The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex

I’VE COME A LONG way since I first started masturbating. Since then I have tried all kinds of toys, experimented with partners, and even attended Betty Dodson’s famed Bodysex workshop, where I masturbated in a circle with the eight other women in attendance.

Like everything else in our lives, our masturbation practices are journeys all our own, and they speak volumes about our lives, our experiences, our relationships, and our futures.

I asked survey takers to speak to how their masturbation practices have evolved or changed since they started masturbating. The most common answers included feeling less guilty, adding toys to the mix, and becoming more “efficient.” Any changes that make you feel good are positive ones. And if you have felt guilt in the past, losing that guilt is the most important evolution you can experience. You don’t have to suffer with guilt. You don’t deserve to suffer with guilt. Guilt is about other people and their issues. You don’t have to live under their burdens and discomfort. Masturbation is about you, and only you.

Lots of respondents also said they feel like they know their bodies better now, and what works and what doesn’t. Some noted that their orgasms have become more intense as they have gotten older, and others said they felt their hands were no longer enough to get them off. Interestingly, some people say they masturbate more now as adults and others say they do it less.

Many women say they began to use it as a way to fall asleep as time went on. And others mentioned needing mental stimulation as they got older—books or pornography or simply fantasizing, which they didn’t necessarily need as a kid. Most say it has improved over time! A number of respondents said they have added penetration to their solo play, as well as incorporating other body parts, like legs and breasts. And some said they have come to enjoy having a partner watch them when they masturbate.

I didn’t start masturbating until I was nearly twenty. At first I was masturbating every chance I had. Multiple times a day, any time I was alone. I remember once, having been turned on by a make-out session after a date, I pulled into a car wash and masturbated in the front seat because I was turned on so much it was actually hurting and I needed to release the tension.

It hasn’t changed much. I am not a very successful masturbator without the wand. I pretty much need porn to come if I don’t have the wand with me. It’s very hard for me to focus otherwise, and I get extremely impatient with myself. I think I use the wand to come (especially with partners) mostly because I’m not patient and I feel bad for taking so long, and then it becomes something I’m self-conscious of, and that’s never going to get me off.

I went through a period in college (not so much these days) in which I fucked myself with a dildo to come and ejaculated and came that way. I still like that but I don’t bother much anymore.

Full circle. I started with external stimulation, then moved onto [penetration with] vibrators, and am now back to external only.

When I first discovered that I had this option, I was single and living alone. I was so excited! Then I tried to be in a relationship with a man. I didn’t understand my sexuality yet. And didn’t understand why I hated having sex. Why I avoided it at all costs, but enjoyed masturbation, and did it regularly. Then I got into my first relationship with a woman and loved sex. It’s amazing. So, I don’t feel like masturbating very often because I have amazing sex. And, as I mentioned, she is uncomfortable with me masturbating alone.

I find myself self-satisfying instead of looking for or accepting offers of sexual experiences that could ultimately put me into danger.

In the beginning I would use pillows to grind up against. Now I use my fingers on my clit and simultaneously rub my nipples and breasts.

It took a long time to go from using water coming out of the spout to actually touching myself. And I still do sometimes masturbate by touching myself, but a vibrator is so much faster and more intense.

Well, when I was younger, it was always just the clitoral stimulation. Then, as I grew older, wiser, and more in tune with my needs and wants, it included penetration as well.

I have gone from rubbing against surfaces as a kid to using my hand to using toys.

I used to not really know what I was doing and used random objects to masturbate with. And I always denied it. Now I couldn’t give less of a fuck if people know I masturbate. And now I know there so many toys that you can purchase!

I was so young when I figured it out, there was so much going on with me then; but now I know who I am and an empowered by it. And honestly, it all stems from my masturbation at a young age. If my parents had found out when I was a kid it probably would have screwed me up, because I know they wouldn’t have handled it the right way. I learned by myself and have spent almost my entire life perfecting the art of masturbation.

It has become more monotonous and quiet, and less joyful, since I started as a teen. When I first started, I would vocalize my arousal, and become excited at the sounds of my own moaning! I used my fingers, I used showerheads, and also, in college, rubbed my vulvar area against the edge of the mattress until I came. Or I would sit on a (covered!) toilet in the college library and touch myself there. I would touch my body all over, and relish that.

