Bill and I had jetted as fast as we could, beating Coraline and her escort by several lengths. A Medici isn't one to be seen rushing, even to a fight.
We didn't need to see Tommy's place to hear the ruckus.
An excited bunch of octopuses and cuttlefish of all shapes and sizes had gathered on the ridge overlooking Tommy's fortress to watch the brouhaha. I pushed my way through and clambered over the top of the guys at the front to get an eyeful of the situation.
Even though the fighting had only started, there were already a couple of fatalities on both sides. An octopus lay dead, speared through with barbs. Two cuttles lay behind a group of Pusses who had formed a cordon against any break-outs.
Tommy's guys were holed up in the windows of the fortress, bristling with spears and barbs. Any attack from that angle would be fruitless. A cuttlefish would be able to thwart any kind of access by a marauder with a couple of quick jabs.
The entrance had been blocked with a large rock – not so large that it couldn't be moved away by a couple of strong spuds, though. And I think that's what Ferdinand was aiming for. He had formed three groups, one around the front and another around the back, while a third was edging close to a blind-spot down close to the entrance.
At this stage, with only some token blood spilt, a truce would have allowed both parties to sort it out diplomatic-like, if only I could get to Ferdinand.
I swam down off the ridge and was met by a scared, young cuttlefish on the wrong side of the cordon. He shook off his camouflage as I nearly swam over the top of him. He was brandishing a barb like it was a keelstick.
“You there, Hi!” I called to him. “What's all the hubbub?”
“Stay back! Stay back or I'll stick you!” he cried, visibly trembling.
“Easy now, fella. Is someone having a fight?”
“Yeah, there's a fight right enough if you want it!”
“Come on, I didn't come here to spar. And it looks like you're on the wrong side of the fortress. You could do worse to listen,” I said. “There has been a mistake.”
“No mistake. No mistake. This is Tommy's territory, don't you know? No Pusses allowed. Now get outta here before I run you through,” he squeaked.
Poor little guy. He wasn't even old enough to have proper toning.
“No one's running anyone through, OK? It just so happens that there is a peaceful option to all of this,” I said. “We need to call off all hostilities. Now, I need you stop with the heroics and start thinking with your can.”
“Uh, alright?”
“Great. Can you get a message off to Tommy?”
“Message? Are you serious? Can you seen what's going on?”
“Yes. I can see plainly. I also know that this ain't gonna stop until either side is wiped out,” I said, “or, if you're quick, we can settle the whole matter and we can all get home alive.”
“I'm not gonna go through them!” he squealed, pointing to Ferdinand and his crew. “They'll kill me soon as look at me!”
“Yeah. You're right. Hmm. If we can't get to Tommy then I'll have to talk to Ferdinand myself. OK, I'll go and talk to them,” I offered. “You stay here with Bill and help with the crowd.”
“Who's Bill?”
I waved a mitt behind me, “Him. He's good company. Bill, you help this spud – what's your name again?”
He started to dance.
“Short version, please.”
“Oh. Uh, Reginald.”
“Bill, you help Reg to...”
“Reginald.”
“Help him to make a path through the crowd for Coraline and her guys to get through, OK? We need her down here to call off Ferdinand and I need you two to work together and show that this ain't a war between Pusses and Sepiants, dig?”
Bill wasn't too quick on the uptake but Reg seemed to have the right idea, so I left them to it. Between Bill's brawn and Reg's beak, they'd do alright.
With that I made my way down and called to Ferdinand. He saw me, I know he did, but he was busy growling orders to his guys and I sure as eggs wasn't getting any closer than was safe.
“Oi! Ferdinand! Did you hear me? Call off the attack. Coraline is coming! She wants a word.”
He mumbled something and the next thing I knew, three of his goons broke and swam over to me, grabbing me and dragging me back to the crowd.
“Arg! Get off!” I yelled. “Let go of me!”
“You don't belong here. Get gone!”
“Ferdinand has to stop.”
“You have to leave.”
“Call off the attack!”
“We ain't stopping. We got orders.”
“Well consider them countermanded,” said Coraline, appearing behind me. “We need to cease the – oh no!”
At that moment, Ferdinand bellowed with a loud war cry, a scream that resonated around the fortress and his crew joined in. I tell you, if I was one of the cuttles tucked inside there, I'd have inked myself.
