20. Sap

You there?

It’s easy to read Kelsey’s late-night text in the dark.

No, I joke.

Are you sleeping?

Yes. Now I’m sleep-texting.

Funny.

What’s up? I type.

Nothing.

Why aren’t you sleeping?

For a moment—a brief anxious moment—I worry that something has happened to her, all because of me, the special chosen boy …

Just can’t, is all she says.

Everything okay?

I miss you.

The three words surprise me.

I can’t sleep either. That’s becoming somewhat of the norm. I’m worried about what nightmares I’m going to have, what’s going to happen tonight and tomorrow. I’m worried about my mom and about others like Kelsey.

But Kelsey—

She misses me.

Sorry, she writes after I find myself at a loss for words.

Don’t be sorry. That was very sweet to say.

You seem to like the not-so-sweet girls.

I think of Jocelyn and Lily. Yeah, she’s got a point.

Sweet and sexy aren’t always the same thing.

But what I’d love to tell Kelsey is that she’s both.

Of course, I don’t and I won’t. I don’t want her to take it the wrong way.

I like you, is what I tell her.

But for how long?

Why are you worried about that?

Because summer isn’t very far away, she writes.

It sure is to me.

You might regret wanting me to stick around.

No I won’t, Kelsey texts.

You better get to sleep.

You too. Pleasant dreams.

Those only come when you’re around, I write and send.

I feel stupid seconds after, but Kelsey wishes me a good night and I guess it wasn’t that stupid. I don’t know.

Sometimes guys at school will show me dirty texts to some girl and it feels just silly and strange to me. I get it, sure, but I’d rather find someone like Kelsey to tell my real thoughts and feelings to. Sure, there are feelings there that I’d love to one day tell her, or even more, show her. Guy-girl stuff. I’d love for her to know that she really is something special.

But I guess the way to show that is to be a gentleman.

Now I’m sounding like Dad.

I remember him once telling me that. Maybe it’s his voice in my head. I don’t know.

Deep down I really think I’m a sap. It’s easy to hide it. But with Kelsey, for some reason I don’t want to hide it.

Which may or may not be a good thing.