THE KITCHEN

A play in two parts with an Interlude

Characters

MAGI	Night porter	Waitresses
MAX	Butcher	MONIQUE
BERTHA	Vegetable cook	MOLLY
FRANK	Second chef poultry	WINNIE
		HETTIE
ALFREDO	Roast	VIOLET
HANS	Fry	GWEN
PETER	Boiled fish	DAPHNE
KEVIN	Fried fish	CYNTHI
GASTON	Grill	BETTY
MICHAEL	Eggs	JACKIE
NICHOLAS	Cold buffet
PAUL	Pastry chef
RAYMONDO	Assistant pastry chef
CHEF	Head
MARANGO	Proprietor
ANNE	Desserts and coffee
MANGOLIS	Kitchen porter
DIMITRI	Kitchen porter
HEAD WAITER
TRAMP

The original, shorter, version of The Kitchen was first presented by the English Stage Society at The Royal Court Theatre for two Sunday night ‘Productions without Decor’ on 13 and 20 September 1959.

A full-length version was later presented by the English Stage Company at The Royal Court Theatre for a run opening 27 June 1961. Both productions were directed by John Dexter and designed by Jocelyn Herbert.

Substantial changes were made after the author directed the play while ‘Distinguished Artist in Residence’ at the University of Wisconsin at Madison September/October 1990. It is this version which was revived at The Royal Court in February 1994 by Stephen Daldry.

The first film version was made in 1961.

Further cuts and changes were made after a second film script was written by the author for an Italian film company in 2004/2005. The various versions have since been performed in the following cities – either as theatre or TV or both.

Amsterdam

Antwerp

Athens

BBC TV

Barcelona

Bergen

Bruxelles (in French, twice, and Flemish)

Budapest

Buenos Aires

Caracas

Copenhagen

Dijon

Dusseldorf

Essen

Frankfurt am Main

French TV3

Gothenberg (twice)

Hamburg

Helsinki

Hungary – Szeged National Theatre

Lausanne

Liege

Lisbon

London – Royal Court (twice)

London – National Youth Theatre

Los Angeles

Lyon – National Theatre of France and tour.

Madison – University of Wisconsin – author’s production.

Madrid (twice, awarded ‘Critics’and public’ Gold Medal’)

Magdeburg

Manneheim

Mineapolis

Montevideo

Montreal

Moscow

Moscow TV

Munich New York

Norkopping – Linkoping

Paris (twice)

Perth, Scotland

Prague

Puerto Rico

Quebec

Resita, Romania

Rio de Janeiro

Rome

Sao Paulo

Seoul, Korea

Sofia

Stockholm

Tatabánya, Hungary

Tel Aviv

Tokyo (seven productions)

Toulouse Toulouse toured France)

