part0013

‘What do you think went wrong?’ I wondered aloud. It was the question that was burning me deep inside. ‘Why did she ditch me?’ I muttered, trying to light a cigarette, the very first time in my life. My eyes were moist, my hands were trembling, and my lips were trying hard to hold the damn cigarette that I was unable to light.

It was around 3 in the morning. Mahesh and I sat on the thick boundary wall built with huge chunks of stones some thirty feet above the howling waves of the sea, in Mumbai. The giant Gateway of India stood tall to our left, the historic Taj Mahal Palace Hotel on our back, and the dark endless Arabian Sea right in front of our eyes.

After the fateful meeting with Tara and listening to her declaration, I could not find enough strength to go back home and bid farewell to my parents. I did not want them to see me like that—broken and full of tears.

The same evening, I took a bus back to Mumbai and decided to never ever see that brutal city again.

I loved Indore. Having my family, my friends and my love—all in the same city, I had begun to see the place as a paradise. The city had given me everything that one could ask for.

But it had begun to haunt me now.

‘Don’t light it—please.’ Mahesh snatched the cigarette from my lips. I was rather expecting him to light it for me and force the smoke down my throat, but he surprised me.

‘Look who’s talking.’

‘Because I know what it is,’ he said. A deep concern reflected in his tone. ‘Once you develop a habit for this deadly smoke—it will be very tough to give it up. It will suck the life out of you and make it worse.’

‘Worse than this?’ I gave a humorless laugh that made his face turn morose. Snatching the cigarette back, I successfully lit it in the third attempt.

Slowly, and overdramatically, I took my first drag, deep down the lungs—and I coughed my ass off immediately.

‘Stop it,’ Mahesh roared. He took the burning cigarette from my hand—I was still coughing—and threw it away. I saw the cigarette take a deep arc and plunge into the sea. ‘I understand what you are going through. I know it is not easy for you. You loved her—but it’s over now. You have to move on. You have to forget her,’ he insisted on each word.

‘Forget her? It is love—not some bloody computer file that can be deleted by a click,’ I said. ‘I wonder how she could forget me so soon.’

‘She made it clear to you, right? She never loved you. It was just an infatuation for her. And it is common at this age—not a big deal,’ his tone was so casual that I felt an urge to push him down the wall, into the sea.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down, deep enough to suppress the urge to push him.

‘If it was just an infatuation, she should not have committed to me. She said she wanted to be with me forever.’ I took another cigarette out of the packet of Marlboro Hard and lit it. This time, I took a slow and cautious drag, slowly inhaling the smoke, closing my eyes. That was my first successful puff.

It filled my mouth with a disgusting taste. But, it somehow made me feel good. I wondered why! It gave me a deep satisfaction, as if that harshly bitter taste was worth.

The way Tara had cheated on me had disturbed me to the core. It was not just about our breakup—there was something more to it. She had not just broken my heart, she had actually killed my ability to trust anyone again. She made me feel like my life was nothing but a big sham—a massive lie. I considered her an innocent, emotional little girl. But she turned out to be something totally opposite.

I had begun to see myself as an idiot—a loser. It was the first time in my life that I felt that guys like Mahesh and many other friends of mine who changed partners like their clothes were better. And I—was a fool , a stupid emotional fool.

My philosophy of life was undergoing major changes.

‘You know what? Only a woman can heal the wounds given by a woman,’ Mahesh suggested after a long pause.

‘The fuck that mean?’

‘It means—move on. Get a girlfriend. And don’t think about that life-long love crap again. Just get into something casual. You know what I mean, right?’

Had Mahesh said that few days ago, I would have avoided it considering he was bullshitting again. But after the Tara episode, I felt like he was talking sense.

To be honest, the fact that Tara went to a flat with some other guy and they had sex there—while we were still into a relationship—was making me more restless than the fact that she had left me. Every time I imagined it, my blood pressure shot up, my heartbeat increased, and I was filled with disgust.

‘I am feeling sick,’ I choked. The cigarette slipped through my fingers. I looked down the sea and grabbed my head. ‘Fuck! I don’t know what to do? Why did she do this to me?’

