After we left Arly’s, Rikki drove us over to a Barnes and Noble bookstore, where we picked out a small, sky-blue journal with lined, light-blue pages. From there, she took me to Toys ‘R’ Us.
I'd been to Toys ‘R’ Us dozens of times before, but this was the first time I’d ever been there to buy something for me. A bear? For me? Feeling like a fifteen-year-old in a pharmacy shopping for condoms, I walked down the stuffed animal aisle trying to look totally nonchalant, hoping nobody would notice me. Of course nobody cared. Why would they? Rikki sensed my hesitation and just walked right over to the bears and started squeezing them.
“I’m going to get one for myself, too,” she announced. “I need my own bear.”
That did it. That made it all right. Screw it. I’m getting a bear.
My eyes and hands started wandering over all the brown-andwhite stuffed dogs and bears, pink bunnies, and Sesame Street characters, and for a minute I actually felt happy. I’m in the teddy bear aisle. The Isle of Teddy Bears. What a lovely place to be!
I was poking and squeezing and rubbing the good ones against my face, checking them for softness, no longer caring what anyone might think, when I felt a powerful push from inside propel me toward a big fluffy blue bear, one I wouldn’t have looked twice at. This one! This is the bear! Shudder, switch, and I was gone, and Davy was there holding that bear.
“Toby,” he said.
Rikki walked over holding a white polar bear she’d picked out for herself. She knew it wasn’t me, but she wasn’t worried, or at least she didn’t look it. I watched from some distant place.
She smiled and said sweetly, “You found a bear?”
“Toby,” Davy said, holding the bear toward her.
“Toby,” she repeated. “He’s a nice one. Look,” she said, showing him her bear, “I picked one out, too. I’m gonna call him Puff.” Rikki was the best.
She paid for the bears and drove the four of us home.
That night Rikki and I lay in bed, face up, shoulders touching, holding our bears. Kyle was fast sleep in the other room, and we both stared silently out the window at the full moon that rested on the leafless branches of the big trees in the yard. The bedroom lights were out and the moon’s glow washed a ghostlike chiaroscuro over everything in the room. The wintry stillness was broken only by the sound of two squirrels scurrying across the snow-crusted roof.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said. “My grandmother.”
“What do you know about her?” Rikki asked.
“Nothing. You know what I know. She came from a large family. She married my grandfather when she was really young, She wasn’t very good at taking care of the kids.”
“What do you mean?” Rikki said. “Oh, yeah, your mother always said she had to take care of your uncle from when she was just a kid; her mother couldn’t do anything for herself. That’s all she ever said.” She sighed. “I don't know. Your grandfather, your uncles, your mother. Whew. Remember what your grandfather said when your dad died? ‘Get over it’? I couldn't believe that. Your dad’s dead a week and he’s telling you to get over it. And your mother. She’s about the most narcissistic person I’ve ever known. Everything has to revolve around her. She has to control every little thing. This is so screwed up,” she said, spitting the words out like bad milk.
“I can’t ask my mother about this,” I said. “I’ve felt so weird around her lately.”
Rikki and I were quiet for a while, watching the big moon out in the yard.
“Maybe I should call my mother’s cousin Abbey,” I said, “and ask her about my grandmother’s family. She ought to know something.” I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at Rikki. Her hair looked silky in the moonlight. “Didn’t my mother say she and Abbey grew up on the same street?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I think so. What do you think she’ll tell you?”
I lay back down. “I don't know,” I said. “She was there. She must know something.”
In the next room we heard Kyle cry out, “Get away from my tank, you meany.” Rikki and I looked at each other and laughed.
“He’s dreaming,” she said and turned back to look out at the stillness and the yellow, hanging moon.
I let out a deep sigh. “Maybe I am, too. Maybe I’m just making this whole thing up.” Rikki turned back to me and propped herself up on her elbow. I could feel her penetrating gaze along my spine.
“That’s denial talking,” she said, shaking her head slowly, her voice quavering a little. “In Arly’s office ... Davy ... the hand reaching up ... the screams. Cam, there’s no way that wasn’t real.”
I rubbed my temples. “I don’t know what's real. I’m losing it. My past ... my life ... my brain is getting pried apart. I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Rikki sniffled and shook her head again and I saw a silvery tear hit the pillow next to me. I reached up and wiped her cheek with the back of my hand and pulled her down to me.
She rested her head on my shoulder and said softly, “What’s going to happen to our family?” and then she started to cry. I closed my eyes and held her, and the room swirled gently like white and dark chocolate intertwining in a warm pan.