USA tour

Warsaw

Wrocslav

Zurich

Part One

	There is no curtain. The kitchen is always there. In semi-darkness.
	The night porter, MAGI, enters, stretches, looks at his watch, registers with distaste where he is. It is seven in the morning.
	He ‘lights’ a taper, ‘fires’ the first of the seven ovens. Each oven explodes into a burn. With each burn comes more light.
	Light and sound accumulate. The kitchen’s hum builds to a
	small roar – a battle with dialogue to the end.1
	MAGI lights the fourth oven – MAX enters.
MAGI	Morning, Max.
	MAX grunts, goes directly to the cold-cupboard, collects a bottle of beer, opens and drinks.
	MAGI lights the last oven – BERTHA enters.
BERTHA	Good morning, Magi.
MAGI	Morning, Bertha.
BERTHA	Good morning, Max.
	MAX belches.
	Enter HETTIE and VIOLET from street, en route to changing room.
HETTIE	What bloody agency found you this job?
VIOLET	A very respectable agency, I thought.
HETTIE	Well you thought wrong, didn’t you!
	BERTHA needs help with a full pot.
BERTHA	Hey, Magi, give us a hand with this.
MAGI	OK, love.
	BETTY and WINNIE enter en route to changing room, pausing to glance at the day’s menu chalked on a board.
BETTY	I can’t help it, weather affects me.
WINNIE	I never let anything affect me…
BETTY	Everything affects me…
WINNIE	Life’s too short.
BETTY	…music affects me, neighbours affect me…
WINNIE	Problem is, I don’t get very angry with anything.
BETTY	…this bloody kitchen affects me with its bloody boring menu.
WINNIE	But I don’t get very happy at anything either, know what I mean?
	They’ve gone.
	During next moments MANGOLIS comes on and off
	depositing dustbins in various positions.
MAGI	Bertha –
BERTHA	Yes?
MAGI	I’ve got a confession –
BERTHA	So early?
MAGI	– that ten shillings…
BERTHA	You haven’t got it? So you haven’t got it! You emigrating?
MAGI	No.
BERTHA	Then I’ll wait.
MAGI	You’re a good girl, Bertha.
BERTHA	Good – I am, but a girl?
MAGI	Go on, I could fancy you.
BERTHA	Fancy? Boy, I’d crack you in a crunch. Crrrrrunch!
MAGI	Bertha, you worry me.
BERTHA	I worry him.
	PAUL and RAYMOND from the changing room make for their corner, tools in hand.
PAUL	(To the world.) Good morning, good morning. (To BERTHA.) Morning, me old darling.
BERTHA	Morning.
PAUL	(To MAX.) And to you, Max.
MAX	(Soul not yet returned.) Mornin’.
RAYMOND	Max, it’s escallop of veal on today?
MAX	How many?
RAYMOND	Three. I’ll take them now and put them in my box, before the others get here.
	GASTON followed by DIMITRI enter en route for changing-room.
	RAYMOND, noticing GASTON’s black eye, whistles. GASTON glares.
	DIMITRI gestures RAYMOND to desist.
MAX	(Handing RAYMOND the escallops.) And don’t forget my puff pastry tomorrow.
RAYMOND	Usual?
MAX	A little extra. My wife’s family is coming for Sunday lunch. Magi, give us a hand.
	MAGI helps MAX carry tray of beef to ALFREDO’s station.
	KEVIN enters, lost.
	New cook?
KEVIN	New cook.
MAX	Changing room’s there.
	KEVIN moves to changing rooms.
PAUL	(To RAYMOND.) Don’t forget it’s Religieuse today.
RAYMOND	(Saluting.) Aye, aye, Commandant! But please let me make them? All week I’ve been making fruit bands, fruit bands! All week.
PAUL	Alright, alright – Christ! you’re a nag.
	HETTIE and VIOLET en route to the dining-room.
	VIOLET is new, and aghast at what she’s walking through.
HETTIE	Follow me to the dining-room.
VIOLET	I’m not used to working in places like this, I used to be at the old Carlton Tower.
MAX	(To BERTHA.) The where?
BERTHA	The old Carlton Tower, don’t you know.
PAUL	(To RAYMOND.) If I make you dinner tonight will you come and fix my motorbike?
RAYMOND	Be my pleasure.
PAUL	How do you know about motorbikes?
RAYMOND	In the war I was a dispatch rider, mea culpa! I had to know.
PAUL	Your wife won’t mind?
RAYMOND	Sometimes it’s a good thing to miss a wife.
PAUL	(Ruefully.) You think so?
RAYMOND	Shit! I forgot.
PAUL	Forget it. She was a fool.
RAYMOND	So it doesn’t hurt she left you?
PAUL	What hurts is that one day she’s going to have children and those kids are going to have a fool for a mother.
	Enter ANNE to her station.
PAUL	Good morning, Anne. (She doesn’t hear.) Good morning, Anne.
RAYMOND	(Louder.) Good morning, sweetheart.
ANNE	Good morning, boys, good morning.
PAUL	That’s better.
ANNE	Hello, Max.
MAX	(His soul returned.) Top of the mornin’ to you Anne.
ANNE	(Putting coffee in metal jug to warm on oven.) An’ the rest o’ the day to yersel’, dear. (Stretching herself.) Ah, me bed was lovely.
RAYMOND	(Lasciviously.) I bet it was.
	She points a cautionary finger at him.
ANNE	Paul, tell me, what happened to Peter in the end, you know, last night?
RAYMOND	Big mouth! He’s got a big mouth. I don’t even know what it was all about. You know, Paul?
PAUL	All I know is he had a fight with Gaston. Why? I don’t know. Over a ladle I think or maybe a…
MAX	He’s a bloody German, a fool, that’s what he is. He’s always quarrelling, always. There’s no one he hasn’t quarrelled with, am I right? No one! That’s some scheme that is, exchanging cooks! What do we want to exchange cooks for? Three years he’s been here, three years!
	But he’s more interested in getting another beer.
ANNE	Ah, the boy’s in love.
RAYMOND	What love!
ANNE	He’s no parents you know.
RAYMOND	You see him? When Monique does a turn as hostess by the stairs he watches her through that mirror there.
ANNE	Exaggeration!
RAYMOND	And he walks round the kitchen looking to see if she’s talking or flirting with any of the customers.
ANNE	I’ve never seen it.
RAYMOND	You’ve never looked?
PAUL	And they quarrel in front of everybody as well. Shout at each other. Shout! Sometimes she doesn’t even look at him, and waits for orders with her back turned.
ANNE	But what happened last night? I want to know.
	MAGI re-enters.
MAX	Ask Magi.
MAGI	Any coffee, Anne?
ANNE	Help yourself, dear.
RAYMOND	Hey Magi, what happened with Peter last night?
MAGI	(Unconcerned.) They nearly killed him.
ANNE	Oh God.
RAYMOND	But what was it all about, tell me?
MAGI	Well you should know that – I wasn’t here.
PAUL	All we know is that they suddenly started shouting at each other. And you know Peter, always shouts more than the others, you can always hear Peter – well, so then it stopped, and then a few seconds later they were fighting, and I saw Gaston raise a boning knife and Peter knock it out of his hand, and then…
RAYMOND	And then he lifted him and nearly sat him on the stove and ..
PAUL	And the chef came along and…
ANNE	And I heard the chef separate them and I heard Gaston say ‘I haven’t finished yet, it’s not over yet’ but I still don’t know what it was all about.
PAUL	Who cares? I say good morning to Peter but never good night.
RAYMOND	Magi?
MAGI	Well I came in at nine last night. The boys were changing and suddenly Peter comes and Gaston follows him. Gaston says Peter called him a lousy Cypro and the boys make circle round him and want to murder him! All of them…but Peter says ‘No, everyone for me is the same – it makes no difference race, you misunderstand…’ They all wanted to hit him! And he was scared! I’ve never seen him so white.
ANNE	But what was it about to begin with? MAX A ladle, I tell you.
PAUL	Who knows? There’s always fights, who knows how they begin?
MAGI	Well, I’ve had enough of this ol’ kitchen. I’m going before the smells get in my hair.
PAUL	Have a good kip old son.
ANNE	And I must get started too. (Looks round barely populated kitchen.) You wouldn’t think this place will become a mad-house in two hours, would you now?
	Hold. Only the sound of work.
	DAPHNE to ANNE for a coffee.
	GWEN and CYNTHIA en route to the dining-room.
DAPHNE	So if he doesn’t come home tonight I’m going to leave.
CYNTHIA	Well he does have to work in the afternoon. GWEN She’s right you know.
DAPHNE	You always think everyone’s right.
GWEN	That’s life, deary, everyone usually is right. MAX Any luck on the pools, Ray?
RAYMOND	(Contemptuously.) Huh!
MAX	Norwich and Leyton let me down. Twenty points. Twenty points.
	HETTIE from dining-room to ANNE for a coffee.
HETTIE	Morning, Annie love.
PAUL	(To MAX.) Read about the man in the mental home who won thirty-five thousand pounds…?
RAYMOND	…and his wife turned up after eighteen years! PAUL Eighteen years!
	MOLLY and JACKIE en route to the dining-room.
MOLLY	Who the hell can afford a lawyer? I sent my brothers after him.
JACKIE	They beat him up?
MOLLY	The kids need his money not his blood.
JACKIE	And did you get it?
MOLLY	Not yet.
JACKIE	Beat him up!
	DIMITRI enters. A Cypriot kitchen porter, young, good-looking and intelligent. He’s happily carrying a home-made radio to PAUL. Speaks with an accent.
DIMITRI	I make it, Paul, I make it. There! She does not look handsome. I’m sorry for that.
PAUL	Clever boy, Dimitri, clever boy. Can we play it?
	They look around to check authority is not in sight.
	DAPHNE and HETTIE approach.
HETTIE	What is it, Paul?
PAUL	Is Marango around yet?
	DAPHNE Not yet. Whose is it?
PAUL	It’s mine. Dimitri here made it.
RAYMOND	All those little wires and plugs? Tell me, why you waste your time with dishes in this place. You can’t get a job in a factory?
DIMITRI	A factory? You think I find happiness in a factory? What I make there? This little wire, you see it? This I would make, or that…what you call it?
PAUL	Knob.
DIMITRI	Knob. That perhaps I could put in. All day. I would fix knobs. I tell you, in a factory a man makes a little piece till he becomes a little piece, you know what I mean?
	DIMITRI turns knobs looking for…a station. Crackles, hisses, foreign voices.
	DAPHNE fiddles with another knob. He slaps her wrist.
	Don’t touch!
DAPHNE	Owee! That hurt.
DIMITRI	I’m looking for a station, dummy.
RAYMOND	Hey, Dimitri, you know what happened to Peter last night?
DIMITRI	They nearly kill him. DAPHNE Oh my gawd!
DIMITRI	But you think it was Peter’s fault? They all wanted to fight. You put a man in a plate room all day – dishes to clean, stinking bins to take away, floors to sweep – what else is for him to do? He want to fight. He got to show he is a man some way. So – blame him!
	DIMITRI has found a station playing loud rock and roll.
	PAUL grabs a reluctant DAPHNE to dance.
	HETTIE attempts to involve DIMITRI.
	HANS enters, grabs HETTIE.
	At the height of the dance MONIQUE enters with tray
	of dirty glasses en route to plate-room.
MONIQUE	Marango’s in the dining-room! ALL What! What!
MONIQUE	Marango’s in the dining-room.
	Scatter and scramble. Work resumes. DIMITRI vanishes with radio to plate-room. HANS continues to changing-room. Atmosphere of innocence.
	ALFREDO enters, surprised at the scene.
ALFREDO	It’s only me, ladies and gentlemen, the mouse not the cat, and good morning to you all.
MAX	(Indicating ALFREDO’s station.) Your beef’s there.
ALFREDO	(Studying menu on the board.) Thank you, thank you.
MAX	You’ll find the new cook in the changing-room.
ALFREDO	(Dryly.) I can’t wait.
	MONIQUE en route to dining-room.
PAUL	I thought you said Marango’s coming.
MONIQUE	I said he’s in the dining-room and he’s probably still there.
RAYMOND	Monique, perhaps you can tell us what happened last night?
MONIQUE	Gaston has a black eye and I’m as angry as hell and I don’t want to talk about it.
PAUL	A right morning we’re going to have this morning then.
RAYMOND	And Peter – nothing?
MONIQUE	He was lucky.
RAYMOND	You mean he was with you so they couldn’t touch him.
MONIQUE	I mean he was lucky. They waited for him outside.
RAYMOND	And?
MONIQUE	He teased them. ‘You want to play gangsters?’ he says to them, ‘Go bring me Marlon Brando and I’ll play gangsters.’
RAYMOND	A time like that and he teases.
MONIQUE	And then he shakes hands with them and says ‘Good night, bonne nuit, gute nacht and kalinka’ one by one. And he leaves them all standing. (Smiles despite herself.) What could they do? (Smile fades.) The bully!
	HEAD WAITER from dining-room to menu-board, copying it out on his pad.
HEAD WAITER	Monique…
MONIQUE	Morning, Harry.
HEAD WAITER	Janey is sick.
MONIQUE	Not again. That girl’s anaemic, I swear she’s anaemic.
HEAD WAITER	Take over for the day, please.
MONIQUE	But I’m not dressed for hostess.
HEAD WAITER	That dress looks alright to me.
MONIQUE	This one?
HEAD WAITER	Just take off the apron.
MONIQUE	But it’s not ironed.
HEAD WAITER	You only have to show the customers to their table not dance with them. (Exits.)
MONIQUE	(Calling to him.) That’s three times this week I’ve been hostess. (But he’s gone.) Here, Bertha, look after this apron for me.
BERTHA	I’ll sit on it and keep it pressed.
	DAPHNE, GWEN and HETTIE en route depositing dirty glasses, plates, cutlery, collecting fresh ones.
MONIQUE	Hettie, Janey’s sick again, take over my station will you love? Daphne, give her a hand will you?
DAPHNE	I’m on glasses don’t forget.
MONIQUE	True… I forgot. Who’s left then? Winnie’s on ten. Gwen’s on… Gwen, what station you on today?
GWEN	Seven.
MONIQUE	Seven…that’s your hands full.
HETTIE	What about the new woman?
	The thought mischievously delights everyone.
MONIQUE	Mmmmm. Good idea, she claims to be an old hand. She can help you, and you can keep an eye on her – come on, let’s move.
PAUL	And may God bless you all.
MONIQUE	At least it means I won’t have to stand in front of that bully all day.
	They’ve gone.
PAUL	Fancy that sort of relationship?
RAYMOND	Peter and Monique? It’s not so bad for them – it’s her husband I wouldn’t like to be.
PAUL	(Ruefully.) No, you wouldn’t.
RAYMOND	There – I’ve done it again. Big feet! I’m sorry, Paul.
PAUL	That’s alright, I don’t mind being cuckolded – better men than me…
	MICHAEL en route from street to changing-room.
MICHAEL	(To BERTHA.) Morning, fatty. How are you?
BERTHA	And you can shut up for a start, little boy. I can wring your napkins out any day. With you tucked in them any day.
	MICHAEL passes GASTON coming from changing room.
MICHAEL	Your eye’s black.
GASTON	YOU TELLING ME SOMETHING?
MICHAEL	Alright, alright…phew…he looked as though he wanted to kill me.
PAUL	Who’d want to kill you, Michael?
MICHAEL	Quite right…who’d want to kill me? Young man in his teens, all the world in front of him. Look at it… (Takes in the stage.) …a lovely sight, isn’t it? Isn’t she beautiful? A bloody great mass of iron and we work it. Praise be to God for man’s endeavour – what’s on the menu today? (Looking.) I don’t know why I bother – it’s always the same: vegetable soup, minestrone, omolletteeeee au jambon – ah well! One day I’ll work in a place where I can create masterpieces, master bloody pieces. Beef Stroganoff, Chicken Kiev, and that king of the Greek dishes – Moussaka.
GASTON	Never. You’ll never create a Moussaka. Chips you can make – chips with everything!
