75. Nowhere Fast

I’m already having a bad day when Pastor Marsh shows up.

Just call him Marsh because he’s no pastor.

It’s a gray, cool March morning, and I’m feeling groggy and totally incapable of being happy and thankful like Dad suggested. Watching the news reminds me that it’s not just Solitary that’s messed up, but it’s this world. There are riots in the streets and wars in other countries, and a mother is suspected of killing her two-year-old daughter.

It’s enough to make you not want to open your door and go outside.

Why go outside when you have the joys of Facebook at your fingertips right here in the house?

My classes suck, and the teachers are killing us with homework and exams, and college is laughing at me from afar. Even Kelsey seems different, because she’s feeling the overload herself, and she’s a straight-A student.

So when I see Marsh standing there looking all high and mighty I want to throw up on him.

Then I notice he’s standing by Mr. Meiners, and I get a little worried.

“Chris, just the man I wanted to see.”

It’s lunchtime, and I was looking forward to a nice break with Kelsey. But nope—doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

Mr. Meiners just says hi and returns to his classroom.

“Let’s go grab a burger,” Marsh says.

“I really can’t.”

He laughs, then quickly nods and says, “Yes, you can.”

I don’t have a choice.

I put my books in my locker and leave with the pastor. Several students greet him. Unfortunately I don’t see Kelsey to tell her I’m going. I’ll text her when I get outside.

I get in Marsh’s car, and he heads to the closest fast-food place, a burger joint that I’ve only eaten at once because it’s really bad. I order a burger and fries, but I don’t feel like eating them. Marsh only orders an iced tea. We sit in a booth away from the other diners in the small eating area.

“You’re starting to disappoint me, Chris.”

Here we go.

Both of his hands hold the plastic cup, and I notice how girly his hands look. They’re soft and thin.

Those same hands slit my wrist, didn’t they?

“I hate being disappointed,” Marsh says.

“What’d I do now?”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

I want to tell him that I only have one father, thank you very much. But I know I can’t.

“Your mother came home in one piece, didn’t she?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“So why then are you continuing to play with fire?”

“What do you mean?”

“Chris—”

“Is this about Jared?”

He slaps the table suddenly, and the crack it makes startles me. For a brief second I see a wild look on his face, an expression I can’t remember seeing before. It’s brief, but I know I saw it. He clears his throat and smiles at me.

“Don’t blame others, Chris. This is about you. Just … you.”

“Okay.”

“Why would you go visit that group?”

“Which one?”

He curses and then moves his head so that he can whisper to me. “You know exactly which group I’m talking about. This is why people are getting very irritated by your actions, and why I won’t be able to do anything about their response. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“No,” he snaps in a controlled whisper. “No, you don’t understand. You’re still out there trying to do it your way. When will you learn? Huh? Tell me that.”

“I’m sorry.”

Marsh laughs. “What a lie. You’re not even mildly sorry. But these people, Chris—Staunch and others—they can make anybody sorry for anything. I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it, but you tend to forget. And I don’t know if that’s because you think you’re untouchable or what.”

“No.”

“Because you’re not,” Marsh says. “You’re very touchable, I promise you. Their patience is running out. Staunch will do whatever he has to—and believe me, he has when he’s not restrained. He’s a big bull, that one. But he does what Kinner tells him to. He’s Kinner’s hands and voice. I’m just trying to bide our time.”

I notice the words he uses.

Our time.

“And what do you think you’re doing with the girl?”

I’m about ready to say who, but decide that I shouldn’t. “What about her?”

“What about her? Why is there a ‘her’ to begin with? Haven’t you learned?”

“You said that she wouldn’t be harmed.”

Marsh curses, but this time it seems like it’s to himself. He glances out the window and then around the restaurant. Nobody is paying us any attention, and even if they were, I doubt Marsh would care.

“I’m trying to figure you out, and I just don’t seem able to. I mean—I first thought you just wanted the hottest girl around for one reason. That your so-called ‘nobility’ is more due to fear and hesitation. But then this comes along. Where do you see this thing going?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I can tell you where it’s going,” Marsh says. “Nowhere fast. You need to end things with her.”

I begin to shake my head, and Marsh shakes his like he’s frantically copying me.

“Do you want her to end up like Jocelyn or Lily? Do you?”

“But you said—”

“It doesn’t matter what I say. You believe anything coming out of my mouth, and half the time I’m just making something up to shut you up or try to stop you from doing something even more stupid. This isn’t a love story, Chris. Eventually you can find the things you need—and yes, down the road you can even convince yourself it’s love, if that’s what you need, though it will never last. But you can’t have that now.”

“Why?”

Marsh sits up and tightens his jaw. “Maybe for starters because I say so.”

He looks like he could easily take those girly hands of his and strangle me without a bit of hesitation.

He sits back and sips his tea and seems to gain control of his anger. “You don’t want anything to happen to her, right?”

I nod.

“Then you politely and calmly end it.”

My heart starts beating, and my mind starts racing.

“You do it this week. Kinner is concerned for you, Chris. Kelsey and her family are all believers, and that worries him. That, along with you going to visit that group in the woods. I mean—what’s going on with you, Chris?”

“Nothing.”

“Is that girl having that much influence on you? Are you feeling guilt for late-night longings you have for her? Or for the things you’ve seen that you’ve kept from others? Things like what happened to Jocelyn. And Lily. What is it?”

“I don’t know,” I say.

“I think you know. Look—I’ve had my moments, and I can understand. But Kinner doesn’t. So the solution is you break it off with Kelsey. You won’t be trying to convince her to sleep with you, and you won’t be having doubts and confusion and all that nonsense. I mean—don’t you see it’s just nonsense? Guilt and fear and frustration. The only thing that faith gives you is guilt. And that’s what I’ve been telling you all this time. I can find a way for you to let go and be free.”

Liar.

This man across from me doesn’t look like he’s ever let anything go. And he sure doesn’t look free.

For a moment he waits for me to respond, but I don’t.

“End things with Kelsey, or Staunch will end things his way. You understand? Look at me. In the eyes. Do you understand?”

I force myself to look at him.

I want to kill this man and end all the pain and suffering he’s brought to this town and these people. And to me and my family.

“Yes,” I say. “I understand.”

I understand that one day I’m going to kill you, you sick freak.

“You have a little over two months to go. You don’t need to be worrying about Kelsey and her broken little heart. You’ll find you have to deal with enough on your own.”

He smiles.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on. I gotta take you back to school. Don’t want to break any rules, do we?”