Rikki was surprised to see me so soon. I told her what had transpired at Mosely’s and she took my face in her hands, kissed me, and hugged me close. Leif came out for a minute and filled her in on the details, quietly, so Kyle wouldn’t hear, and Rikki patted him on the hand and thanked him for watching out for us. My Rikki. A soft place to fall.
“Hey, Kylie,” she shouted into the family room. “Want to make cookies?”
“Yeaaah!” he shouted back excitedly, running into the kitchen. I heard someone inside say, “Cookies.”
Rikki got out the ingredients: flour, eggs, butter, chocolate chips, sugar, baking soda, salt, vanilla. She turned on the oven, pulled out a baking sheet and a blue glass mixing bowl, and started measuring. Kyle helped mix the batter and poured in the chocolate chips. I would have helped, wanted to, but I was slipping like sneakers on ice. The hospital, the plane, the airport, the kiss, Val’s, Mosely, Clay, Kyle running, playing, happy, the sound of the eggs sloshing, mixing, the chocolate chips. Mmm.
Shudder, switch, and Clay was out. “I-I like c-cookies.”
Everything stopped in mid-motion, like a freeze frame of Grand Central Terminal at five.
“Huh?” Kyle said, not sure what he’d heard.
Rikki started to say, “Cam,” but Clay was already answering. “I-I like c-cookies.”
“Dad?” Kyle looked at Rikki, frightened. “Mom? Why’s Dad talking like that?”
“Th-those are chocolate chips,” Clay said slowly, clenching and unclenching his hands.
“Daddy?” Kyle looked at me, but saw Clay—the tense body, downcast eyes. “Mommy!” he shouted, bursting into tears.
“Cam!” Rikki barked, sinking to the floor, throwing her arms around Kyle. Shudder, switch, and I was back.
“W-what?” I said, dazed, shaky, not quite certain what had transpired. I noticed Kyle was crying. “What’s wrong, Kylie?”
Kyle pulled away from Rikki and ran to me, clutching my leg. I knelt down and hugged him.
“What’s the matter, Daddy?” he asked, sniffling. “Why were you like that?”
“Daddy’s okay, honey,” Rikki said reassuringly.
I stroked his hair. He stopped crying. “Yeah,” I said. “Daddy’s okay.”
Rikki sat down on the floor and so did I. Kyle remained standing. Now he was the tallest, but not by much.
“Remember when Daddy yelled ‘stop it’ in our old house?” Kyle nodded. “Itchy was there.”
“Yeah. And we talked about what happened to him when he was little?”
Kyle nodded again. He leaned against me, put his hand on my shoulder and patted me gently, his eyes still on Rikki.
“Well, sometimes when Daddy thinks about those bad things that happened to him, he gets kind of far away, kind of different. He might just seem spaced out or he might talk funny. That’s what just happened a minute ago.”
“Well, why doesn’t he just keep not remembering?” Kyle asked.
Rikki spread her hands and shook her head. “I don’t know, sweetie.” She looked at me somberly. “He just ... can’t.”
“Well, I didn’t like it,” he said. “It scared me.”
“I’m sorry I scared you,” I said, trying to stay dialed in. I didn’t m-mean to scare him. It’s okay, Clay. It’s okay. Not your fault. Comfort Room. What about cookies? He can have one when Kyle’s out of the room. Aw, balls. Don’t say that, Bart. Everybody into the Comfort Room.
Kyle looked at me, his scared little face two inches from mine. “Don’t be like that again. Okay, Dad?”
I fought back a tear. “I’ll try not to.”
Rikki said, “Honey, if Daddy gets like that again all you have to do is call for him. Just say, ‘Dad’ or ‘Cam’ and he’ll come right back.” She looked at me grimly. “Won’t you, Dad?”
“Yeah,” I nodded and dredged up a big smile for him.
Kyle hugged my neck and then put his face right in front of mine again.
“Cam?” he said, trying to snap his fingers a couple of times. “You with me here? You okay?”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m with you, Kyle.”
“Okay,” he said, satisfied for the moment. He looked at Rikki with a big grin. “Can we bake the cookies now?”
Rikki smiled at him and stood up. “Sure,” she said, mussing his hair. “You can spoon ’em onto the cookie sheet.”
“And lick the bowl?”
“And lick the bowl.”
Inside I was crumpled in a heap at the bottom of a deep canyon. I dragged myself to a standing position and faked a smile. “Lickin’ the bowl’s the best part.”