MICHAEL	There was a time when the English knew how to eat. GASTON There was a time.
MICHAEL	Aye – well – yes – there was a time.
	HANS escorts KEVIN into the kitchen. NICHOLAS not far behind.
HANS	I not know where you work. On fish perhaps. Paul! new cook!
PAUL	We’ve met.
	ALL continue to work while KEVIN watches.
KEVIN	Is there much doing here?
PAUL	Everything’s relative – is two thousand customers a day ‘much’?
	While KEVIN shares PAUL’s humour an incident explodes elsewhere.
	BERTHA has been to the cold cupboard and emerged with a tray of sliced, cold potatoes.
	Following behind, about to start his work, is NICHOLAS, a beer in his hand.
NICHOLAS	(To BERTHA.) Where you go with that?
BERTHA	I need it for sauté.
NICHOLAS	(Attempting to snatch tray.) Oh no, no, no, that’s for me. Me. I prepare that yesterday for my salad.
BERTHA	(Holding on to tray.) You get your salad from the veg-room.
NICHOLAS	No, bloody hell! You get yours from the veg-room.
BERTHA	You don’t bloody hell me, my son. You bloody hell in your own country.
NICHOLAS	This is my country.
BERTHA	The lavatory is your country.
NICHOLAS	The lavatory is your country. And the sewers, you know that? The sewers.
	Finally snatches tray from her.
	She moves to take out another.
BERTHA	I’ll pay you, sonny. You cross me once, that’s all, just once. Lousy little foreigner you!
NICHOLAS	She calls me a foreigner! Listen to her…
ALFREDO	(Approaching cupboard for his own stock.) Excuse me friends, you can carry on in a minute.
	But the quarrel has died away. NICHOLAS approaches pastry section.
NICHOLAS	D’you hear her? The cow! Paul, you got some tart or cake, anything? I need something sweet!
	PAUL hands him a tart. NICHOLAS turns to KEVIN who has been watching with amusement.
	You the new cook?
KEVIN	Yes.
NICHOLAS	Good luck to you, you’ll need it. You know where your station is?
KEVIN	I don’t even know what stations there are.
NICHOLAS	Here I’ll show you. Right, for a start there’s the menu for the day, chef writes it out each night. Over here, this is where I work on the cold buffet. This is Max the butcher. And there, you see that fat bitch down there? Well she works, or says she works, as the veg cook. And here is my Aunty Anne who’s on teas and coffee. Next, Paul and Raymond are the pastry cooks – they have an easy life, make pastries in their own time which they give sweet Annie here to serve. And here – here is the front line. A lot of blood gets lost here. Alfredo on the roast, very efficient. Michael on soups and omelettes, very cheeky. Coco works here on fried fish but he’s very absent so perhaps you take his place. Hans here on deep fry. And over there is second chef, Frank, on poultry. And here, here is the best chef in the house and my best friend, Monsignor Gaston, who will grill steaks and chops, which puts him next to Peter on boiled fish. Peter very mad very bad. Gaston hates Peter…
	At which moment PETER enters in a great hurry, he is late, as always. He laughs his laugh.
PETER	H’ya, h’ya, h’ya! Auf geht’s! Auf geht’s!
NICHOLAS	Peter, the new cook, I give him to you.
PETER	So what shall I do with him? (To KEVIN.) You know where it is you work?
KEVIN	Not yet I don’t.
PETER	Where do you come from?
KEVIN	Ireland.
PETER	No, I mean what restaurant you work in before?
KEVIN	Parisito, Shaftesbury Avenue.
PETER	(Rubbing his thumb and finger together.) Good pay?
KEVIN	(Shaking his head.) That’s why I came here.
PETER	Oh, you get good money here – but you work! Oh yes, you work! Now, you help me. Can you make a sauce Hollandaise! You know, eggs and… (Makes motion of whisking.)
KEVIN	I can. I can. Yes, yes, I can.
PETER	(Briskly.) The eggs are already in a tin in the cold cupboard. There is a pot, the whisk is in the drawer and I melt margarine for you.
	By now EVERYBODY is hard at work. Each CHEF has entered at some moment or other.
	The ovens hum. The sounds of clash, rattle, and chopping on boards are an orchestrated kitchen symphony.
	The movement of CHEFS and waitresses are the slow part of a choreography that will grow into a dazzling ‘ballet’ by the end of the first act.
	MOLLY hands out the printed menu of the day. CYNTHIA parcels out fresh ‘baguettes’ for kitchen staff lunch. HANS shyly attempts to flirt with her.
HANS	Oh baby, wait a moment. I… I… I… Du gefällst mir, du hast mir schon vom ersten Tag an gefallen! Könnten wir nicht mal was zusammen arrangieren?
	She listens to him amused but uncomprehending before just walking away.
MAX	(To FRANK.) We got no lamb cutlets.
FRANK	Three carcasses came in yesterday.
MAX	So?
FRANK	So!
MAX	So you come and help me cut them up. I’m on my own today.
FRANK	What you got?
MAX	Veal cutlets.
FRANK	OK, so veal cutlets then. (To KEVIN.) New cook?
KEVIN	(Sweating, still beating his sauce.) Yes, chef.
FRANK	Right, you work on fried fish this morning.
PETER	Thank you. Thank you, but I got six dishes to prepare.
	GASTON passes by. PETER catches sight of the black eye. He’s surprised. GASTON glares.
FRANK	Coco is off today. Someone must do the fry.
PETER	Bloody house this is. Middle of summer and we got no staff. I got six dishes.
	The CHEF enters carrying his day’s roses which he hands to ANNE whose job it is to replace them for yesterday’s roses.
HANS	Morning, Chef.
PETER	Morning, Chef.
FRANK	Morning, Leo.
MICHAEL	Morning, Chef.
ALFREDO	Morning, Chef.
CHEF	(Handing roses.) Anne!
FRANK	(To KEVIN.) Here, you, get your fish out of the cold cupboard and come here, I want to show you something.
HANS	(To PETER.) Du, gestern Abend hat’s dich aber beinah’ erwischt!
PETER	Sie sind nur mutig, wenn sie zusammen sind!
HANS	Haben sie draussen auf dich gewartet?
PETER	Ja, da waren auch welche. Leider war ich mit Monika zusammen und jetzt spricht sie nicht mehr mit mir.
HANS	Sie wird auch wieder mit dir reden! PETER Ach egal! Auf geht’s.
	He and HANS boisterously sing their ‘Hi lee, hi lo, hi la!’ song. Ending in laughter.
GASTON	(Passing at that moment.) Madmen, lunatics!
PETER	Hey, Gaston, I’m sorry – your black eye, I’m sorry about it.
	MONIQUE enters, watching.
GASTON	DON’T TALK TO ME.
PETER	I say I’m sorry that’s all.
GASTON	You sorry because half a dozen Cypriot boys make you feel sorry. But we not finished yet.
PAUL	Gaston! What’s the matter with you? A man is saying sorry – so accept.
GASTON	Accept? He gives me this (Pointing to black eye.) and I must accept? (To PETER.) We not finished yet, I’m telling you.
PETER	What you not finished with? Tell me.
	MONIQUE moves appealingly to PAUL.
	You want to give me a black eye? That makes you feel happier? Alright! Here, give me one and then we’ll be finished, eh?
	He opens his arms and thrusts forward his face.
GASTON	(Moving away.) Don’t laugh, Peter, I’m telling you, it gets worse, don’t laugh.
	PETER mockingly drops to his knees, his arms still out.
	GASTON turns and bears down on him, fists raised. PAUL rushes to intervene and keep them apart.
PAUL	(To PETER.) So why are you tantalising him? Lunatic! Nobody knows when to stop. One of them is prepared to apologise, the other doesn’t know how to accept – and when someone knows how to accept so the other…
	PETER sings his mocking song.
	…ach! Lunatics!
	Throws up hands in despair. Retreats to his corner.
	PETER singing goes off to collect something from the cold-room.
	MONIQUE calls GASTON aside to look more closely at his eye.
MONIQUE	Show me the eye.
GASTON	Listen to him –
MONIQUE	Beautiful! First prize! (Kisses it.)
GASTON	– your boyfriend!
MONIQUE	He makes a lot of noise but he’s not really dangerous.
GASTON	Now Monique, don’t protect him.
MONIQUE	You know he wouldn’t hurt anyone intentionally.
GASTON	This eye –
MONIQUE	It was an accident, you know it was, between us you know it was, don’t you? Why don’t you just let me try and handle him?
GASTON	You? You’re like a bit of paper – the wind blows you about.
MONIQUE	I manage.
GASTON	Manage? What sort of a life is ‘manage’? Manage! He needs a big scare, a big fright.
MONIQUE	Fright? (Turning to PETER who blows her a kiss.) Nothing frightens that boy.
GASTON	Boy? Baby! You just threaten to leave him and you’ll see how frightened he’ll get.
MONIQUE	I’ve threatened but it doesn’t scare it only angers him. Angers him confuses me, frustrates us both. I could run this place with my eyes closed – but our relationship…? A weak, indecisive thing, me. Made for comfort, not crisis.
GASTON	Listen to him – baby!
	HEAD WAITER to CHEF’s desk.
HEAD WAITER	(Handing CHEF a letter.) Read it.
CHEF	What’s this one about?
HEAD WAITER	Read it. Read it.
CHEF	(Reading.) Sour soup? What sour soup?
HEAD WAITER	Yesterday’s sour soup.
CHEF	I was off yesterday, see Frank.
HEAD WAITER	(Mumbling, en route to FRANK.) He was off yesterday… a kitchen he runs.
FRANK	What do you want? (Meanwhile calling.) Nicholas! Twelve chickens!
NICHOLAS	There’s only six.
FRANK	Well phone for some more then! (To HEAD WAITER.) What sour soup? When sour soup?
	NICHOLAS en route to phone, followed by HANS who gooses him from behind.
HANS	Auf geht’s, Nicholas! Twelve chickens please, Nicholas. Move yourself Nicholas. Bonjour Raymondo, comment ça va?
RAYMOND	Ça va, toujours au boulot, etcetera.
HANS	Vive le frigue!
MAX	(Suddenly and violently to HANS.) You’re in England now. Speak bloody English. Everybody speaking in a different language – French, Italian, German. You come here to learn English didn’t you? Well bloody-well speak it then!
PETER	What’s the matter Max? You frightened of something? Have another beer.
MAX	I’m not frightened of you, I tell you that straight, so you can keep quiet.
PETER	(Approaching close to MAX and talking in his ear.) You know your trouble Max? You been here too long.
MAX	(Trying to move away from him.) Yes, yes, yes, Peter, alright.
PETER	(Following him.) How long have you been here? Twenty-one years? You need a change.
MAX	(Trying to move away again.) Yes, yes.
PETER	(Following him.) Why don’t you go work a season in Germany?
MAX	Sure to.
PETER	Visit other kitchens! Learn more.
MAX	Yes, yes. Get on with your work.
PETER	Don’t you worry about my work!
HANS	Genug, Peter.
PETER	You can’t bear a change? A new face upsets you?
MAX	Let’s drop it? Kapiret, yes?
PETER	Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! He speaks German!
HANS	Stop it, Peter.
CHEF	Alright, Peter – let’s have some work!
	MR MARANGO appears.
HANS	Marango!
	PETER returns to his work, as does everyone else – with excessive energy.
	MARANGO walks slowly round his kitchen inspecting everything – placing his hand on the hot plate to see if it’s warm enough, a mechanical movement – it’s a mechanical tour.
KEVIN	(To PETER.) Is it like this everyday? Look at me, I’ve never sweated so much since me glorious honeymoon.
PETER	It is nothing, this. This is only the preparation. Wait till we start serving – then! (Raises his hands.) You in place?
KEVIN	More or less. I’ve got me salmon cut.
PETER	Good, we eat soon.
	By which time MARANGO has arrived at KEVIN’s station.
MARANGO	(Gently.) New cook?
KEVIN	Yes, sir.
MARANGO	(Consolingly.) It’s hot eh, son?
KEVIN	Sure, an’ a bit more.
MARANGO	Never mind, I pay well. Just work hard, I pay well. (Continues tour.)
KEVIN	(To PETER.) He seems a kind old man.
PETER	You think he is kind? He is a bastard! He talks like that because it is summer now. Not enough staff to serve all his customers, that is why he is kind. Wait till winter. Fewer customers. Then you’ll see. The fish is burnt! Too much mise-en-place. The soup is sour! A man? A restaurant! I tell you – he goes to market at five-thirty in the morning, returns, reads the mail, goes to the office and then comes down here to watch the service. Here he stands, sometimes he walks round touching the hot-plate, closing the hot-plate doors, looking inside this thing then that thing. Till the last customer he stays, then he has a sleep upstairs in his office. Half an hour after we come back, he is here again – till nine-thirty, maybe ten at night. Everyday, morning to night. What kind of a life is that, in a kitchen! Is that a life I ask you? Me, I don’t care, soon I’m going to get married and then whisht! (Movement to signify ‘I’m off’.)
HANS	(En route with large tray to cold-cupboard.) Auf geht’s, Irishman! I must not speak German to you. I’m in England and have to speak bloody English. Hi lee, hi lo, hi la!
	MONIQUE passes in front of PETER.
MONIQUE	Bully!
PETER	Go to hell. (To KEVIN, proudly.) That’s my wife, or she will be soon. Look. (Takes postcard from wallet.) This card she sent me when she was on holiday. (Reading aloud.) ‘I am not happy till you come. I love you very much.’ And look, her lipstick marks. She is very lovely, yes?
KEVIN	She looks like a girl I knew, all bosom and bouncing. You know?
PETER	(Not really understanding.) We eat soon, eh? (To HANS.) Hans, hilf mir.
	They take a large, heavy pot off from the oven, and pass the contents through a strainer into a small pot which PETER has prepared on the ground.
	KEVIN has been comparing his printed menu with that on the board.
KEVIN	Look here, it says on the printed menu ‘fried plaice’ and on the board it says ‘fried sole’.
PETER	See the chef.
KEVIN	Good morning, Chef. Look, it says here fried plaice and on the board it’s got fried sole.
CHEF	I don’t know anything about it. It was my day off yesterday, see the second chef.
KEVIN	Have we got any plaice?
CHEF	(Sarcastically looking inside his apron.) It’s not here.
KEVIN	(To RAYMOND.) Doesn’t he care about anything?
RAYMOND	Only when it’s gone wrong.
	MONIQUE passes in front of PETER again carrying a tray of glasses.
MONIQUE	Bully!
	PETER is angry. Tries to make his quarrels with her secret, but it’s never possible in the kitchen.
PETER	Why do you keep calling me bully? All day you call me bully.
MONIQUE	(En route still.) Bully!
	PETER follows talking, as is his habit, in her ear.
PETER	You think to make me angry? What is it you wanted me to do? Let him fight me?
MONIQUE	(Turning on him.) He’s got a black eye now you see?
PETER	I see. I see. But he raised a knife to me.
MONIQUE	(Continuing on her way.) Bully!
PETER	(Following, the pathetic, jealous lover.) And remember you’re hostess today, I can see you through the glass, no flirting, do you hear? No flirting.
MONIQUE	I shall talk to who I like.
PETER	All the restaurant can see you. (To himself.) Cow! Disgusting cow!
MICHAEL	(Shouting.) Who has the strainer? Gaston? Peter?
PETER	I got it here. You’ll have to clean it. (To MANGOLIS, passing.) Hey, Mangolis, you clean this for Michael, please.
	MANGOLIS offers a rude sign. MICHAEL must heave strainer to clean himself.
