46. In Rainbows

Sometimes the moments crawl by like a centipede. And sometimes they slip away like a plume of smoke. January turns to February, and I barely seem to notice. I stay busy, with the hour of detention every day after school ending at the start of February. Coach Brinks seems to think that I should be forced to run harder since I’ve been missing some of practice. Between studying and track and work on Saturdays at the Crag’s Inn, I’m exhausted all the time.

I’m staying under the radar. No new notes visit my locker. Newt doesn’t have any discoveries for me. He seems to have given up on the zip drive.

Time moves so quickly that I’m surprised to discover it’s Valentine’s Day. How could I totally forget a holiday like this one, even if some candy company and card company created it?

How can I be such a loser to have nobody to even give a card to, much less to give me one?

Everything’s been going fine, but this is like the car hitting a deep pothole in the middle of the dirt road. The alignment seems to go out of whack, and I realize that I’ve been coasting and forgetting.

But not today.

Not on Valentine’s Day.

During art I completely ignore Kelsey. We’ve continued our nice little banter every period, but suddenly I feel a cloud over my head and my soul. I feel empty and I feel afraid. I feel all these things and I can’t begin to tell her. Nor can I play her little games today. I’m not interested, so why bother?

So I shut her down the first few times she tries to talk. Then we just work in silence.

There’s a part of me that would normally make amends, but not today.

I’m feeling off base, like screaming is going on inside my head and I need to get out of here.

I glance at Kelsey’s eyes behind her glasses, but she deliberately doesn’t look my way. Her normally cheery face has a shadow over it.

Happy now, Chris? Happy now that you’ve infected even those who seem uninfectable?

When the bell rings, she gets her things together, then she turns to me like a robot and hands me a card. “I got it, so I figure I might as well give it to you. But I know you’ll think it’s stupid. Whatever.”

She forces a card into my hand and then dashes away. It’s not that dramatic, but still.

Valentine’s Day. Of course she’d get me a card. Could it be any more obvious?

I feel like a tool.

I’m left alone in the classroom and open the card. It shows a girl standing on a palette of colors, like a messy rainbow or something. Her hair is flying out like she’s being struck by lightning, and she has an expression on her face like she’s laughing in a delirious way. 

I open the card.

Every color is just a bit brighter when you’re around.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Kelsey

This is pretty much a perfect card.

The colors are just like the kind we paint every day.

I can’t believe she got this for me. Then I think of what she said and how she walked off. I slip the card into my notebook.

I haven’t had someone notice me like this since—

Since the world brightened to a point where it couldn’t brighten anymore.

Since the world had a blackout.

I know I should go find Kelsey and apologize for being rude.

But I can’t. I can’t and I won’t.

There are things I need to do. Things I need to do today.

And there are many other people that Kelsey can and should be around. Not me.

It can’t and it won’t be me.