Silas didn’t speak as he accompanied Rose to see Mary and the new baby. So far, all of her attempts at conversation had resulted in grunts and stony silence. Rose wasn’t even sure why he’d come if he was going to be so disagreeable.
“Did I say something to offend you?” she finally asked, pulling the shawl around her shoulders a little tighter.
“No.”
When he didn’t elaborate, Rose didn’t press the issue. It had never been so difficult to talk to Silas, but it seemed like the distance between them continued to grow. Especially after this morning’s conversation.
“I’m sorry for how I treated you earlier. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I know you were just trying to help with Matthew. You’re good with him, and I don’t give you enough credit for that.”
Still, he said nothing.
She supposed it was for the best. What would their easy conversation accomplish? A deeper connection? Letting him into her heart again? And then what? Rose could never love Silas the way she once had. She still wasn’t sure she could love him at all.
As a friend, she supposed, but trusting him with her whole heart?
Rose sighed. Distance between them was a good thing, especially since she was in charge of Milly’s care. Nannies didn’t have deep friendships with their employers. Well, Polly had, but she and Mitch falling in love was different from Rose and Silas.
So why was she, once again, trying so hard to get him to open up to her, to feel something deeper than what he felt? Pursuing a deeper friendship with Silas was a bad idea, because once again, she’d be pushing for something that only she wanted. And truly, she didn’t want that anyway.
What Rose wanted, what she needed, was a man who felt the same way about her that she did about him. Madly, deeply, passionately, in love.
Not a man who could kiss her with passion, declaring his love for her, then go off and marry someone else days later.
That wasn’t love, but a baser emotion that led people astray. The trouble was, Rose had settled for those baser emotions too many times, and now she wasn’t sure she’d know what love was if she found it.
But chasing a man and trying to get him to talk to her when he clearly didn’t want to open up, that wasn’t a situation where she’d find the elusive emotion.
They arrived at Mary’s house, and Will opened the door as soon as their feet hit the porch.
“I’m so glad you made it! We were wondering why it took so long for you to come see the baby.”
Joy radiated from every part of Will’s body. Rose couldn’t say when she’d seen a man happier to be a father, not even Joseph.
“Someone had to watch the children.”
Will nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to criticize. Our daughter is so beautiful, and I want to share her with everyone.”
He ushered them in, and Rose felt a pang at what it must be like for a child to have such a proud father. Though she regretted nothing about having Matthew, she did regret that there would never be a man beaming with pride over his existence. Ben had died before Rose knew she was expecting, and even if he had known, she couldn’t imagine that the man had enough love in him to be pleased with having a child.
Well, he might have been pleased if he’d been able to find an angle to take advantage of, but to love for the sake of love...
Rose shook her head. This visit wasn’t about Rose’s mistakes. It was about celebrating the arrival of her new niece.
“Does she have a name yet?” Rose smiled at her brother-in-law as he took her coat.
“We’re still deciding,” Will said. Then he looked over at Silas. “Did you have such a hard time coming up with a name for your little girl? Everyone said that if we had a daughter, I’d find myself more in love than I knew what to do with, but I had no idea. Between her and the amazing woman who brought her into the world, I almost want to burst.”
Rose grinned. “So much for the tough lawman.”
Silas chuckled. “Having a child will do that for you. And yes, coming up with Milly’s name was difficult.”
A dark look crossed his face, and then he sighed. “Annie had a younger sister, Millicent, who died of a fever when she was a baby. In their family, tradition says that they name the babies after a family member. Annie and her sister were named for their grandmothers. I knew if our baby was a girl, she’d be called Millicent, but when I met her...”
Silas shook his head. “Who names a baby Millicent?”
A smile filled his face, his eyes shining with love. “I took one look at her, and I called her Milly. Annie looked up at me and said it was perfect. I don’t think she wanted to name her Millicent either, but she never went against her parents’ wishes. She was always Milly to us.”
Rose wanted to reach out and comfort Silas as he remembered the birth of his daughter. After last night’s talk, she wondered if it also brought to mind their other child. Once again, she was touched by the tenderness he had for his late wife.
It also explained the tension between Silas and his in-laws when Milly’s name was spoken.
“Milly is fortunate to have you as her father,” Rose said instead.
Then she turned to Will. “Can I see the baby?”
