Rachel rushed past the barn, the noise of the gathering fading the farther she went. Deborah’s dress swished around her legs. Though she didn’t care much for them, pants were definitely better for running.
What had she read in Josh’s gaze? Could he possibly feel something for her, or was he just being nice? Rachel stumbled and caught herself then slowed to a walk. Her breath came in quick gasps. What was the point in even thinking about Josh or her feelings for him when she’d be leaving in a few weeks?
With everything enveloped in the inky darkness of a moonless night and her vision blurred with tears, Rachel couldn’t see anything. She slowed to a stop.
Why, God? Why did You bring me here? Isn’t it enough that You took my family? Do You have to show me what I’m missing by not having a big, wonderful family like Josh’s?
“Rachel?”
“Oh!” she squealed, grabbing her chest. “Stop sneaking up on me, Josh.” She resented his intrusion but felt thankful he couldn’t see her tears because of the darkness.
“Don’t you know it’s not safe to wander around in the dark this far from the house? Even with the dogs out, varmints sneak around at night looking for grub.”
Rachel shivered. What would Grandpa do if something happened to her? She wiped her cheeks then crossed her arms over her chest and moved closer to Josh. He was the last person she wanted to be with just now, but maybe a critter wouldn’t get her if she stayed near him. Now that her tears had stopped and her eyes had adjusted to the dark, she could see the shape of his body silhouetted against the distant glow of the shindig campfire.
“What’s wrong?” He reached out in the darkness and grabbed hold of her shoulders. “Did I do something to upset you? I know I didn’t step on your toes.” He choked out a halfhearted laugh.
What could she say? That she didn’t want to leave him when Grandpa was well? That she was already growing to care for him? That she loved his family and wanted to be a part of the Stafford clan forever, but she’d never let Grandpa leave without her?
“Rachel, talk to me.” Josh pulled her toward him. She stiffened, not wanting to give in to her feelings, but then melted against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. Just this once she’d enjoy being alone with him, because it couldn’t continue. Tears burned her eyes again.
“What’s wrong?” Josh leaned back, loosening his hold. His hands burned a path up her arms, warming her cheeks as they rested there. “You’re crying. Why?”
“Y–you have no idea how wonderful your family is, do you?”
“My family? That’s what you’re crying about?” He wiped her tears with his thumbs. “Come on now. Don’t cry, honey.”
Rachel’s heart momentarily swelled at his endearment then plummeted, knowing she wouldn’t be the one he’d be speaking them to after tonight. She sniffed. “You have everything I’ve ever wanted, and you don’t appreciate it.”
“Hang on. What does that mean?”
“You have a great family, and you live on this fabulous ranch. Even though you smile most of the time, you’re not happy. You want to raise horses, but you can’t get your nerve up to face your brothers and make them see how important your dream is to you.”
Josh dropped his hands to her shoulders. “When did this become about me?”
“All my life, I’ve wanted what you have, but God took my family.” Rachel swatted the tears from her cheeks, instantly remorseful for blaming her troubles on God. And why did she always cry when she was upset? “I wanted to get away from the craziness of Dodge City and live on a ranch, but in my effort to realize my dream, I may have killed my only living relative.”
“Oh, honey, your grandpa’s not gonna die. And what happened to him wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it is.”
Josh cupped her cheeks again. “No. It’s not. Accidents happen out here. You should have taken the stage instead of trying to cross No Man’s Land on your own, but don’t blame yourself. Besides, I’d never have met you if you hadn’t.”
“Maybe that would have been for the best. I’ve only caused you trouble.”
“No,” he whispered, “meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Rachel caught her breath.
“Don’t you know how I feel, Rachel? I felt a bond with you even when I thought you were a boy, and now it’s even stronger. I don’t want you to leave.” Josh’s hand slid down to her chin and tilted her face upward. She felt his breath warm her cheek as he leaned forward. “Stay here with me. Make my family yours. Please.”
She blinked in the darkness. Had he just asked her to marry him? He didn’t actually say the words. Josh’s boots scuffled against the ground as he eased closer. One hand slid around behind her head, entwining in her hair as the other grasped her waist. Faint guitar and harmonica music blended with the nearby cricket chorus serenading them. Josh lowered his face to hers; his warm lips pressed gently against hers. The odor of campfire smoke from the shindig and hay from the nearby barn mixed with Josh’s own distinct scent.
