132. Asleep

This could be the last night Kelsey and I ever hang out together. Of course, leave it to me to think this. She’s cuddled up with me on the couch in her family room, acting like the last week and month and year haven’t been that big a deal. She’s content, watching television while I hold her.

There’s a lot to say. Tomorrow I’m leaving with Mom to head back to Illinois.

I had all these grand plans of stuff I wanted to say, stuff I wanted her to know. But leave it to me to not say them.

I want to believe she knows, and that holding her in my arms is enough.

But who knows.

Who knows if we’ll make it past midnight.

Who knows if she’ll be there to say good-bye.

Who knows.

Maybe I’ll blink and find her by my side, older but still beautiful, acting like the last few decades haven’t been that big a deal.

You’re a big deal to me, Kelsey. You always will be.

I wonder what would have happened if this quiet, shy blonde hadn’t chased me down.

I wonder where I’d be right now.

I’m glad I’m here. Right here.

One more night.

She peeks up at me staring at her. She doesn’t ask What? and doesn’t go back to watching television. She just smiles.

I kiss her.

I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

I just want to fall asleep and then wake up and see her next to me.

What will happen after I leave Solitary? What about later, when Kelsey comes up to Chicago to college? What about a year from now? Or when we get out of college?

I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore.

Yeah.

I hear a song playing in my head and in my heart. I guess there’s always some soundtrack playing somewhere.

And there’s always somebody who inspires it.