40. Twenty-Five Percent Change

If it worked for Rachel, it could work for me, too.

It blew up in her face (mine too), but still it worked.

So in the middle of the following week, nine days after the party (but who’s counting?), I decide to write Jocelyn a letter.

I’d email her if I had an Internet connection. Maybe I’d get lucky and be able to chat with her online.

I’d text her if I hadn’t broken my cell phone before leaving Chicago. Maybe she’d text me back, and that would break down the walls she’s been building.

But instead of doing normal things that normal teens do, I have to get out a pen and paper and start writing.

JOCELYN:

PLEASE READ THIS.

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO GET TWO MINUTES OF CONVERSATION WITH YOU SINCE THE NIGHT OF THE PARTY.

I NEED TO EXPLAIN THINGS.

I’M USED TO HEARING ABOUT “THOSE GUYS.” SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN “THOSE GUYS.” THE ONES THAT WANT ONLY ONE THING FROM A GIRL AND THEY GET IT. I’VE SEEN GUYS TREAT GIRLS PRETTY BAD, AND I HAVE ALWAYS PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN’T BE ONE OF THOSE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW—I WAS SCARED. I WASN’T SURE WHAT WAS HAPPENING, AND I INSTANTLY THOUGHT OF WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULDN’T DO. I’D LIKE TO SAY I WAS BEING A GENTLEMAN, BUT TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I WAS SCARED. THAT’S PUTTING IT MILDLY. I JUST NEVER EXPECTED THINGS TO GO THERE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I’VE NEVER MET A GIRL LIKE YOU. EVER. SINCE THE MOMENT YOU WALKED UP TO ME WITH RACHEL AND POE THAT FIRST DAY, I BEGAN TO THINK THIS. BUT THERE’S SOMETHING MORE.

EVER SINCE SEEING YOU WITH YOUR STEP-UNCLE—I JUST GOT THIS CRAZY URGE INSIDE OF ME. TO NOT BE ONE OF “THOSE GUYS.” INTERESTED IN ONLY ONE THING.

I THOUGHT I’D BE LETTING YOU DOWN IF I GAVE IN TO THAT.

IT’S SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

WHEN I SAW YOU WITH YOUR STEP-UNCLE AND I SAW THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE—MAYBE I’M CRAZY, I DON’T KNOW—BUT I HAD THIS URGE TO PROTECT YOU.

IS THAT INSANE?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

I JUST WANT A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW WHAT’S BEHIND THAT LOOK, AND WHAT’S BEHIND THAT HEART-STOPPING BEAUTY THAT WALKS PAST ME ON A DAILY BASIS.

THESE AREN’T LINES—THEY’RE NOT ORIGINAL, BUT THEY’RE TRUE, AND THEY’RE EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING AND FEELING.

I JUST WANT A CHANCE TO KEEP GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY AROUND HERE—INCLUDING YOU—WANTS ME TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU.

BUT THE ONLY THING THAT HELPS ME MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY AT THIS SCHOOL IS THE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU.

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME, JOCELYN. THAT’S ALL I ASK.

CHRIS

I put the letter back in my notebook and don’t reread it.

I have a feeling that if I do, I’ll tear it up.

I give myself a twenty-five percent chance of giving the letter to Jocelyn.

That percentage will probably go down by the time the sun rises tomorrow.