HETTIE	(Attempting confidentiality with PETER.) Hey, Peter, tell me exactly what happened last night, did they…
PETER	(Dismissively.) No, no, cowards, all of them. It was nothing.
PAUL	(Rescuing her.) Hey, Hettie, did you go last night?
HETTIE	(Relieved. Ecstatic.) Mmmm.
PAUL	He’s a good actor?
HETTIE	What a man! One night, just one night with him, and I’d wash dishes the rest of my life. (Moves off.)
RAYMOND	(To PAUL.) You wonder my wife doesn’t make love like she used to?
PAUL	And that’s why I’m not going to marry again. I buy picture books and I’m happy.
	At which point the long procession of WAITRESSES bear down upon the CHEFS who have laid trays of staff food on the serving counters. The WAITRESSES help themselves.
GWEN	Alright boys, staff meal coming up – what have you got for us this morning?
ALFREDO	Curried cats and dogs.
BETTY	We ate curried cats and dogs yesterday.
ALFREDO	Some people never eat curried cats and dogs.
GWEN	Some people prefer never to eat curried cats and dogs.
JACKIE	Is this cabbage from yesterday?
HANS	It’s still good, eat it, eat it!
VIOLET	What on earth are these?
HANS	Very good, very good. Cauliflower and white sauce.
VIOLET	White sauce, it smells.
HETTIE	Got anything really good, Hans?
MOLLY	Like fresh boiled potatoes?
BETTY	Or fresh boiled carrots?
MOLLY	Or fresh boiled anything?
HANS	Not cooked yet, not ready yet, always complaining. You don’t like? Go to Chef!
CYNTHIA	Does anyone know how to cook in this kitchen?
	Another conflict explodes in between DAPHNE and her husband NICHOLAS who is making their quarrel too public for her liking. He is a little drunk.
DAPHNE	Liar!
NICHOLAS	Me? Me? Me a liar? DAPHNE Yes, you.
NICHOLAS	Oh! So I lied when I say I pass the catering exams, eh? I lie when I say I got a rise, eh? I lie when I say I got us a flat, eh? I always do and you always say I don’t. That’s a good marriage is it?
DAPHNE	You’re not satisfied? Move!
NICHOLAS	Listen to that woman’s twisting! Come and ask him then, come on. You don’t believe me, believe him then. (Calling.) Frank!
DAPHNE	No, Nicky, no…now stop.
NICHOLAS	Well if I tell you I got to work the afternoon, why don’t you believe me? Frank! Frank! Where is he now.
	Wanders off in search of FRANK while DAPHNE waits deeply embarrassed.
RAYMOND	(To DAPHNE.) Hit him! Go on, you’re big enough.
FRANK	(Dragged into the scene by NICHOLAS.) What the hell is it now?
DAPHNE	Nicky, don’t be a fool. (To RAYMOND and PAUL.) Oh for Christ’s sake, what do you think of this man!
NICHOLAS	No, ask him, go on. You don’t believe me.
FRANK	Ask him what, for hell’s sake?
NICHOLAS	Have I got to work in the afternoon or haven’t I?
FRANK	(Incredulous.) You called me for that? You mad or something? Do me a favour and leave me out of your quarrels, will you? (To OTHERS.) Asks me to solve his marriage problems. (To NICHOLAS.) I’ll tell you how to do it as well.
	Crashing in on their laughter is a loud scream from the steam-room.
	HANS runs out, his hands covering his face.
HANS	My face! My face! I’ve burnt my face.
	PEOPLE crowd round him.
FRANK	What happened?
HANS	Who bloody fool put a pot of hot water on steamer?
PETER	It fell on you?
HANS	Bastard house! I never worked before so bad. Never, never…
	PETER takes him off to first aid.
FRANK	He’ll live.
MOLLY	(Calling after them.) Put some of that yellow stuff on him.
FRANK	You’re not paid to advise. (To CROWD.) Alright! Break it up! The drama’s over. (Moves to CHEF.) No matter how many times you tell them they still rush around.
CHEF	(Not really interested.) Since when did youth listen to age? The new chap alright?
FRANK	Seems to be. (MARANGO approaches.) Look out.
MARANGO	How did it happen?
CHEF	I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Frank, how did it happen?
FRANK	(Wearily.) Someone left a pot of hot water on one of the steamers and he tipped it over his face.
MARANGO	He’s burnt his face. It’s not serious but – it might have been. (Moves away shaking his head sadly.)
CHEF	What can I do, Mr Marango? They rush about like mad, I tell them but they don’t listen.
	But MARANGO has gone.
	(To FRANK.) Much he cares. It interrupts the kitchen so he worries. Three more years, Frank, three, that’s all and then – whisht! Retire, finish! Then you can take over.
FRANK	Oh no! Not this boy. I’m in charge one day a week – enough! They can find another madman.
CHEF	Do you think I’m mad?
FRANK	Do you enjoy your work?
CHEF	Who does?
FRANK	So on top of not enjoying your work you take on responsibility – that isn’t mad?
CHEF	I’ve got a standard of living to keep up – idiot!
FRANK	(Moving away.) So go mad!
CHEF	Idiot!
	During this exchange trestle tables must be set up and laid out with cutlery, glasses, bread – for the CHEFS’ lunch-break. Whether it’s the kitchen porters or the CHEFS themselves who set up the tables is a choreographic decision for the director.
	NICHOLAS, FRANK and MAX eat at one table.
	KEVIN, MICHAEL, PETER and HANS at another.
	GASTON sulks on his own.
	ALFREDO, the loner, eats at his own station.
CHEF	(To MICHAEL.) Michael!
MICHAEL	Chef?
CHEF	The soup was sour yesterday.
MICHAEL	Sour?
CHEF	Sour!
MICHAEL	But it was only a day old.
CHEF	I’ve had letters from customers.
MICHAEL	(Contemptuously.) Customers!
CHEF	And Michael – don’t take chickens home with you.
MICHAEL	(Innocently.) Chickens?
CHEF	Take cutlets, take cold meats, take an apple or two but not chickens. Chickens are bulky. Wait till you’re my age before trying chickens.
MICHAEL	Ah! I must graduate to it like.
CHEF	That’s right, you must graduate to it like. You can have your lunch now.
	PETER and HANS return.
KEVIN	You alright?
	HANS throws his hands, fed-up.
PAUL	Let’s see. You look beautiful.
KEVIN	A Red Indian.
PETER	Come on, let’s eat.
	ALL move to their tables to eat.
	There is less activity in the kitchen now – a calm before the storm.
	A few WAITRESSES wander around. MANGOLIS sweeps, DIMITRI scatters sawdust.
KEVIN	(To PETER.) How long have you been here?
PETER	Three years.
KEVIN	How did you stick it?
MICHAEL	Sick already?
KEVIN	I don’t think I’ll last the day.
PETER	People are always coming and going.
HANS	I think me I’ll go soon.
MICHAEL	(To KEVIN.) The worst is to come. (To OTHERS.) Am I right? You wait till the service – ha! But you’ll get used to it after a while.
PETER	We all said we wouldn’t last the day, but tell me – what is there a man can’t get used to? Nothing! You just forget where you are and you say ‘it’s a job’.
MICHAEL	He should work on the eggs. Five dishes I’ve got, five! Hey, Paul, got any Religeuse left?
PAUL	Sorry, Annie’s got them all – some tart left from yesterday…?
MICHAEL	(Whispered to KEVIN.) Liar!
PAUL	Sorry!
KEVIN	I thought you could eat what you liked here.
MICHAEL	You can, but you have to swipe it. Even the food for cooking. If I want to make an onion soup that’s any good, I go to the cold-room and I take some chickens’ wings to make my stock. No questions, just in and out – whisht!
PAUL	(Guilty to RAYMOND.) Why do we say there isn’t fresh cake when there is?
RAYMOND	Don’t worry yourself they eat plenty.
PAUL	So do we! Have you ever caught yourself saying something you don’t mean to say? Why did I refuse Michael a cake? Doesn’t hurt me to give him a cake, most times we do but there’s always that one time when it irritates to be asked. Irrational, really. First thing in the morning I joke with him, then half way through the day I lie to him. Defending the governor’s property! As though it was me own! I don’t know what to be bloody loyal to half the time.
PETER	Hey, where’s Gaston? Why is he not with us, eating here? I black his eye not his arse.
PAUL	Leave off, Peter – the row’s over. Patch it up.
MICHAEL	(To KEVIN but loud enough for PAUL.) When husbands and wives can’t patch up their rows who are we to succeed?
PAUL	My wife was a mean-minded woman, Michael, so don’t talk about what you don’t know. She came from a well run and comfortable home but she was mean-minded. Every time someone asked ‘how are you?’ she’d snap at them – ‘busy-body!’ (MICHAEL laughs.) Oh yes you can laugh, cocker, but I used to have to spend hours listening to her bitch about other women. For hours on end – bitching! I even tried…
	Suddenly realises his explanations are pathetic.
	Ah! What the hell do I bother to explain to you for, here – take your bloody bit of cake!
	Over their embarrassment – another exchange – between ANNE and BERTHA who spoon food for their lunch out of various CHEFS’ pots and pans.
ANNE	I’m not a pub person myself…
BERTHA	Nor me – but I’ve got to confess, I like my little tipple…
ANNE	Drunk men! They embarrass me…
BERTHA	Not excessive, mind…
ANNE	Sentimental, violent, and repetitive…
BERTHA	Just enough to face the truth, but not act on it…
ANNE	Wise, Bertha, wise…
BERTHA	Otherwise I’d murder someone, see?
ANNE	…wise, wise, wise!
	Back to the OTHERS.
HANS	I think I go to America.
KEVIN	(Impressed.) America?
HANS	(Building, to impress more.) I already been twice. (Beat.) Worked on a ship. (Beat.) On a ship you waste more than you eat. (Beat.) You throw everything into the sea before you come into land. Imagine! Whole chickens! To the gulls – they fly behind, and wait.
KEVIN	(Eagerly.) Tell us about New York.
HANS	(Kissing his fingers.) Mmmm. New York! New York, das ist die schönste Stadt der Welt!
	PETER pokes.
PETER	(Warning.) English!
HANS	– when you arrive – the skyline! The Empire State Building! Coney Island! The Statue of Liberty and Broadway, a beautiful city. Open three in the morning, bars, night-clubs, rush here, rush there… And Kevin – women!
	The OTHERS cheer him on good-naturedly.
	I think this house not very good. KEVIN It’s not, eh?
PETER	(Moving to get a glass of water.) You got to turn out food hot and quickly. Quality – pooh! No time!
MICHAEL	(Lighting a cigarette.) It’s this that counts. (Rubs thumb and fingers together.)
PETER	Money, money, money!
KEVIN	I don’t believe it. It must be possible to run a small restaurant that offers good food and also makes money.
PETER	Of course it’s possible, my friend – but you pay to eat in it. It’s money. It’s all money. The world chase money so you chase money too. (Frantically snapping his fingers.) Money! Money! Money!
	PETER is near FRANK. A prank occurs to him. Shushing the OTHERS he places glass of water into the cavity of FRANK’s tall white hat, and creeps away.
	Frank!
	FRANK turns abruptly and of course the water spills over him.
FRANK	(Jumping up.) One day you’ll lay an egg too many and it’ll crack under you. Yes – you laugh…
PETER	Frank is also unhappy.
	GWEN approaches and lays a friendly hand on MICHAEL’s shoulder who can’t resist raising his hand to her buttocks.
GWEN	Who’s on fish today?
MICHAEL	Do you love me?
	GWEN takes his hand from her behind and thumps it very hard between his legs.
GWEN	I think you’re irresistible. Who’s on fish? KEVIN Me.
GWEN	(Moving off.) Right, I order four plaice.
	KEVIN immediately rises to serve. PETER pulls him back into his seat.
PETER	You got time. You not finished your lunch yet. The customer can wait. Be like Mr Alfredo. Nothing disturbs Mr Alfredo. Mr Alfredo is a worker and he hates his boss. He knows his job but he does no more, no less and at the right time. Mr Alfredo is an Englishman. (Looks at his watch.). Time to pilfer.
	He points to ALFREDO who is by a store-cupboard from which, after looking around, he takes something and tucks it in his apron.
VIOLET	(To FRANK.) Mr Marango would like a leg of chicken and some sauté, please.
FRANK	Mr Marango can go to hell, I’m eating.
VIOLET	(Moving off.) I’ll call for it in five minutes.
FRANK	If he thinks I’m going to eat half a lunch for him…!
MAX	You heard they nearly killed Peter last night?
FRANK	I wouldn’t have missed him – madman. I’ve had three years of him. Enough already!
NICHOLAS	They should kill ’em off! Boche! Kill ’em off! The lot! I hate them, you know? I don’t hate no one like I hate Boche. And they want to abolish hanging now – you read about it?
MAX	(To FRANK.) Do you think that bill’ll go through?
NICHOLAS	Me, I think if a man kills then he should be killed too.
MAX	(Approvingly.) An eye for an eye…
NICHOLAS	And we should use the electric chair. It’s no good this hanging.
MAX	(Insensitive delight.) Remember those two they put on the chair in America for spying? The bloody thing didn’t connect. They had to do it again. Ha! I bet the duty electrician got a bollocking.
FRANK	What do you want them to use – gas ovens?
	Which at once kills their laughter.
	MONIQUE saunters front of stage, cup of tea in hand, waiting for PETER to join her – their lunch-time ritual.
PETER	You forgive me?
MONIQUE	I can’t keep up a row, I laugh after a while.
PETER	I’m a good boy, really. When’s your day off?
MONIQUE	Tomorrow.
PETER	Then I won’t see you.
MONIQUE	No.
PETER	How you spend your day off?
MONIQUE	Er…let’s see… In the morning – shopping. In the afternoon – the hairdressers. And in the evening – I’m going dancing at the Astra.
PETER	Why do you have to go there? Prostitutes go there.
MONIQUE	I am going with Monty.
PETER	Then tell him. Tell Monty tonight.
MONIQUE	I can’t tell him yet.
PETER	We can’t go on like thieves. We do damage to ourselves.
MONIQUE	Peter, not here, please.
PETER	Here – inside here (Knocks his head with hand.) damage! We insult ourselves. I’m not going to wait much longer, you’ll see. You think I like this Tivoli.
MONIQUE	Now stop it! Why do you always choose a public place to talk about it? You go on and on, and I keep telling you to give me time. I’ve promised I will, and I will, so be patient.
PETER	Patient! Me, patient! You don’t believe me I won’t wait, do you?
MONIQUE	(Coldly.) Please yourself!
PETER	(Despairingly.) What do you want me to do? Do you want to make me something to laugh at? Three years I’m here now, three…
MONIQUE	(Leaving him.) Oh, ye Gods!
	PETER turns his fury on KEVIN.
PETER	Auf geht’s, Irishman. Finish now. Auf geht’s.
	KEVIN ignores him. PETER repeats it louder, pulling his chair from under him.
	Auf geht’s. Irishman, auf geht’s.
KEVIN	Alright, alright.
CHEF	(Calling.) OK, Frank.
FRANK	(To EVERYONE.) Alright, let’s get some work done.
CHEF	Clients are waiting, Michael. Mangolis! Dimitri! Clear!
MANGOLIS	Sir.
	DIMITRI and MANGOLIS clear away the lunch tables.
	ALL return to their stations.
	CHEF to KEVIN.
CHEF	You alright?
KEVIN	Yes, Chef.
CHEF	Let me see.
	Watches KEVIN demonstrate the actions of dipping fish into egg into crumbs into fryer.
	(Moving away.) Good. But quicker quicker quicker!
PETER	Quicker quicker quicker, Irishman!
HANS	Quicker quicker!
