10
Cultivate connections and exchange value
I was working with a client, Anthony. We were due to have one of our monthly mentoring meetings but there had been a mistake in our diaries — Anthony was in the city waiting for a face-to-face meeting while I was sitting in my office in the Northern Beaches of Sydney waiting for a virtual hangout. Yikes!
Only the previous week I had introduced Anthony to one of my 12 key people, my Cheerleader, Kieran. As our mentoring session was about to kick off, he bumped into Kieran.
‘Hi Kieran,' said Anthony. ‘I'm on my way to meet Janine.'
‘Great,' said Kieran. ‘I'll come up and surprise her.'
At this point, I called Anthony and we discovered the mistake. But then the magic happened.
‘Why don't I stay and do the mentoring session?' offered Kieran. ‘I've got an hour to spare.'
Win–win. Anthony ended up having us both in on the conversation — one face to face and one on the phone. As Anthony put it, ‘I don't think I know anyone who would step in like that for me.'
So who has your back? Who in your network would step in for you?
This is a great example of the power of connection. And this is the network you are aiming for. You know when you've got it down pat: when you've cultivated the right relationships, this mutual value exchange happens organically and naturally.
Networking is a shared experience. It is based on an exchange of mutual value.
A couple of years ago, someone else in my network was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed emergency surgery. During one of our conversations, she shared that she had some client commitments and training programs that she needed to run. They were new clients and she didn't want to let them down.
‘Don't worry. Leave it with me,' I said. ‘I'll find someone to fill in for you.'
I rang around my Nexus and found two of my 12 key people to step in and cover the sessions. Just because they could and they cared.
This is the type of relationship you need to cultivate with your network.
Now you're clear on why you're networking and how to approach connections with the right intention, you need to make sure you offer value in exchange.
Cultivating your relationships takes you to the tipping point between networking that is mildly effective and networking that works exponentially. When you network with conviction, sure of who you are and what you know, willingly sharing information and insights that matter to others, the following happens:
- Opportunities are created.
- Value is exchanged.
- Influence is increased.
- Connections become transformational.
So when it comes to cultivating your connections, the question to ask yourself is who are you really and what are you really giving? Are you bringing your full self to the conversation or hiding parts of yourself? Are you entering into a conversation with a genuine interest in who you are meeting and what you can do for them? What are you offering in exchange?
There are 10 secrets to cultivating your connections for successful networking:
- First impressions count.
- Confidence matters.
- Speak up to be heard.
- Listen to be present.
- Become an action taker.
- Exchange value.
- Identify yourself.
- Be memorable.
- Follow your energy.
- Keep your network alive.
Let's take a look at each one in more detail.
1. First impressions count
From when I started school, I distinctly remember my parents drilling into me the importance of making the right first impression. Shoes were always shined, hair brushed, clothes ironed and nails clean. Now, as a parent, I do the same with my children.
The importance of a making the right first impression cannot be overestimated, because first impressions influence later impressions. James Uleman, a professor of psychology at New York University and researcher on impression management, explains: ‘You don't get a second chance to make a first impression. In spite of the congeniality of many professional gatherings, judgments are being made and impressions formed all the time.' He adds, ‘The impression you create may affect future job opportunities, collaborations or other important matters.'
In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell suggests that our first impressions usually are fairly accurate and stand the test of time. ‘It is a central part of what it means to be human,' Gladwell writes.
We thin-slice whenever we meet a new person or have to make sense of something quickly or encounter a novel situation. We thin-slice because we have to, and we come to rely on that ability because there are lots of situations where careful attention to the details of a very thin slice, even for no more than a second or two, can tell us an awful lot.
So what's the first impression your network has of you?
Professional? Intelligent? Ambitious? Lazy? Sloppy? Disinterested?
Whether we like it or not, appearance is our first filter — whether in person or online. Everything on the outside contributes to others' initial impression of you. So make it a good one. My mum would say, ‘Polish your shoes, dress appropriately, iron your shirt, press your pants … ' Take control, because first impressions matter.