Now, my masturbation is unvaried. I don’t touch myself all over; I just touch my clitoral area. I don’t make noises. I do it in bed, under my sheets, with an iPhone to watch a porn video with the volume turned down. I’m pretty much always trying to make it quiet and relatively quick. Once a year or so I’ll go to the bathroom and try the showerhead. But I feel self-conscious with that, like someone will wonder why I’m taking so long. So basically, my masturbation life has become more pigeonholed as I’ve gotten older. When I was younger, my own fantasies, or erotic literature, were enough to focus me and arouse me to the point of orgasm. Now, I am easily distracted, even with a porn video in front of me. (I’ll even start pontificating about the fakeness of the video...) So I spend a good deal of time flipping through videos, trying to find one that seems “real.” Most people go through sexual awakenings as they age; I’m going through an increasing sexual inhibition.

I’m more creative getting myself off. I enjoy it more. I take my time and savor the moment.

Now I involve more of my body parts. I need to stretch my skin more now to increase stimulation.

Now that I know what happens to my body, I can feel every little sign before the orgasm, and I have multiple orgasms.

When I first started, I didn’t know what was really happening. Over time I learned what a female orgasm was, learned more about my body, what I like, what turns me on, etc. I have always noticed that if I’m not in the right frame of mind, like if my mind is on other things, it can take a long time to reach climax. So I’ve learned to meditate just before masturbating to clear my head of whatever was going on in my day.

I try to switch between different positions to avoid getting myself off in only one specific way.

Knowing very little about the clitoris at first, I spent a lot of my early adolescence inserting things into my vagina and wondering why it didn’t feel good. Even when I did try to stimulate my clitoris, it took too long and my hand would get tired. Then, when I was sixteen, I read in an online forum about using the bathtub faucet to masturbate, and that was what gave me my first orgasm and remained my preferred method for the rest of high school. In college, I bought my own sex toys, but I also learned how to get myself off with my fingers if I needed to. I now enjoy collecting sex toys and experiencing all the different sensations they can offer.

Well, I am lazy now and rarely masturbate to climax without a bullet. And I use porn like ninety-five percent of the time now because I am lazy and it’s easy.

I quit touching myself after boys started touching me in junior high and didn’t start again until I was with one who encouraged me to touch myself in bed with him at sixteen. I didn’t start masturbating alone for my pleasure until sex in my marriage stopped being as great as it once was. Also my toys have upgraded significantly.

It started when I was young, putting pressure on my clitoris using tapping motions over my clothes. Then as I aged it evolved to direct skin-to-skin contact, and circular motions. As I read more, I wanted to experience penetration, so I started using a marker to penetrate myself. However, penetration took me a really long time to clear that mental hurdle. Being a virgin, I resisted the thought of being penetrated for the first time by an inanimate object. I got over it eventually. When I got to my first year of university, I ordered a simple vibrator and began using that for penetration. That was an evolution in and of itself. As a virgin, going from a marker to a vibrator took a while because of the size differences and my inhibitions. That pretty much brings us to where I am now: mostly clitoral stimulation with the occasional foray into penetration via vibrator. Though I’m thinking about branching out to include more sex toys, because why not?

I became more creative. I have better orgasms.

When I started, I never used my hands. I didn’t even understand how that could make someone come until I was in my thirties. I always just crossed my legs on my side and thrust my hips and Kegeled. Hand manipulation seemed too intense, and simultaneously not enough. Also, occasionally now I penetrate myself with a dildo. But that’s kind of an ordeal, and I don’t usually feel like I need it.

I always wear underwear now when I masturbate. And making even the slightest of noises makes it feel better. Learning how to masturbate and using what I know has made sex better.

Starting to use toys has been a huge game changer for me. It’s much more enjoyable and the sensations are a lot more intense that way. Also, I was initially afraid to use my hands (which I suspect is due to being molested as a child) and pretty much just rubbed against a pillow. Getting comfortable with touching myself has been a bit of a process and is something I really enjoy, now.

When I started I was a teenager, so I didn’t have access to toys. Toys became a much more regular thing in my mid-twenties. Now I tend towards clitoral toys, as they make less noise. Rabbits are very loud, and I live in a house where the walls are paper-thin! I do miss penetrative masturbation, but I don’t really want my weird housemate listening in on me!

I started out by basically humping things. Which eventually began to strike me as impractical (what with the arm of the couch being in a public area of the house), so I taught myself to hump my hand instead. And then at age thirteen or so I was under the impression that hetero sex always meant missionary-style PIV, so I trained myself to bring myself to orgasm while on my back. Now my anxiety and the meds I’m taking for it are fucking me all up and I need fast, jackhammer-hard stimulation, so it’s the Magic Wand every time. On the high setting.