PETER	Watch him now, the Irishman, soon he won’t know what’s happening…hya hya hya!
	He and HANS sing their lunatic song.
KEVIN	Does your mother know you’re out?
	Freeze. The entire kitchen of CHEFS, KITCHEN-PORTERS, some WAITRESSES freeze in mid-action, mid-movement – a tableau of a machine about to go into action.
	The freeze breaks after MOLLY’s first order.
	WAITRESSES shout their orders at the appropriate station, not necessarily in front of them, en route to somewhere else.
	Dishes are handed out in varying forms: depending on the size of the order a CHEF will give a small, medium or large silver tray which the WAITRESS will place on top of a pile of plates. Sometimes single orders are served straight onto the plates, and WAITRESSES often cradle three or four at a time.
	Service begins very slowly and builds, gaining momentum in five stages of increasing speed.
	Important note. The following sequence of orders is based on a specific layout of the kitchen which enables the stage to be constantly peopled with movement.
	A different layout may necessitate a different sequence of orders so that the kitchen is never entirely denuded.
	The first stage begins with a count of eight beats between each order.
MOLLY	(To HANS.) Two veal cutlets.
HANS	Two veal cutlets.
GWEN	(To PETER.) Four cod… Do we order cod or is it ready?
PETER	It’s Friday, you order cod.
WINNIE	(To MICHAEL.) Two omelettes.
MICHAEL	Two omelettes.
CYNTHIA	(To HANS.) Four veal cutlets.
HANS	Four veal cutlets. Oh baby, wait a moment. I… I… I… Hast du dir’s überlegt? Gehen wir zusammen aus? Ich lade dich ein! Wir gehen ins kino und nachher tanzen. Willst du?
CYNTHIA	(Loud, as though to someone deaf.) No, I – have – to – go – and – get – my – plaice.
	HANS, away from his station, gazes at her as she moves around the kitchen.
DAPHNE	(To FRANK.) Three legs of chicken.
FRANK	Three legs of chicken.
HETTIE	(To NICHOLAS.) Two chicken salad.
NICHOLAS	Two chicken salad.
GASTON	(Shouting.) Hans! Comen sie!
HANS	Oh, my Gott! my cutlets are burning.
CYNTHIA	(To KEVIN.) Party of eight plaice to begin with.
KEVIN	Eight plaice. She’s a worker.
PETER	It’s nothing, this, Irishman.
JACKIE	(To GASTON.) Five grilled chops.
GASTON	Five grilled chops.
DAPHNE	(To NICHOLAS.) Three french salad, darling.
HETTIE	I was first.
DAPHNE	Special!
HETTIE	Special nepotism.
NICHOLAS	Three french salad.
DAPHNE	(To FRANK.) What’s nepotism?
MOLLY	(To GASTON.) Six steaks.
GASTON	Six steaks.
MOLLY	(Calling to MICHAEL.) Four minestrone.
MICHAEL	Four minestrone.
GWEN	(To FRANK.) Two roast chicken and sauté.
FRANK	Two roast chicken and sauté.
CYNTHIA	(To HANS.) These my veal cutlets?
HANS	These are your cutlets. Four kalbskotletts only for you, baby.
CYNTHIA	Oh really.
HANS	(To PETER.) Wunderbar! Peter look! Wie die geht! Wie die aussieht, die ist genau meine Kragenweit!
PETER	(Singing.) ‘Falling in love again…’
KEVIN	Hey Peter, any more plaice?
PETER	In the cold-cupboard.
	KEVIN en route bumps into DAPHNE.
DAPHNE	Watch it, Irishman.
	MONIQUE enters with a plate of soup, calling –
	MONIQUE Chef, soup’s sour again.
PETER	(Continuing to tease HANS.) ‘Falling in love again…’
HANS	Oh Peter, stop it! Ich weiss nicht, was ich anstellen soll! I speak quite good English already, but –
VIOLET	(To PETER.) Four cod.
PETER	Shut up!
HANS	(To PETER.) But with her I forget every word.
VIOLET	I said four cod.
	They ignore her.
HANS	Cynthia, she is smashing, yes?
VIOLET	(Giving up.) Prima donnas!
	CHEF and MONIQUE have moved down to MICHAEL’s station.
	MONIQUE, arms folded, stands waiting with her back to PETER.
CHEF	(Returning plate of soup.) Michael, the soup is still sour.
PETER	(To MONIQUE.) Now remember, don’t forget to remember.
MONIQUE	Remember what?
PETER	You ask me ‘what’? You don’t know what you are doing?
MONIQUE	No, I don’t.
PETER	Flirting! Flirting!
MONIQUE	That’s my job and there (Pointing.) is yours.
	While engaged with PETER, MICHAEL tipped the soup from one bowl into another and now hands the plate to her which she takes into the dining-room.
BETTY	(To ALFREDO.) Two roast beef.
ALFREDO	Hold it, hold it!
BETTY	Oh, is it ready?
ALFREDO	’Course it’s ready.
BETTY	Surprise, surprise!
PETER	Mangolis, plates!
MANGOLIS	Plates coming up.
GWEN	(To PETER.) Are my four cod ready?
PETER	Ja, ja, all ready just for you.
	Second stage from here on with a count of six beats between each order.
DAPHNE	(To NICHOLAS.) One salad.
NICHOLAS	One salad.
WINNIE	(To FRANK.) Two roast pheasant, darling.
FRANK	Oh charming. I love you. You’ll have chicken and like it!
HETTIE	(To HANS.) Two sausages.
HANS	Two sausages.
JACKIE	(To ALFREDO.) One roast pork.
ALFREDO	One roast pork.
DAPHNE	(At KEVIN’s station.) Two plaice. Oh, where the hell is he?
HETTIE	(At KEVIN’s station.) Three grilled turbot.
JACKIE	(To PETER.) Two cod.
PETER	Two cod.
	KEVIN rushes into view.
DAPHNE	(To KEVIN.) Two plaice. Come on, come on, Irishman.
KEVIN	Oh Jesus, Mother of God!
GASTON	Exo!
MOLLY	(To HANS.) My veal cutlets ready?
HANS	What do you think!
HETTIE	(To KEVIN.) Three grilled turbot.
KEVIN	Three grilled turbot.
	Third stage from here on with a count of four beats between each order.
MOLLY	(To NICHOLAS.) One lobster, one ham salad.
NICHOLAS	One lobster, one ham.
CYNTHIA	(To MICHAEL.) Three omelettes au jambon.
MICHAEL	Three jambons.
BETTY	(To GASTON.) Three entrecote steaks.
GASTON	Three entrecote steaks.
ANNE	(To PAUL.) I need fruit flans, Paul.
PAUL	Fruit flans coming up, old darling.
ANNE	Less of the ‘old’!
GWEN	(To NICHOLAS.) Two ham salads, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS	Two ham salads, Gwen.
GWEN	Annie, love, I need two coffees, please.
ANNE	Two coffees for Gwen.
WINNIE	(To HANS.) Two veal cutlets.
HANS	Two veal cutlets…oh God! (Calling.) Max! More veal cutlets and sausages!
MAX	Alright, alright.
GASTON	(Almost hysterical.) Max! Send up steaks and mutton chops quick.
MAX	Wait a bloody minute will you!
GASTON	(In panic.) I got six steaks ordered already.
MAX	So what am I supposed to do?
GASTON	(To nobody in particular.) Everybody the same in this bloody house. Slow! Slow!
	Fourth stage from here on with a count of two beats between each order.
WINNIE	(To KEVIN.) One plaice, please.
KEVIN	One plaice – right!
BETTY	(To FRANK.) One roast chicken.
FRANK	One roast chicken.
HANS	Come on, Max, my cutlets and sausages.
HETTIE	(To KEVIN.) Two grilled salmon, do we order it?
KEVIN	Yes, five minutes. Go on, hop it!
JACKIE	(To KEVIN.) One grilled trout, please.
KEVIN	(Rushing.) One grilled trout right away!
MOLLY	(To KEVIN.) Two plaice, please.
KEVIN	Alright! Alright!
PETER	(Shouting while he serves.) Ha – ha! He – he! Ho – ho! They’re here! They come!
HETTIE	(To NICHOLAS.) One chicken, one ham salad.
NICHOLAS	One chicken, one ham.
CYNTHIA	(To PETER.) One cod.
PETER	One cod.
WINNIE	(To MICHAEL.) One hamburger.
MICHAEL	One hamburger.
VIOLET	Are my four cod ready?
GWEN	(To HANS.) One veal cutlet.
PETER	(To VIOLET.) When did you order them?
HANS	One veal cutlet.
VIOLET	Five minutes ago. I came past and you were talking to Hans, remember?
PETER	I remember nothing. Come back in five minutes. Next?
VIOLET	You weren’t listening, that’s what it was.
PETER	You ordered nothing, I say, now come back in five minutes – next!
MOLLY	(To MICHAEL.) Two minestrone.
MICHAEL	Two minestrone.
PETER	– Five minutes!… Next?
VIOLET	Prima donnas!
GWEN	(To PETER.) One steamed turbot.
PETER	One steamed turbot.
BETTY	(To HANS.) Three veal cutlets, please.
HANS	(Mimicking.) Three veal cutlets, please.
	HEAD WAITER appears looking for VIOLET. He calls her and they pull aside while she complains about PETER, after which they move up to the CHEF.
JACKIE	(To NICHOLAS.) Two ham, one lobster salad.
NICHOLAS	Two ham, one lobster.
DAPHNE	(To ANNE.) Three fruit flan.
ANNE	Three fruit flan.
HANS	(To BETTY who has been waiting.) What you waiting for, you can’t see the cutlets cook?
BETTY	Well, last time I waited.
HANS	(Mocking.) Well, last time I waited.
BETTY	Oh get lost!
WINNIE	(To GASTON.) Three steaks.
GASTON	Three steaks.
HEAD WAITER	(To CHEF.) Ten minutes ago Violet ordered four cod. They’re not ready yet.
	TRIO move down to PETER while –
KEVIN	Plates!
GASTON	Plates!
MICHAEL	Plates!
CHEF	Peter…the cod not ready yet?
PETER	She’s a liar that one, she ordered nothing.
CHEF	Come on, come on!
PETER	(Dishing out.) One cod…two cod…
DAPHNE	(To ANNE.) Two coffees, Annie.
ANNE	Two coffees.
PETER	…three cod…four cod…
	As VIOLET turns with her plates of cod MANGOLIS, passing, collides with her. Plates crash to the ground. She follows to her knees.
VIOLET	Oh God, God, God! I can’t, I can’t!
JACKIE	(To ANNE.) Three coffees.
ANNE	Three coffees.
CHEF	Frank! Broken plates!
FRANK	Mangolis! Broken plates!
MANGOLIS	Broken plates! I can see! I can see!
VIOLET	Look at it all –
GWEN	(Bending to help.) Don’t upset yourself, love.
VIOLET	– I can’t work like this. I’m not used to this way of working.
BETTY	(To MICHAEL.) One minestrone. MICHAEL One minestrone.
VIOLET	I’ve never worked like this before, never, never!
PETER	Too old, too old my sweetheart. Go home old woman – for the young this work – go home!
HANS	Leave her alone, Peter. Look! your cod she smokes.
	PETER rushes back to his station. His movements are vast and theatrical. He always wants to play the fool.
PETER	(To KEVIN.) Oh God! She burns! The cod! Hya, hya, hya! She burns, Irishman. No good, no good!
	He rushes the frying pan with burnt fish to the dustbin.
HANS	That is not too good work, Peter, not good work, mein lieber. Pigs work.
	Final stage. From here on no gaps between orders.
GWEN	(To HANS.) One veal cutlet.
HANS	One veal cutlet.
	PETER laughs to KEVIN who has large queue at his station.
PETER	We have busy time, Irishman, yes?
KEVIN	Bloody comedian!
HETTIE	(To KEVIN.) My salmon ready yet?
KEVIN	Your what?
HETTIE	Me grilled salmon, love, me grilled salmon.
KEVIN	How many do you want?
HETTIE	Two.
CYNTHIA	(To MICHAEL.) My three omelettes.
MICHAEL	Your three omelettes.
DAPHNE	(To KEVIN.) Two salmon.
KEVIN	Two salmon.
JACKIE	(To KEVIN.) Three sardines.
KEVIN	Three sardines.
WINNIE	(To KEVIN.) Three plaice.
KEVIN	Three plaice.
	KEVIN has repeated their orders but hasn’t served them because he’s overwhelmed and behind.
KEVIN	Peter, for God’s sake will you give me a hand?
HETTIE	(To MICHAEL.) Two veg soups.
MICHAEL	Two veg soups.
PETER	(Helping KEVIN.) Let’s go Irishman, let’s go. The next?
DAPHNE	Two salmon.
PETER	Two salmon.
BETTY	(To HANS.) My veal cutlets.
HANS	Your veal cutlets.
PETER	And the next?
JACKIE	Three sardines.
PETER	Three sardines.
BETTY	(To HANS.) Oh come on, lobster face.
HANS	What does it mean, lobster face?
PETER	And the next?
WINNIE	Three plaice.
PETER	Three plaice.
HANS	(To BETTY.) Ein, zwei, drei!
PETER	(To WINNIE.) One, two, three! The next?
BETTY	Two plaice.
PETER	Two plaice.
	While PETER has been helping KEVIN, the following three orders pile up on his unattended station.
MOLLY	One turbot.
GWEN	One steamed halibut.
CYNTHIA	Two cod.
MOLLY	Oh come on, Peter.
	PETER rushes to his station, laughing, a merry fool going into battle, enjoying it all.
PETER	Look at this – hya, hya! Good morning, ladies, and the next?
MOLLY	One turbot.
PETER	One turbot. Next?
GWEN	One steamed halibut.
PETER	One steamed halibut.
CYNTHIA	Two cod.
PETER	Two cod.
JACKIE	(To FRANK.) Three legs of chicken.
FRANK	Three chicken.
KEVIN	(To PETER.) I’ve run out of lemons.
PETER	(With rude indifference.) Well cut some more then.
KEVIN	Let me borrow your cutting-board then, please.
	KEVIN moves to take it from PETER’s bench.
	PETER stops serving, leaps at KEVIN to grab board back – it’s every man for himself now.
PETER	Oh no, no, no, no, my friend. The plate-room, the plate-room, in the plate-room you’ll find one. This is mine, I have need of it.
KEVIN	But I’ll give it back in a few seconds.
PETER	(Pointing.) The plate-room! (Slams hand down hard on his cutting board. To CYNTHIA.) What do you want?
KEVIN	(Going to plate-room.) Well speak a little human-like,will yer, please?
PETER	No time, no time! Next?
CYNTHIA	(To PETER.) Two cod, for Christ’s sake.
PETER	Two cod, for Christ’s sake.
JACKIE	(To NICHOLAS.) One cheese salad.
NICHOLAS	One cheese salad.
VIOLET	(To NICHOLAS, tearfully.) One ham salad.
NICHOLAS	(Tearfully.) One ham salad.
BETTY	(To GASTON.) My steaks ready yet?
GASTON	About time!
BETTY	I had other orders didn’t I.
VIOLET	(To ANNIE.) One fruit flan, two coffees.
ANNE	One fruit flan, two coffees.
DAPHNE	(To FRANK.) Two roast chicken.
FRANK	Two roast chicken.
WINNIE	(To ALFREDO.) Two roast veal and spaghetti.
ALFREDO	Two roast veal and spaghetti.
JACKIE	(To MICHAEL.) One prawn omelette.
MICHAEL	One prawn.
GWEN	(To ALFREDO.) Two roast beef.
ALFREDO	Two roast beef.
MOLLY	(At KEVIN’s station.) Two sole.
CYNTHIA	(At KEVIN’s station.) Three plaice.
DAPHNE	(To GASTON.) Two lamb chops.
GASTON	Two lamb chops.
HETTIE	(To MICHAEL.) Two minestrones.
MICHAEL	Two minestrones.
MONIQUE	(To PETER.) Four cod,
PETER	What?
MONIQUE	Violet’s four cod.
MOLLY	(About KEVIN.) Where is he? He’s never here this one.
PETER	(To MONIQUE.) You wait for me afterwards?
MONIQUE	I’ll wait for you.
CYNTHIA	(Calling.) Come on Irishman, my plaice.
PETER	(To MONIQUE.) We go for a stroll.
MONIQUE	Yes, we go for a stroll.
BETTY	(To MICHAEL.) One minestrone.
MICHAEL	One minestrone.
MOLLY	(To CYNTHIA.) We’ll lose all those tips.
GWEN	(To HANS.) Four veal cutlets.
HANS	Four veal cutlets.
	KEVIN rushes to his station.
MOLLY	(To KEVIN.) Me sole, lovey, where’s me sole?
KEVIN	Wait a bloody minute, can’t you?
MOLLY	(To KEVIN.) Two of them.
GWEN	(To PETER.) Two halibut.
PETER	Two halibut.
BETTY	(To MICHAEL.) Three hamburgers.
MICHAEL	Three hamburgers.
CYNTHIA	(To KEVIN.) Three plaice.
KEVIN	Let me breathe will you?
CYNTHIA	No time for breathing, Irishman.
KEVIN	Is this a bloody madhouse?
NICHOLAS	Plates!
MANGOLIS	Plates!
KEVIN	Have you all gone fucking, raving, bloody mad?
	The final frenzy can be stylized:
	On KEVIN’s last line all the WAITRESSES move in a circle round the CHEFS shouting out the same sequence of orders which began from the freeze. At the same time the hum of the ovens builds and the lights hanging over the ovens burn with increasing intensity to a white light until –
	– the HEAD WAITER rushes in and shouts across to the CHEF –
HEAD WAITER	The bloody soup is still bloody sour.
	At which –
	FREEZE. BLACK OUT.
	END PART ONE.
	INTERVAL.
	(It is of course possible to perform the play without an interval, just as it’s possible to choreograph the final frenzy naturalistically rather than stylistically. The decision is the director’s.)