He’d barely nodded when Rose started up the stairs to Mary’s bedroom. Partially because she was eager to see the baby, but also because it hurt to be so torn in her conversation with Silas. His pain twisted her heart because she wanted to comfort him, but it also reminded her how stupid she must have been to think that he’d loved her nearly as much as she’d loved him. Why had she given her heart so easily?
When she opened the door to the bedroom, she spied Mary lying in bed, cuddling a tiny bundle.
“Rose!”
Mary smiled and gestured for her to come in. “I’m so glad you came. You won’t believe how much she looks like Matthew.”
When Rose was close enough to see the baby, the first thing she noticed was the same shock of dark hair her son had from birth.
“Oh, my!”
Mary held the baby out to her. “Say hello to your aunt Rose.”
Rose took the baby and looked down at the tiny face. Mary was right. It was almost like looking at a feminine version of her son. She tickled the baby under her chin.
“Do you have your cousin’s dimples, sweet one?”
The baby yawned as her eyes fluttered open, then closed again.
“I’m afraid not,” Mary said with a smile. “That may be the one trait Matthew got from his father. I’ve seen Moses’s dimples.”
Rose nodded. Few people knew that Moses Jackson, the adopted son of Emma Jane and Jasper, was also fathered by Ben. Emma Jane had tried nursing Moses’s dying mother back to health, and when the young woman passed away, she’d promised to care for Moses as her own. Though everyone in their circle was reasonably sure Ben was Moses’s father, they’d all agreed that it did no one any good to reveal their knowledge. However, when Matthew was born, they’d discussed the possibility, once the boys were older, of letting them know they were half brothers.
Rose turned her attention back to the baby. “Well, I may be biased, but she is the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen.”
“I won’t disagree.” Mary smiled, looking happier than Rose had ever seen her sister.
“Will says you’re having trouble coming up with a name.”
Mary looked up at her, her eyes filled with tears. “Not so much having trouble, as wanting people’s blessings.”
“Blessings?” Rose smoothed the baby’s hair, noting how, just like Matthew’s, it never wanted to lie down.
“I know things haven’t always been good between us, and at times, they were pretty awful. But over the past year, I have come to love you deeper than I ever thought possible. I admire your strength, your courage and the way you have grown with the Lord.”
A tear ran down Mary’s face. “And Annabelle, dear, sweet, Annabelle. I can’t imagine having a sister-in-law so dear to my heart. So Will and I want to call her Rosabelle. Rosabelle Faith.”
Then she looked up at Rose with watery eyes. “Or Faith Rosabelle, if it makes you uncomfortable. But without the faith that brought us together, and without you and Annabelle, Will and I would not have the deep love we share. So what do you think?”
What did Rose think?
“I don’t understand... I...I caused so much trouble for you.”
“Without it, Will and I would have never fallen in love.”
Rose’s stomach started to hurt. “I humiliated you. And I—”
“You apologized, and I forgave you.” Mary patted a spot on the bed next to her. “Did you really think I still held that against you?”
“No one lets me help or do anything anymore.” Rose sighed. “It’s like everyone’s ashamed to be associated with me.”
“Sit.” Mary used the same tone Rose had heard her use when the children were acting up. Because as much as everyone said things were all right, they all still saw her as a child.
“Please,” Mary said, her voice softening. “I hate that you think we’re ashamed of you. Rose, what you’ve been through, the grace and strength you’ve shown is admirable.”
“It was my choice. I did things that were wrong, and—”
“And you have repented, turning your life around and becoming an example of incredible faith and perseverance.”
“Stop interrupting me.” She knew her voice was shrill, but she was trying so hard to quell the horrible feeling in her stomach, like something inside her was going to explode.
Mary patted the bed again. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like hearing you talk badly about yourself, but you’re right. I should hear you out. Could you please sit, though? I do hate having to look up at you.”
“All right.” Rose sat, feeling awkward as her sister looked at her. Examined her, like she was some sort of criminal.
“Rose, you must believe that none of us have anything but the deepest love and respect for you. We don’t ask for your help because it seems unfair when you have Matthew to care for and no husband to give you a break. We’ve offered to take Matthew from time to time, but you staunchly refuse. How can we add to your burdens when you won’t let us help with the ones you already have?”
The lines in Mary’s face had deepened, and the tears Rose had spied earlier grew thicker in Mary’s eyes.
