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I awake to sunlight and an empty bed beside me. Wondering if I imagined Nick’s presence, I stare at the pillow next to me. I don’t know if I was dreaming, but I hope I wasn’t. My heart starts aches. The realization that I’m in love with Nick comes swiftly and with great strength. I suppose I’ve loved him all along—I’ve never stopped. There’s just something about him, something I can’t live without.
It only makes matters worse.
He won’t take the chance to be with me and it is seriously breaking my soul. If my station in life means I should be with men like Branson and James, then I intend to remain single until the day I die.
That day would be an eternity away if I can’t have Nick.
My heart aches for him.
He’s like my guardian angel, always nearby when I need him, but just out of reach.
I sigh, accepting that I have to make a move. Sitting around pining over him, won’t get me what I want. I have to do something about it, or I’ll go insane. The decision to approach him is the only viable option. It can’t hurt to be honest with him about my feelings. I pray it’ll be enough to convince him that we should be together.
On the way out of my house, James approaches his car which is still parked out front. He must have slept where he fell. When he catches a glimpse of me, he stops walking, staring shamefully at the ground.
“I’m so sorry, Zeta. I’m a scoundrel when I drink. It will never happen again.” James’s tone is laced with embarrassment which is something I never imagined I’d see on his face—his arrogance prevents it.
“You’ll understand when I look for other representation?” I say. “You can finish with the divorce, but that will be the end of our association.”
“Yes, ma’am, I’ll file the papers today, and you will be officially divorced.” He nods his goodbye and climbs into his car.
I wait for James to drive away before taking off on foot to find Nick. When he can’t be found on the grounds, I head back to the house and wait for the end of the workday to arrive.
It feels like an eternity.
Just after sunset, I walk to the worker cabins at the edge of the orchard. Nick’s cabin is the largest of the cabins. The cozy accommodations are part of the manager’s compensation. I approach his cabin, knowing he’ll be at his desk, winding down.
I creep up the stairs and stand on the porch, staring at the door, trying to work up the courage to knock. Before I get to it, the door swings open, and Nick stands before me. He says nothing but pushes the door open as a silent invite for me to enter. Somehow my legs take me through, my heart pounds nervously in my chest.
I’m petrified but at the same time resolved.
We need to have this conversation. It’s so long overdue.
The door closes, Nick spins me, yanks me into his arms, and his lips take mine in a flurry of hungry kisses. I throw my arms around his neck, trailing my hands through his hair, and holding him to me.
What was it I needed to say?
I can’t make sense of Heaven or Earth, not now.
And then he pulls away, and again I see the regret plastered all over his face and just like that, I’m gutted.
“What can I do for you, Zeta?” He tries to sound casual, but darkness crosses his face, changing his demeanor. He closes himself off as if he didn’t just kiss me into oblivion.
Stunned, I gape at him, my jaw on the floor. “You know why I’m here. Why can’t you just take the chance to be with me?”
“I want to be with you...” Nick sighs and walks past me to his couch and sits, burying his face in his hands. “We just shouldn’t. I can’t.”
A little piece of me suspected this much but hearing him say the words, yet again, hurts more than I expected. I was sure he’d have a change of heart. Clearly, I was wrong. Burning agony flashes through my body and mars my soul.
The thought of Nick not loving me the way I so desperately love him never crossed my mind, until now. I know it’s crazy, but I need him to know that I love him more than a position in society, more than anything, so much that I am willing to fight for it.
“I love you, Nick.” I choke on the words as tears escape my eyes. “All these months, all this time—I never stopped loving you—I swear to God, I never will.”
Nick raises his head. His tormented eyes connect to mine, and I see it, I understand everything now. It wasn’t position holding him back, it was fear...of what I can’t imagine, but seeing the pain in his eyes forces me to accept his words.
I never want to cause him a moment’s pain. I’ll be alone forever if it means he isn’t hurt. That look on his face, it’s killing me.
Nodding my acceptance of his resolve, I turn to leave, but before my hand reaches the doorknob, I’m yanked back into his arms and his lips take mine. Relief washes over me as we kiss, but more tears escape my lids. Confused, I pull away and look into his eyes, demanding an answer.
“I know you love me, too.” I tilt my head in question.
His hands trail up to my face, cupping my cheeks. He nods. “You deserve so much more than—”
“Then what?” I snap, slapping his hands from my face. “A man who actually loves me? Someone who makes me feel things I never knew existed? If you love me, then you can’t throw this away. You can’t!”
“I just need time to figure this all out...”
Irrational anger rises, flushing my cheeks, causing me to strike out with words I know aren’t true. “So that’s it?” This sudden rage takes over all reason, I’m seething with it. Nick’s eyes soften, and he shakes his head. He reaches out to me, but I shirk his touch and speak before he has a chance to argue. “I can’t do this...” The words hurt as they come out, stabbing me in the heart, but I say them—I can’t stop myself. “The pain—it’s—you should have just left me alone. You should never have come back.”
“Zeta...” His voice cracks but I can’t stop myself.
“No! I can’t believe you’re jerking me around, again! I can’t do this anymore. You need to take that job. I can’t keep going back and forth like this—it’s killing me.”
Furious, I push him away and race out the door, slamming it behind me. I hear the door open as if he might come after me, but I don’t give him the chance to catch me. I race, as fast as my legs can go, back to the safety of my house and then cry myself to sleep.