76. Magical

I’m tired. Tired of people telling me what to do, what not to do, what I have to feel, what I’m supposed to be.

I’m just tired.

It’s late and I should be sleeping, but I’m staring at that picture of me that I once found, that happy carefree guy smiling in the sun.

Did someone give this to me to taunt me, to show me a snapshot of someone I’ll never be able to become?

I look at the picture of the woods with the Robert Frost line on it.

Then I stare at the beaming and bright picture of Kelsey on her Facebook profile. She’s happy and carefree.

I should never have gotten close. Should’ve known better. Should’ve been more careful.

For a long time that night, I stare at her.

Thinking what to do.

Thinking what to say.

The next day, I come to school with a plan.

I still don’t know if they have spies planted everywhere. Or if I’m bugged in my boxers and my backpack and my lunch bag. I don’t know.

Somehow in some way they have known my every step ever since I’ve come to Solitary.

They.

Staunch, Marsh, Great-grandfather Kinner.

Whoever else is part of they.

So I have to be careful.

But they got Jared to keep an eye on me. So they don’t know everything.

That’s right.

They got Lily to try and do the same. To try and control me.

That almost worked.

I know there’s no way they can read my mind. Because if they could, they’d already know the truth: this faith I have is real even if it’s just a spark. A spark that’s started melting away the hard ice around my heart.

They don’t know.

But there might be a time coming soon when they will ask and I will have to make a choice whether to admit the truth or not.

I’m not there yet. It’s the end of March, and I’m going to tell Kelsey the truth. As much as I can.

It’s a warm spring day, and after lunch as we’re walking toward our lockers, I ask Kelsey the question.

“Have you ever skipped a class?”

She looks surprised. I know her answer before she says, “No. Why?”

“I want you—no, I need you to do something for me.”

“What?”

We’re walking slowly, like any other day. I whisper, “I need you to come somewhere with me.”

“Where?” Kelsey looks a bit amused.

“Just somewhere. But it needs to be now.”

“What? Right now?”

“Yes,” I say.

“Chris—what’s going on?”

“I need you to trust me.”

“Okay.”

“Then just keep walking to your locker. Then act like you normally do, except instead of going to your next class, go outside and meet me in the parking lot.”

“But I have to—”

“Kelsey, please.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll explain.”

“Explain what?” She looks nervous now. “Chris?”

“I can’t. Not here.”

She looks at me for a long time and then nods.

She means it when she says she trusts me. Which is good, because she’s going to have to keep trusting me a lot.

I go to my locker and then walk to my trigonometry class but don’t go inside. I keep walking, making sure nobody is following me.

I wait in the parking lot for a few minutes, then see Kelsey coming down the steps toward me. I can’t help but smile. She seems to bounce.

If you only knew.

She climbs on the motorcycle behind me, and I drive off.

It takes about fifteen minutes to get to Marsh Falls.

We park at the edge of the woods and then head toward the base of the falls. I’m not pulling any sort of wild stunt like slashing my wrists and showing Kelsey how they heal or anything like that. But somehow, for some reason, this seems like a safe place to come. Or at least a mysterious middle ground.

It seems to make sense to tell Kelsey what I need to tell her here.

I walk with her hand in hand, and it takes us a while to get to the small creek flowing from the falls. Large rocks surround the area, and I find one that’s flat to sit on. It’s near the edge of the creek and provides a scenic view of the falling waters and the pool underneath.

“You’re scaring me a little,” Kelsey says.

“Don’t be scared.”

She smiles and looks around. “This is beautiful.”

“You’ve never been here?”

Kelsey shakes her head. I tell her that it’s Marsh Falls and that the waters are supposed to be magical.

Her bright blue eyes study me in the middle of these woods. “Why’d you bring me here?”

“Because it’s the only place I can think where someone might not be watching me,” I say. “I don’t know why I think that. Maybe someone is behind the falls with a video camera and recording equipment. I don’t know. But this place seems … safe.”

