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Three days and nights passed without a word from Nick. It’s rained steady since our night under the stars. The weather makes it impossible to get any work done on the farm, so I’ve stayed indoors, busying myself with housework while stewing.
I know Nick is working, but it frustrates me that he’s made no attempt to speak to me. He could have easily stopped by the house to check on me, as he does whenever the weather gets crazy, but this time he didn’t.
No phone calls, no texts, nothing.
He’s purposely avoiding me, and it infuriates me to no end.
The weather has finally turned, and the intense heat of the cloudless afternoon sky dried up the rain-soaked land by early evening. Determined to take advantage of the clear sky, I pack up my gear and head out to my usual spot to do some gazing. Mostly, I need a distraction. The humidity in the air weighs heavily on my already burdened shoulders, but I suck it up, welcoming any diversion to get my mind off Nick.
Rigel keeps me company while I set up the telescope and chair. I sit back, watching the stars appear, one by one, until they blanket the sky. Gazing with a bit of light in the sky is exciting, but not as wonderful as when complete darkness invites stars one wouldn’t see in a lighter sky.
Hours pass like minutes before I finally give up and prepare to head in. I’m packing my gear when rustling in the grass catches my attention.
I look up to discover Nick slowly approaching. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, looking unbelievably handsome. My hopes rise as I stare at him, wondering what he will say, but he doesn’t speak. He walks up to me, takes my chin in his hand, and kisses me lightly. It’s sweet, my whole universe changes. Hope swirls through my heart as it pounds against the reigniting of a pulsing inferno that’s been burning since I first saw him.
Nick releases my chin and pulls from my lips, causing me to react aggressively. Reaching out, I grasp his shirt, pulling him back to my lips, where I release my passion. His arms encircle me, and I melt in his embrace as his lips tease mine and our tongues dance. Moments later, we separate, flustered and breathless.
He steps back, his expression isn’t one of joy—it’s torn, broken, and completely out of place given the steam rising between us. Instinctively, I know what’s coming next, and my shoulders slump against the weight of it.
“We can’t do this.” He looks away, swallowing hard. “I came here to tell you that but...”
“But you kissed me instead.” I inch closer, trying to see his eyes. “You don’t kiss someone like that unless you want it.”
Nick sighs heavily, digging his hands into his pockets. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Zeta, believe me, I...You are my employer. People will talk. I’ll lose the respect of my workers if they find out I’m courting the boss. We’re too close to harvest to risk another upheaval.”
He might have a point, but reason is nowhere to be seen. I stare at the ground, trying to hide the hurt and utter confusion. I want him, this, us—I need it, more than anything. The revelation infuriates me because now he’s saying I can’t have it. “I don’t give a rat’s smelly behind what the workers think. I choose who I want to be with, and I want to be with you. They’re here to work my land, and my personal life is no one’s business.”
“It’s not that simple, and you know it.”
“Isn’t it?” I approach him, reach up to cup his face in my hands, and kiss him. He doesn’t move—he doesn’t kiss me back. Heat rises to my cheeks, and I back away, feeling like a stupid fool.
“We can’t do this.” His defeated tone and stiff resolve burn me.
A frustrated groan blasts from my lips and I raise my eyes to the heaven’s silently asking for strength, but then I just snap, my gaze locking on his with intent. “I hate this life! I spent enough time married to someone I had no connection to when all I wanted was you. We connected. We fit!” He looks away. “This is unbelievable. Fine. Go. I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I won’t do it again!” Incensed, I gather up my gear and start to leave, but Nick approaches and yanks me back into his arms.
“Damn it all,” he whispers before his lips take mine.
I don’t kiss him back. I want to, but the immediate ache in my heart takes my breath away. His inconsistency stands between us and although I know he’s struggling with his feelings, I’m steadfast in mine.
Anger rises to the surface, and I push him away. “If you don’t want to do this, then I completely understand your position, and I will learn to respect it, but don’t play with me. You either want to be with me or you don’t. Make a choice and stick to it!”
