” Steven shook his head. “Because even I—with absolutely zero experience—can see how good we’d be together.”
For a moment, pure lust flitted across Steven’s face as he met Billy’s gaze intently. The honesty there almost brought him to his knees.
“Although damn...” Steven continued, “I cannot imagine how badly that discussion with my dad would go.” Steven gave him a wan smile.
“How would the discussion go?” Billy asked. “Would you be telling him you’re...” He didn’t even know where to start with his guesses. Gay? Bi? Experimenting? Fluid?
“Gay or maybe pansexual. I’ve always been attracted to more the person rather than a certain physical attribute, like Felicia. But my main attraction has always been mainly to men,” Steven confessed, but he said it in a very low voice and wouldn’t meet Billy’s gaze like even that was a horrifying confession.
Again, Billy’s heart twisted. God, to live with a secret like that for decades. How much was Steven hiding about his true self?
“I’ve grown up in the heart of that church, in the heart of my father’s power. I’ve seen how easily that power can sway the powers that be. There is so much sway in the ‘name of God,’ it’s truly sickening and more than a little terrifying.”
Finally Steven met his gaze and the devastation he saw there blew him away. “I have one thing in my life that I want more than anything...a family. Right now, today, that is a right that most LGBTQA in the United States are guaranteed, but every single day we are seeing the foundation of those rights crumbling under our current government regime. For me, it’s not about whether I’m in love with a guy or a girl. To me, it’s what I need to do to keep my future family safe. That means I will never love a man. I can’t. It’s not worth the risk to my dream.” His voice broke on that last word.
Billy tried to sort through the words for the meaning behind them. This was a lot to take in. “So...what? You’ll just never act on an attraction or interest in another person if they happen to have a penis?” Could that even work? Did anyone have that much self-control?
Steven’s mouth cut into an unhappy line as he nodded. “Exactly. So, you see...it’s not you. It’s me, and it’s the stark reality of our world we live in. It pretty much sucks, but luckily, I’m attracted to women, too. I just have to find another one who will give me the time of day.”
Those words struck Billy’s heart with the same force that barbed arrows would. His chest grew tight and it was hard to breathe. Just the idea of Steven meeting a woman after admitting that they could have something amazingly good between the two of them...it hurt. A lot.
So much that Billy had to clear his throat and look away so Steven wouldn’t see the devastation that his words had wrought. “While I can see your point, I think you’re wrong. Every day, liberals are gaining more ground against where our government has gone recently. It’s going to become safe to be LGBTQA again. I fully believe that.” He had to believe that. To believe otherwise would be too devastating to even consider. They’d gained so much over the last few years. They just couldn’t lose all that ground.
Steven’s shoulders grew tight. “The last few months my dad and his church have calmed down their activism. I know it’s hard to believe that one person holds that much power, but to the Christian right, whatever my dad says is gospel. If I came out, he’d light a fire to every LGBTQA right out there. I can’t risk my future family or the lives of other LGBTQA families. I won’t.”
Steven took a shuddering deep breath that looked painful.
Billy wanted to go to him, to comfort him, but his tense posture right now made Billy think a single touch could shatter Steven’s composure. “My father looks at a gay person—me—and thinks that I’m wrong or dangerous for a minor to be around. The only thing worse than never having a family would be to have it and then to have it taken away. I just...no, it’s not worth it to me. Not when I can fall for a woman just as easily as I could for a man. I control my destiny and I can’t be swayed on this. I’m sorry, Billy.”
Like it could truly be that easy, but maybe it was for Steven. Billy was only attracted to one sex...men. He couldn’t imagine being able to pick and choose between the two sexes, but it had to be something like choosing a potential partner in a bar. He could be attracted to several different guys in the place, but he’d always hone in on one.
Billy turned back with a shrug and tried to play off the hurt battering him. Although he knew that Steven wasn’t condemning him for being gay, it still felt like it. The whole thing gave Billy a sick, oily feeling in his gut.
He gave a dramatic sigh to lighten the intensity. “Okay, I get it. I will tone down all of this,”—he ran a hand showcasing the front of his body—“so that you have a chance in hell of resisting me.”
Steven’s smile looked more sad than a smile ever should. “If there was ever a man that could tempt me, it’s you, but I can’t.” He left the room, leaving Billy’s head swimming in the wake of all his revelations.