“Safe for what?”

I sigh and sit up and face her and take her hands. “I have to break up with you.”

Instant confusion fills her pretty face. “What?”

“No, listen. That’s what it’s supposed to look like. Kelsey—there are bad people around here. Bad men. I could try and go into detail and tell you every little thing I know about them, but I think that would just make things worse.”

“Are you in trouble?”

I nod. “Yeah, you could say that. Not because of something I did. But just—these people—it has to do with who I am and who I’m related to. And it has to do with my family.”

“But what’s it have to do with me?”

I squeeze her hands and smile. “Nothing. That’s the thing—they think that I shouldn’t be with you. And these people—I have to do what they tell me to do.”

They might be able to control what I do, but they can’t control fate. They can’t control the fact that one day a guy decides to talk to a girl in his art class and it turns into something more.

“I don’t understand.”

I nod.

Of course you don’t.

“Kelsey—there are people in this town who are evil. I know—I know that you’ve heard stories and weird things—everybody has. But it’s real. They don’t want me with you. They don’t like the fact that you and your family are Christians. They don’t like that at all.”

“But what—why do they care?”

“Because …”

I don’t know exactly what to say because the more I say the more insane I’m going to sound.

“Because they feel they own me,” I say. “And they don’t want to have anything to do with God or Jesus or anything good. And that includes you.”

I can see her mind trying to make sense of this, but I know it’s not going to happen, not here, not now.

“I can’t be seen with you anymore. We can’t talk. Or email or text or anything.”

She lets out an exasperated and bewildered chuckle.

“I know. It’s crazy. Listen—I’m coming to Illinois with you. I’m going back there for college. Or at least to live. And this—you and me—we’re not done. But we have a couple of months to go, and I don’t want anything happening to you.”

“This is about the stuff you’ve told me—about the bad people who have it out for you?”

I nod. “Yeah. These evil people—they want me for something, Kelsey. They think they own me because of who I’m related to. Because of my great-grandfather. And yeah, it’s totally insane. All of it. But it took me a long time to finally stop saying it was insane and realize it’s all true.”

“What are you supposed to do for them?”

The steady pounding of the water falling into the pond keeps our words from being heard. Yet still I end up scanning the woods around us for a moment.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I say. “It’s like the family business or something. Like the mob. They’re coming to tell me I’m a part of them and have to do what they say or else. Except this isn’t the mob. This is some cult.”

Kelsey doesn’t laugh in my face. But that’s because she lives around here and goes to Harrington, and anyone who does that has to know a little deep down. The rumors and the weird things and the disappearances and the overall vibe of Solitary. Anybody knows something.

Instead of looking confused, Kelsey looks scared.

“It’s going to be okay,” I tell her. “But we can’t—this, you and me, can’t be anymore. Not public.”

“Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“Did something happen to Jocelyn? Is that why she’s gone?”

I nod and stare at her.

Then I see the tears forming in her eyes.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “Nothing is going to happen to you.”

She swallows and wipes her eyes.

“I swear, you’re going to be okay,” I tell her.

“But can’t we tell someone? What about my parents?”

“No. I’ve tried that. Others have tried that. That’s why—I swear, Kelsey, you have to trust me. You have to do this. Just stay quiet. And stay away from me.”

She continues to cry, so I move over and hold her in my arms.

“Nothing is going to happen to you,” I tell her as my mouth is gently pressed against her ear. “I’m going to take care of you.”

Kelsey moves back so she can look at me. I see those vibrant eyes looking scared and hurt but also lovely. They stare up at me in a strange and magical way.

“I love you,” Kelsey says. She’s shaking as she holds my hands, and tears are in her eyes, but somehow she’s also smiling. “I really do, Chris. I really love you.”

I don’t expect this and don’t know what to say.

But Kelsey solves that for me when she moves over and kisses me. I move my arms around her waist, and I kiss her for a very long time.

I kiss her hard and kiss her knowing it might be our last kiss for some time.