108. Going Away for Good

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

I want to convince Kelsey that nothing is wrong, but everything in life that is wrong weighs me down. I wonder if this will be the last time I’ll sit with her in her family room on this couch. Or if I’ll ever be in this house again.

Or if I’ll ever sit next to her again.

The clouds that are normally blown away by Kelsey’s brightness are immovable this evening. She knows it too.

“I told you that I’m coming back late on Monday night,” she says. “I’ll be here before you leave.”

I nod, already knowing that.

“Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“Talk to me. Are you still worried—about everything?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. I know it is. I know you, Chris. You’ll figure it out.”

I can only laugh about that. I’ll figure it out. Yeah, right. I’ve been trying to figure out things since I first set foot in this awful place.

“That’s funny,” I say.

“Why?”

I think for a minute. “You know—when I came here, I didn’t really know who I was. I didn’t have much of a personality. But being on my own and dealing with this—this craziness—helped me. It’s like I’ve had several different personalities. But I think that’s the only way I could have found me. You know?”

She nods. And yeah, I think Kelsey does know.

But she doesn’t know this blanket of burden thrown over my head. All this shaking worry buried deep inside of me.

“I just wish that this feeling—all this stuff I worry about—all this hurt—I just wish it would go away once and for all.”

Kelsey leans into me and holds my hands. “We all hurt in our own way. You know I—I’ve been around these people most of my life. And most of them don’t have a clue who I am. That’s why—when I saw you and met you—I thought that I had a chance.”

“A chance for what?”

“To be someone different. And that’s why—that’s why I’ve been the one who’s chased after you.”

“You really have, haven’t you?” I say.

“That’s not me. At all. But I just thought—I didn’t want to wake up the same Kelsey as I had been every other day in my life.”

“I like that Kelsey.”

“I always thought—if someone took the time—if someone just actually took the time and I wasn’t so stinking quiet and shy—that they could like this person, this—me.”

“I’m glad nobody else knows. That makes it even more special.”

“Does it?” Kelsey asks.

I nod. “You’re special. And you’re not like the others. That’s a good thing.”

“You’re not like the others either,” Kelsey says. “That’s why you’re going to be okay. Why things are going to work out just fine. I know they will.”

I breathe a little lighter sitting next to her.

I worry a little less.

The hurt inside seems to go away. Just for a short while.

I move and kiss her and try to bury everything even further.

Maybe with enough time and enough kisses, the hurt will go away for good.