“No! No!” Coraline cried. “Stop!”
Her voice was drowned out by the incredible din. Ferdinand swam up and feinted an attack at the windows, jetting forward only to duck at the last second. The braced cuttlefish held out their sharp stinger-barbs and called for reinforcements.
Coraline pushed her way forward, dangerously exposing herself. “I order you to stop! Ferdinand, stop this at once!”
At the same time I watched as the second crew harassed them from the other side with similar results. They knew they weren't going to get in that way, but by keeping Tommy and his crew occupied upstairs, no one was watching the door.
The guys at the door attacked the rock, dragging it from the hole and scraping it slowly out. The cuttlefish realised, too late, that their fortress was being breached and before you knew it, there was a hoot and a clamour and I could hear Tommy inside cursing in all colours.
“Coraline,” I cried. “You have to stop them! You have to do something!”
Iron-shell determination spread on her face and she jetted into the foray, straight for Ferdinand. Her escorts followed, helping to buffet the swooping octopuses from her path.
I followed as close as I dared.
“Ferdinand!” she screamed, impressive for a lady that size. “Ferdinand, call off the attack!”
He was surprised to see her and it took a few seconds for him to break out of his battle mode and address her properly.
“Ma-Ma'am, you shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous!”
“Call off the blanking attack,” she said. “I order you to stop, right now!”
“Ma'am, we've breached the fortress. If we retreat now, we'll suffer for it.”
“Call it off!”
“We won't get another chance...”
“Call it off!”
He hesitated. I know what he was thinking. He was on the cusp of a large battle, one that he'd worked himself into a mindset for, and orders telling him to drop it all just weren't going to wash, especially now that the entrance was wide open.
Then his military training took over and Ferdinand turned about, jetting down to the octopuses pushing themselves in at the door. He called his guys back and as one they dodged the retaliating thrusts and moved away from the door.
Several spuds were injured in the confusion, jabbed by barbs while they were retreating. Tommy must have been convinced that they had the assaulting party on the run, because a bunch of them swarmed out after the retreating party to follow up on the rout.
There was a squabble and a fight out the front. Blood spewed into the water, oozing blue and green from those involved. I heard Tommy barking to get his crew inside and Ferdinand was remonstrating an unlucky spud for disobeying his orders.
Both sides had copped a beating. Both sides were licking their wounds.
Ferdinand did a head count and came back to Coraline. I squeezed through the fuming and bleeding octopuses and made sure I was close enough to hear what was said.
“We had them, Ma'am. We had them. We had breached the hold.”
“There'll be another time,” she said.
“No. There won't. They won't fall for that ruse again. They will reinforce that door and the surrounding ridge. We had the element of surprise,” he growled. “I will not question your orders, Ma'am, but I must know why!”
“News has come to light. Tommy is not the one depleting our fish-stocks,” she said. “This war is illegal. We have been deceived.”
“By who?”
“Coraline Medici!” interrupted a call from high over the way. “How do you like my hospitality?”
She whirled and faced the window. Tommy was up there, looking down on the scene with vicious eyes.
“We need to talk, Tommy,” she called. “I request a meeting.”
“A meeting? You come without warning to break into my house, then you get nipped on the bulb and now you want a chat?” he sneered. “Sorry, love, you don't get to call the shots around here. You're lucky I'm showing restraint otherwise I'd send my guys out there and finish the job!”
Ferdinand was bristling. I'm sure if Coraline wasn't there, he'd happily welcome Tommy's threat, but she was so he kept his beak shut.
“Now get going! Go on, swim away! This is my territory and I'm within my rights to defend it,” he goaded. “Especially from a rag-tag bunch of stinking inbred octopuses who couldn't fight off a dead starfish!”
Coraline waved at her escorts to join her, “This has gone too far. I must meet with him and explain the situation.”
Ferdinand moved in front of her, “It is too dangerous, Ma'am. You will be killed.”
“I got us into this, it is my responsibility to get us out again.”
“I cannot let you.”
“You will do as I say, Ferdinand!”
Time was wasting. Someone had to do something.
“He's right,” I said. “Ma'am, I've dealt with Tommy before. Let me explain just what's what.”
She looked at me, then at Ferdinand. He laughed hollowly.
“What's so funny, big guy?”
