As if seeing Pastor Jeremiah Marsh put a hex onto my summer, everything suddenly seems to turn gray and stale.
The weather shifts from blue skies to dark overcast and thunderstorms.
Mr. Taggart seems to shift too. He seems to realize suddenly that his life hasn’t worked out the way it should, and he decides to take it out on us. Not with homework or anything like that, but by being irritable and coming down on everybody for random things like taking too long of a break or not paying attention or wearing something “inappropriate.” Brick gets the worst of it, but then again it seems like Brick doesn’t really care.
I find myself alone on one side of the room. Harris moved over to where Lily is sitting. Now the closest person to me is Gin, and she’s several rows back and probably doesn’t know that regular school is over and this is summer school.
Things get even better when I overhear that Roger is going out with Lily on Friday night. And I hear about a July Fourth party tomorrow. Neither of which I’m invited to. It’s not like I should be surprised or jealous or anything. My one big chance consisted of her driving me home on my bike.
Yeah, nothing says love like drunken stupor. Right, Mom?
Mom misses a couple of days of work, but I’m just ignoring her like the tunnels I found underneath the cabin. I know they’re down there, but I’m ignoring them.
Everything suddenly seems darker and meaner, and it all starts to come back.
The bitter taste.
The bitter feelings.
My anger and hurt and frustration.
Midway through Friday’s class, I’m sitting in my old seat behind Roger and Shawn. I see Roger texting Lily and the rest of the students looking bored and oblivious. Meanwhile the creepy pastor’s voice continues to go off in my head.
See what you can become. See the person you can be.
All my heart desires.
Yeah, right.
Sounds like an invitation to join the army. To be in Marsh’s legion of doom.
In the shadows of this room, while Mr. Taggart does a horrific job of trying to explain algebra to us, I look over at Lily.
She’s in this sleeveless light blue dress that has a slight band at the waist and stops a few inches above her knees. It’s the perfect dress for a girl like her to wear while frolicking in a field. I’m not sure exactly what frolic means, but I think it has Lily’s face and body beside the definition. Maybe this is the dress Lily will wear while she frolics around with Roger.
Then again, my mind imagines that she’ll dress up for tonight. The frolicking girl will become the wild girl, the sexy girl.
She’s really truly oblivious to the guy sitting a few chairs back and a few rows over.
Yeah, that would be me.
And as I think of Lily, I can hear what Marsh said to me. About having anything my heart desires.
Yeah, sure. That’s what I want.
But it’s not just Lily.
It’s the idea of Lily and me.
It’s the notion that I am the kind of guy who lives in Lily’s world. That I can be someone who just goes up to her and talks and we hit it off.
Lily is in a different world and a different league. And yeah, maybe it’s that world and league I want to be a part of.
Maybe I know that a girl like her is never going to be into a guy like me.
Kinda like Jocelyn?
But I shove the thought away. Jocelyn was different.
What about Poe? What about Kelsey?
These thoughts only make me angrier. Poe moved away, and Kelsey is out of town. And in either case, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
And it would with Lily?
I shake my head.
I don’t want something serious, something real.
What I want is the fantasy—something that won’t end in heartbreak and tragedy.
I just want something that will feel good.
And that will make me forget about all the other things that are so stinking bad.