‘Enough. That’s enough,’ Mahesh roared. Although his voice was muffled by the waves, it was too loud to turn a few heads to us. We were not alone there. In a city like Mumbai, you are never alone anywhere. ‘You are acting as if your world has ended. You are not the only person in this world who has had a breakup. Stop this bullshit now.’

No matter how betrayed I felt, he was right. Breaking up with partner or being cheated in love is not something very uncommon. Almost everyone faces it. But then, everyone is a different person. Everyone has a different version of love. For me, love was something that would only happen once in the lifetime—back then.

‘Why the hell are you shouting at me? It was not my fault. I loved her. I trusted her. And I was honest in the relationship. It was she who cheated—not I.’

Mahesh was silent. He was perhaps done with me.

I too remained silent for the next few minutes. And then, I looked down. My eyes fixated at the strong waves of the sea hitting the stone wall hard below us. They seemed compelling. My ears concentrated on the thunderous noise they made over and over again. My senses lost somewhere.

The howling waves seemed rather welcoming and peaceful that moment. I closed my eyes—and without any further thoughts, I jumped .

‘Woke up, idiot?’ I heard Mahesh’s voice the moment I stirred. His words forced my eyes open. I felt terribly numb and weak. There was a heaving pressure on my chest and I felt tied up. The first thing that caught my eyes was a drip attached to my hand.

I was in the bed at my cousin’s flat in Powai. How did I come here? I gradually remembered what I had done. Damn it! I must have almost drowned. Last night’s happenings flashed before my eyes.

Seconds after I took that foolish jump, Mahesh too jumped after me—to save me. He knew I was a horrible swimmer and there was no way I could have swum back to shore in that tide.

Some fishermen playing cards in their boats jumped along as well. The strong waves were enveloping me rapidly, but it took the fishermen and Mahesh five odd minutes to pull me out of the water.

That is all remembered. I had fainted after that.

My eyes then fell on Kamna. Dressed in a miniskirt and a sleeveless top—as always—she sat in a chair next to the bed. I closed my eyes immediately and pretended to be asleep again. ‘What is this, Kunal? Are you this insane,’ she scolded me in her same dramatic high-pitched voice. I opened my eyes and looked at her. ‘That girl is not worth it. You cannot throw away your life for her.’ Her voice held a deep concern for me—and I did not like it.

I turned to Mahesh, throwing a pissed-off look at him. Of course, he was the one who told her about Tara’s betrayal. Who else could it be?

‘Thank God, you are safe.’ Kamna got closer and caressed my head lovingly. Her hands were soft and warm. Her eyes were filled with affection and care. I could see it.

How I wished it was Tara.

‘I will get you some coffee. You will feel better,’ Kamna spoke affectionately, placing her hand on my cheek. If it was Tara’s, I would have held it and kissed it.

‘I had no idea you are such a coward fuck. That was insane. You simply jumped!’ Mahesh yelled rubbing the burning end of his cigarette in a stainless steel plate as soon as Kamna left the room.

‘You are—’ I started, but he cut me off.

‘Suicide is for weak people, brother,’ he explained in a rather calm tone, but this time, I had to interrupt him, because he was under a wrong assumption.

‘Excuse me . . . it was not a suicide attempt,’ I clarified.

‘Then mind explaining what the fuck was that?’ he demanded pulling a fresh cigarette and lighting it. He looked so macho doing it; I wondered how I looked while taking my first drag.

‘If I had to commit suicide I would not have jumped in your presence.’ I tried to get up, but could not. I felt a strong pain in my back. Mahesh rushed to help me. ‘Trust me, dude. I have no desire to die. And that jump was not meant for dying.’ I was not lying. I was broken, I was lost, but I never thought of suicide as an option.

I was not that weak.

‘Then why did you jump—to measure the depth of that fucking sea?’ He definitely did not buy my story.