“You're not a fighter. You're a pipsqueak.”
“Which is exactly why I'm the best guy for the job. I'm not a threat. Plus, I know that Tommy ain't the unreasonable guy everyone makes him out to be,” I said, hoping with all my remaining limbs that it was true, “and, hey, look at it this way, if they kill me, you haven't lost anything.”
Coraline shrugged, “Very well. Go. Ferdinand, tell the soldiers to keep an eye out for any form of counter-attack.”
“What, you don't trust me?” I said. “Sheesh.”
That's gratitude for you. I risked my siphon by going into a heavily armed fortress during the most delicate situation the Reef has seen for tides unknown all for the sake of peace, and she acted like it'd be all my fault if it blew up.
Tommy Two-Tone watched as I swam out from the pack of spuds. I watched him to. I hoped – oh man, I hoped that he recognised me.
“Hey. Hey, Tommy,” I called out, holding up two mitts. “It's me, Tedrick! Don't attack me or anything.”
“You?” he said. “You! This is your doing?”
“No, no, Tommy, you got it all wrong.”
“Come over here and say that,” he said.
I was floating two barb lengths away, and that was as close as I dared to go. I'm sure that he could have killed me there and then, only he actually was a reasonable guy. I was there to talk and he was willing to listen.
I kept my arms out where he could see them.
“What happened to you,” he said, looking me over. “You pick a fight with a Hammer or something?”
“It's a long story and I'd love to tell you all about it but if you can do me a solid?”
“Make it quick,” he said. “I'm an angry guy today. I don't know if you noticed, but someone broke down my door and killed a bunch of my guys.”
“Yeah, about that. This whole thing, it's a set-up. Coraline was tricked. Sassam has been putting the squeeze on her silvers as they migrate from the plains. He killed one of your guys and shoved a silver in his beak, convinced her that you were responsible,” I said. “He's playing you both, Tommy. He started a blanking war!”
Tommy looked suspicious. I don't blame him. Here's an octopus telling a cuttlefish that he had it all wrong.
“Why?” he asked. “To what end, eh? He's a just a fat, stinking, overweight, no-good Puss.”
“Ultimately, he wants the plains, your fortress, the Medici tower, Horwath gardens... In short, if you and the Medici are at war, you're both weakened.”
“No. That don't wash,” he said firmly. “Sassam's a small time shmuck. He hasn't got enough guys to take either of us on, even if we were all on holiday.”
“That's the catch. He don't need guys. He's got eels.”
He flashed black, “Now you're talking chowder. He don't got eels.”
“He does,” I said, holding up my stump. “I've met them. He's got them trained and – oh, buff!”
My stomach tried to escape out my beak. I heard, faintly, the sound of a shrill whistle accompanied with a series of clicks.
Tommy looked about, “What? What's up?”
“Buff! He's bringing them here! Sassam and his eels!” I shouted, waving my arms frantically. “The eels are coming! Everybody get to cover! Find a rock! Camouflage!”
Tommy is the kind of guy who gets what's going down in an instant and he didn't waste time fixing up his defences. Ferdinand and Coraline, however, they were down there, outside the fortress, and there was no protection in amongst the lettuce gardens and the weed patches.
And the crowd! Someone had to warn them!
I jetted away, screaming at Bill to get the crowd dispersed.
“What? What's dispersed mean?”
“The crowd,” I cried. “Move them away, everybody get away! The eels are coming!”
Reg picked up what I was putting down and he grabbed Bill and tried to shuffle the crowd back. Bill did his best but, the thing is, the Law had gotten the drift that something was going down and were doing their own form of crowd control in the opposite direction.
“No!” I cried, jetting toward the cops. “Push them back! Get them away from here!”
No good. There was confusion on all sides.
Needless to say the eels attacked without resistance. They swarmed in, like giant, black worms, snaking across and around the fortress. A hush fell over the crowd and even the cops clammed their beaks to see the spectacle of a mass of writhing, wriggling ghosts silhouetted against the surface.
Whistle, click, whistle, click-click. Gus was giving it his all.
One swooped down at the fortress and grappled at a guard in the window. It caught a barb in the side for its troubles, but the guard was rendered defenceless. Immediately after, another eel followed the first and ripped the cuttlefish from his perch, shook him in his maw until he spilled his bits, and went on to the next.
