Emily had put on a brave face with Kevin, determined to give him time to think about what she’d told him. Though she hadn’t made a final decision about adopting Ricky, she knew Katarina was right: Emily could never settle for less.
Kevin was given permission by his doctor to resume working. As indecisive as a child in a candy store, he didn’t know what he wanted to do first. Emily traded her on-call schedule with Dr. Roberts, which would give her two weeks off while Ricky was visiting.
Between their two schedules, the only meal they managed together was Friday. Emily picked up burgers for herself, Kevin and Alex, and came along when they drove to Denver to trade a door of the wrong size that had been mistakenly delivered. When they returned, Kevin and Alex were determined to install it before forecasted thunderstorms made another mess of a deadline.
The next morning, Emily and Katarina went to Wyoming to bring Ricky for his visit. Emily was astonished by the joy that consumed her when she wrapped her arms around him and felt the strength of his embrace.
They spent the afternoon with his grandparents, then stuffed as many of Ricky’s belongings in the trunk as would fit.
It was late when they pulled into Emily’s driveway and unloaded. Ricky had taken a nap as they drove and wasn’t ready for bed until after ten. He ran into “his” room, and up and down the stairs, despite reminders not to run in the house.
When she and Kevin finally had a chance to talk in private, it was nearly midnight. Kevin suggested they take Ricky for lunch at the local pizza parlor the next day after they went to church.
Emily tried to hide her surprise, and agreed immediately, trying to leave His work in His hands. She woke several times in the night, sure she’d heard Ricky, only to find the little boy sound asleep.
The sermon that day was based upon a verse from the New Testament in which Paul prayed for sinners to turn away from darkness in order to receive the freedom of forgiveness and enable them to see the riches God promises for their future.
As they were leaving the sanctuary, Ricky ran to greet his friends, and Emily and Kevin made their way to the doorway where Pastor Mike was waiting. Emily reached out her hand to shake his, and was surprised when Kevin lifted her left hand to show Mike the engagement ring. Still unsure whether Kevin had made a decision about having a family, she had been hesitant to make any announcements.
Kevin’s voice was deep and matter-of-fact. “We need to set up a time to visit, Mike.”
Mike smiled, a knowing look of confidence on his face. “Call me this afternoon, and we’ll set up an appointment.” He looked at Emily and winked. “I see Ricky’s here.”
She hoped Kevin missed the question in Mike’s remark.
“He’s here for a visit. His grandparents need a break.”
The pastor’s smile gave her courage to hope. “I see.”
When Laura and Bryan rushed up to her, she realized everyone already knew about her tentative engagement.
After Sunday school, Kevin took them home to change; then they went for lunch. Ricky was a chatterbox. It took nearly an hour for them to get him to eat. Before leaving, they let Ricky play games and ride the kiddie rides until well past his quiet time.
Once they were home again, Emily read a story to Ricky and left him to rest. “Katarina will be here with you. Kevin and I need to run some errands.”
“Okay. Bye.” The look of trust in his eyes was something Emily would never take for granted. His blond hair was the same color as Kevin’s, and she could almost imagine he was their natural son.
Emily descended the stairs, mentally preparing herself for a difficult conversation. Katarina and Kevin were joking around together, and Emily had to interrupt. “Kat, could you keep an eye on Ricky? We need to get out for a while.”
Kevin’s smile softened her nervousness momentarily. As soon as they were alone in his truck, however, it started again.
“This is a pleasant surprise. I thought you’d want to stay home with Ricky this afternoon.” He paused, then leaned back and started the engine. “Where are we going?”
“I don’t care.” She smiled, though panic was building inside her. “We need to talk.”
“About what now?” He turned off Main Street, across town, and headed up the hill to his house. The clouds rolled in, making the skies dark and dreary.
“Your telling Pastor Mike that we need to set up an appointment, for one thing.”
Kevin ran his hand over his chin. “Isn’t that the usual step after getting engaged?”
The pickup lumbered up the curb and to a stop in his driveway as drizzle clouded the windows. Kevin shifted into Park and looked at her impatiently. He motioned toward the house. “Do you want to go inside?”
The more distance there was between them, the easier it would be to ask all the questions she’d avoided asking, and the ones he’d carefully avoided bringing to her attention, as well. She shook her head. “This is fine.”
“I need to know everything, Kevin. Why you wouldn’t come to Maryland with me, why you never married, why you don’t want children. Why you haven’t told me once that you love me.”
“What brought this on?” he mumbled.