	Interlude
	Lights FADE UP on the sound of a guitar.
	It is afternoon break. The sounds of the oven are low.
	PAUL and RAYMOND work in their corner – the only two who work through the afternoon. KEVIN is flat out on his back on a wooden bench, exhausted. DIMITRI slowly sweeps the morning’s debris. PETER squats waiting for MONIQUE. HANS in another corner, with guitar, singing Áh Sinner Man’.
KEVIN	Finished! I’m done! You can serve me up for supper.
PAUL	(Ordering.) Boiled Irishman, please!
RAYMOND	(Continuing.) Fried tomatoes on his ears, potatoes round his head, and stuff his mouth with parsley and peas.
KEVIN	I’ll produce me own gravy! Did you see it? Did-you-see-that? Fifteen hundred customers, an’ half of them eating fish. (Beat.) I had to start work on a Friday!
RAYMOND	It’s every day the same, my friend.
KEVIN	I’m soaking. This jacket, I can wring it out. That’s not sweat, no man carries that much water. Kevin, you’ll drop dead if you stay. Get out! This is no place for a human being. You’ve got your youth, Kevin, keep it!
DIMITRI	Hey, Irishman, what you grumbling about this place for? Is different anywhere else? People come and people go, big excitement, big noise. (Makes noise, gesticulates.) What for? In the end who do you know? You make a friend, you going to be all your life his friend, but when you go from here – pshtt! You forget! Why you grumble about this one kitchen?
PETER	You’re a very intelligent boy, Dimitri.
DIMITRI	And you’re a bloody fool. I’m not sure I want to talk with you.
KEVIN	Oh, not the Gaston row again. It’s the break, no rows, peace, silence. Can you hear it? Silence. Nothing. It’s lovely – ahhhhh! (Moves.) Ooooh – I’m drowning – in me own sweat! Christ! What a way to die!
DIMITRI	(To PETER.) A bloody fool, you!
	PETER reaches for an empty cardboard box which he playfully dumps over DIMITRI’s head. Returns to his chair, dejected again.
	DIMITRI angrily flings it off and is about to throw it back but sees PETER with his head in his hands. Instead, he takes out a cigarette box and rolls one for PETER, giving PETER the paper to lick before folding it and sticking it in PETER’s mouth.
PETER	Hey, Irishman, I thought you didn’t like this place? Why don’t you go home and sleep?
KEVIN	Me home is a room and a bed and a painting of the Holy Virgin. It will always be there.
PETER	Like this place, this house – this too, it’ll always be here. That’s a thought for you, Irishman: when you go, when I go, when Dimitri go – this kitchen stays. When we die, it stays, think about that. We work here – eight hours a day, and yet – we take nothing. Here – the kitchen, here – you. You and the kitchen. And the kitchen don’t mean nothing to you and you don’t mean to the kitchen nothing. Dimitri is right, why do you grumble about this kitchen? What about the offices and the factories? What about them?
KEVIN	You want to come in one morning and find it gone?
PETER	Why not? Great idea. One morning. Imagine it – all this – gone!
KEVIN	You’d be out of work! PETER So? I’d die?
HANS	Du träumst schon wieder. KEVIN What’s he say?
PETER	He say – I’m dreaming.
	PETER stands, idly strolls round the kitchen, picks up a dustbin lid, a long ladle – shield and sword – clangs them inviting RAYMOND to a duel. RAYMOND picks up a whisk and a tiny saucepan lid. Comic duel ensues till PETER raises his arms in surrender.
PETER	Yah! War! (To KEVIN.) Did you use to play like this, Irishman? War, with dustbin lids and things? Yah! Not very good, eh, Irishman? War? Kids playing at war grow up peaceful they say. I think not so simple. Me, I never liked war games. I had my own group – boys, we’d build things – castles, huts, camps. Romantic! Youth! The world was young. Everything was possible.
	During this PETER has taken two dustbins, one on either end of the serving counters, their lids reversed so that he can put a container on top of each and a saucepan on top of the containers. From DIMITRI he takes a broom to lay across the top, and over it hangs a dishcloth. What else? He notices the CHEF’s roses, grabs them, selects the largest and finds a prominent place for it on his structure, giving the remainder to PAUL.
	Back to the audience he faces his creation at which all the OTHERS stare.
PAUL	Beautiful! What is it?
PETER	It’s my arch, and I was…and I was… (Grabs long ladle to use as saluting sword.) … I was ein grosser Deutscher Ritter!
HANS	Hey, Peter – weisst du noch?
	HANS strums the Horst Wessel song. PETER goose-steps through his arch mocking the Nazi past.
	PAUL showers him with roses.
KEVIN	(Muttering to himself.) Fucking Nazis!
	He can’t comprehend that PETER and HANS are being irreverent. Feels he must counter with an Irish revolutionary song.
KEVIN	(Singing over them.) ‘Oh Paddy dear and did you hear the news that’s going round…the shamrock is by law forbid to grow on Irish ground.’
PETER	You think we were serious?
KEVIN	Well if you weren’t it was a bloody tasteless game
PETER	In games you can dream. My arch was a dream.
KEVIN	Yeah! Of fucking world domination.
PETER	That was a dream of the past. Over! Finished with. Now my arch is a bridge. A new dream. When a man dreams he grows.
HANS	Du bist zu alt, Peter!
PETER	I’m not too old! Never too old. When you’re dead you’re too old. Hey Irishman, do you dream? Tell us what you dream.
KEVIN	You play your own games, Peter, leave me out of it, I’m past it.
PETER	Why are you ashamed of being a child, Irishman? We all friends here, why you ashamed to dream? I give you a chance.
KEVIN	I’m obliged!
PETER	Hey, Paul, Raymondo, Dimitri, stop work a minute. You got time. Here, come here. We are all given a chance to dream. No one is going to laugh, we love each other, we protect each other – someone tell us a dream, just to us, no one else. The ovens are low, the customers – gone, Marango – gone, it’s all quiet. God has given us a chance now. We never have the opportunity again, so dream – someone – who? Dimitri – you, you dream first.
DIMITRI	In this place? With iron around me? And dustbins? And black walls?
PETER	(Coaxing, inspiring.) Pretend! There’s no dustbins. That’s a big beautiful arch there – pretend! The walls are skies, yes? The iron – it’s rock on a coast. The tables – they’re rose bushes. And the ovens are the noise of the winds. Look at the lights – stars, Dimitri.
HANS	Peter, du verschwendest deine Zeit!
PETER	So what! So what if I waste my time? I got another sixty years to live, I can afford it. Dimitri – dream – a little dream – what you see?
DIMITRI	A small, a small, er – what you call it – a small house, a sort of…
PAUL	A hut?
DIMITRI	No –
KEVIN	A shed?
DIMITRI	That’s right, a shed. With instruments, and tools, and I make lots of radios and television sets maybe, and…
PETER	Ach no, silly boy. That’s a hobby, that’s not what you really want. You want more, more, Dimitri –
DIMITRI	More?
PETER	More! More!
DIMITRI	(Ironically.) More, more, more, more…!
PETER	Poor Dimitri! Hey, Irishman, you – dream!
KEVIN	I told you, leave me out of your games.
PETER	Come, a dream, a little sweet dream. You can do it. For us. Your friends.
KEVIN	Sleep! I dream of sleep. Most people sleep and dream, me – I dream of sleep, sweet sleep.
PETER	What is it with you all? Hans – you, what are your dreams?
HANS	Money! Geld, Peter. Geld! With money I’m a good man, I’m generous, I love all the world! Money, Peter, money, money, money, money! (Continues singing.)
PETER	How can you talk of money, Hans, when you make music?
HANS	Dreaming, mein lieber, dreaming, dreaming!
PETER	Raymondo?
RAYMOND	Me? Women!
PETER	Which women? Large, small? Happy? Black? Yellow? What kind?
RAYMOND	There is more than one kind?
PETER	Raymond, you make me very sad. Paul – you!
PAUL	Do me a favour.
PETER	Please!
PAUL	No.
PETER	Please, please.
PAUL	No, no, no! I – listen, Peter, I’m going to be honest with you. You don’t mind if I’m honest? Right, I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t like you. Now wait a minute – let me finish. I don’t like you. I think you’re a pig. You bully, you’re jealous, you go mad with your work, you always quarrel. Alright! But now it’s quiet, the ovens are low, the work has stopped for a little and now I’m getting to know you. I still think you’re a pig, only now – not so much of a pig. So that’s what I dream. I dream about friendship. You give me a rest, you give me silence, you take away this mad kitchen – so I make friends. So I think – maybe all the people I thought were pigs are not so much pigs.
PETER	You think people are pigs?
PAUL	Listen, I’ll tell you a story. Next door to me, next door where I live in Hackney is a bus driver. Comes from Hoxton. He’s my age, married, got two kids. He says good morning to me, I ask him how he is, I give his children sweets. That’s our relationship. Somehow he seems frightened to say too much, you know? God forbid I might ask him for something. So we make no demands on each other.
	Then one day the busman go on strike. He’s out for five weeks. Every morning I say to him ‘Keep going, mate, you’ll win!’ Every morning I give him words of encouragement, I say I understand his cause. I’ve got to get up earlier to get to work but I don’t mind – we’re neighbours – we’re workers together – he’s pleased.
	Then one Sunday there’s a peace march. I don’t believe they do much good but I go, because in this world a man’s got to show he can have his say. The next morning he comes up to me and he says, now listen to this, he says ‘Did you go on that peace march yesterday?’ So I says, yes, I did go on that peace march yesterday. So then he turns round to me and he says, ‘You know what? A bomb should have been dropped on the lot of them! It’s a pity,’ he says, ‘that they had children with them cos a bomb should have been dropped on the lot!’ And you know what was upsetting him? The march was holding up the traffic, the buses couldn’t move so fast!
	Now, I don’t want him to say I’m right. I don’t want him to agree with what I did – but what terrifies me is that he didn’t stop to think that this man helped me in my cause so maybe, only maybe, there’s something in his cause – I’ll talk about it. No! The buses were held up so drop a bomb, he says, on the lot! And you should have seen the hate in his eyes, as if I’d murdered his child.
	And the horror is this – that there’s a wall, a big wall between me and millions of people like him. And I think – where will it end? What do you do about it? And I look around me, at the kitchen, at the factories, at the enormous bloody buildings going up with all those offices and all those people in them, and I think – Christ! I think, Christ, Christ, Christ!
	I agree with you, Peter – maybe one morning we should wake up and find them all gone. But then I think: I should stop making pastries? The factory worker should stop making trains and cars? The miner should leave the coal where it is? (Pause.) You give me an answer. You give me your dream.
KEVIN	Hush, Patissier! Hush! It’s quiet now. Gently now.
	Long silence.
PETER	I ask for dreams – he gives me nightmares.
PAUL	So – I’ve dreamt. Is it my fault if it’s a nightmare?
	HANS throws one of the red roses to PAUL, who sticks it into his lapel, returns to his station.
	The ovens hum on.
	HANS continues playing.
	Everyone is subdued.
KEVIN	We’re waiting for your dream now, Peter boy.
DIMITRI	(Energetically attempting to break the atmosphere.) This is the United Nations! A big conference. Every country is here. And they got on a competition. Is finished the wars, is finished the rows. Everybody gone home. We got time on our hands. A prize of one millions dollars for the best dream. Raymondo he want a new woman every night. I want a workshop. Paul he wants a friend. Irishman he wants a bed, and Hans he just want the million dollars. Big opportunity! Come on, Peter, a big dream.
	PETER appears excited, as though a dream is growing inside him.
PETER	All this gone?
DIMITRI	You said so. One morning you come here, to this street here, and the kitchen is gone. And you look around for more kitchens and is none anywhere. What you want to do? The United Nations wants to know.
	ALL wait expectantly.
PAUL	Come on, come on!
PETER	Shush, shush!
	They wait on.
	But – confronted with his own idea – PETER is embarrassed, coy, hoisted by his own petard. He laughs like a mischievous child caught out.
	I can’t, I can’t.
	MONIQUE arrives and PETER forgets everything, the all-consumed lover, the excited child. Is ‘love’ his dream?
MONIQUE	Ready?
PETER	Ready, ready. I come, I come. Hey, Irishman, it’s soon time to come back. Go home. Change. You’ll catch pneumonia. Auf geht’s, auf geht’s!
	The mad PETER rushes out with his MONIQUE.
DIMITRI	(Shouting after PETER.) Bloody fool! We wait for a dream.
	But he has abandoned them. HANS strums, the ovens hum.
PAUL	He hasn’t got a dream.
KEVIN	It’s all mad talk if you ask me. I see no point in it. I don’t see no point in that Peter bloke either. He talks about peace and dreams and when I ask him if I could use his cutting-board to cut me lemons this morning he told me – get your own. Dreams? See yous!
	KEVIN leaves. HANS plays on. DIMITRI returns to his sweeping.
PAUL	(To DIMITRI.) So you tell me that point to all that. I don’t even know what I was saying myself.
DIMITRI	Why should I know? (Sweeping as he talks – to take the edge off his ‘message’.) Sometimes things happen and no one sees the point – and then suddenly, something else happen and you see the point. Peter not a fool. You not a fool. People’s brain moves all the time. All the time. I’m telling you.
	DIMITRI sweeps on.
	HANS finishes his song, rises, bows, exits.
	The next moments happen very, very slowly to denote the passing of time.
	PAUL wanders idly to a position upstage, RAYMOND to another position. The triangular relationship of the three men embraces the kitchen.
PAUL	Best part of the day.
	Silence.
RAYMOND	When they’re gone I slow down.
	Silence.
PAUL	Longest part of the day, though, isn’t it?
	Silence.
