33. Playlist for a Loser

The week crawls by.

Jocelyn remains a stranger despite several attempts to speak with her.

Every day repeats the same track listing.

There’s side one, since this obviously must be a record I found in my uncle’s cabin:

1. “SHIP OF FOOLS” BY DOVES (FOR THE BUS RIDE)

2. “LOSING TOUCH” BY THE KILLERS (FOR EVERYTHING BEFORE SECOND PERIOD)

3. “SOMETHING” BY THE BEATLES (FOR ENGLISH CLASS)

4: “DID YOU EVER & DO YOU STILL” BY SEAN TORRENT (FOR AFTER ENGLISH)

5. “SHUT YOUR EYES” BY SNOW PATROL (THE NEXT COUPLE OF HOURS)

6. “SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD” BY MOBY (FOR LUNCH WITH NEWT BECAUSE HE SORTA REMINDS ME OF MOBY)

Then side two:

7. “INVISIBLE SUN” BY THE POLICE (AFTER LUNCH)

8. “HEARTLESS” BY KANYE WEST (AMERICAN HISTORY)

9. “LAST GOODBYE” (JEFF BUCKLEY) (TRYING TO TALK AFTER HISTORY)

10. “DRIVEAWAY” BY GREAT NORTHERN (FOR THE BUS RIDE AFTER SCHOOL)

11. “GO IT ALONE” BY BECK (GETTING HOME)

12. “UNTIL THE NIGHT IS OVER” BY M83 (FOR EVERYTHING AFTER SUNSET)

She’s built a wall, and there’s no ladder around to climb up over it.

I had one chance, and I blew it.

The week is a blur.

A nightmarish blur.

The worst thing in the world is the silence. The stares, the secrets, the solitude.

I’d rather be chased by a rabid dog in the middle of the night than ignored and left alone.

At least Mom gets a job as a hostess at the local family restaurant in town.

At least I have Newt to eat my food at lunch and swap witty comments with at the locker.

I’m stranded and marooned like Robinson Crusoe. The rest of the school is made of savages. Newt is my Friday.

The guys back at the old school would laugh if they could hear me. But then again, so would anybody else. That’s okay. My thoughts are sealed up. There’s nobody to listen to them anyway.

As Friday begins to fade away, I am approached by Ray the Politician. That’s what I’m starting to call him, at least to myself. My friends and I used to always have names for other kids. Perhaps this is payback.

My name is Loser, and I’m wearing it proudly.

“Hey, Chris, here’s that program I told you about,” he says, handing me a colored flyer from his church.

“Thanks.”

What else can I say?

“There are two services on Sunday. You guys should check it out.”

“Sure.”

At this point I’m willing to try anything.