How to Booze

Contents

Why We Booze, and Why It Matters

The Basic Skills

Stage 1: Love Needs Drink

First Date—Dark ’n’ Stormy

You Will Regret This; You Already Regret This—Dry Gin Martini

Second Date—Modern Gimlet

Threesomes—Negroni

The Closer—Dubonnet Cocktail

Self-Love Still Counts as Love—Adonis

Going, Going, Gone—Tailspin

Back in the Saddle After Seven Long Months—Gin Rickey

Sexual Encounters in Generic Bars and Hotels Across the Land—Sidecar

Between the Sheets

Pouring Salt on an Open Wound, or Drinking with the Ex—Old Cuban

The Fling of a Lifetime—Champagne Cocktail

The Drunk Dial—Vieux Carré

Drowning Out the Ticking of Your Biological Clock—Bee’s Knees

Fighting Infidelity with Infidelity—French 75

Cognac French 75

Tiptoeing Across the Line: Experimenting with Your Sexuality Is Okay—Fancy Free

Stalking Your Ex—Pisco Sour

Emotionally Unhealthy Moments in Beautiful Places—Death in the Afternoon

Smoldering Jealousy Is the Stiffest Drink—Whiskey Sour

Stage 2: Sometimes We Drink and Don’t Think About Sex

Drinking Alone—Perfect Manhattan

Traditional Manhattan

Outdoor Bars—Margarita

Sweet Lord, Why Is Everyone Here So Homely?—American Beauty

Brunch—Bloody Maria

Alternative: Mimosa

A Drink With Old Friends—Gin and Tonic

Suffering Through Sports—El Diablo

Barbecues—Mai Tai Roa-Ae

Hemingway Daiquiri

Getting Deep into D&D—Bobby Burns

Striking Up Conversation with Strangers—Tom Collins

Intentional Bad Drunk—Tipperary Cocktail

He’s Probably Not Answering His Phone Because…—Last Word

Calling in Sick, Listening to StoryCorps, and Crying All Those Bittersweet Tears—Hot Apple Toddy

High School Reunion—Rusty Nail

Visiting the Opposite Coast—Americano

Dinner Served in White Paper Boxes—Aviation or Japanese Cocktail

After Work—Irish Aspirin

Booze and Pills on the Red-eye—Madras

Sitting Next to a Movie Star—Mary Pickford

Shopping While Intoxicated—Vodka Martini or Black Russian

Dublin Mudslide

Endless Arguments over Easily Ascertainable Facts—Old-Fashioned

The Hangover—Corpse Reviver No. 2

Reading the Good Book—Angel Face

Cocktails with People You Despise—Pink Gin

Tawdry Holiday Parties—Presbyterian

Tidings from the Unabomber: Doing New Year’s Right—Imperial Grand

The Unwinding—Sazerac

Stage 3: The Nuclear Option

The Procedure—Air Mail

“I Do Not Want to Be Doing This”—Boulevardier

“Holy SHIT!!”—Bellini

Meeting the In-Laws—Fine and Dandy

Bachelor Party—Red Bull and Tequila

Bachelorette Party—Cosmopolitan or Caipirinha

Your Wedding—Southside

Be Boozy and Multiply—Golden Gin Fizz

Mom Drank with Me…and I’m Fine!—Andalusia Aperitif

Drinking at the Park—Mint Julep

Cognac Mint Julep

Surviving Sleepovers—Odd McIntyre

Realizing Your Child Is a Fucking Idiot—Greyhound

Stage 4: Eulogies, Etc.

Mumbo’s Last Ride to the Vet—Improved Cocktail

Laid Off—Herb Saint

Last Drink Before AA—Hudson Monarch or Arsenic and Old Lace

Toasting the End of Days—Spiced Colada

Your Final Drink—Rob Roy

Acknowledgments

About the Authors and Illustrator

About the Publisher