It was first about the end result, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s more about the tease, exploration, buildup, and then the release.

I learned a lot through watching Carlin Ross and Betty Dodson’s video in which Carlin explains that she always had more of the “leg tension” orgasms. I followed Betty’s advice on how to move your pelvis (she calls it the Rock ’n’ Roll technique), breathing and fantasizing throughout. A couple of times I had much more intense orgasms doing that—the feeling spreading throughout my body and coming up through my feet. I find it does take more time, and I have to kind of initially force myself to take the time needed—most of the time I go back to the tried and true, which gets me there faster (Betty talks about how this basically means following a more male pattern of orgasm, overly focused on how fast you get to the orgasm).

The biggest change is adding nipple play, which is interesting since I have always dearly loved my nipples being played with in partner sex. Why I didn’t think of doing it when I was alone beats me! Glad I finally saw the light. I don’t remember when I started doing this. Could have been after my divorce about twenty years ago. The pleasure/pain aspect I added on at about age fifty, eleven to twelve years ago. This would have been around menopause.

When I turned fifty I experimented more because empty-nest had set in and I lived alone, no children, which helped me to feel more free with myself.

I have practiced edging more frequently as the years have gone by, purposefully extending my orgasms to make them more powerful. I also use my Kegels, and have learned to touch in certain ways, in certain places, to make the orgasm longer or more powerful.

Women were kept from masturbating for generations. To masturbate now is the ultimate act of rebellion and expression of freedom. To allow others to tell you not to access your own pleasure, your own power, your own body, is to allow others—not to put too fine a point on it—to manipulate and control you.

If you have to rely on someone else for your pleasure, you are forever in fear of losing that person. That is the definition of being trapped. You are owned when you allow someone that. It is a terrible, terrible place to be in. Your pleasure and your right to pleasure belong to you, and you alone. Anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so only out of fear and a desperate need to control you and your body.

Talking about female masturbation is ultimately about telling the truth. Historically, women’s orgasms were treated as medical issues to be resolved. Many doctors claimed that women didn’t even have orgasms. Here you had all of these women experiencing these feelings and not necessarily knowing what they were, or that their feelings were part of healthy sexual desire and behavior.

A woman who could not orgasm during vaginal intercourse was considered “frigid.” This was a medical diagnosis. The treatment was for a doctor to masturbate her to orgasm—that is, to stimulate her until she came. However, this was not considered orgasm, because the medical establishment did not consider women to be orgasmic. Do you see the circuitousness and insanity of all of this?

Sadly, this continues to be a problem today. I receive so many e-mails and questions from women asking how they can orgasm during vaginal intercourse. The answer is simple—you need clitoral stimulation at the same time. Masturbation is the key to unseating this myth that women should be able to come via vaginal intercourse alone.

Sex is still too commonly defined as a man putting his penis into a woman’s vagina and moving in and out until he ejaculates. This is antiquated and incredibly limiting. Women generally don’t orgasm that way, and holding that as the norm makes normal women feel abnormal and somehow lacking. But they are not lacking—at all. They are normal, and masturbation can show them that.

In The Technology of Orgasm, technology and sexuality historian, writer, and researcher Rachel Maines explains, “It is hardly worth belaboring the point that most men enjoy coitus and that men have been the dominant sex through most of Western history. Yet the fact remains of our normative preference for coitus, in which the constant from Hippocrates to Freud—despite breathtaking changes in nearly every other area of medical thought—is that women who did not reach orgasm by means of penetration alone are sick or defective.”

The only thing about this that I might take issue with is that I think it is worth belaboring the point. That is the point. Men’s desires and definition of sex are still valued over women’s by men, women, and society at large. If we haven’t learned that yet, we need to learn it, and female masturbation the best way to get us there.

How do we start? We have to change women’s attitudes about masturbation by doing these things:

• Talking about it. We have to talk about masturbation. We have to remind one another to do it. We have to joke about it. We have to treat it with the same ease that men do, and with the same ease that we talk about our other self-care, like eating right and exercising. We all do it. And talking about it makes it feel more normal.

• Coming up with new names for it. Not having comfortable language for something makes it that much harder to talk about. This feels like a really big issue when it comes to female masturbation. Calling it that seems so formal, and the expression “self-love” does seem a little woo-woo. And so much of the slang is either goofy or gross. So find language that feels good to you and use it—freely.