RAYMOND	Yes, the longest part.
	MANGOLIS enters humming the melody of a Greek dance.
	DIMITRI strikes part of the arch.
	The afternoon is over.
	GASTON enters and joins in with the melody, DIMITRI follows. The three men begin a dance. NICHOLAS enters, joins the dance...
	Part Two
	… At the end of the Greek dance DIMITRI kicks a cardboard box – a football game!
	MICHAEL enters, intercepts box at his feet.
MICHAEL	And that great little inside left, Michael Dawson, has the ball again. Will he miss this golden opportunity? Can he hold his own against the great Arsenal backs? He does! Yes! Past Wills, past MacCullough, past Young – and he’s going to shoot. He shoots! And it’s a goal! A goal – yes! His fifth goal making the score Leyton Orient eighteen, Arsenal nil. What a game! What a boy! (Beat.) Look at this place, like a battlefield, grrr – it smells of the dead.
	MONIQUE stamps through the kitchen, furious. All watch.
PAUL	Well, they started the afternoon happy. Did you have a good afternoon, Michael?
MICHAEL	Too bloody good. St. James Park…lying in the sun… dozing…the girls…mmmm! (Beat.) Saw Nick and Daphne there.
PAUL	There’s nice for you.
MICHAEL	Rowing on the lake.
RAYMOND	Ahhhhhh – touching!
MICHAEL	Guess who was doing the rowing… (Beat.) You’re the lucky ones, though – not having to break in the afternoon, come back to work…
PAUL	I thought you liked the place.
MICHAEL	I don’t mind the coming in, it’s the coming back.
	ALFREDO has returned, straight to his station.
	Not old Alfred, though. Look at him – in, out, cook, serve – he doesn’t mind.
	PETER has followed him in, but hung back, morose.
ALFREDO	Well come on, Peter boy, work! It won’t hurt you. Stock up! Replenish! Life goes on!
PETER	My arch! Who took down my arch away? I want Marango see it.
	GASTON is tauntingly emptying waste into one of the bins.
	You leave it! Leave it!
	PETER sits on a stool, aside.
	OTHERS slowly return.
	CYNTHIA and HETTIE en route from street to changing room.
CYNTHIA	There’s a lot goes on in the restaurant I could tell you about.
HETTIE	Well tell me, tell me, tell me!
	ALFREDO approaches to pacify PETER.
ALFREDO	You’re not ill are you?
PETER	Who knows.
ALFREDO	No pain nor nothing?
PETER	No. Alfre–
ALFREDO	Good! You have all your teeth?
PETER	Yes, look –
ALFREDO	Good! You have good lodgings?
PETER	Yes, look Alfre–
ALFREDO	So tell me what you’re unhappy for?
PETER	(Rolling himself a cigarette.) Alfredo, you’re a good cook, yes? You come in the morning, you go straight to work, you ask nobody anything, you tell nobody anything. You are ready to start work before we are, you never panic. Tell me, is this a good house?
ALFREDO	(Drily.) Depends. It’s not bad for Mr Marango!
MICHAEL	(Approaching PETER.) Peter, got one of those for me?
	PETER hands him the one he’s just rolled and begins to roll another. MICHAEL lingers.
ALFREDO	I’m an old man. It’s finished for me. Mind you I’ve worked in places where I could do good cooking. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I work only for the money.
MICHAEL	Quite right! Light?
PETER	(To MICHAEL as he looks for match.) You like it here, don’t you?
MICHAEL	The ovens –
PETER	I got no matches.
MICHAEL	I love the sound of the ovens. (Calling.) Raymondo, got a light?
	RAYMOND throws him matches.
PETER	Idiot! He ‘loves’ the sound of the ovens! You stand before them all day! They’re red hot! Someone orders an onion soup and you put soup and bread and cheese in a tin to grill – jump! Then someone orders ham-and-egg, in another tin – jump! Then someone orders an omelette and you jump to mish that; then someone throws you a hamburger and you jump to fry that. You go up you go down, you jump here you jump there, you sweat till steam comes off your back –
MICHAEL	– I love it –
PETER	– good luck to you!
	MONIQUE strolls up.
ALFREDO	(To MONIQUE.) Here, you talk to him – he’s your generation.
PAUL	(To RAYMOND.) Come on Lightning, let’s get some work done.
MONIQUE	(To PETER.) Still sulking? You started the row, not me. You’re just like a little boy.
PETER	Would you like me old and fat, like your husband? MONIQUE Stop hating him so much.
PETER	I don’t hate him. I try but I can’t. It would be easier if I could but I can’t. A good man, kind and no vices – who can hate such persons.
	VIOLET and BETTY on route to the dining room.
VIOLET	I’m bruised all over, bruised!
BETTY	You’ll get used to it.
VIOLET	Never!
BETTY	You get used to anything if you have to.
MONIQUE	I’m sorry I left you standing in the street.
PETER	You’re always sorry afterwards. Like a dog she leaves me.
MONIQUE	Where did you go?
PETER	Never mind – I went! Go on, go! Go wipe your glasses, it’s nearly time. (Pushing her roughly.) Go, leave me!
MONIQUE	Look at you. Look at you…is it any wonder I’m confused when you behave like this? I come to apologize, to be reasonable, to say I’m sorry, but you…you…you…
	She leaves him.
	DAPHNE and HETTIE giving out new menus.
KEVIN	I’ll be taking my leave tonight by Christ.
GASTON	You’ll get used to it, stay! It’s good money.
KEVIN	To hell with the money an’ all. I like me money but this isn’t work, it’s hell and high pressure. An’ the food! No one cares, that’s what gets me, no one cares.
VIOLET	Nor about the waitresses, either. They don’t even care about themselves, letting themselves be pushed around, get this get that, faster, faster.
HEAD WAITER	Won’t be so bad this evening, Violet. If you survived lunch you’ll last out. It’ll just be hot – hot and close. For everyone!
VIOLET	I can remember working in places where you had to move like a ballet dancer, weave in and out of tables with grace. There was room, it was civilized.
KEVIN	Starch and clean finger-nails – I heard about it.
	HETTIE pirouettes off –
VIOLET	(After her.) And we didn’t mind, either – we had to queue up and be inspected, all of us, chefs too – it was civilized. I once served the Prince of Wales.
	Look at me, bruises!
KEVIN	Look at me! Three stone lighter!
HANS	(To KEVIN.) Marango will try to make you stay.
KEVIN	Now there’s a man. Have you watched him? One of the girls dropped some cups by there this morning and he cried, ‘me wages’ he cried. ‘All me wages down there!’ And do take notice of the way he strolls among us all? I thought he’d a kind face, but when he’s done talking with you his kindness evaporates. In thin air it goes, sudden, and his face gets worried as though today were the last day and he had to be closing for good and he were taking a last sad glance at everything going on. This mornin’ he watched me a while, and then walked away shaking his head as though I were dying and there was not a drop of hope for me left an’ all.
HANS	(To PETER.) What he has said?
PETER	Marango spielt den lieben Gott!
	RAYMOND en route across kitchen with tray of tarts.
	DAPHNE swipes one as he passes.
RAYMOND	Bon appetit!
GASTON	Paul, you got some cake?
PAUL	(Calling to RAYMOND.) Give the boy some cake.
	Which he does from his tray.
	(To HANS.) You got over this morning yet?
HANS	This morning, ach! He’s a big fool, that Max. He’s like a dustbin – full of what other people throw away!
RAYMOND	So why you take notice. Listen to them.
	He refers to MAX and NICHOLAS who are just then entering from the changing-room in the middle of a quarrel.
NICHOLAS	No, no, no! I’m never going to listen to you again, never!
MAX	Good! Very good! I’m fed up with you hanging around me anyway. ‘Max should I do this, Max should I do that?’ Well, Max isn’t your father.
NICHOLAS	You’re damn right he’s not my father. My father was a man with kindness, my father never betray what I tell him.
MAX	Well I didn’t betray what you told me either, I keep telling you, I –
NICHOLAS	My father brought up nine children and all of them good people. My –
MAX	I didn’t tell anyone, I keep telling you –
NICHOLAS	My father –
MAX	Your father nothing! He’s been dead since you was three years old so don’t give me ‘my father’ bullshit.
	BERTHA enters from the street en route to changing-room and catches RAYMOND’s words.
RAYMOND	The first thing in the morning they come in and drink a bottle of beer – then they’re happy. All day they drink.
BERTHA	And their breaths smell, and their words slur, and they become stupid in a way that only men can become stupid.
PAUL	So Hans, what are you going to do about Max the bigot?
HANS	He doesn’t like I talk in German, what can I do! (Tragically.) You know, Paul, you – you are a Jew, and me – I am a German. We suffer together.
	PAUL snorts, cynically, unsure if HANS comprehends what he’s uttered. Gives him the benefit of the doubt, takes the rose from his lapel and hands it to him. Reconciliation!
KEVIN	Is that a Jew, then?
HANS	(Sentimentally.) A very good boy. KEVIN Well who’d have thought that now?
	He regards the remains of PETER’s arch which is in his way.
	Is he ever going to take his arch down?
BERTHA	Take it down.
KEVIN	Not me, I value my life.
BERTHA	Well look at that for a sight!
	A TRAMP wanders into the kitchen and becomes the centre of attraction.
MAX	(Shouting to BERTHA.) Bertha, your old man has come to take you home.
BERTHA	I’ll come after you – then see who’ll laugh.
TRAMP	(To KEVIN.) ’Scuse me. The Chef please, which’n is he?
KEVIN	Napoleon there.
	By which time the CHEF has reached him.
TRAMP	’Scuse me, Chef, (Tapping his knee.) war disabled, I don’t usually ask for food but I lost me pensions book, see, I don’t like to ask but…
CHEF	Michael, clean a tin and give him some soup.
TRAMP	(To KEVIN.) Don’t usually do this. Can’t do anything till they trace me book. (To HANS, tapping his knee again.) Got it in the desert, ’gainst Rommel.
HANS	(Wryly.) Rommel! Ah ha!
TRAMP	Got papers to prove it, too. Here, look, papers! Always carry these around with me. Everyone got to have his papers and I always carry mine. Be daft for the likes of me to leave them anywhere, wouldn’t it? Who’d believe me otherwise, see? Papers! (Beat.) Watcha making? Spaghetti Bolonaizeeee? That’s good – Italian food. Do you put bay leaves in? Good with bay leaves, not the same without. Bay leaves, red peppers, all that stuff. (Catches sight of ruins of arch.) What’s this? A dream castle?
	PETER regards the TRAMP appreciatively.
	MICHAEL hands him a tin of soup.
MICHAEL	Here you are.
TRAMP	Got a cigarette?
MICHAEL	Yes, and I’m smoking it.
MAX	(Who’s passing.) Go on, ’op it, be quick, we got work.
	PETER approaches TRAMP, takes tin of soup out of his hand, offers it to MAX.
PETER	You drink it?
MAX	Go to hell, you and your high and bloody mighty gestures. I work for my living, fool!
	PETER tosses tin of soup into dustbin. From HANS’ station he hurriedly snatches two meat cutlets which he thrusts into the TRAMP’s hands gently pushing him on his way.
PETER	Take these cutlets and go, quick, whisht!
	But he’s not quick enough. The CHEF has observed.
CHEF	(Quiet and menacing.) What’s that?
PETER	I gave him some cutlets.
CHEF	Mr Marango told you to give him?
PETER	No, but…
CHEF	You heard me say, perhaps?
PETER	No, I…
CHEF	You have authority suddenly?
PETER	(Impatiently.) So what’s a couple of cutlets – we going bankrupt or something?
CHEF	It’s money, that’s what, and it’s me who’s Chef that’s what, and…
	PETER moves away muttering dismissively ‘ach!’ The CHEF follows him, furious.
	Don’t think we’re too busy I can’t sack you. Three years is nothing you know, you don’t buy the place in three years, you hear me? Don’t go thinking I won’t sack you.
	MARANGO has arrived on his rounds.
MARANGO	Yes?
CHEF	The tramp – Peter gave him a cutlet, it was his own supper.
	CHEF returns to his station leaving MARANGO to nod sadly at PETER, as though PETER had just insulted him. He continues on his rounds nodding all the time, muttering –
MARANGO	Sabotage… It’s sabotage you do to me… It’s my fortune here and you give it away…
PETER	But it…
MARANGO	(Not bothering to look round.) Yes, yes, yes! I’m always wrong, of course, yes, yes, yes…
	PETER attempts a final explanation as MARANGO disappears into the dining-room.
DIMITRI	Don’t tantalize the boss, Peter. Listen to this friend.
PETER	Dimitri, I need a cup of very black coffee.
DIMITRI	(Going to get it.) You need friends and a good kick up the arse, that’s what you need.
HANS	Oh, pass auf, der ist wirklich hinter dir her!
PETER	Ach, er erwartet, dass die ganze Welt auf seine Küche aufpasst!
KEVIN	I seem to remember being told not to grumble by someone.
PETER	A bastard man! A bastard house!
KEVIN	And he also said you could get used to anything.
PETER	But this house is like – is like –
PAUL	Yes? What is it like?
PETER	God in heaven, I don’t know what it’s like. If only it – if only it –
KEVIN	Yes, yes – if only it would go.
PETER	Just one morning – to find it gone.
PAUL	And then what? We couldn’t depend on you for a dream, could we?
PETER	A dream?
PAUL	Yes, a dream, a dream. The United Nations is waiting for Peter’s dream.
PETER	I can’t, I can’t.
JACKIE	Annie, I’ve got a late tea party. A dozen mixed desserts, please.
PETER	(Violently pulls down half his arch.) I can’t dream in a kitchen!
HANS	Aha! Und jetzt spielst du wieder den wilden Mann!
	BERTHA and MONIQUE have been watching this from different corners. BERTHA sets aright a dustbin which brings her close to MONIQUE.
BERTHA	Why don’t you hop it out of here, girl like you –
MONIQUE	Girl like me what?
BERTHA	Pack it in, Monique. Peter I mean – dissolve it.
MONIQUE	Just like that?
BERTHA	Just like that.
MONIQUE	If only it was so simple. Twice he’s given me a baby, twice I’ve disappointed him. He wanted them both. Dissolve that.
BERTHA	(Leaving her.) Ah, why don’t we all hop it?
MONIQUE	Good question, Aunty Bertha.
	PETER sidles up to MONIQUE from behind, arms round her waist, talking close to her ear.
PETER	I’m sorry.
	MONIQUE remains stiff, her arms folded.
MONIQUE	Not an attractive future, is it? Apologising – first you, then me…
PETER	Did you see that tramp?
MONIQUE	What tramp?
PETER	You didn’t hear?
MONIQUE	Hear what?
PETER	(Proudly, laughing, trying to recapture her.) I had a row about him. Mr Marango and the Chef there, they wanted to give him a dirty tin full of soup so I threw it away and gave him some cutlets.