2. Confidence matters
I have a confession to make: I am a fan of the reality TV show The Voice. I love following the contestants' journey from their first audition to the wow moment of ‘where have you been hiding that talent'. We see them shine as they progress through each round, gaining in confidence as they perform, their dreams getting closer and closer to that end goal. The stories of self-belief, determination and resilience are inspiring, and the energy is infectious.
This journey hinges on confidence. And confidence is infectious. If, as a shop owner or app creator, you could sell confidence over the counter then it would make you millions.
Think about the number of times you have been in a restaurant or a meeting or a presentation, and that person walks in. The one who effortlessly grabs everyone's attention. They aren't necessarily trying to capture anyone's glance, yet they look as though they are moving with their own personal cheerleading squad and everyone wants a piece of their attention — including you.
Call it an aura, call it presence. In my mind it boils down to one thing: confidence. The confidence of knowing who you are, what you want and where you are going in life, in your career or in your business direction. The confidence to think, walk and talk with positivity and self-belief.
Confidence is about understanding yourself inside and out. What's your purpose? Your passion? It's knowing your talk, walking it and then being willing to share that with others from a place of generosity and authenticity.
Being confident is also acknowledging when you don't know something, showing your softer and more vulnerable side, and being willing to say, ‘I have no idea what's happening here' or ‘I don't know what to do here'.
But there are ways of giving our confidence a workout, and the more we work it the stronger our confidence levels will become. In ‘Use It or Lose It: The Science Behind Self-Confidence' (Forbes, 26 February 2015), Margie Warrell says, ‘The good news is that new research into neural plasticity reveals that we can literally rewire our brains in ways that affect our thoughts and behavior at any age.'
She goes on to share the following tips to rewiring your courage:
- Act as if you already possess the confidence you aspire to.
- Find your power pose. (For more on this check out Amy Cuddy's TED talk ‘Your body language shapes who you are' — it's brilliant!)
- Channel your heroes.
- Focus on what you want.
- Mentally rehearse and visualise success.
At the end of the day, you are the one who decides whether you are good enough. Nobody else. Self-confidence is essential if you want to become the best you can be and to connect with the right people in the right way. You can either be your own worst enemy or your own biggest cheerleader.
3. Speak up to be heard
How many times have you heard someone say, ‘Oh, but I didn't have a choice — nobody would have listened to me anyway'? So they simply went along with the flow in the boardroom, the small-talk chatter over networking drinks or the heated debate at the pointy end of a transaction?
How many times have you thought this yourself when it came to a big decision? I didn't really have a choice.
The truth is, we all have a choice. We can own our expertise, and share it openly with others, from a place of wanting to add value and to engage. Or we can sit comfortably silent, keeping our knowledge and insight to ourselves, waiting to be asked.
Worst of all, we can get frozen in the no-man's-land of no self-confidence. Why would anyone be interested in what I have to say?
Your opinion does matter. Your thoughts, insights and knowledge matter. You have a voice — use it.
You matter because when you own your voice and speak up, you become an integral part of driving change. Change is vital for you yourself and for others you are connecting and building a network with. Networking, after all, must be a two-way street, an exchange of information between two people, and if you don't speak up then you've chosen to take the one-way street to nowhere.
Your personal success is there to be created if you speak up willingly, openly and with honest and full disclosure. Too often people sit back and say nothing when something needs to be said. They may have an idea that contradicts mass opinion, or an insight that will add to group understanding, but instead of speaking up they remain silent.
If you don't speak out, you are not showing willingness to have courageous conversations with your network. You are avoiding the opportunity to contribute what matters to the collaborative experience. You are not creating the space to gift your knowledge, thoughts, opinions or expertise to others. You are not enabling an opportunity for others to listen, learn and add value to your thoughts. You are not sharing the insight and information that matter to your circle of influence.