Her sister’s words should have eased the tension in Rose’s stomach, but instead, she only felt worse. Because they didn’t line up with how Mary and the others had been interacting with her.
“You never told me,” Rose said, not wanting to upset her sister anymore and tired of how their conversations always seemed to turn into arguments.
“I’m sorry. I thought I had.” Mary took her sister’s hand in hers. “I suppose I assumed things were all right between us, and when things seemed to go back to normal, it never occurred to me that you didn’t realize the depth of our affection for you.”
Mary sighed, and Rose could see in her eyes that once again, she thought Rose was being difficult.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Rose said, focusing her attention back on Mary’s baby. “I think Rosabelle is a lovely name, and I’m honored you’d want to include me in it.”
Rosabelle made a soft cooing noise, reminding her of Matthew. “I should be getting back anyway. Matthew will need to be fed soon.”
She tried to hand the baby back to Mary, but her sister shook her head. “No. You don’t get to do that today. You want to know why we aren’t close? Because every time someone says something you don’t like, or you’re not happy with, you use Matthew as an excuse.”
Mary wiped at her eyes and looked down at her baby, then up at Rose. “You’re right. We don’t talk like we should, and yes, we’ve fallen back into the old habit of leaving uncomfortable things unsaid. So fine. Let’s talk. Whatever it is, get it off your chest, because I won’t stand for you continuing to think we’re ashamed of you. That lie has no more place left in this family, do you understand?”
“Fine.” Rose sighed as she adjusted the baby in her arms. “It just seems like, even though we apologized and said things were going to be better, they aren’t. You have your life, and I have mine.”
“I don’t mean for it to be that way.” Mary fiddled with the strings on the neckline of her nightgown. “I haven’t done a very good job of trying. It’s just hard, building a friendship with a sister you’ve known your whole life, when you should have been friends all along but don’t know why you aren’t.”
And that was the part that always stung. Mary had always seemed oblivious to their differences. To the things that separated them.
“I’ll tell you why,” Rose said quietly. She looked down at the baby sleeping peacefully in her arms, wondering if this little girl would ever face the same difficulty in her relationships with her family.
“It was always you and Joseph. Running around, playing your games, but never having room for me. Then, when Joseph went away to find Pa, I thought we could be friends, that you’d finally have room for me. But all we ever did, all we ever talked about, was taking care of the children.”
The pain that had begun in her stomach now filled Rose’s chest, making it hard to breathe. The words seemed stuck in her throat.
“You had your secret romance, and I had mine.” Rose sighed. “Although I did try to tell you about Silas, once. You laughed and said, ‘Silas Jones? Why, he’s been promised to marry Annie Garrett for just about ever. I can’t imagine why you’d think he’d ever be interested in you.’”
Her sister paled, and Rose knew that the very core of the problem between them was that wonderful season before Joseph had discovered their father’s mine, changing their dreary existence into one of wealth. Back then, their only hope had been of marrying and finding someone to help them get out from under their aunt’s thumb. For Mary and Rose, that had meant secret romances with men they’d thought were the answer to their prayers. But in the end, both sisters had ended up brokenhearted and alone, blaming each other for their heartaches.
“Rose, I had just assumed you knew. Everyone did.”
Taking a deep breath, Rose looked at her sister. Hard. “But that’s the problem. You assumed. You still do. I came to you after Silas and I had been kissing in the Forresters’ orchard, and he asked me to run away with him. Instead of listening and then offering me advice based on what I said, you brushed me aside and repeated what everyone else was saying. But how did that help me, when I’d just offered him my heart, and I thought, he had offered his?”
Mary closed her eyes, but not before a tear trickled out and down her cheek. Then she opened them, and eyes so clear and blue they could have been a mirror of Rose’s own stared back at her.
“You’re right. I have no defense. I was so busy in my own romantic idylls that I didn’t listen to what you had to say. We could have both saved each other a lot of grief had we talked to each other. And then, when Ben came to town last year, I should have been honest about our past relationship. I should have told you—”
“I wouldn’t change it, so stop right there. Without my mistake with Ben, I wouldn’t have Matthew. And he is worth every bit of scorn I receive for my behavior.”
The baby began to stir, and Rose knew she would need to eat soon. “Rehashing the past isn’t the point, anyway. It’s just that I’ve never felt we were close, so to hear that you think of me this way doesn’t make sense.”
