“Why have you been ignoring me today?”
It’s Friday and I’m tired. Somewhere in between Marsh and Lily is a thing called biology, which just makes my brain hurt. The teacher is a drill sergeant and has no idea all the stuff I’m going through. I’m supposed to do homework in an empty home that I keep inviting Lily to. In an empty cabin that’s continuing to be visited by ghosts.
Do I believe in ghosts?
Yep.
So I’m just tired and cranky and irritated that Lily is just playing games.
“No reason,” I initially tell her.
Lily curses and tells me to just be real and tell her what I’m thinking.
We’re sitting outside on a stone wall during lunch break.
“You know what I’m thinking,” I tell her.
I look at her and see her whole expression and body language suddenly appear …
What?
I don’t know what.
Almost—guilty. Like she knows exactly what is going on and she feels bad, but …
But why?
“I just thought—I mean one minute you’re saying something, and then next you’re not even there,” I tell her. “And I thought that once my mom left … you know?”
Yeah, Lily knows.
She’s known the first time she saw me look at her.
It’s pretty much all over my face. And all the times she’s held my hand and kissed me and flirted and texted and told me things—what am I supposed to think?
Lily’s catlike eyes study mine for a moment. And even now, I’m so weak. So silly and stupid and young. I’m like a song put on pause waiting for her to press play.
She’s about to tell me sorry and end things. I know it. I can tell because she’s suddenly so serious and almost sad-looking.
“Okay, fine,” Lily says.
“Fine, what?”
The sad, serious look only lasts for a few more seconds. Then suddenly, another look splashes over her face. Like a motion picture screen changing from black-and-white to a rainbow of seductive colors.
“You know what. So tonight. Okay?”
“Look, Lily—I just didn’t know why—”
She puts a finger over my lips and laughs. “I shouldn’t be doing this, Chris. I really shouldn’t.”
“Shouldn’t be doing what?”
She laughs and brushes back that hair and seems to look up at the sky as if thinking This is crazy.
I’ve been thinking that since the very first time I found myself riding behind her on the motorcycle.
“I shouldn’t be falling for you like this.” She stands and looks down at me. “Pick me up tonight around six. I’ll let you drive my car. So we can go on a proper date.”
Suddenly I’m feeling nervous.
“Where do you want to go?”
No—make that scared.
“You choose, Chris. Tonight, you choose everything.”
No—make that terrified.
I’m staring out the window in the class after lunch. Staring and thinking. Staring and imagining.
Between classes, I’m walking through the crowds and I see her walking toward me. Tall and beautiful. Smiling my way. Stopping by me.
I’m dizzy now without the rum.
I remain that way all afternoon.
Nervous. Wondering. Waiting.
It seems I’ve been waiting a long time. Not for any reason. Just waiting.
Some part of me feels like things will be better if and when this thing happens with Lily. I know it won’t change anything about my life and what’s happened or what’s about to happen, but I swear that deep down a part of me really kinda thinks that it will.
It’s crazy how all of this has led to this afternoon.
And to tonight.
When I’ll finally get what I want.
Not just Lily. Not just choosing everything.
What do you really want, Chris?
Relief.