34. Restlessness

If I could, I’d lose myself.

I’d be like that iPod that suddenly goes missing for a week. I’d eventually be found under some cushion in the house or in a bag or a drawer.

For a while, I’d be missing.

And I’d love it.

But it’s January in the last semester of my senior year, and a lot of people are paying attention to me. A lot.

I feel the same as I always have. I have a nice pimple on my forehead. I feel a little out of shape from all the fast food I’ve been eating (but I know that track practice starts soon and Mr. Brinks will whip me into shape). My hair needs a trim like it sorta has its whole life. I feel this tired restlessness that won’t go away.

Jocelyn made it go away. So did Lily.

Yeah.

And so does Kelsey.

Is that the case with every guy, or is it just me?

I don’t know. I used to be able to speak for other guys, but that’s before all of this happened.

I feel the same, but I also feel I’m hovering over myself at times, waiting for the next crazy, scary thing to happen.

It’s Saturday, and I’m feeling restless and watched and bored.

I asked Kelsey if she wanted to hang out and do something, and I finally hear back.

Sure.

If there was only her to think about, I’d escape right this instant with her. I’d take my wad of cash and go somewhere west and warm. Or maybe somewhere south and sunny. Somewhere away from Solitary.

But there are others to think about. First and foremost, there’s Mom.

I didn’t want to touch that wad of cash, but I’ve already spent a little buying some groceries. It made me angry and got me seriously thinking about a job. It’s one thing for Mom to nag me about a job. It’s another when I’m taking money from a monster.

But I can blow it all in one night, right?

I don’t know how I’m going to, or even how much money is there, but I’m going to take Kelsey out tonight and spend every single cent of it.

And maybe that restless weight around my shoulders will disappear again. At least for a night.