In the words of Vera Nazarian, author of The Duke in His Castle, ‘Yawns are not the only infectious things out there besides germs. Giggles can spread from person to person. So can blushing. But maybe the most powerful infectious thing is the act of speaking the truth.'
Use your voice. Be an engaged part of your network. Change your game and speak up!
4. Listen to be present
Multitasking is seen as an art form these days with communication merely an exchange of information. True connection, the meeting of minds, and the mastery of networking, of actually being present not just in body but also in attentiveness, means switching off from multitasking. Listening is twice as important when it comes to networking.
When you are engaged in conversation are you truly listening or are you rubbernecking, checking out who else is in the room or what other people are doing? Are you focusing on the conversation at hand or listening with one ear, with the other on another conversation? Are you actually there in body but thinking about other things — the to-do list you left at the office, that email you must send later, what you are going to have for dinner? Or are you so in your own head that you are focused on thinking about what you are going to say next?
Building a network that works for you is about connection. Listening is an essential part of connection. And listening plus connection creates understanding and opportunity.
Sean Kim, founder of the Growth List, emphasises this distinction: ‘The truth is, most of us are hearing to respond, when we should be listening to understand.'
Effective listening is a skill that underpins all positive human connections. It's easy to get distracted when you are in a room with many others, but you must make a point of staying focused and present. It's about listening and watching for all the verbal and non-verbal clues. Make eye contact, concentrate and make a conscious decision to remove all distractions.
Show a genuine interest. It does not have to be, and actually should not be, always about you. When someone else is talking, really listen to them and resist the temptation to butt in. Just stop and listen. When they have finished talking, then it's your turn.
Listening builds trust. And when you really listen, people feel the connection; they sense the genuine interest you have in them and as a result they often become more open and more honest, sharing more information.
Listen to what people are really saying. Ask questions. Be curious about those around you and explore what is really going on. Take a moment to be interested, to check in. Get to know people — to really know them.
Only when we open our eyes and truly look can we see opportunity; only when we open our ears and truly listen can we hear opportunity; only when we open our minds and engage do we ‘see' others as they really are.
That is connection. That is networking.
5. Become an action taker
If you say you're going to do something, you must follow through and do it. That is a golden rule of networking that is absolutely non-negotiable when it comes to your own network of 12. When you have spent time with someone, engaging in conversation and exchanging value, then you must make sure your words align with your actions.
This is especially important with your 12 key people. Your ability to nurture your network, to leverage conversations, to constantly give back and deliver, will build the relationship over time. It's about building trust, belief and integrity.
The most important part of managing and nurturing your network is what you do after each meeting or connection. Following up sends the message that you are serious about the relationship, that you are proactive, respectful and willing to invest the time and the effort.
Irrespective of whether it's the first time you've met, a new contact you would like to nurture, or it's someone who is already part of your network, make sure to send them a thank you. This can be via email or you could go old school and send a handwritten note (something I love doing) or even make a phone call (I know, right!).
Thank them for their time, acknowledge what you found interesting about the conversation and consider what, if anything, you can send them that relates to what was discussed. This could be a white paper, an article of interest or the link to a TED talk, for example. If you have committed to an action, add this to your note to confirm that you have listened, heard, understood and are acting on it — that you can be depended on. It doesn't have to be long or formal — you are simply acknowledging the connection and conveying your appreciation of the time spent.
Make sure to connect with them on LinkedIn. Add them to your database, making a note of where you met them, what you talked about and any interesting snippets of information that you garnered.
Successful management of your network requires 100 per cent delivery on what you say you are going to do and any promises you made. Equally it requires you to take on board other people's suggestions — it is disrespectful to ignore them.
Did you offer to make an introduction? Did you commit to deliver an action item? Did you agree to send a sample of something you have been working on? Whatever you agreed to, make sure to follow up. Make the introduction, do the work and then send an update with the outcome.
