Sara bit her lip. She would not reveal what Elizabeth had said to her. She would not do that to Elizabeth or Ross.
“What did she say, Sara?”
“Nothing that I didn’t already know.”
He leaned his head against the closed door. “She’s wrong, you know.”
“She’s right. Nothing good can come from what we’re doing.”
He looked at her through half-closed lids, his lashes concealing his thoughts. She would have given her dowry to know what he was thinking. “Will you ever forgive me?”
“There is nothing to forgive.”
“There is everything to forgive.”
“Ross, I wanted it as much as you. I could have said no, and I know you would have stopped. I’m as much to blame as you. Next time…The next time I fear it will go farther, and that can’t happen.”
“That’s not what I meant. But…you want more?” A half smile lit his face, and his amber eyes smoldered in a way that turned her knees to jelly. She wanted to tell him not to look at her that way, but that was giving him ammunition he didn’t need.
His gaze raked her body. Her skin tingled and her limbs grew heavy. He saw. He knew what just a look from him did to her. Oh, she’d known it was a bad idea to bring him in here, to be alone with him in any way.
“What do you want my forgiveness for?” she asked in a desperate attempt to turn the situation around. If it continued like this, then they would end up on that settee again, and things would become more complicated than they already were.
“Do you want me?” he asked, his husky voice making her moist between her legs.
“You know I do.”
He pushed away from the door. Good sense prevailed and she backed up. She was retreating farther from the door and her escape route, but there was nothing she could do about it.
“God, Sara, I want you so badly it’s all I can think about. My body burns for you.”
“Stop,” she whispered. “This isn’t fair to either of us.”
He seemed to shake himself back to reality. His hands fisted at his sides and he looked away, blinking. “I hate this. I hate that I’m not good enough for you.”
She stilled. “What do you mean you’re not good enough for me?
His look was tortured. “I hate that you can never forgive me for what I did to Meredith.”
“What did you do to Meredith?” She was more confused than ever.
“I didn’t protect her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
“You blame yourself?”
“Of course I do. I should have stayed at the ball that night.”
“But she didn’t disappear from the ball. She left our house later that night.”
“What if I had stayed?” he asked.
“And what if I had talked to her more? What if I had gone to her room to check on her? I knew she wasn’t happy that night, but Meredith could be moody. I thought she was having one of her fits because you had left and she didn’t want you to. If I had checked on her after we returned home, maybe she would be alive today, and you and she would be married.” Sara’s stomach turned at the thought, and she hated herself for it. She didn’t want to think of Meredith and Ross together. She didn’t want to be jealous of Meredith, but she was. “You can’t live by what-ifs, Ross. My father did that, and it destroyed his marriage.”
“It was my job to protect her.”
“No, it wasn’t. Meredith did what she wanted to do. She was always like that. She could coerce anyone into anything. People adored her and she knew it, so she used that against them. I don’t want to speak ill of her, but that was the reality. I loved her, but there were times she thought only of herself. She liked to be entertained. She hated to be alone, and she surrounded herself with people who did her bidding.” There. She finally said it. She’d never said anything negative about Meredith before, but it was the reality of who Meredith was.
He leaned against the closed door again as if his legs couldn’t hold him up. “How is it you two are such opposites?”
She despised being compared to Meredith, to be pointed out as the boring one, the quiet one, the unattractive one. “I’m unlucky, I guess.”
Ross frowned. “What does that mean?”
“I’m well aware that I’m not Meredith.”
“And that makes you unlucky? You just told me she was spoiled and manipulative.”
“I didn’t mean it to sound so harsh. She was also loving and fun and wonderful to me. After my parents died, she eagerly accepted me into her home and never once made me feel unwelcome. We were best friends from that moment on.”
“You didn’t sound harsh. You were telling the truth. I saw all of that, and to be honest, there were times I was not pleased with her behavior. We fought that night. The night she disappeared.”
“I know. She told me. She said you didn’t want to stay at the ball and that sometimes you were no fun at all.” Sara smiled. “Her words, not mine.”
“She said the same to me.”
Sara tilted her head to the side and peered at him. “You always seemed to be happy around her.”
“How could one not be? She was contagious. Like an infection that burns inside you. I couldn’t get enough of her, but there were times I didn’t like myself when I was with her. And yet for all of that, I loved her.”
“I know,” she whispered, even though it hurt. She hated being jealous of Meredith. “I loved her, too.”
“What did my mother say to you?” he asked.
Sara sighed. They were back to that. He was like a dog with a bone, and he wasn’t going to let it go until she answered him. “She said that we are not suited. And she is right.”
“I disagree.”
“Ross. Please.”
“Why, Sara? Why do you believe that?”
“Look at me.” She swiped her hand down her body. “You said it yourself. I’m the complete opposite of her.”
“And that’s bad?”
“For you, yes.”
“Again, I disagree.”
She could not believe she was having this conversation with him. Must he force her to point out all of her faults, all the reasons why she was not good enough?
