ZEB WELLS
Peter David took over the writing duties on The Incredible Hulk with issue #328, and I took over reading duties with issue #357. Upon reporting for said duty I was surprised to find that the Hulk was gray, a dick, and the best comic book character ever written. The rest of my summer was spent tracking down every appearance of the gray Hulk that Peter David had written. I became so obsessed that I asked my eighth grade English teacher if I could do a report about him in front of the class. No report in front of the class was being asked for, mind you—I wanted her to take time out of her lesson plan so I could talk to her class about the Hulk. She chuckled nervously, I got the hint, and we both pretended it never happened. Now, twenty years later, when all learning is done by way of lists, I present my favorite gray Hulk moments of Peter David’s genius run.
1 Incredible Hulk #333, “Quality of Life.” When this new improved Hulk leaps into a small town to avoid the authorities at the beginning of this issue, we’re still learning what he’s all about. But Mr. David rings the school bell and teaches us exactly what we’re dealing with when the Hulk drinks an entire liquor store just to ruin his alter ego’s day. Let’s see puny Banner call the feds with a level ten hangover. But we also see his heroic side when the Hulk turns the tables on a wife-beating sheriff. He’s a dick who targets other dicks! The Dexter of dicks! Of course, when the abused wife accidentally shoots her husband in the stomach, the Hulk comforts her by laughing in her face, but I never said he was marriage material.
2 Incredible Hulk #339, “Native Son.” Probably not father material, either. In this issue, the Hulk travels across country with a merry band of rogue government agents. When he’s accused of eating through their food budget, he happily offers to knock over as many convenience stores as necessary to finance their endless summer. I can’t overstate how cool I thought this was when I was thirteen. Then we meet a young boy with laser hands and his father, a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and first recipient of the innovative “Hulk handshake” (i.e., Hulk takes his gun away by breaking all of his fingers around said gun). When the boy shows concern for his father’s maiming, the Hulk, as is his custom, starts cracking jokes. The kid blasts him through a wall and in a classic “That’s our Hulk” moment, the gray one declares that he plans on murdering the boy. What’s so badass about Peter David is that he brought Hulk to a place where this was absolutely possible. Luckily (for the boy, not readers), the Hulk is reminded of his own childhood abuse and decides he’ll be the kid’s “big brother” instead. Cooler heads prevail, but the Hulk doesn’t leave without threatening to level the town if the kid’s dad doesn’t give him what he wants. I’m sure that didn’t create the world’s most spoiled brat.
3 Incredible Hulk #340, “Vicious Circle.” In some cultures, boys have to read this issue ten times before they can call themselves a man. McFarlane. David. Hulk. Wolverine. How do you write an adventure starring Marvel Comics’ two walking bad attitudes? You don’t, rookie, you write a massacre where they hack and rend at each other for twenty-two pages. What’s genius about this issue is that Wolverine keeps trying to end the fight, but Hulk just won’t let it go. Let me run that by you again…Wolverine has to be the reasonable one. Now I can write whatever I want because you’re just staring off into space trying to wrap your mind around what you just read. Good luck.
4 Incredible Hulk #347–358, “Mr. Fixit.” This is the Hulk I fell in love with. You like blue pinstripes and fedoras? Well, guess what, the Hulk doesn’t care because that’s how he gets his Mr. Fixit on. That’s the name of his no-nonsense (or any sense, really) Las Vegas alter ego. A bouncer at a swank casino who just wants to retire from the grind and live it up for a while. Gray Hulk looks better in a fedora than Humphrey Bogart, and I’ll fight any woman or child who says different. If his boss hadn’t fired him after eleven issues, The Incredible Hulk would be outselling Harry Potter right now, it was that good. I’m surprised a fascist dictator hasn’t kidnapped Peter David and forced him to continue Mr. Fixit’s adventures.
5 Incredible Hulk #373, “Mending Fences.” The gray Hulk’s days were numbered at this point. The green Hulk had made his return and we all knew ol’ “Mr. Fixit’s” days were numbered. Let’s not talk about that, though. Let’s talk about the last page of this issue, when the gray Hulk straight runs game on Banner’s wife. After protecting Betty Ross from the U.S. Army in an impressive show of force (i.e., pretending to be blinded by a grenade long enough to get some sucker punches in. My boy!), the Hulk delivers her safely to a rooftop. There she says thanks by suggesting that they should all join a support group for people dealing with gamma radiation mutations. The Hulk blows her off with an impression of what such a group would be like, which melts her like a stick of the Abomination’s face. I mean, this woman’s just come from a monastery and he’s got her doubled over laughing. How is she not in love with this guy?! Come on, if she’s not going to marry him, I will. And I mean that. I will be marrying him if I’m ever allowed to write The Incredible Hulk.
Zeb Wells is an Emmy Award– and Annie Award–winning writer and actor for the TV show Robot Chicken, including the Emmy-nominated Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II. He has written a number of series for Marvel Comics, including The Amazing Spider-Man. He recently launched an ongoing Spider-Man spin-off called Avenging Spider-Man, with artist Joe Madureira.