“We broke through to the next level of commitment last weekend, but there’s one issue you seem to have forgotten. I want a family, and love, and you. I’ve waited a long, long time, Kevin. I need to know exactly what it is that’s standing in our way.”
Kevin was a complex, sensitive man, and she could feel the pain his recollection of the past eight years revealed. Holding nothing back, he shared the roller coaster of family joys and sorrows all over again—his father’s death, his sister having and losing her child, having to close the doors of his father’s business. She respected him all the more for his honesty.
Emily was filled with guilt. All these years, she’d thought Kevin had selfishly walked away. She’d thought he’d abandoned her. She couldn’t have been more wrong. Yet still, she felt betrayed. He hadn’t trusted her, hadn’t let her share his pain. And that confirmed he hadn’t been ready for sharing good times and bad.
“You didn’t even tell me your dad was sick before the engagement, Kevin!”
He looked at her, tears hiding in the corners of his eyes. “Mom and Dad asked me to wait until after we returned from our honeymoon. They didn’t want anything to ruin the wedding for us.”
Emily swallowed, grimacing as tears fell. “I wouldn’t have left you to handle that alone.”
“Why do you think I didn’t tell you? I couldn’t promise you a degree. I couldn’t give you what Johns Hopkins could. I couldn’t take your dreams away. And even now, after seeing what losing baby Lexie did to Kirk and Elizabeth, I just don’t know if I can take the chance of losing a child.” He reached out and took hold of her hand, pulling her across the seat.
She let out a deep sob and raised her fists, pounding softly against Kevin’s solid chest as he pulled her into his embrace. “How dare you, Kevin?” She wept, not only for her own loss, but for what it had cost Kevin, as well. “How dare you?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Kevin tenderly brushed the hair from her face. “I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t want to take all your dreams away.”
“You did cost me my dreams, you fool! All these years, we could have been together. We could have been sharing the good and bad, Kevin. Isn’t that what you told me? Marriage is a fifty-fifty agreement?” Emily wondered if there was any hope for them to live happily ever after. If anything, they were even more independent than they had been then. “I still want those dreams, Kevin,” she whispered.
Her face was tucked against Kevin’s neck, and she felt him swallow. A deep sigh was followed by a ragged heave. “I wish I could give them back, Emmy. Truly I do. I thought maybe being together would be enough.”
“You can, Kevin. You changed your mind about marriage….”
Emily felt him shake his head. “I don’t think so.”
She pulled away and looked him in the eye. “Why?”
“I thought it would be enough to have each other. I hoped I could at least be the man of your dreams in one respect. But a child is so helpless…. You deserve better.”
She laughed bitterly, searching frantically for a tissue to dry her tears. “How could I ask for better than a man who selflessly put my dreams ahead of his own? Who respected his parents’ needs over his own desires? Who will take time for a hurting little boy! Who is so afraid of hurting me again that he’s choosing not to love?” Tears blinded her and choked her voice. “Tell me you don’t love me anymore, Kevin.”
He backed away. Emily turned his jaw, forcing him to look at her. Silently she pleaded with him. As each moment of silence passed, her hope faded a little more.
“Say it—‘I don’t love you, Emily… I can’t ever love you, Emily.’ Say it. Once and for all, set me free, if that’s what you want!”
“You’re a doctor,” he whispered. “Surely you know how to fix a broken heart.”
Emily was filled with inadequacy. There was a long, brittle silence between them. “God gave me a lot of knowledge, Kevin, but this wasn’t in any textbook I ever read.” She hugged him close. “I can give you my love. I can tell you that whatever it is you think I can’t deal with, we can. I can tell you that if you want it badly enough, God is waiting to take your pain away.”
Kevin’s eyes misted, like the drizzling rain outside. Emily knew she had reached the true crux of his battle. Please, God, give me the words to comfort him. I need him. Ricky needs him. And he needs You so badly.
“It’s just not that easy, Emmy.”
Emily reached her arm behind him, the confines of the truck making it awkward to hold him. “Let’s go outside.”
They walked to the ivy-covered gazebo in the backyard and sat down on the porch swing. Emily watched the rain fall as she coaxed Kevin to dig deeper. Finally, he admitted that he had lashed out in anger at God for allowing the doctors to give his father false hope, and for taking a tiny baby away, tearing apart his sister’s marriage. “I turned to the only comfort I could without risking losing my heart again. So you see, Em, even though I’d like to be the man you fell in love with, I can’t go back.”