This time, when I walk away, he doesn’t try to stop me.
***
WEEKS AND WEEKS HAVE passed at a snail’s pace, and with each passing day, forgetting my feelings for Nick gets easier. Harvest is well under way and going about as smoothly as I think it ever has. He was right about that—I couldn’t risk another worker upheaval. He doesn’t avoid me anymore and will speak freely about orchard business, but he maintains a strict air of professionalism and never oversteps.
Good Lord above, I wish he would. I wish for it with a passion I can’t possibly explain.
Loneliness has forced me to join the world outside my property lines. Mostly, I crave friendly conversation, so I make my first trip to church since before Branson moved out. It’s something I’ve been avoiding because I can’t stomach the questions and gossip, but the need for human contact and a connection to faith has forced me to suck it up and attend church.
I soak up every word of Pastor Rogers’ sermon and could attribute his advice to my own life. He speaks about forgiveness and moving on, which hits close to home. After the service, I gather with the other members, in the basement hall, for the usual after church social.
Few people attempt to speak to me—I’m a soon to be divorcée, a pariah or maybe they just don’t know how to address their pity for me. James is in attendance and has sent me many friendly nods, and I know he’ll approach me soon.
I’ve been avoiding him for weeks because I’ve been in such a funk over Nick that I can’t stand thinking about anything else. I’m barely getting through the days, struggling hard with all my losses. James can’t be avoided much longer if I want the divorce to go through.
As my lawyer, James is slick and gets the job done fast. He’s ruthless and takes what he wants without apology and given the way he’s looking at me from across the room, it would appear I’m on the list.
He’s handsome enough with his freshly cut, blonde-streaked brown hair, blue eyes, and medium build. The only muscle on his body hides beneath a few extra pounds, but it looks good on him. So, let’s see, he’s decent looking, in his early thirties, and he’s available. At the moment, all these things intrigue me.
“Zeta, how are you?” Bethany Rogers, the pastor’s wife, coos as she approaches. Bethany glows, with her perfectly groomed long tawny hair and lilac sundress that modestly boasts her growing baby-belly.
As with every time I see a pregnant woman, my insides ache with loss. She’s glowing. I never got that glow, and like a punch to the gut, my mood deflates but I fight it. Inhaling hard, I plaster a smile on my face and pat the chair beside me as an invite. “I’m well, Bethany. It’s so nice to see you.” Bethany is one of my favorite people. In fact, her husband Ben Rogers is a steady second. The young newlyweds took over the church a little over a year ago and quickly became welcome editions.
She tosses me a scolding, yet loving smile. “You’ve been hiding out. We’ve missed you, Zeta. You know you’re a part of our family...”
“It’s been...a difficult time and honestly I dreaded the line of questioning, and...the relentless gossip.” My face flushes with embarrassment.
Bethany laughs, shaking her head. “That can’t be avoided, but now that you’re here, tell me, are you okay?”
“I am. It’s been an adjustment, but I’m great.” My smile is tight, and I don’t even know why I’m trying to pretend otherwise after all that I’ve been through.
“You don’t need to lie to me. You’ve been through hell and back—I can tell by the sadness in your eyes that you are dreadfully lonely.”
I meet her gaze. Now I feel pitied.
Bethany’s smile widens and there isn’t a modicum of pity in it, just friendship. It’s the kindest of smiles that makes me feel safe. “Bethany, I can barely stand it. I do so appreciate when you stop by the farm for a visit, but between work and everything else, I’m lonely, so lonely.”
“Well, it appears as if a certain lawyer friend of yours is frothing at the bit to speak to you.” She nods towards James.
“Oh?” I play it cool, not wanting to come off as conceited by admitting that I’m well aware James is checking me out.