“The point is moot,” she said. “I have my father to take care of.”
“I think you use that as an excuse.”
“Pardon me?” Did he seriously believe that? He didn’t know her father, didn’t know how depressed he could become or how involved in his astronomy he could get. There were times when he forgot to eat, forgot to come out of the shack he had converted into his research building. If she left him, he would wither away to nothing. She was already feeling guilty for leaving him in the hands of the housekeeper for as long as she had.
“You use your father as an excuse to stay out of society.”
“Society did me no favors when I was in it.” Society had no room for a young girl who tripped over her tongue and couldn’t quickly come up with a witty retort.
“Society is stupid.”
She laughed, having told herself that many times to make herself feel better. “Agreed, but it is a necessity for you.”
“True. Why do you believe you are not good enough?”
“You will force me to say it?”
“Yes.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.”
She sighed. “I hate when you are correct.”
He smiled and she lost another part of her heart to him.
“I don’t like society. It makes me nervous to converse with people I don’t know. I never know what to say. I much prefer to stay home and read a good book. That is not someone you need by your side.”
“Don’t you think I should be the one to decide whom I want by my side?”
“By all means.” She was angry that he’d forced her to admit why she could never be his. “And while you do that, I will be residing with the Blackbournes. You can send updates to your investigation there.”
“I’m not finished with this conversation.”
“Well, I am.”
“I respectfully disagree.”
She sighed in exasperation. “What do you disagree with now?”
“That we don’t suit. I think we’ve proved differently.”
He was referring to what they had done on the settee and the kisses they had shared. The thought made her face heat in shame and need. “There is more to a marriage than that.”
One corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. “Your mind is going in the wrong direction, my lady. Although I like where it is going.”
She didn’t think it possible for her face to heat even more. “Can I please leave?”
“Absolutely not.”
“You cannot keep me here against my will.”
“I have no intention of doing any such thing. What I meant was that I think we suit.”
“Don’t toy with me,” she whispered, her heart breaking.
“Ah, Sara. I would never toy with you in such a way. You are the only woman I’ve ever been able to speak openly to. With you, I don’t have to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to be the Duke of Rossmoyne. I can simply be Gabriel Ferguson. I like that.”
She blinked the sudden tears that built in her eyes. He was giving her hope, and she hated that. Hope was more destructive than anything else because it hurt the worst.
“Your mother thinks I’m not good enough for you.”
His lips thinned. “She said that?”
“No. But I know that is what she meant.”
“So now you can read minds?”
“I can read people. I do a lot of that when I’m sitting alone at balls.”
“Come here, Sara.”
He held out his arms, and as much as she longed to go to him and nestle against him, she didn’t move. There was that evil emotion hope again.
“If you don’t come to me, I’ll come to you. Either way you’ll end up in my arms.”
“You’re toying with me again.”
“Never. Stop saying that. It angers me that you would think that of me.”
“I don’t want to hope,” she whispered as a lone tear traveled down her cheek.
“Your tears break my heart.”
She wiped them away, having no desire to break his heart. One broken heart was enough between them.
A knock on the door broke the moment. Ross stepped away. The door opened and in swooped Elizabeth. “Ross—” She stopped short and put her hand over her eyes. “Oh, dear Lord.”
“Mother,” Ross said between clenched teeth.
Elizabeth looked at them both in disappointment. “This will not end well.”
“Stop, Mother. This is none of your concern.”
“This is definitely my concern. Lady Sara is here—”
“Enough!”
Sara jumped at Ross’s angry outburst. She hated that she was the cause of disagreement between son and mother. “Your Grace, I was informing Rossmoyne that I will be moving out this afternoon and residing with my good friend the Countess of Blackbourne.”
Instead of looking relieved, the duchess studied Sara closely. She opened her mouth to say something, then must have thought better of it, for she closed it again and looked at her son.
Ross was watching Sara with a tortured expression and a plea in his eyes that Sara had to turn away from. She could not let him sway her. As his mother said, no good could come of this. Ross refused to believe it now, but in time he would.
“There are visitors,” Elizabeth said. “Lady Penelope and her mother have come calling. It would be nice if you were to visit with them, Ross.”
Ross groaned. “Please, Mother. No.”
“Yes. They are waiting.” She turned to Sara. “Lord Henderson and Lord Newport have come to see you, Sara.”
“Me?” The word sounded like a dreadful squeak, and Sara put a hand to her chest. Certainly no one had come to visit her.
“Yes, you. I would ask that you entertain them, seeing as they are here for you.”
Sara glanced at Ross, whose stormy expression didn’t bode well for Lord Henderson or Lord Newport. And poor Lady Penelope. If he looked at Sara like that, she would run screaming from the house.
“I have to finish packing,” she said in an effort to avoid the two lords below. She had no interest in socializing with them. None at all. It got to be so awkward. Long silences when she searched for something interesting to say and came up with nothing but the weather. How mundane. She would rather fold her clothes.
Elizabeth held her hand out. “Come, dear, let us have some tea with our visitors.”