Whistle, click.
That was Sassam's game. The first, trained into ignorance, took the barbs and the slings as a sacrificial minnow while the trailing eels attacked the unarmed Sepiants. After that first wave, one eel lay dying alongside a score of cuttlefish.
Click-click.
Ferdinand and his crew did not fare much better. Without weapons, they grappled at the marauding eels and wrestled and bit with all their might. Two eels were brought down and writhed about with huge chunks of flesh taken out of them, but at least six octopuses were gushing blood from their arms and bulbs.
My stump thumped in sympathy.
In all of this the spuds were gradually moving away from the fortress, back to the crowd and the spectators were in hysterics, screaming and crying, swimming this way and that.
A couple of eels broke from the pack and chased down civilians, catching them up in their mouths, carrying them up high and spitting them out having taken out great chunks from their bulbs.
It was an utter bloodbath. The current was thick with blue and it stank of copper and innards and there were bits and pieces of spuds all over the place.
The stuff of nightmares! The demons of the Abyss couldn't have dreamed up a more horrific scene.
The Law had their mitts full just getting the crowd to be calm and disperse back to the safety of the Reef, Tommy was holed up in his fortress and Ferdinand was doing his best to stave off the relentless attack of the evil black menaces.
I could hear Sassam's hysterical cackling over the din.
Someone had to do something.
“Bill,” I said, fighting through the panic and tapping him on the bulb. “Hey, Bill! I need your help!”
“Ted, this is awful! I – I've never seen...”
“It's a bit different to the stories, eh? Where's Reg?”
“I don't know. I lost him. Ted...”
There was a clamour and I couldn't help but look behind me. An eel had shoved itself into a window of the fortress and was fast disappearing inside. Another was working its way at the entrance, inching its tail through the door.
“Oh Ted! I don't like this at all! I'm scared!”
“Bill, this ain't a story. This is real! Real people are dying! Do you hear me?”
He looked on, dumbfounded.
“We don't got a lot of time, Bill. Bill?” I whacked him. “Snap out of it! You want to help or not? We got to do something but I need your help!”
“I'm scared, Ted!”
Poor, innocent Bill. This was just too much for his little mind to process. For a bruiser he had three good hearts beating away and violence was a foreign concept to him. I mean, the closest he'd ever had to biffo came from stories...
“Hey, Bill. You know Captain Bartram, right? You know how the bad-guys try to pull one over and he steps in and sorts them out, right?”
“Yeah, he does!”
“He's brave. You know what brave is?”
“Um...”
“Brave is being scared but doing what has to be done anyways. I'll bet Captain Bartram was scared each time he came up against a bad-guy, but you know what? That's OK, because he was brave!” I said. “And that's what I need you to be.”
“I don't know...”
“I know you're scared, Bill, because I am too.”
“You are?” his eyes went wide. “But you're a detective!”
I said, “That's just my job. I'm a spud, like you, like Captain Bartram. We still have feelings, no matter how tough we act. That's the thing about being brave, Bill, doing what's right even though you're about to ink yourself. Do you get me? Do you want to help?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I want to help!” he said, nodding furiously. “I want to be brave!”
“Alright, good on you! Help me over that way, come on! Quick!”
Together we ducked through the panicking crowd. Bill turned out to be one heck of a juggernaut, just kept on swimming straight as spuds bounced off of his bulb.
More than once we passed torn-off limbs and spuds gurgling out for help. I kept Bill on track, encouraging him to ignore it all and keep going.
Pretty soon we were clear of the action and I instructed him to break to the right and come down the ridge.
“What's the plan, boss?” he asked.
Well how do you like that? He called me boss.
I said, “You hear that whistling and that clicking? That's the guy who controls the eels. We take him out at all costs, got it?”
“Er, take him out?”
“Clobber him!”
“Oh, I don't know. I don't like fighting!”
I held his face in my mitts, “Bill, this serious stuff. You have to!”
He hesitated, “I guess so.”
I knew he could. He just needed the right motivation.
“The guy's name is Gus, get that? If you see a spud doing the whistling and clicking, you go straight for him and make him stop,” I said, adding, “and by that I mean clobber him good. Don't let anyone else distract you, I'll take care of them. Got it?”
