Julia drained her wine glass and set it down. “Haven’t you ever wanted something bigger, something more?”
Taylor frowned, unsure where the vehemence in Julia’s voice was coming from. She’d been off since she’d arrived. Taylor thought maybe she was hangry, but dinner hadn’t helped. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
Julia stuck out her hands, like she was exasperated at having to explain. “You make absolutely stunning furniture, but you’re content to spend half your time making cookie-cutter things to sell wholesale. And you refuse to open a shop or really put yourself out there as an artist.”
They’d sort of had this conversation once already, and Taylor couldn’t figure out why they were having it again. After that conversation, she’d thought again about her own retail space, pulling together handmade works of artists and artisans throughout the Finger Lakes. But the hassle and risk still gave her pause, especially since she had a system that worked, personally and financially. “Where is this coming from?”
“You’re so busy telling me to follow my dreams, I wonder if you ever give any real thought to yours.”
Julia might not be trying to come off as antagonistic, but that’s exactly the vibe Taylor got from her. But why? “I’m doing what I want to do with my life.”
“Are you sure you aren’t just doing what’s easy?”
The question stung, more than she cared to admit. Still, she wanted to give Julia the benefit of the doubt.
“If you were in New York City, you could do nothing but custom pieces and make a killing.”
Taylor laughed at the sheer absurdity of the idea. “But then I’d have to be in New York City. I can say for certain that is not my dream.”
“How do you know if you’ve never even considered it?”
Trying to understand Julia’s thought process gave way to how unreasonable her argument was. “I’ve never been an astronaut, but I’m pretty confident that’s not my calling, either.”
“Well, that’s ridiculous.”
Taylor folded her arms. “So is the idea I’d want to move to the city. What are you trying to get at, Julia?”
She huffed out a breath, like the question was unfair. Or like Taylor had started the argument. “I’m just asking about whether you’re really living up to your full potential.”
The question—or was it an accusation?—landed right in the center of Taylor’s chest. “Do you have a problem with my work, or my choices? Is that what this is about?”
“No.” Julia let out a sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay. I’ll take the apology, if for no other reason than you seemed hell-bent on picking a fight. But I’d much rather know what’s really bothering you.”
The look in her eyes was pure misery. “I entered this photography contest and I won.”
The words said one thing, but Julia’s tone didn’t match. Even in her confusion, Taylor’s first reaction was pride. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“It would be if the prize was money or a nice certificate to hang on my wall.”
“What is it, then?” She couldn’t imagine a prize that would warrant this level of angst, especially if Julia went to the trouble of entering the contest in the first place.
“Being an artist in residence for this program that supports kids in the arts.”
Taylor struggled to find the dark cloud, but all she could come up with was silver lining. “That sounds amazing.”
“It’s six months.” Julia looked in her eyes, then at her empty glass. “In New York City.”
“Six months?” Taylor got this sinking feeling in her stomach and she tried to keep her voice even. At least she understood why Julia was harping on the city.
“Yeah. I even had to interview for it, which makes it better, but also worse. That’s what I was doing the day you had that delivery to Vermont.”
The sinking feeling became a free fall. Not only had Julia neglected to mention going to New York City to basically interview for a job there, she’d actively lied about it.
“You’re mad. I can tell you’re mad. This is why I didn’t tell you in the first place.” Julia’s shoulders slumped and she looked like she might be on the verge of tears.
“I’m not mad that you did it. I’m mad that you lied about it.” Saying it out loud, that Julia had lied to her, made it worse. “And, honestly, mad isn’t even the right word.”
“Let me guess. You’re disappointed.” Her voice took on this edge of defiance that made Taylor bristle.
“Kind of. I know we’re not talking about forever or anything, but—”
“It’s six months. Less than, really, because there’s two weeks off at Christmas when the schools are out.”
Taylor pinched the bridge of her nose. Julia was on logistics and Taylor remained stuck on being kept in the dark like some inconsequential hookup. “I was talking about you and me forever. I know we’re not there, yet. Hell, we’re just barely exclusive. But I thought I’d at least warrant knowing you were thinking about something like this.”
“I was embarrassed, okay?” Julia’s voice pitched both louder and higher.
“Embarrassed about what? That doesn’t even make sense.” Maybe she’d oversold the disappointed angle. She was definitely at least a little mad.
“I didn’t think I’d get it. And I really didn’t want you to do the sweet, encouraging thing and then try to cheer me up when I didn’t.”
Her voice cracked at the end, and whatever anger Taylor had evaporated. Well, mostly evaporated. “Maybe I would have wanted to encourage you.”
Julia groaned. “I’m sorry. Like, really and truly sorry. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking I’d be proud of myself for trying, and that would be that. I don’t want to keep things from you.”
Taylor wanted to believe her. In truth, she did believe Julia’s intentions. And her assumptions, no matter how shortsighted and off they were. The problem was, she put a lot of stock in the truth. And if Julia was willing to bend it when she was nervous about something, it was hard not to wonder if she might again.
“What can I do to make it up to you?”
She sighed. “There’s nothing to make up.”
“Sure there is. And it would make me feel better. Dinner? Back rub? Sex slave?”
Despite the kernel of anxiety that remained rooted in her gut, Taylor smiled. “I’d never want you to be my sex slave out of some sense of obligation.”
Julia grinned. “That’s nice of you. And to be fair, that would be as much for me as it would be for you. Dinner then, extra fancy, and a real massage.”
The thing was, no matter what Taylor might be feeling in the moment, her bigger and more permanent feelings were pretty solidly in the hopelessly in love category. And because of that, her heart wanted to make Julia’s heart happy more than anything. Letting this go would do that. She just had to hope, to trust, that it would work out. And that Julia’s feelings were somewhere in the same vicinity.