This was the kiss she’d dreamed of. Sweet, warm, with a promise of more to come. Rachel looped her arms around Josh’s neck and kissed him back. He tasted of coffee. Josh pulled her tighter, deepening his kiss. Butterflies danced in her stomach. This was the man she loved—the man she wanted to be with forever. But Grandpa would never stay here. How many times had he said how much he wanted to spend his remaining years with his brother in Amarillo? And she couldn’t let Grandpa leave without her. Rachel’s dream skidded to a halt like a galloping horse being jerked to a sudden stop.
Josh must have sensed the change in her. He loosened his grip.
She had to push him away. If she didn’t, she’d never be able to leave him. Rachel squeezed her eyes against the hurt she was preparing to inflict. Josh or Grandpa? Why did she have to choose one over the other? Grandpa was her only living relative except for the uncle and cousins she’d never met. Grandpa needed her. Josh had his whole family to support him. God, where are You when I need You?
“Rachel?” Josh held her by her upper arms.
She clutched her arms to her chest. “Is this what you meant when you said you’d figure out a way to pay you for the clothes you offered to buy me?”
Josh’s loud gasp sliced her gut. “That’s a low blow. I can’t believe you’d think that.” The pain in his voice brought tears to her eyes. He dropped his hands and moved back.
“I–I’m sorry, Josh, that wasn’t fair.” Her misery weighed her down like an anvil around her neck, pulling her deeper into the dark depths. “I know you wouldn’t barter kisses for clothes, but don’t you see, I’m leaving in a few weeks.” Rachel sniffed back her tears. “Grandpa and I are heading to Amarillo. There’s no point in us pursuing a relationship. It’d only make leaving all that much harder.”
“How do you know God didn’t cause your horses to run off just so I’d find you and we could meet? Maybe that was His plan. Did you ever consider that?”
Rachel cringed at the tone of his voice. That thought hadn’t occurred to her. Was this God’s answer to her prayer? Would He really make her dream come true? A dream of living on a ranch and having a big family and a wonderful husband like Josh. But such a dream would require her to be separated from Grandpa. Did she want the dream more than Grandpa?
“I–it doesn’t matter,” she whispered.
“What do you mean? Have I just imagined that you feel something for me?” Josh’s voice sounded flat. The festive music in the background now seemed out of place in light of Rachel’s emotional turmoil.
“You don’t understand.” She wanted to shout how much she loved him, but she didn’t have the right. “Grandpa’s all the family I’ve got. I can’t let him go to Uncle Lloyd’s without me.”
Josh stepped closer. “Maybe God wants to give you a new family.”
“Not if it means being separated from Grandpa. I—I can’t.”
“Rachel,” he said, his voice full of entreaty. Josh’s hand cupped her cheek, and she wanted desperately to lean into his caress. “Why can’t you have both?”
Rachel blinked. She could barely think with Josh’s thumb gently stroking her face. Could she have a life with Josh and Grandpa? If she did, it would mean Grandpa would have to give up his dream—and she couldn’t ask that of him. Years ago, he’d given up his own dreams to stay in Dodge and help raise her after her mother died. At his age, he’d earned the chance for a little happiness, even if it meant sacrificing hers.
“No, Josh. Grandpa won’t stay here once he’s well. He wants so badly to spend his remaining days with his brother. I won’t ask him to give up his dream for me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” Rachel knew if Josh had his hat right now, he’d be smacking it against his thigh in frustration. “You’d sacrifice your dream for Ian?”
“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
“What do you mean?” Josh dropped his hand from her face and stepped back.
“You want to raise horses, but you won’t stand your ground with your brothers.”
“It’s not the same thing. I’ve tried to talk to Micah, but he just thinks he’s the biggest toad in the puddle. He doesn’t listen to me.”
“Have you even prayed about your dream? Have you asked God if that’s His will for you?”
“Uh, sure I’ve prayed. Probably not enough. But it’s still not the same thing.”
Rachel crossed her arms over her chest, thankful to have the conversation directed at Josh instead of her. “Yes, it is. You’re smart, capable—everyone sees that except you.”
“Rachel, this isn’t about me.”
“Well, it isn’t about me, either. I’m leaving in a couple of weeks.”
“Fine. If that’s the way you want it, I’ll stay out of your way until you and Ian leave.” His voice sounded resigned, and Rachel wanted to throw herself back in his arms. But it had to be this way. She couldn’t leave Grandpa for a man she’d known only a few days—no matter what his cocky smile did to her heart.