Around the back of a cluster of rocks, given a perfect view of the whole scene, was Sassam and his crew. In the middle, receiving orders from Sassam, was Gus.
“You see him there, the grey one in the middle?” I whispered. “He's the one. I'll distract them, you get Gus!”
It should have been a piece of cake. The guys, you see, they were too busy laughing and watching the show, pointing and hooting as an eel caught up another victim.
“Bring 'em round and focus on that mob down there, Gus,” Sassam barked. “Leave the fortress alone, we can take care of anyone else in there.”
Gus obliged. I made my move.
“Sassam,” I called out. “The game's up!”
He squinted over at me lazily, then flailed his limbs like he'd seen a ghost.
“The heck? You!” he cried. “You – you...”
“Yeah, me. I'm back, Sassam, and I know it all,” I said.
“How are you still alive?”
“I missed my arm so much I came back for it. Point out which eel it was and I'll go in and get it myself!”
“Don't worry, Gritswell, I'll happily send you inside its belly to retrieve it!”
I peeked back at Bill. What the heck was he waiting for?
“The Law is coming in from all sides, you're surrounded.”
He squinted even harder, then laughed that hollow, belly-rolling laugh he had, “You've got nothing, Tedrick. Gus, get an eel on him, will you?”
Click-whistle-whoop. Oh, boy.
“Bill,” I cried. “What the buff are you doing?”
“Huh? Oh, when do I...”
I missed whatever he said. For the second time an eel swooped down at me and scooped me up by an arm and dragged me away.
Fortunately for me, that monster had a chunk of cuttlebone stuck in the back of its jaw, preventing it from closing all the way. Didn't I tell you eels were stupid? Wouldn't have taken more than to open up and shake his head to dislodge it, but that would require brain-power, you know.
Anyway, it couldn't chew my arm off but it still had a firm grip on me, enough to sweep me around like a rag.
I zoomed back again and again as Gus made my eel zig here and zag there, all for Sassam's sadistic pleasure. I caught a blurred view of the carnage below, the bodies and the engorged eels. Cuttlebone or no, I was about to be counted among the number.
Bill was there, looking up at me in wonder. I guess detectives in the stories don't get chomped by eels and dragged around like a piece of meat.
“Bill!” I screamed out. “What are you waiting for?”
“What? What?”
But by then I was too far away. I grappled with the eel, biting it ineffectually here and there, tugging at its fins and sticking my mitts into its gills, trying anything I could to disrupt it.
Wouldn't you know it? I succeeded. I must have shoved a bit too hard into its gills because it suddenly opened its jaws and out popped my arm. Sore, wounded, but very much attached.
At the same time, out popped that cuttlebone, too.
“Oh, buff!”
With its mouth free from obstruction, it snapped at me and it's only by the grace of the Great Spud that I avoided losing another mitt. Instead, I instinctively clung tighter and wrapped my arms around its slippery, slug-like body and used all of my suckers just to hold on. See, the way I figured, if I was back there, it couldn't get at me.
In a way I was right. It couldn't get at me that easily. That didn't stop it from writhing around and around, going in knots, snapping and snarling and grabbing at anything it could get at.
I smacked at its face, going for the eyes, but that only made it madder. It got hold of the tip of my bulb and we were locked in a deadly embrace, me wrapped around its throat, nipping and biting, it tugging and shaking at me from my noggin.
So I did the only thing I could. I shoved my mitts up its gills again as far as they would go. That stopped it! Its jaw flew open and it straightened out like a reed, swimming with furious speed. Stupid thing. No matter how fast it swam, it couldn't get away from my pesky suckers! Ha ha!
I found that by pressing on either side, I could turn it this way or that way, steering the thing where I wanted.
Well would you believe it? Can you picture it? In the middle of utter chaos and bedlam there's me, Tedrick Gritswell, flying over the whole scene, riding an eel!
Yee-haw!
Now there's a tale to tell my kids.
As a bonus, Gus, Sassam and crew were dumbstruck. Gus was doing his best to whistle but the eel wasn't having any of that. It had bigger issues.
Bringing it back over to them I swooped down over Bill.
“Now, you great galoot!”
What greater distraction did he need?
“Now! Get Gus! Go!”
He snapped out of his daze, “Oh. Oh, right! Right! Sorry!”