MONIQUE	And Marango caught you?
PETER	(Imitating.) ‘Sabotage’ the old man said, ‘sabotage! All my fortune you take away.’
MONIQUE	Oh, Peter!
GWEN	(To MICHAEL.) Two sour minestrone.
MICHAEL	I’ll sue you for defamation of character.
PETER	(Tenderly.) You want to know where I went this afternoon?
MONIQUE	Where?
PETER	To buy you a birthday present.
MONIQUE	But it’s not my birthday.
	PETER takes out a necklace, places it round her neck.
PETER	I will make every day your birthday.
	She’s delighted and now turns to pull him to her, biting his neck.
HETTIE	(To HANS.) One veal cutlet.
HANS	One veal cutlet.
WINNIE	(To NICHOLAS.) Two ham salads.
NICHOLAS	Two ham salads.
CYNTHIA	(To HANS.) One veal cutlet.
HANS	One veal cutlet.
	By now HANS and CYNTHIA have a relationship. She lingers to chat with him.
GWEN	(To MICHAEL.) Minestrone.
MICHAEL	Minestrone.
PETER	Ah, you want to eat me. How do you want me? Grilled? Fried? Underdone? Well done?
	While PETER and MONIQUE are locked in embrace a cry comes up from the back of the kitchen. WINNIE has doubled up in pain and passed out.
	A crowd rushes to her. It all happens very quickly, hardly noticed. PETER and MONIQUE do not even hear.
	FRANK lifts her in his arms and takes her into the changing-room.
ALFREDO	Alright! Don’t crowd! Give her air.
PAUL	(To MOLLY.) Who was it? What’s happened?
MOLLY	It’s Winnie, she’s passed out.
KEVIN	(To GASTON.) Well what was all that about now?
GASTON	(Guessing.) The heat. Always affecting someone. Terrible.
PETER	(To MONIQUE.) Did you – have you – are you still going to do it? I mean I…
MONIQUE|	Don’t worry, Peter, I’ve told you I shall see to it. It’s not the first time, after all.
PETER	You don’t think we should go through with it?
MONIQUE	I had a dream last night –
	A strange quiet descends on the kitchen. Huddles of PEOPLE around the stage.
	It is as though everyone is exchanging something private with someone else.
	– about blood.
PETER	I don’t mind being responsible.
MONIQUE	I was in a slaughter house…
PETER	After all it is my baby.
MONIQUE	…walking through it, like a roving camera’s eye. There were men and women, all working on carcasses. The odd thing about the women was that they were all made up, beautifully groomed hair, carefully lipsticked and rouged and powdered. But splashed with blood. Blood. It was everywhere. The most horrifying moment was when I came across a group of slaughterers standing around a cow, and although the cow was skinned and had its eyes gouged out yet it was still alive and on its feet. Somehow I seemed to know that doing it this way improved the quality of the meat. And there was one man in particular, with a long stick at the end of which was a curved, very sharp knife, and he was slicing off the right-hand cheek of the cow’s face. And the animal just stood, shuddering, blind, passive.
	The moment ends. The groups disperse. Work continues.
PETER	The dream warns. You should have the b–
MONIQUE	Enough! I’m not going to talk about it any more.
	She seems a changed personality.
PETER	You mean you’ve told Monty about us then?
	MONIQUE draws lipstick and a powder puff from her pocket, attends to her make-up.
MONIQUE	You really must stop rowing with Marango, darling.
PETER	Did you speak to Monty as we agreed?
MONIQUE	You’ll lose your job, you’ll see.
PETER	Did you speak to Monty?
MONIQUE	He won’t stand your cheek forever.
PETER	You haven’t have you!
MONIQUE	I keep warning and warning –
HETTIE	(To FRANK.) Two chicken.
PETER	Monique, I love you.
MONIQUE	Not this again, please.
FRANK	Two chicken.
PETER	Please listen to me that I love you.
MONIQUE	I know you do.
PETER	And I know you love me.
MONIQUE	Peter, please.
PETER	But you don’t say to your husband this thing.
	She doesn’t answer.
	You’re not going to leave him are you?
MONIQUE	I can’t live under this pressure.
PETER	What d’you want I should do?
MOLLY	One minestrone.
PETER	Tell me what I should do, I’ll do it.
MICHAEL	One minestrone.
PETER	Tell me.
MOLLY	(To MICHAEL.) You sober enough to make an omelette?
PETER	We could leave any day.
MICHAEL	One OM-EL-ETTE. Witch!
PETER	I have money. We could go for a long holiday first. Skiing in Switzerland, perhaps.
HETTIE	Two coffees, Annie.
PETER	Let’s leave tomorrow. Tomorrow, Monique. Imagine – fly from all this to somewhere beautiful. Think about it.
MONIQUE	I’m going to the hair-dresser tomorrow.
PETER	Monique, we row this morning, we row this afternoon, this evening we are in love again… Answer me.
GWEN	(To ALFRED.) Two roast beef.
PETER	Monique – answer me!
MONIQUE	Did I tell you Monty is buying us a new house?
PETER	(Screaming.) Monique!
	She glances around, embarrassed. Mutters ‘you fool!’ Stalks off.
	VIOLET approaches PETER.
VIOLET	You serving yet, Peter? I want three turbot. Special for Marango.
PETER	It’s half-past six yet?
VIOLET	It’s nearly…
PETER	Half past six is service.
VIOLET	But it’s special…
PETER	Half-past six!
DAPHNE	(To HANS.) Two sausages.
HANS	Two sausages.
	Service is starting up again, not so hectic, and taking longer to get into stride.
	WAITRESSES appear. Most people are by now at their station, except for a knot of KEVIN and HANS around GASTON’s station.
BETTY	(To KEVIN.) Two plaice.
KEVIN	Two plaice, I’m coming, I’m coming. (To HANS as he moves to his station.) Me, I’d have a Jaguar. It’s got a luxury I could live with.
GASTON	Have you seen the new French Citroen? Just like a mechanical frog it looks.
HANS	And the Volkswagen? It’s not a good car?
KEVIN	Now there’s a good little car for little money.
HANS	No country makes like the Volkswagen.
KEVIN	You’ve gotta hand it to the Germans.
	Service is gentle, and orders ring out in comfort.
	CYNTHIA, an order in her arms, pauses by the CHEF’s station to gossip. MAX and NICHOLAS stand by, listening.
CYNTHIA	Heard what happened to Winnie? She’s been rushed to hospital. Pregnant.
CHEF	Miscarried?
CYNTHIA	And no accident neither.
MAX	Silly woman, silly woman.
CHEF	She’s got seven children already. Why do they do it?
CYNTHIA	Affection. Women don’t crave sex, they crave love.
CHEF	Who doesn’t?
CYNTHIA	Marango’s hopping mad. She got her first pains in the dining room and spilt wine over a customer.
NICHOLAS	Why she get pains?
CYNTHIA	She took pills, that’s why. And I’ll tell you something else – there are four other girls here took the same pills. There! Four of them!
BETTY	(To HANS.) Two veal cutlets.
HANS	Two veal cutlets.
CYNTHIA	And you know who one of the four is?
	She inclines her head in PETER’s direction.
MAX	Monique?
CYNTHIA	(Nodding with unctuous delight.) Now don’t you tell anyone I told you, mind. But you ask Hettie, ask her, she bought the stuff. Two plaice, please.
KEVIN	Two plaice.
GWEN	(To HANS.) Two hamburgers.
HANS	Two hamburgers.
MAX	(Know-all.) Knew this would happen…
HETTIE	(To PETER still on stool, dejected.) Two halibut.
MAX	… Knew it! Can’t be done, though. What makes them think that by taking a tablet through the mouth it will affect the womb?
HETTIE	Oh come on, Peter, two halibut.
	PETER slowly rises to serve her.
MAX	There’s only one way, the way it went in. What happens with a tablet? Nothing! Nothing can –
	PETER serves only one halibut. HETTIE I said two.
MAX	The stomach is irritated, that’s all, squeezed see? Forces the womb. Presses it.
NICHOLAS	What the hell do you know about this? A doctor now?
MAX	Oh I know about this all right.
HETTIE	Two flans, Annie.
ANNIE	Two flans.
MAX	Only one drug is effective through the mouth. (Secretively.) And you know what that is? Ergot? Heard of it? Only thing to do it. And that’s rare. Oh yes, I studied this in the forces when I had nothing else to do. Very interesting, this psychology. Complicated! I knew Winnie was in pod as soon as she came here.
NICHOLAS	(Leaving him contemptuously.) Barrack-room lawyer!
	The PASTRYCOOKS, having cleared up their station, leave with goodbyes thrown to their colleagues.
PAUL/RAYMOND ’Night!… ’Bye… Arrivederci…
MAX	Some people have it easy!
MOLLY	(To HANS.) Two sausages.
HANS	Two sausages.
GWEN	(To PETER.) One turbot.
DAPHNE	(To PETER.) Three cod.
PETER	It’s not ready yet.
DAPHNE	Oh come on, Peter, three cod.
PETER	It’s not ready yet, come back five minutes’ time.
	GASTON leads other CHEFS in a mocking chorus of ‘Hi-li, hi-lo, ha-ha’. The waitresses try to shush them, they can see PETER is in a state.
MOLLY	(To HANS.) Four veal cutlets.
GWEN	(To PETER who’s dished out more.) Only one turbot for Christ’s sake.
JACKIE	(To PETER.) Two halibut.
VIOLET	(To PETER.) My three turbot.
	The queue has grown. PETER is not in control.
	VIOLET becomes impatient.
	Can’t bloody wait for him.
	She picks up plate and moves behind the serving counter to the oven attempting to help herself from a tray.
	PETER takes it from her and pushes her back.
PETER	You wait for me, yes? I serve you. You ask me.
VIOLET	But you were busy and this is special.
PETER	I don’t care. This is my place and there (Points to other side of serving counter.) there is for you!
VIOLET	Now you wait a bloody minute will you? Who the hell do you think you are, you?
PETER	You don’t worry who I am. I’m the cook, yes? And you’re the waitress, and in the kitchen I do what I like, yes? And in the dining-room you do what you like.
	PETER turns his back on her imagining his word will be taken as final.
	Not for VIOLET who takes another plate and again pushes past him attempting to serve herself.
VIOLET	I won’t take orders from you, you know, I…
	PETER screams and smashes the plate from her hand.
PETER	Leave it! Leave it there! I’ll serve you. Me! Me! Is my kingdom here. This is the side where I live. This!
VIOLET	(Very quietly.) You Boche, you. You bloody German bastard!
	She turns to report to, presumably, MARANGO in the dining-room.
	PETER is about to snap. Follows her.
PETER	What you call me? What was it? Say it again! SAY IT AGAIN!
	His scream halts her, petrified.
	It also turns everyone’s attention on him, as on a frightened animal. He wheels around, in a frenzy, looking for something violent to do.
	He sweeps plates off his counter. Other CHEFS run to grab and control him. He heaves them off, sees a meat-axe, reaches for it, raises it, everyone backs away, he seems about to chase VIOLET with it.
	Freeze.
	PETER turns to the gas-lead at which he hacks with an ‘auf geht’s’!
	There is a slow hiss. All the fires in the ovens die down.
	There is a second of complete silence before anyone comprehends what has happened. Then all happens at once.
	PETER storms into the dining-room, VIOLET imagines he’s after her and flees.
	CHEFS rush after him.
	Everyone holds a cloth to their mouth.
	There is a sound of crashing crockery.
	Orders are hurled around.
FRANK	Hold him, grab hold of him!
MICHAEL	He’s broken the gas lead! Someone turn off the main.
CHEF	Mangolis!
MANGOLIS	(Rushing off.) Yes, chef!
KEVIN	Holy Mother ’o Mary, he’s gone berserk.
GASTON	The lunatic! He’s swept all the plates off the table in there.
MICHAEL	He’s ripped his hands!
KEVIN	I knew something like this would happen, I just knew it.
	The mains have been turned off. The hiss dies to silence.
	Everyone faces dining-room entrance, waiting. MONIQUE rushes in en route to get first-aid.
	The crowd by the entrance to the dining-room make way as ALFREDO and HANS bring PETER back.
CHEF	Phone an ambulance.
JACKIE	Monique is doing that now.
	We can imagine his hands are dripping with blood, they droop. He looks spent.
	MICHAEL finds a stool.
	MONIQUE rushes in with first-aid box. Tries to dab his hands with iodine. Pain. He pushes her away. Distressed, she flees.
	PETER regrets his action.
PETER	(To DIMITRI.) Go to her.
	DIMITRI obeys. ALFREDO takes over binding PETER’s hands.
	It hurts!
ALFREDO	Shut up!
	CHEF has been watching, horrified, from a distance, somewhat helpless.
CHEF	(Calling out.) Fool! Fool! So? What? The whole kitchen is stopped. Fool!
PETER	(To ALFREDO.) Now he cares!
	This is too much for the CHEF who, incredulous and furious, bears down on PETER.
CHEF	What do you mean, ‘now he cares’?
ALFREDO	Leave him, chef. Leave him now.
CHEF	What do you mean, ‘now he cares’? You have to make me care? Forty years and suddenly you have to make me care?
	The crowd breaks to allow MARANGO in. He surveys the damage, and to begin with seems amazed and hurt rather than furious.
MARANGO	(With terrible calm.) You have stopped my whole world. Did you get permission from God? Did you? There – is – no – one – else! You know that? No one!
FRANK	All right, Mr Marango, the boy’s going, he’s going. He’s ill, don’t upset yourself.
MARANGO	(To FRANK, gently appealing.) Why does everybody sabotage me, Frank? I give work, I pay well, yes? They eat what they want, don’t they? I don’t know what more to give a man. He works, he eats, I give him money. This is life, isn’t it? I haven’t made a mistake, have I? I live in the right world, don’t I? (To PETER.) And you’ve stopped this world. A shnip! A boy! You’ve stopped it. Why? Maybe you can tell me something I don’t know. Just tell me. I want to learn something. (To all in the kitchen.) Is there something I don’t know?
	PETER rises and in pain moves off. MARANGO cries after him.
	BLOODY FOOL!
	This arrests PETER who stops. MARANGO bears down on him and wheels him round.
	What more do you want? Tell me, what is there more?
	PETER again tries to leave.
	What is there more?
	PETER seems about to attempt an answer – looks around at the OTHERS, shrugs, shakes his head at MARANGO as if to say ‘if you don’t know, I cannot explain’. And leaves.
	MARANGO is left facing his staff who stand around, almost accusingly, looking at him. He asks again.
	Tell me, what is there more?
	There is no work can be done. They turn to leave him, embarrassed by his pleading. He calls again.
	What is there more?
	They stop, backs to him.
	What, what is there more?
	One by one they turn to face him, accusingly, as –
	SLOW BLACKOUT
	End

1  Balanced so that neither audience nor actors are strained.