• Supporting movies and TV shows and books that talk about it in the positive, normal way that it should be discussed, like Amy Schumer’s skit about going to see Fifty Shades of Grey.

• Doing it. It may seem too simple. But it’s true. Women need to masturbate. And taking the time to take care of yourself in this simple way supports your well-being, and—believe it or not—the well-being of other women, too. By masturbating, you’re saying it’s okay to do it, and you’re helping those women who don’t feel comfortable enough yet to take care of themselves in this super-simple, super-healthy, super-sex-positive way.

• Working towards eliminating body shame. It’s hard to masturbate when you don’t love your body, and it’s hard to love your body when the world spends so much time telling you to be anything and everything other than what you are. So take a media break. Step away from those magazines and Google searches and spend time with other women who love and support you and remind you how amazing you and your body really are!

• Discuss it with male partners and close friends. We have to tell the men in our lives that we masturbate, too, and that it’s as important for us as it is for them. If all they know is what they get from the media, they are going to get the same murky information that we get. But we have the opportunity to tell them the truth. We do it. We love it. We have every right to do it. It means we’re empowered, self-actualized people. It doesn’t mean we’re sluts or weirdos or freaks. It means we’re human, just like them.

• Tell our sons that masturbating is something humans do. Plenty of parents tell their sons about masturbation. But they don’t mention that girls masturbate, too. It’s important to tell them this so that they grow up to be men who see women as sexual equals. It’s about masturbation, but it’s also about more than that—it’s about normalizing real female sexuality.

• Masturbate for and with your male partner. If you have a male partner and you masturbate for and with him, you show him that you’re not ashamed and that you have no reason to be ashamed. If he takes issue with you doing that, it’s important to find out why. It’s likely because he has some unfortunate notions about women and sexuality, and it’s imperative to clear those up. Your body is yours. Period. And masturbating is a vital part of taking care of that body.

But there’s more to the movement. We also have to teach our daughters about masturbation. Female masturbation is really important. It is. It’s not a joke or something to be dismissed. It’s really important for all women, and it’s equally important for teenage girls. It’s vital for them to know their bodies. It’s imperative for them to have a way to relieve stress. But more than anything, it’s paramount that they know they don’t need anyone else to bring them pleasure. They can “take care of business” all by themselves. No risk of pregnancy or disease or slut shaming or anything.

Think about it. If you’re all hot to trot, you make choices based on what your body is craving. But if you can please your body, you can ease your mind. What if teenage girls made decisions about sex not because they wanted to get off, but instead because they wanted to connect emotionally and physically with a partner of their very specific choosing?

I know. I know. It’s often said—despite also often being incredibly untrue and most certainly a dangerous way to look at sex—that boys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love. If it’s love that girls are seeking, no amount of masturbating is going to fix that. But hear me out: If a girl is feeling empowered by being able to pleasure herself, if she is feeling strong and confident and in control of her own body, if her stress level is low and her self-esteem is high, if her serotonin levels are soaring, she’s going to be far less likely to give herself away sexually for acceptance or “love” from a partner, because she already accepts and loves herself.

It also frees girls up to date but take sex out of the equation. Or at least wait until they’re good and ready. I’m the last person on earth who would sing the praises of abstinence. But I would be the first person to hope that every young woman is able to choose a happy, safe, healthy first time when she is ready—emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and otherwise. If masturbating can make it easier for girls to wait, then why wouldn’t we sing the praises of—as I like to call it—“taking care of business”?

And if we teach our sons—and stress to our teenage boys—that girls like to masturbate, just like they do, then we teach them that girls don’t need them for sexual release. They may well want boys. But they don’t need them. The only thing girls need is themselves. Girls are whole sexual beings on their own, and girls and boys are sexual equals. That is an absolute truth to which there is no counter, no argument other than misogyny, fear, or self-loathing.

Masturbation is a powerful thing. No other tool is so easily accessible to so many people with virtually no limitations on who can do it or when or how or how much benefit can be derived from it.

Imagine a world full of humans who understand that they and they alone are responsible for their own pleasure, and that sharing that pleasure with someone is about intimacy and trust and sexual exploration—not just a simple need for sexual release. This is like a dream to me. It levels the playing field. It puts sex in its proper place. And it sets the stage for healthy, happy, mutually satisfying, egalitarian sexual relationships, the likes of which we have never seen before.