Emily had to admit to feeling a twinge of jealousy after Kevin’s admission, yet quickly forced the negative emotion away. He wasn’t giving himself credit for turning away from the temptations that had led him so far from Christ.
“Look at those leaves, Kevin. Every day wind and dirt gather on them, just like humans who can’t stop sinning. Yet just as easily as that rain washes the dirt away, Christ died on the cross to free us from sin. You’re no different from anyone else, in that respect. It’s human nature.”
“There are always going to be reminders, Emily.”
“Only if you let there be. If God doesn’t keep tally of our sins, who are we to keep a list? If you’ve handed them to God, they’re gone. I don’t care what happened before we met again—just so’s it’s only me now.”
“I couldn’t bear to hurt you again, Emily.”
“I can’t bear another day without you in it. You were my first and only love, Kevin. I want to marry you, to have your children, to be there on good days and bad ones.”
“Which is exactly why you deserve better than what I can give you now. Our careers barely leave time for ourselves. We’ve already seen that. How can we fit each other, let alone a family, into this craziness?” Kevin stood, pushing the swing into frantic motion.
Emily stopped the swing and followed him to the arched opening in the gazebo, where she smelled the sweet hint of lilacs already in bloom. She took hold of his arm and leaned her head on his shoulder. It was time to tell him about Ricky. About her decision to become the little boy’s mother.
She couldn’t allow Kevin to commit to her without understanding that she absolutely refused to give up her complete set of dreams. If he wanted her, he had to accept her—and Ricky. She felt the tears sting her eyes. It wasn’t the way she had expected to become a mother, but He had given her a child nonetheless, and she wouldn’t walk away from Ricky any more than she would walk away from Kevin.
Kevin turned to face Emily and buried his face in her hair. His hands moved gently to embrace her.
She had to tell him, before…
Her misgivings increased by the second. What if he said no? Could she survive his walking away again? “Kevin—”
“You’re right, Emmy. I’ve never stopped loving you. I always will.” His words were a bridge that she hoped would continue to build as he allowed God to heal his pain.
She looked into his eyes and drowned in the truth. He loved her. Always had. Always would? She blinked, feeling light-headed.
Emily forced her gaze to lock with his. “Wait. Please. Don’t say anything more.”
Kevin laughed. “Now that’s just like a woman to change her mind. I thought this is what you wanted. You and me forever, just the way it should have been eight years ago.”
Emily tore herself from his embrace. “Listen to me. I’m going to be a mother.” A sudden icy contempt flashed in his eyes.
“A what?”
“I’m going to have a child. A son, actually.”
“All this talk of a future, of love, of acceptance, and lies and repentance, and you somehow managed to forget to mention you’re pregnant?”
She reached for him, and he backed away. “It’s not what you think.”
Emily was going to be a mother?
Kevin felt his chest tighten. A baby. He dragged in a deep breath, choking on the heavy scent of spring. Flowers and rain, and love. He looked for an escape from this cage.
“How—” His voice caught. He didn’t really want to know any more. Didn’t want to have to walk away. Didn’t want to see the pain in Emily’s green eyes when he broke her heart again. His voice caught, as he tried to recall the information she’d told him. His eyes roamed over her slender figure.
She placed a hand on her stomach and shook her head. “It’s Ricky.”
“Whoa, Em. You said his parents died—” he paused to think “—and that he was only visiting.”
Emily nodded, her red hair bouncing with the slight movement. “His grandparents can’t care for him full-time. They didn’t want him in limbo any longer. I tried to put it off, but inside I knew they were right. It was time to decide—either I adopt him, or find him another family who could give him a permanent home.” She paused. “When I got there to pick him up, I knew.”
“And why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because my love for Ricky will matter in his life. It isn’t something I can turn away from any more than if I’d carried him in my own womb. I can’t explain it, Kevin. I just know that God brought Ricky to me for a reason.” She spoke with bitterness. “I guess I kept hoping you would tell me you were ready to make all of our dreams come true. You, me, happily ever after, kids, dogs—all of those things that turn a house into a home. I want it all, Kevin. For once in my life, I thought there was a chance to—” Emily’s voice broke, and he felt a knot in his own throat, as well. “If you remember, you were the one who wanted a house full of children.”
He couldn’t look at her. “I was young and idealistic.”
There was a long painful silence, and Emily turned, tipping her head up as if to question God Himself. “I guess we both were, then, because I believed in those dreams. And I’m tired of waiting for someone else to make them come true.” Her voice was edged with confidence and determination. “I guess the only other question I have for you is, Will the man of my dreams be able to make the rest of my dreams come true?”