Make sure to schedule a follow-up — this could be weekly, monthly or quarterly. It's important that you don't just connect when you want something. Connection, deep connection, is built over time. It's about building trust and belief. It's about giving and adding value to them and their lives first, and trusting that this investment will pay off in the development of more transformational connections.
6. Exchange value
Hopefully, by now you've realised that networking isn't about what you can get from someone else; it's about what you can offer in exchange. What do you know? Who do you know?
When you learn to share openly with others with no expectation of anything in return, then everyone benefits. This is the principle of value exchange — giving and taking information, products or services freely to benefit both parties. It's the two-way street of powerful networking.
Value exchange requires trust, faith and the ability to truly engage in conversation, to be switched on to the needs of others and to be curious about how you can help.
The question ‘What can I do to help you?' should be running on continuous rotation. And guess what? At the start of any relationship, more often than not you have to give more, making deposits for the future value of the connection.
Value exchange, the cross-fertilisation of intelligence and sharing of skills and knowledge, is the new currency. Collective thinking and active sharing of knowledge and ideas create new opportunities for all. No money changes hands. Each party involved gains knowledge, information and yes, eventually, perhaps even financial reward from their involvement, but the priority is the sharing of information, the connection that is made and the network that is built. The use of skills and thought as currency is something that is only going to increase in a future where knowledge means money.
We all have something to share and something to give. It could be job opportunities, business leads, a white paper, information to help fast-track decisions, a go-to-market opportunity — and of course an introduction between two parties, knowing that opportunities can be found within that connection.
What can you trade? What information do you have to share with your network? Offer to help. Be willing to help. Make connections that matter, share information that matters and foster a pay-it-forward relationship. Show your network that giving is as good as getting.
7. Identify yourself
We have spent a lot of time in this book talking about the 12 key people you need in your network, but which of those people do you think you are? Which of the 12 personality types do you relate to? Are you often sharing information with others, making connections or kicking people's butts?
As we touched on in the previous chapter, you will play different roles for different people at different times in their life. You may be a Mentor for one, a Cheerleader for another and a Balancer for others. It's normal to wear multiple hats.
It probably won't surprise you to learn that I am naturally a networker and a Connector. I am always suggesting introductions between people and brokering information for mutual benefit. I often see connections before others have made them, and I usually whip out my smartphone and make an introduction there and then. Instant follow-up. Absolute action taker. But while I am a Connector for some, I know that I also play the role of Inspirer, Mentor or Teacher for others.
Knowing the role you play, or at least being curious about it and asking others in your network how you might help and what value you can add to them, is how you continue to pay forward in the cycle of value exchange.
Think about what value you are offering to others.
8. Be memorable
I was having lunch with a very good friend of mine and we were discussing innovation and thinking outside the box.
‘The challenge, Janine,' she said, ‘is that too many people are generic.'
And you know what? She is right. There is too much sameness and beigeness going on, with people doing and saying exactly what's expected, obsessed with keeping small talk the norm rather than engaging in interesting, insightful, sometimes maybe controversial conversation.
Conformity is not memorable and is not the key to success. Differentiation is. Matt Church, the founder of Thought Leaders Global, believes it's all about ‘becoming known for knowing something'.
Have the courage to own what is unique about you, what it is that you stand for, what problems you can solve, and above all keep investing in the mastery of your skill.
Become memorable by working your quirks, because we notice things that are different, unique, out of the ordinary. My good friend Dr Jason Fox is memorable not only for his thought leadership but also for his red hair and beard, his quirky sense of dress and mannerisms, just as Seth Godin is memorable for his bald head and glasses.
With so much information at our fingertips there is no excuse not to feed your personal intelligence bank continuously, whether through the latest news online or an inspirational TED talk or white paper. There is no excuse for being bland and boring.