Mary nodded slowly. “Will says that I’m often quick to speak my mind, except when I think that people already know what I’m thinking, and then it’s like dragging a mule through mud to get me to talk. My deepest desire is for us to be close. I want Rosabelle, Matthew, Catherine and all of the other cousins to be the best of friends. For you to be able to talk to me, and for you to be comfortable relying on us.”
If she had ever been brave enough to admit to those thoughts, Rose would have said she wanted the same for herself. She used to watch as Mary, Annabelle, Emma Jane and Polly had sat in their little circle, talking and laughing, but when Rose joined in, they’d become quiet. Mostly, she’d given up on thinking she could be part of that friendship, and instead comforted herself with her regular visits to the Jackson household, where she’d take tea with Emma Jane.
“You and the other ladies don’t always include me,” Rose said softly, handing the now-fussing baby to her sister.
“Of course we do.” Mary took her daughter and got her situated to eat. “When have we ever excluded you?”
Rose sighed. “Lots of times. You’ll be talking and laughing, and when I come into the room, you stop.”
“Like when? I can’t think of such a time.”
Rose could. Many times. “Just last month. For Annabelle’s going-away tea. We were at Emma Jane’s, and you were all laughing, but when I came in the room, you stopped. You whispered something to Annabelle, and then you asked me about the weather. The weather!”
Mary blushed. “It’s not what you think. I had questions, about married woman things, and they were giving me advice. It wasn’t meant as a slight. I just didn’t think... That is... Well, you’re not married, so it wouldn’t have been appropriate to talk about it in front of you.”
Now it was Rose’s turn to be embarrassed. She could guess what kind of things Mary had wanted to ask about, especially with the way the other ladies giggled over their husbands sometimes. And, remembering Helen’s frustration at not being let in on all the secrets she thought she should know about, it occurred to Rose that while she had a child, there were still topics of conversation not appropriate for her ears.
“I’m sorry... I just...” She swallowed, wishing she hadn’t brought up the subject at all.
“No, I understand. I have slighted you in the past, and though I’ve apologized, I can see where it would be easy to interpret things in the wrong way. I should have just let you know that’s what we’d been talking about, but I was afraid you’d feel bad because you aren’t married.”
“And I should have just told you that it hurt my feelings and not let it fester.” Rose let out a long sigh. “I can’t believe you’d want to name your daughter after a sister who is so difficult to get along with.”
Mary took Rose’s hand in her free hand. “Because my sister is worth it. Because I hope that my daughter works as hard as you to reconcile broken relationships. But mostly, because I so admire you.”
Tears filled Mary’s eyes again. “I know you love Matthew, but I hate how some of the women in town treat you because of him. I could never walk with my head held high and a smile on my face the way you do.”
Rose squeezed her sister’s hand and let go. “Yes, you could. If you had to, for your daughter, you would.”
Nodding slowly, Mary adjusted the baby in her arms, then turned her to burp her. Her sister was a natural mother, and it showed in the way she handled her baby. Not surprisingly, of course, since she and Rose had all but raised their younger siblings.
Then Mary turned and grinned at her. “Speaking of reconciling relationships, how are things with you and Silas?”
With a long sigh, Rose shrugged. “Forgiving him isn’t easy. I say I do, and I do, but then something comes up to remind me of how much I hurt, or what a scoundrel he was.”
She shook her head. “But I also see what an honorable man he is, how good he is with Milly and even the affection with which he speaks of Annie. I know he’s not a bad person, and I know he didn’t intend to hurt me. But the hurt comes back anyway.”
“Are you interested in him romantically?” Mary gave her a knowing smile.
For a moment, Rose sat there, picturing Silas in her mind. Remembering. “I don’t know. Am I attracted to him? Yes. He’s still the handsomest man I ever laid eyes on. However, I’ve learned that lasting love is about more than those feelings. I don’t know if I trust him, or myself, enough to know that we have more than that.”
“You’ve both grown and changed. You can’t base trust on the past.”
“True.” Rose looked at her sister, older and wiser, wishing she’d been able to talk with her like this in the past. Maybe then it would have saved them all heartache. At least now, she had someone to talk to, even if it felt awkward.
“But part of me wonders. When he came back, he wanted to marry me for Milly’s sake. He says he was wrong to assume, but sometimes I think, he’s still thinking in that direction.”
