1 Is Robin going to have to slap a Batman? In Batman #3, Batman becomes hypnotized, and Robin knows just what to do.
The sight of Robin dropping Batman with one punch? Hilarious.
2 Surgery made simple. In Batman #11, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are on vacation in Florida when they stumble across a crooked gambling operation run by the Penguin and three new associates. One of the gang is a beautiful singer (the Canary) who performs in the casino’s nightclub. After Batman saves her life, she warns him of an attack planned on him, but it’s too late. Not only does Batman get shot, but the poor guy gets trapped in a hurricane. Needless to say, Batman is in baaaad shape, and all of the hospitals are too full to heal this superhero. Luckily, Canary once worked as a doctor’s assistant, so she successfully performs a (very advanced) surgery on Batman! She is inspired enough to leave the world of crime to become a Red Cross nurse.
3 Batman on speed. In Batman #10, it is Dick’s birthday and yet it is Bruce who is hyperactive as he wakes Dick, gives him birthday spanks, shows him his cake, then takes him to see his present—all in a matter of seconds.
4 Remember, kids, lobotomies are always the answer! In Batman #2, Batman discovers that the Joker escaped his apparent death in Batman #1 and is being kept under armed guard at a hospital. He sets off to do something about this and comes up with an excellent strategy: “My plan is to abduct the Joker from the hospital before he becomes strong and wily enough to slip through the hands of the police. Then we’ll take him to a famous brain specialist for an operation, so that he can be cured and turned into a valuable citizen.” So you’re going to break in, kidnap a guy, and then give him a lobotomy? That’s your plan? Good luck with that, Batman!
5 In the Golden Age, this was all quite routine. In Batman #19, Batman and Robin discover that the Nazis have uncovered the lost city of Atlantis and are now using it as a submarine base. That is amazing in and of itself, but the writers couldn’t just stop there! No, the king of Atlantis is a boy who looks just like Robin, to the point that Robin is able to impersonate him to save Batman’s life. Remember, comic books teach us that you will meet your exact double at least once a week!
6 This is a weird time for a demonstration, Batman. In Batman #1, Batman and Robin board a yacht to stop some crooks. For some reason, even though Batman knows there’s a jewel thief on the boat, he decides to take some time to demonstrate to readers about how cowardly bad guys are! After a couple of pages of Robin beating the bejeesus out of the crooks, Batman turns to the reader and states: “Well, kids, there’s your proof! Crooks are yellow without their guns! Don’t go around admiring them…rather do your best in fighting them and all their kind!” Then they end this PSA about bad behavior and go about, you know, actually stopping the jewel thief they went there to catch.
7 Don’t turn this Bat-Plane into a den of lies! In Batman #10, Batman and Robin are flying in the Bat-Plane when they get lost in a storm. They end up flying by an island and Robin sees what he thinks is a dinosaur. Batman replies, “Don’t get gay! You know as well as I do dinosaurs lived millions of years ago! Give me those glasses!” After they land and are walking through the jungle, Robin again insists that he saw a dinosaur. While he tells Batman this, he slips on a log and falls down. Batman retorts, “A dinosaur in the twentieth century! See what you get for telling lies!” Yes, Robin, see what you get? Of course, Robin is basically correct (there are dinosaurs there, but they are mechanical ones for a movie being filmed on the island). Batman never admits he was wrong, of course.
8 Not now, Robin, my stories are on! In Batman #1, the Joker makes his debut killing a rich Gotham citizen and stealing his expensive diamond. When news of the murder and theft air over the radio, Dick and Bruce are sitting in the parlor reading. Dick says, “But Bruce, why don’t we take a shot at this Joker guy?” And Bruce replies: “Not yet, Dick. The time isn’t ripe.” What do you mean the time isn’t ripe? The guy just murdered someone. I suppose Batman doesn’t even get out of bed in the morning unless the body count is in the double digits.
9 Batman sure is smooth with the ladies. In Batman #1, Batman captures a jewel thief in disguise as an old woman. In order to find out her true identity (the Cat, later known as the infamous Catwoman), he orders the thief to remove her old woman makeup. She struggles in Batman’s grasp, but he is firm and he lets her know what will happen if she doesn’t reveal her true self.
Papa spank, indeed, Batman. Papa spank, indeed.