* * *
Julia thought she and Taylor had kissed and made up, but apparently not. They’d done the kissing part, and a whole lot more, over the next few days. And Taylor swore up and down she wasn’t mad, but something between them had shifted, and not for the better.
Taylor was cool, aloof. Not in that passive aggressive way that was so obnoxious. No, this was subtle, like Taylor was leery of her. It didn’t aggravate her; it terrified her.
Taylor remained adamant she wasn’t angry, but she didn’t want to talk, either. She just circled back to insisting she had a lot on her mind, which was hard to argue with. And since Julia had plenty to stress about on her own, she didn’t press.
At the top of the list of things keeping her up at night: whether or not to accept the position. She’d burned the week they’d given her to decide, not on scouting out a place to live, even though that was the point of having a whole week. She felt about ninety percent sure she should take it, which really should have been enough. That remaining ten percent, though, it stole her breath and made her think she was getting a peek into what panic attacks must feel like. Worse, it sneaked up on her, catching her at work, in the shower, even in the middle of the night.
The morning of her deadline dawned gray and rainy. It was dramatic to say so, but it matched her mood perfectly. Taylor had spent the night, but they’d ended up watching a movie and not even having sex. Not that they always had to have sex, but they kind of always did. Well, until last week.
She worked through her cycle of what-ifs, confirming they all remained. She studied Taylor and tried to keep her heart from aching. Keep herself from wanting to chuck the whole idea of leaving, even temporarily.
It was unlike Taylor to still be asleep, but maybe she’d been sleeping like shit, too. She kissed Taylor softly and nuzzled her neck. Taylor’s arms wound around her and pulled her close. Julia let herself sink into it. It felt like home.
But just as she let herself sigh, Taylor’s body stiffened. Like she’d woken all the way up and realized what she was doing. It reminded Julia of the stilted affection she got from Erica toward the end.
Taylor kissed the top of Julia’s head and released her. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” Julia blinked away the tears that pricked at her eyes. She was overreacting.
“I’ll do coffee if you want to jump in the shower.” Taylor sat up without waiting for an answer.
“Sure.”
Taylor got up and Julia ordered herself to pull it together. Taylor was in a funk. Given that Julia had kept something from her, it shouldn’t surprise her. But it also shouldn’t cause panic. Funny how telling herself that didn’t seem to do much.
She showered and dressed. She found Taylor in the kitchen, already in work clothes and staring out the window over the kitchen sink. “I put yours in a travel mug so you could take it with you.”
On any other day, it would be a thoughtful gesture. She and Taylor would have gotten frisky in the shower and she’d be in danger of being late to work. Today, it was like Taylor couldn’t get rid of her fast enough. “Thanks.”
“So, are you going to give me the specifics or am I going to have to ask?”
Julia stared at the mug and chewed the inside of her lip. “I haven’t technically accepted it yet.”
“What?” Taylor’s voice held accusation.
“I have until today, I’m not putting them off or anything.” Stalling, yes. But she was doing it in her officially sanctioned time frame.
“That seems kind of pointless, doesn’t it? It’s not like you haven’t decided.”
Julia didn’t answer right away. Not that she wanted to hedge, but she wasn’t sure how much of her waffling to subject Taylor to. Especially after the damage she’d already caused. “It’s just, it’s a really big decision.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
Although she’d used that exact word herself to describe her current state, she bristled at Taylor flinging it at her now. “I’m not.”
“I hope you aren’t having doubts because of me.”
Well, yeah. Duh. Instead of saying that, she went with, “It’s a lot of things.”
“You wouldn’t have applied for it if you didn’t want it.” Taylor shook her head. Her tone made it hard to tell if she was encouraging Julia or accusing her.
“How many times do I have to tell you I didn’t think it through? Perhaps you haven’t noticed this is the pattern of my life. Dive in headfirst, worry about silly things like logistics and regrets later.”
Taylor huffed out a breath. “You’re selling yourself short again.”
“I’m working on it. It’s not the sort of thing you can flip a switch on.”
“I know.” Taylor sighed again. This one sounded more defeated than anything else. “Look, it’s an amazing opportunity. It will probably help you grow as an artist, and it will be a great bullet on your résumé for growing your business.”
Julia nodded. They were the points she’d made to herself when she wasn’t busy kicking herself for maybe ruining what she and Taylor had. “You know that’s my end goal, right? Being here, having a business.” She swallowed. “Being with you.”
“I do know.” Taylor’s voice didn’t hold the same conviction as her words.
“And keeping it from you, even for the reasons I did, was totally dumb. And I’m sorry.” God, was she ever sorry.
That seemed to soften her. “I know that, too. Take the position. Kenota isn’t going anywhere. I’m not, either.”
More than any encouragement or tough love, the simple statement melted her. “How did I get to be so lucky?”
“I think it was the day you mastered beautiful and clueless at the hardware store.”
Despite being on the verge of tears a moment before, Julia laughed. “That’s what did it, huh?”
“That was my in. I stayed because you’re smart and funny and caring and really, really good in bed.”
She laughed again. “I really am sorry.”
“And I really do believe you.”
Julia nodded.
“If we’re going to be together, we have to trust each other, though. You know?” Taylor looked right at her.
“Yeah. It’s not that I don’t trust you.” More like she didn’t trust herself.
“Choosing not to confide in me is kind of a trust thing, even if that wasn’t the motivation.”
Taylor was right. “I won’t do it again.”
“Good. Now call them and accept the position.”
She might sound more resigned than excited about it, but it was exactly what Julia needed to hear. They’d find a way to make it work. “I will.”
“Now go. You’re going to be late for work.”
She glanced at the clock. Taylor was right about that, too. Damn it. She crossed the room and gave Taylor a kiss. Not quite back to normal, but an improvement. At this point, she’d take it.