31. Totally and Completely

Sometimes the conversations I have with Kelsey are totally and completely pointless.

“Our main character has to be dark and mysterious,” I tell Kelsey. “You know, for our epic love story.”

“But not too dark and mysterious.”

“Why not?”

“Because people need someone to relate to. He has to be nice.”

“Maybe he owns a puppy,” I say.

“That would help.”

“Then the puppy gets tragically killed.”

“No, no, no. You can’t have a puppy killed.”

“But then you’ll care even more for the hero.”

“Or you’ll think he’s dumb enough to get his puppy killed.”

I think about it and agree. “Yeah, you’re right. Okay. No dead dog.”

“He has to have a good sense of humor.”

“Really?”

“Women like that,” Kelsey tells me.

“Okay. But he can’t be like Will Ferrell or somebody like that. We’ve got to take him seriously.”

“Okay.”

“And the heroine has to be innocent.”

“I thought you’d say dark and wounded but gorgeous.”

“Oh, well, that all works fine,” I say. “At least the gorgeous part.”

“Great. She’s gorgeous.”

“Yes, totally. But she doesn’t know it.”

“Does our hero tell her she’s beautiful?”

“Oh, yes,” I say. “All the time.”

“But he likes to joke, so she thinks he’s joking.”

“Yeah. Amidst all his dark, brooding moments.”

“Brooding,” Kelsey repeats, laughing. “Do you ever brood?”

I try and make a serious look, but she just laughs at me.

“What?” I ask.

“You looked like you’re constipated or something.”

“Not funny.”

“I’m just being honest.”

“Our heroine should be honest. Too honest for her own good, if you ask me.”

“Okay,” Kelsey says. “And our hero can be too witty for his own good.”

“This is sounding epic.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Because they’re in a spaceship heading to the moon.”

“No, no. No science fiction. No spaceships.”

“How about a boat?” I ask.

“Let’s keep them on land.”

“Okay. But they’re in the big city.”

“Sure.”

“And the whole world is falling apart.”

“No,” Kelsey says.

“Why not?”

“No disaster stories.”

“You’re a tough editor,” I say.

“Cowriter. I’m the cowriter.”

“Then you’re a tough cowriter.”

“We’ve got to make it last.”

“The story?” I ask.

“No. The couple.”

Like I said, sometimes the conversations I have with Kelsey are totally and completely priceless.