The next morning I awoke leaden, draped in rags of utter confusion and despair. Acceptance and loss. Family inside and family outside. I couldn’t even discuss it with the others in the journal. I’d already begun to shut them out again and was snagged in a trap it seemed I’d set for myself, or God had set for me. I was sure of one thing: I’d screwed up badly and couldn’t get unscrewed by myself. Maybe Steve can help. Yeah, we’ll ask Steve to help. He can call Rikki and fix it somehow.
I blurted the whole thing out the second Steve closed the door, tears flowing, snot flying, arms waving, begging him to call Rikki and fix it.
“Cam,” he said calmly. “Of course, I’ll call her if you think it might help.”
“Oh, thank God. Thank you, Steve. Thank you.”
“But—”
“But what?” I said, panicked.
“But ... you need to tell me some things about Rikki.”
“Oh, okay, sure,” I said, breathing heavily. “What do you need to know?”
“First of all, I need to know if she accepts that you’re a multiple? Is she committed to you and your healing?”
I calmed down a little. “Rikki is wonderful,” I told him. “She’s the finest person I know. She’s been behind me all the way, and she’s always been good to my guys.”
“That’s very good.”
“Oh, shit, Steve.” Despair grabbed me by the throat and I started to cry again. “She’s gonna leave us for that guy, Andy. I’ve blown it and she’s gonna leave us for him. She’s—”
“But you just said she’s been behind you all the way,” Steve interrupted, confused.
“But there’s this guy, Andy. He’s a friend of hers. I think maybe she’s gonna leave us for him.”
“You mean leave you and Kyle, or—”
“No!” I shouted, jabbing my thumb at my chest. “Us! She’d never leave Kyle! She’s the best mother you ever saw!”
“What makes you think she’d leave you for Andy?”
I sniffled and wiped my nose on my sleeve. “I don’t know. She goes out to dinner with him. She swears they’re just friends, but—”
“You don’t believe her?”
I started to ramble. “Steve, I don’t want to lose her. Where are we gonna go? We can’t stay here forever. What’re we gonna do?”
Steve put his hand on my arm. “Cam,” he said firmly, “take a few deep breaths and listen to me.”
I took some breaths and waited for Steve to speak. Thoughts were zipping around my head like fireflies in a jar, bumping into each other, blinking on and off.
“Now,” Steve said, “I’ve got to tell you that I think you put Rikki in a very difficult spot last night.”
I shook my head hard, trying to stop the flies. “How? How’d I do that?”
“Kyle’s not quite nine, right?” he asked. I nodded.
“Cam, Rikki’s right. Kyle is too young to understand all of this.”
That startled me. “He is? But I thought—”
“What Clay and Per said on the video,” he said, “maybe we should have talked about that yesterday. Maybe I was wrong to put that off.” He leaned forward and leveled his gaze at me. “Cam, you put Rikki in a spot where she had to choose between comforting you and protecting Kyle.” He spread his hands. “She did the obvious thing any loving mother would do.”
“Oh, shit,” I said. “What do we do?”
Steve sat back. “We try to find some middle ground.”
All the flies were glowing now. “Oh Jesus, Steve,” I pleaded. “Call her. Please call her and see if there’s some middle ground. Right now. Please.”
“Okay. Is she at home now?”
“No, she’s at work. I know the number.”
Steve picked up the receiver, then put it back down. “Cam,” he said, “I don’t know what’s happening between Rikki and Andy, and it’s not really my place to ask. If she is actually thinking of leaving you for him, I can’t stop it and neither can you. What I can do is talk to her about you and your guys. Explain some things to her.” He picked up the phone again. “Do you have that number?”
I fed it to him as he dialed. I sat in that crummy steel chair, gripping those bile-green vinyl armrests I knew so well, hoping with all my soul that Rikki would be there and that Steve Sawyer could somehow change my fate.
“Rikki West’s office,” Janine answered. “How may I help you?”
Steve told her his name and asked to speak with Rikki. In a few sweaty seconds she picked up.
“Dr. Sawyer?” she asked, concerned. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes,” he said. “Everything’s all right. Cam is with me now, and he feels that by speaking with you directly I may be able to help clarify some things.”
“Dr. Sawyer ...”