In The Compound Effect, Darren Hardy discusses the concept of garbage in, garbage out. ‘If you want your brain to perform at its peak you've got to be more vigilant about what you feed it,' he says. Feeding our brains with mind-numbing sitcoms or reality TV shows is simply garbage in, he suggests:
all that drive time radio yak … drives your thinking process, which drives your expectations, which drives your creative output. That IS bad news. But just like a dirty glass, if you flush it with clean water … long enough, eventually you will end up with a glass of pure, clear water.
Hardy suggests that instead of garbage we should be feeding our brains strategies of success, inspirational stories, ideas for growth. This is what makes you interesting and memorable — the information you have, the ideas you share, the stories at your fingertips.
I have my own personal junk and inspiration filter. I watch very little TV, don't read newspapers or listen to the news. I have very select feeds so I can keep track of relevant news, I subscribe to some key publications that improve my knowledge, I treat myself to a coffee date every week when I either read a book abstract or watch a TED talk and I read — a lot!
So ask yourself what is influencing you? How are you feeding your ‘interesting and being memorable' bank?
9. Follow your energy
Sometimes you will feel de-energised and wish you were somewhere else — this is one of the biggest killers of conversation and connection. You aren't engaged or present so why should anyone be interested in talking to you?
It's important to understand where you get your energy from, where you can be your best and perform at your maximum capacity (whether you are an introvert or extrovert, as discussed in chapter 8).
As an extrovert you'll love the larger networking events where there is lots going on. You are inspired by the collective energy of the crowd and the noise, which will leave you feeling pumped and ready to take on the world. As an introvert you are more likely to be energised in small-group settings in a quieter location where you can engage in deeper, more thoughtful conversation.
There is no right or wrong. Or rather, the only wrong is constantly forcing yourself or being forced to do something you don't enjoy. Sure, sometimes we may just have to suck it up, but not all the time. If you feel drained and on edge, then no value can come from it. Work out what works for you and follow that — not someone else's program. Respect your natural disposition.
If you enjoy what you do you will be more energised and this will shine through. You will be more present and therefore get more value out of it. You have to love what you do to have a sense of being and a mission to achieve. When you have this, work becomes fun and you remain connected to what is going on around you.
If you are passionate about what you do, you will have unlimited energy and this in itself becomes contagious; you will naturally attract like-minded thinkers. ‘As you tap in to your inner networker,' says Devora Zack, ‘others will start gravitating towards you.'
10. Keep your network alive
Nurture your network and seek out opportunities to add value all the time.
Take the lead and expect nothing in return. If you continue to give in this way, then I promise you it will come back to you, in spades. You will boost your personal positioning and your reputation, and you will be seen as someone who is committed and invested in building relationships that matter.
You have the ability to influence one to one, many to many, more to more. Your team, your colleagues, your leaders, your children, their friends, your friends, your family; but true influence requires one critical thing: you must be you, be interested, be invested.
Regular communication drives this. Once again, don't just connect with the people that matter in your network when you want something. Take time to think about the key people in your network. What support could they do with right now? What are they working on that you might be able to help them with? What has been going on in their lives or work that you could perhaps drop them a line on to check their progress? Even a simple ‘How are you today?' might serve.
Building, nurturing and leveraging your networking is all about:
- actively promoting others
- engaging and making connection within and across networks
- driving support and sales opportunities for others
- not expecting anything in return
- constantly and consistently adding value to the relationship
- reaching out, asking for help and trusting them to provide you with support.
Be curious about the information you come across and new connections made. How could they help the 12 key people within your network? Have you read, seen or heard something that is worth sharing? What help do those in your network need right now that you can give? What can you do that signals appreciation for the support your key network gives you? Regularly and continuously adding value through communication is integral. Listen to others' dreams and willingly share what you know and who you know to support those dreams.
Only when we network in the right way by choosing, connecting and cultivating our relationships are we able to build networks that matter and that work.
Become known for your value system, integrity and ability to add value. Become known for knowing something. Become known as someone others want to know rather than as someone who continuously takes but doesn't give back.
Your network will fast-track your success, will transform you from the present to your future, will enable you to maximise your impact and drive your influence with those around you.