My birthday in August comes and goes without much of anything.
So uneventful.
I was hoping that someone besides Mom would know and celebrate. But then again, there aren’t too many people out there to celebrate with. I’ve ignored calls and texts from Lily, and maybe I shouldn’t but I’m just tired of the confusion and the lies and the mysteries. So very tired. Mom tries by giving me a few gifts (including a gas card, which I’ve desperately needed), but it doesn’t help me escape the monotony of everything else.
Not even a call from Dad. Not that I wanted one, but still.
Poe—well, she’s long gone and has no idea it was my birthday. The kids in my second summer school session—I haven’t gotten to know any of them, and they seem content not getting to know or even interact with me.
Ho hum.
On a whim, I decide to open the letter that Kelsey sent me. I feel like hearing from someone, anyone, now that I’m officially seventeen.
I open the letter and see a simple note. Short and sweet.
Hi Chris.
All flowers in time bend toward the sun.
Kelsey
I read and reread the note and try to make sense of what she’s saying.
Okay??
Then I shake my head.
This was why I didn’t open this letter. Some other mystery. Some other random mysterious message that I don’t get. I’m tired of not getting. Tired of not understanding.
I fold up the letter and put it back in the envelope.
Not much later, I slam the phone down and curse at my weakness.
I’m not a chosen anything.
I’m not a special anybody.
I actually seriously almost dialed all the numbers belonging to my dad’s new place. I got the number from my mom’s purse after searching long and hard the other day. I scribbled them down with the full intent to call him with an SOS, whatever that might look like. I figure that just my calling and saying that we needed help would be enough, but then again who knows. Maybe he’s got a twenty-four-year-old girlfriend who believes in God too, and they’re going to get busy populating the world with godly children.
I go upstairs and search through records and find the one with a cover that Mom surely wouldn’t like. I’ve heard of Jane’s Addiction before but never really listened to them. I put on the record and listen. Mom is gone—when is she not gone? She could be here inside this house and she’d be gone—she could have headphones on and waving hello at me and she’d still be gone. It doesn’t matter.
I crank up the stereo. The loudest I’ve ever had it. The room and the bed and the floor vibrate.
The album is called Nothing’s Shocking. Is that not just so utterly and wonderfully fitting?
The songs are loud and wild, and I like the fact that they’re kinda crazy, but I don’t like any of them, not really, not until the laid-back song called “Summertime Rolls.”
It starts off moody and drifting and sorta sums up how I feel. Spiraling and circling this house like a vulture in need of something but unable to find what it needs. The cloud of smoke drifting upward higher and higher.
It’s stoner music, and I maybe should give Roger or Brick a call. But that’s not my thing. I could invade Mom’s liquor stash—oh, I know, Mom, you think I don’t know about it—but I don’t because that’s not my thing either.
Instead, I dream of dancing with Lily to this song, her arms wrapped around mine, her eyes on me, her smile welcoming me.
“Me and my girlfriend,” the singer sings, and that’s what I want.
“She loves me, I mean it’s serious,” he sings, and that’s what I need.
Right now.
I don’t need to figure out the rest of the world and whether we go somewhere else after we die. I don’t need to know about the spirits circling above and the tunnels dug underneath. I don’t give a rip about any of that. I just care that it’s summertime and that it’s rolling and that the days just pass without all those dark omens beating me over the head and heart.
I want summertime to keep rolling.
To keep rolling.
And for me not to feel bad. Or fear the bad. Or think bad thoughts.
I need Lily.
Whatever this singer is talking about—that’s what I want. Crazy passion.
So so serious.
“As serious can be.”
I finally give in and text.
LILY HELP ME. COME BACK TO ME. I NEED YOU. I NEED SOMEONE.
But she ignores me like I’ve ignored her.