“Call me Steve.”
“Steve,” she said icily. “I support Cam totally, but there is no way in the world I am going to put an eight-year-old boy in the position of trying to fully comprehend his father’s condition. It’s hard enough for me to grasp. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing you can say that’ll change my mind. I’ve been very careful to give Kyle the information he needs and that he’s asked for, based on what I feel he can understand at his age and level of development. And I don’t believe that at this point in his life he needs to play Monopoly with Clay.”
“Rikki,” Steve said, “I agree with you completely.”
“What?”
“I said I agree with you completely.”
There was a pause on the line. Rikki’s tone softened. “You do?”
“Yes,” Steve said emphatically. “I agree with you that Kyle is too young.”
“I’m confused,” Rikki said. “Then why did you call me?”
“Because Cam realizes that he put you in an awful position last night—”
“The worst.”
“Yes, and it’s partially my fault.”
“Your fault?”
“Yes. You see, on the videotape he made of his alters, Clay said something about not wanting Kyle to be afraid of him, and Per mentioned that he felt Cam should do something about that. I made the judgment call not to address that issue in yesterday’s session, to focus instead on Cam’s denial. I didn’t anticipate that he might jump to the conclusion that Kyle should meet his alters. Believe me, Cam’s got a lot on his plate right now.”
“Oh, I know.”
“And I understand why he said that to you, and why his alters would want Kyle to meet and accept them.”
“So do I,” Rikki said. “I understand that, too. And maybe eventually Kyle will meet them. But he’s too young to handle it now. He can’t even tolerate when Cam switches, even without knowing the alters. I think that would put him over the edge.”
“I agree,” Steve said. “From what I understand, Cam’s alters go back inside whenever Kyle gets scared and calls for Cam to come back.”
“That’s right. They do,” Rikki said. “Every time.”
Steve said, “Rikki, do you realize how incredible that is? That means they’re willing to subjugate their own desire to be out in order to put Kyle at ease. That in itself shows a selflessness and an ability to cooperate that’s way beyond that of most of the multiples that I’ve worked with. It’s amazing, actually.”
“That never occurred to me,” Rikki said. “I just saw Kyle being scared.”
“Of course. That’s natural. But you should understand and appreciate how difficult that must be for Cam’s alters ... what a strain it must put on him to have to disappoint them like that, and how that must contribute to his difficulty in accepting them himself ... accepting that he is, in fact, a multiple.”
Steve and Rikki were silent for a moment. I rocked back and forth, hugging myself, aching to know what she was thinking. Sweat poured out of me, stinging my eyes. I blinked hard, but it didn’t help. There was nothing I could do so I just kept rocking, grateful Steve was there to pry up the boulders where the big snakes hid.
Rikki said, “I’ve never even considered how hard it must be for them to have to switch in when Kyle calls for him. Cam doesn’t tell me. I’m just this minute grasping how that must work on him.” She was quiet for a few seconds. “I’d give anything if he could get better.”
“Rikki,” Steve said, “I think he can.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I do. With your help and the help of his alters, I think in time he can heal and lead a pretty normal life.”
“Really?” Rikki said.
“Really.”
There was silence for a moment. “You know, Steve,” Rikki said, her voice full of emotion, “it’s been a long time since anyone’s reminded me that Cam could actually get better. You really think he can?”
“I do,” Steve said with conviction. “And there’s a way you could help, if you’d be willing to.”
Boy, did I want to hear what she said to that. “Of course I would,” Rikki said.
“What if you agreed to spend time with Cam’s alters, say, in the evening after Kyle’s gone to bed. Give them some time out in the house. Help them feel accepted ... not just by saying they are, but by being with them. In exchange, we could ask them to wait until Kyle gets a little older before they meet him.”
I was jumping out of my skin, but I kept mum.
“What I’d like to do, Rikki,” Steve continued, “is talk with Cam’s alters, in particular with Clay and the other young ones, and see if they’d be willing to kind of watch out for Kyle ... be his protectors, and know that you’ll be their friend and protector ... after Kyle goes to bed and when he’s not around.”
“Steve, that’s an excellent idea,” Rikki said excitedly. “I’d be happy to spend time with Cam’s guys. I’d do it every night. I’d do just about anything if I could be sure Kyle would be totally okay when I’m not at home. Will they agree to it?”