‘I jumped because . . . because I felt like jumping,’ I replied, honestly. Even I had no proper explanation for why I did something so stupid. I was depressed and the sea looked like an option to free myself from all the sorrows. I know it was a stupid logic. I know it sound senseless. But it was truth. I had nothing else in my mind while jumping off.

‘Your explanation is ridiculous,’ Mahesh argued.

‘So is love,’ I replied with a smile.

‘Alright. Cut the crap,’ he said as Kamna walked back with a mug of hot coffee.

To be honest, her presence was making me uncomfortable. The way she looked at me was odd—it held a sympathy for me. And I hated it. Or was it because of the fact that I boasted so much about Tara in front of her and was finally proven to be dumb? Or was it because I denied Kamna’s proposal and she would now be like—Oh, so you chose her over me . . . serves you right, loser.

Whatever! My own hypothesis irritated me further and I finally requested Kamna to leave, though politely.

She looked at Mahesh helplessly, and then, back to me. ‘Please . . .’ I requested again, almost begged.

‘Okay. Take care. And for God’s sake please don’t do anything stupid again,’ she said spreading her hand over my forehead. She looked at me with those poor boy expressions again and walked out. Before leaving, however, she turned to wave a goodbye and I saw tears shining in her eyes.

This is what I hate about love—it is the most illogical phenomenon in the world. You fall in love with someone who ultimately treats you like a piece of shit. And then, you fail to develop feelings for the one who actually deserves them!

‘That girl loves you,’ Mahesh said in an enraged tone after Kamna was gone.

‘I know,’ I heard sympathy for Kamna in my own voice.

‘And still you misbehave with her?’ He paused for a reply from me. I had no reply. He spoke again, ‘Do you even know she is here since morning? She saw me with the taxi driver carrying you to the flat—and she panicked. I told her you were fine, but she didn’t take my word. She called a doctor and got you examined. She even skipped her classes—for you, dammit.’

‘I will thank her.’ I had no other words to say.

‘I can’t believe this.’ Mahesh held his head in his hands and walked towards the window. After gazing into the sky for minutes, he spoke again, ‘You should cherish this girl. She is the one who will make you happy.’ There was an immediate raise in his pitch, ‘Stop going crazy for that bitch who cheated you and start a new life with Kamna.’

‘Give Kamna a chance,’ he stressed.

‘I don’t love Kamna and I cannot commit to her,’ I made myself clear. ‘I agree that she loves me. But I don’t. Is it too hard to understand?’

‘Then love her, dammit,’ he yelled and walked back to me. ‘Start a new life with her. She loves you. She is beautiful. She is perfect. And isn’t it true love that you want?’

Mahesh mouthed a fuck before turning away. I remembered seeing similar expressions on Hari’s face when he tried to convince me to move on from Tara and I kept on repeating that I loved her.

I realized I was disappointing a lot of close ones with my stupid behavior. Well—I was disappointing my own self too.

‘Mahesh . . . try to understand, brother,’ I said in a low, convincing voice. ‘I cannot be in a new relationship when I am still not over the earlier one.’

‘You are impossible.’ He grabbed the mug of coffee that Kamna had left on the side table and brought it to me. ‘Take this. You need it—along with some brains.’

‘This is not what I need . . .’ I slowly pulled the needle of the drip out of my arm. It was excruciatingly painful. The puncture in my hand started to bleed. I pressed it hard to prevent it from bleeding further. Mahesh was looking at it in a disgusted way. He looked too sickened to speak.

Leaving the bed, I walked—rather dragged myself—to the mini bar of my cousin in the drawing room. Mahesh followed me.

Scanning through various bottles of alcohol, I picked one up. It read JOHNNIE WALKER BLACK LABEL.

‘This is going too far.’ Mahesh was certainly displeased.

‘Were you not the one who told me, “One day when you understand that you were living a lie. One day when you see your biggest dream shattering into pieces. That day you will need a drink . . .” Cheers, bitch. Today is that day.’

I took a good look at the bottle. It was whiskey—scotch.

‘Alright then . . . start with Vodka,’ Mahesh offered and gave me a quick alcohol 101 lesson.