“You’re a prized catch, Zeta, what with all your land and wealth. You’re young, beautiful and your heart is pure, but keep your eyes wide open. You’ve been through so much that I pray better days are coming.” It’s an odd thing to add to a list of compliments, and the distrust of James in her voice is very apparent. Rising to leave, Bethany leans in and gives me a quick hug. “I must make my rounds. You and I will do lunch soon?”
“Soon.” I watch her walk away as James steps forward, taking Bethany’s seat.
“Zeta, you’re avoiding me.” He turns to face me, grinning.
“I’m sorry, James. It’s been a busy couple of weeks.”
“If you keep cancelling our meetings, you’ll never be a free woman.” A flirty grin curves his lips, and he sits back, crossing his legs.
“Why don’t you come by tomorrow afternoon? We’ll sort out the divorce papers and you can talk business with Nick. I’d love it if you stayed for dinner too.”
“Dinner? That would be lovely. Nick is still in your employ?” His surprise is evident as he cocks a questioning brow.
“Of course, he’s great at his job.” I’m well aware that James disagrees with my decision to make Nick orchard manager, but I don’t actually care. I do what I want.
“A little birdie told me that Ballantine laid an offer on the table for Nick.”
“Why would Ballantine do that? He already has Clive and Branson.” Ballantine really wants to take me down. I’d die if Nick went there too, literally die, and I’m pretty sure my farm would be doomed.
He laughs. “Seems word of Nick’s great job has spread. Ballantine runs a massive operation—you know how hard it is to find good management these days.”
“James, are you saying my decision to promote Nick was a good one?” I smile, casually trying to hide any emotion about Nick potentially leaving.
“Zeta, you’re a big girl, I trust your judgement, but you need to talk to Nick, maybe sweeten the deal a little.” There’s a dirty undertone to his words which I choose to ignore.
“Thank you for the heads up.” I sigh, rising to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Yes, tomorrow.” He nods slightly, tossing me an arrogant grin. I can’t help but smile back even though he basically trashed what was left of my day.
Leaving church, I’m incensed, driving like a bat out of hell. When I arrive back at the farm, I search the grounds looking for Nick. I have to know if he’s leaving, why he’s leaving, and if it’s because of me. The thought of losing him, creates an agonizing knot in my stomach that’s even worse than the one that’s been resting there since he pushed me away.
I find Nick alone in the greenhouse, inspecting seedlings. He spins to me as I approach, raising an eyebrow as he scans my attire. I hadn’t taken the time to change and am still wearing my floral sundress and heels.
“Nick, I had an interesting conversation with James...Are you planning on leaving my employ?” There’s no point in beating around the bush—I’m desperate for an answer.
Nick sighs and gazes off to the side, avoiding eye contact. “You shouldn’t listen to everything James says. He’s full of crap, half the time.”
“Is he full of crap, this time?” I nudge him, trying to catch his eye. “Answer the question, Nick.”
“I had an offer. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.” He shrugs, trying to be casual but there is seriousness to his expression. He’s definitely considering it.
“Whatever they are offering you, I’ll match it and then some...”
“It’s not about the money.” He turns back to the seedling.
“Don’t do this. Don’t leave because of me.” Tears sting my eyes as I cross my arms over my stomach, holding the nausea in. He can’t leave.
I grab at him, forcing him to face me. His eyes connect with mine, and he nods, clearing his throat. “I haven’t decided...”
“You don’t have to worry about me chasing after you. I’m moving on...”
The softness in his gaze immediately morphs into anger. “So that’s it...You’re moving on with James?”
I never said anything about James. Why would he assume?
“James?”
“Pfft. Don’t act like you don’t know. He texted and said he’d see me about the contracts tomorrow after dinner, with you.”
No doubt, James sent a text. He and Nick just love to butt heads. Men.
His jealously elates me for about a millisecond and then I snap, placing hand on hip. “You’ve made it crystal clear that you and I are not going to be together. What am I supposed to do—sit around pining after you? I have a life to lead, Nick. Do what you want. All I ask is that you give me reasonable notice.” Straightening, I spin on my heels, and leave him staring after me as I stomp away.