“Has he said anything to give you any indication of those thoughts?”
Rose sighed again, trying to think back to their conversations. “I suppose not. But the way he looks at me sometimes...” Then she shook her head. “I suppose I’m not making it easy for him. I try to talk to him, to be a friend to him. But it’s different. We used to be able to talk about anything, and now it seems harder.”
Then she looked at her sister, hoping Mary would be able to give her some wisdom. Hoping she wasn’t wrong in trusting Mary with pieces of her heart she’d never entrusted to the other woman before. Talking to Mary about Silas was risky, but if she wanted things to be different between them, then she needed to act differently. Maybe if she started trusting and opening up to Mary, Mary would do the same for her.
“Sometimes I think I shouldn’t even be trying to pursue a deep friendship with him. Can a man and woman truly be friends?”
That was the heart of all of her debates over the situation with Silas. Could she offer him her friendship, a gift not easily given, exposing her heart? Would she be able to resist falling in love with him again?
Mary looked thoughtful for a moment. “I think it depends. As an unmarried woman, friendship is how you learn a person’s character and find out if you’re suited for marriage. As a married woman...” She shrugged. “I’m friends with Jasper because he’s married to one of my dearest friends, and he’s my husband’s best friend. But we don’t talk about personal things. The only man I share my heart with is Will. He is my closest friend and the person who knows my heart better than anyone else.”
None of which answered Rose’s question about Silas and their friendship. More importantly, what was safe to risk in a friendship with him.
Seeming to sense Rose’s hesitation, Mary looked at her intently. “I suppose the real question is what you hope to gain from a deep friendship with Silas. If you’re not interested in marrying him, is it fair to engage his heart when someday he’ll offer it to another? And if you are interested in marrying him, then maybe you should just be honest with yourself about it, and see where it leads.”
The question was designed to get Rose thinking about what she wanted. And while Rose could appreciate her sister’s diligence in asking Rose to examine her heart, it didn’t make the task any easier.
“But what if I don’t know what I want?” Then she sighed. “Or if I’m just fooling myself to think that what I want even exists?”
She looked up at Mary, who bore an expression of such deep love and understanding that Rose wished she’d been more willing to talk with her sister before. So many times, she’d been afraid that Mary would think ill of her, but the respect shining in her sister’s eyes told Rose that talking with Mary had done the opposite. Whatever happened between Rose and Silas, Rose and Mary’s relationship would be stronger for it.
Adjusting the baby to free her hand, Mary reached for Rose, pulling her into a side hug that required Rose to lean against her sister. She breathed in Mary’s warm honey scent and snuggled closer. How many times had she envied her younger siblings the fact that they could climb into Mary’s lap and tell her everything?
Mary gave her a squeeze, like having Rose curled up next to her was exactly what she’d wanted. “We pray, dear sister. We pray.”
Tears filled Rose’s eyes. “I’ve always wanted this.”
“Me, too.” Mary scooted slightly, encouraging Rose to cuddle even closer. “But I never knew how to reach out to you.”
Resting her head against her sister’s side, Rose said, “I remember reading in books about sisters snuggled in bed together, sharing each other’s secrets. I used to wish that could be us, but all those years when we shared a bed, we’d just roll over and sleep, barely saying good-night.”
The gentle touch of Mary’s hand rubbing her back gave Rose more comfort than she could remember having. “I wished for that too. Sometimes, I’d lay there, rehearsing what I would say, but then I’d lose heart, and say nothing. I’m sorry I never found the courage to talk to you.”
“It’s all right. I never found the courage, either.” She looked up at her sister, who smiled down at her.
“Yes, you did. Just now. And we’re not ever going to stop doing this, all right?”
Rose laughed, struggling to sit up. “I think your husband might object to my coming over and spending the night with you in his bed.”
“True. But when he’s out of town on cases, you can come over with Matthew and spend the night. Will hates leaving me alone at night, so it’ll be perfect. Not only can we have sister time, but our children will become close friends.”
“I’d like that.” Rose smiled at her sister, and for the first time she could remember, her heart was nearly bursting with love for the other woman, who looked so much like her, yet was so different.
“Now about that boy...” Mary grinned mischievously, and even though the matter of what to do with Silas felt small compared to everything else in her life, after this afternoon with her sister, Rose felt confident that the answer to her Silas troubles would come.