“I believe they will.”
“Steve, you have no idea how relieved I am that you called,” Rikki said. “I’m putting you up for sainthood.”
Steve laughed. That was a good sign. A very good sign. Suddenly the world was in color again. Inside, Clay was telling Per yes, he’d do that, be Kyle’s protector, and Switch was saying the same thing, and Wyatt, too, puffing their chests like they were the new sheriffs in town. And Dusty was even saying she’d like to be able to talk with Rikki. I heard Bart say, “Night time is the right time,” and Leif said, “Keep your eye on the road, pal,” and Bart said, “Lighten up, Leif, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Rikki said, “Thank you, Steve. Thank you so much.”
Steve smiled broadly. “You’re welcome, Rikki. Good luck to you. Would you like to talk to Cam now?”
“Very much,” she said.
“Okay,” Steve said. “I’ll put him on.” He took the receiver from his ear and looked over at me. “Rikki would like to talk with you.”
Adrenaline shot through me and I felt faint for a second. Steve spotted it and told me to take a couple of deep breaths. I did, and it calmed me down some. I put my hand out and he passed me the phone. It felt warm where he’d been holding it.
“Hello?” I said cautiously.
“Hi, Cam,” Rikki said, and there was sweetness in her voice. My Rikki. “You heard what Steve said?”
“Yes.”
“Does it seem workable for you and your guys?”
“Yes, Rik, it does.”
She said, “I promise to talk with everybody at night after Kyle’s gone to bed.”
“Oh God, Rik,” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “That’d be wonderful.”
She said, “I want everyone inside to know that I’ll appreciate it tremendously if they’ll kind of watch out for Kyle and go in when he’s around, at least until he’s old enough to understand a little better. And I’ll be their friend and will talk to them when he’s not around, even if it’s during the day. Okay?”
Then Clay switched out and said in his little voice, “Okay. L-Like a sheriff, right, Rikki? To watch out for Kyle.”
Rikki laughed. “Yup, Clay. Just like a sheriff.”
Clay switched back in and I came out. We were quiet for a few seconds while I worked up the nerve to ask her the big question. I swallowed hard.
“Rikki,” I said carefully, “are you going to leave us for Andy?”
There was a desperate silence while I held my breath. And then Rikki said softly,
“No, Cam. I’m not. I love you. All of you.”
And suddenly the harps glissandoed and the sun came out and birds started singing and balloons went up and Julie Andrews spun around and the hills were alive and so was I. I could breathe again. I believed her.
“Rik?”
“Yeah, Cam?”
“Your Buns in Space man’s coming home.”
* * *
Andy picked up on the first ring. “Andy Grumman.”
“Hey there.”
Andy knew immediately. “You’re not coming,” he said. After a pause Rikki said, “No ... I’m not coming.” Andy sighed. “You love him, don’t you,” he said sadly.
“You know I do,” she said. “I always have.”
They were both silent for a moment and then Rikki said, “Andy, I think Cam’s going to get better. I actually think he can recover from this.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” she said excitedly. “I spoke with his therapist at the hospital and he said that, in time, Cam could have a normal life. We could have a normal life.”
“Aw, Rikki,” Andy said. “That’d be great.”
Neither of them spoke for a moment, the warm connection between them palpable. Andy broke the silence. “You can’t break up your family.”
“No,” Rikki said. “I could never do that. Never. It’s been broken up enough.”
“Yeah,” Andy said sadly. “I never had a chance. I always knew it.”
Rikki didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. There was a heavy silence on the line while they dwelled in their own thoughts.
Then Andy said, “Well ... I guess we won’t be seeing so much of each other anymore, huh?”
“Sure we will, Andy. We’re friends,” Rikki said, but she knew it didn’t matter.
“Friends,” Andy repeated, with a sigh that filled the sails of a ship that was leaving for good.
After a moment Rikki said, “Andy?”
“Yeah, Rik?” Andy said.
Rikki opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, and in the silence that followed the ship sank below the horizon.
Andy said, “Don’t say it, Rik. Just say goodbye.”
With a tear in her voice Rikki said, “Goodbye, Andy.”