He puffed up his generous mantle. He poised, jetted and smashed straight through Sassam's mob, grappling Gus and bringing him over the edge into the clearing.
“Attaboy, Bill!” I cried. “Give it to him!”
Gus and Bill tussled. Bill was a big kid, though, and he had him in a proper hold, biting him on the bulb like some possessed beast. Tell you what, if you ever meet Bill and he's in a mood, leave.
“Clobber him good, Bill!”
He hefted him over his head and threw Gus on the ground, knocking all the clicks and whistles out of him. The eels, without orders, broke their coordinated attack and flitted about at random, doing those silly loops they do when they don't have a clue. Which is often.
I'm sure they were tired and full and without someone telling them what to do, they must have felt like going home for a doze.
With a barrage of expletives gushing from his beak, Sassam called his guys, some to go after Gus and Bill, some after me.
Wisely, they shook their heads and shirked away. I mean, who wants to face up against a crazy spud riding an eel?
Up and over I went, bringing my slimy stallion back around. I was powerful. I was invincible. I was an utter fool.
In my head, I had visions of attacking Sassam with the eel, that I'd point its head at his rotund body and the eel's natural instinct to eat things would take care of the rest. I had forgotten that eating was the last thing on its mind, that what it really, really wanted, more than eating something, was getting the pesky octopus off its back.
Just as I brought the eel down for the attack, it convulsed, dived and scraped me off against a rock. I tumbled and rolled, getting grit in my beak and eyes. But the time I got back to being horizontal, the eel was gone and Sassam was standing over me.
He yanked my arms and spun me around, smacking me over my bulb.
“You blithering imbecile! You're supposed to be dead! You've ruined everything! Curse the tide you were born.”
“Too late,” I said.
“I'm gonna kill you properly this time. I'll make you pay!” he roared. “Pat, Clark, gut this guy!”
There was no response. He turned in a hurry.
“Pat? Clark? Where are you guys?”
They were nowhere to be seen. That was all I needed as an opportunity. Down the ridge and through the clearing, I jetted furiously for the cluster of damaged spuds regrouping now that the eels had backed off. I couldn't swim that fast, not after all I had been through, so I was only half-way there when Sassam caught me up. If I was in my prime I would have outpaced him, no worries. He was a big guy, though, and big guys have big mantels.
“Enough, Sassam,” I panted. “Give it up. It's over.”
“For you it is!” he said. “If my guys are too gutless to stick around when the going gets tough, I'll just have to show them how it's done.”
“What then? What's your plan, Sassy-boy?”
He smiled, a sick, deathly smile. I didn't like that smile. He gripped my stub and squeezed, squeezed until it bled.
I almost passed out with the pain.
“I'll think about that after I kill you, you filthy, brownbuff, bottom feeding -”
“Drop him!” came a clap of thunder.
The spuds, under the direction of Coraline, were advancing across the clearing and boy, I tell you that bloodied and scarred crowd made the fiercest looking mob that ever was.
Sassam dropped me and backed away.
“Stay where you are, Sassam!” Coraline ordered. “We have business to attend to, you and I!”
“The heck with you and the heck with this!” he said, jetting away.
“Bill,” I called. “Bring Gus over here!”
Bill dragged the unfortunate rogue over to us. He was shaking and shuddering, pleading for clemency. Bill had been quite thorough in carrying out his instructions.
“Hey. Hey, Gus? Gus!” I said, slapping him lightly. “You want to live or get pulled apart?”
“L-live! Please don't kill me!” he whined. “I'm too young to die!”
“Then shut up and think fast,” I said. “Your boss is a murderer and a traitor to Borobo Reef. Yes?”
“Yes! Yes! He is!”
“Then make it right,” I said. “And be quick about it.”
Gus wasn't silly. He knew exactly what I was after. He clicked twice, whistled a long, low whistle and clicked again.
The eels, hearing the call, broke from their loop and obediently wriggled their way back. The guys ducked, ready for another onslaught, but Gus knew the soft side of his cockle.
We all watched on as the eels, as one mass, chased after Sassam.
To his credit, he made it to the safety of the ridge. I guess being overweight has its drawbacks, one of which is the inability to squeeze into a crevice when being chased by a group of savage eels.
Ah, I won't bore you with the details because, by the time they finished, details were all that were left of Sassam.