INT: ABANDONDED WAREHOUSE—TED RAIMI’S LAIR, DAY
SAM RAIMI and LT. CRONENBURG burst through the door to the warehouse, guns drawn. TED’S lair is covered with pictures of body parts, random trinkets hanging from the ceiling (bones, mannequin heads, hardware tools á la Texas Chainsaw Massacre). The room is filled with full-sized mirrors, which immediately has a disorienting effect on the two detectives. Once they realize there is no immediate sign of TED, they put their weapons away and investigate the scene.
CRONENBURG
Jesus, Chief, you could write a textbook on this shit. (Picks up a jar with a decomposed appendage in it) This is one sick puppy we’re dealing with. (Puts the jar down and looks to RAIMI as if he’s misspoken) Er, no offense, sir.
RAIMI
None taken, Crony. My brother or not, we must not forget the heinous things he’s done. As far as I’m concerned, I have no brother. I’d prefer to take him alive. Let him find justice in a cold dank cell! But if it comes down to it, shoot to kill. We can’t let him escape. Understand?
CRONENBURG
Got it, Chief.
RAIMI and CRONENBURG keep searching the place (use weird camera angles here to convey the increasingly fucked-up nature of TED RAIMI). Light reflecting from the mirrors keeps blinding them when they walk through the beams. RAIMI moves to a table with documents sitting on it. He rifles through them.
RAIMI
Shit.
CRONENBURG
(Looking up from another pile of documents) What is it?
RAIMI
Pictures of my house.
RAIMI flips through the pictures, which start from a long shot of a house. The POV (point of view) moves closer, up to the door and inside the house. As RAIMI flips faster, the pictures move like a flipbook. The POV goes around the house and then up the stairs until finally ending on a candid shot of RAIMI’S wife, SISSY. She’s stepping out of the shower and soaked, barely covered by a towel. RAIMI tears them up and lets the little pieces float to the ground.
CRONENBURG
What should we do?
RAIMI
(Fuming with rage) We take this asshole out. (Cocks his gun)
RAIMI, in a violent outrage, shoots randomly. Pieces of bone and paper explode into the air. He shoots the mirrors, sending shards of glass flying everywhere in a deadly shower. CRONY jumps to the ground to dodge RAIMI’S rampage. RAIMI aims for one particular mirror and something in his reflection catches him off-guard. He lowers his gun, but the reflection does not.
RAIMI
Teddy?
Sound effect: BAM!
The “reflection” is, indeed, TED RAIMI. TED fires his gun, hitting RAIMI in the shoulder. RAIMI drops his gun and falls to the floor. CRONENBURG points his own gun at TED.
TED
(Stepping out from behind the empty frame) C’mon now, Crony, you shouldn’t be messing around with these family affairs. (Cocks his gun and points it directly at RAIMI) Shoot me and your boss is a guaranteed stain. My finger’s motion-activated.
RAIMI
Put it down Lieutenant, I can handle this myself.
CRONENBURG holsters his gun.
TED
Good boy.
RAIMI
A gun, Ted? Isn’t that a little domestic for you? I thought you would do me in with a coat hanger, at the very least.
TED
(Laughing) You know me too well, brother. And believe me, I thought about that. But I really don’t have any intentions on killing you … yet. Did you like the little scrapbook I made for you? (He nods toward the pictures of RAIMI’S house)
RAIMI
I swear to God, if you touched Sissy, that shit you do to your victims will seem tame compared to what I have in store for you.
TED
Don’t worry, brother. I didn’t touch your precious little wife. I just wanted to take a look at the life you’ve made for yourself. The girl didn’t even know I was there. (Pauses, licks his lips) But she will next time, if you don’t give me what I want.
RAIMI
And what’s that?
TED
Your life.
RAIMI
What are you talking about?
TED
I want to be you. I want your job, your house, your wife. You’ve always had it better than me. Mom loved you more. The world fucked me, Sam, drove me to do these horrible things. I can change though. I want to be you.
RAIMI
Don’t turn this into some goddamned sob story. You’re insane, and nothing Mom did could ever explain what you’ve done. You can’t just be another person.
TED
(Aggravated) Sure I can! What does identity mean anyway? People steal them all the time. We look alike, our DNA’s the same, and I’m an incredible actor, Sammy. You’d be amazed at how good I am at playing a cop. That’d be the perfect cover for me to continue my rampage—because, let’s face it: killing’s fun! How many people have you killed in the line of fire? I bet if you put us side by side, our body count is pretty close. (His speech gets more impassioned, his attention wanes. He lowers the gun) That’s right, I could play cops and robbers. I could be both roles! Investigate my own killings and then go home and fuck my beautiful wife on the side. It’s brilliant. Besides a couple cards in your wallet, what really separates you from me?
RAIMI
You mean apart from the obvious screw loose? You’re nothing compared to me. You’re shit. You always were shit and you always will be shit. (Spits at TED)
TED
(Giggling) So, I guess it’s not a deal?
RAIMI
Never. I’ll tell you what—if you come with me, I’ll let you choose between dying a painless death or rotting away in a jail cell. That’s the only deal I’ll give you.
TED
Not very good options, brother. I think I’ll pass.
RAIMI
It’s too bad that you don’t know your priorities even when they’re clear as glass.
As RAIMI says “glass,” he holds up a broken piece of mirror that he’s been able to sneak into his hand during TED’S speech. The reflecting light blinds TED for a second, but it’s enough time for RAIMI to get to his feet and stab TED in the leg with glass. CRONENBURG scrambles for his gun, but it’s caught in the holster. RAIMI reaches for the gun that he dropped, but TED manages to fire off a shot, hitting CRONENBURG in the face. CRONENBURG drops to the floor.
RAIMI
Nooooo! (Slow motion: RAIMI runs over to CRONENBURG on the floor).
TED
(Pulls the glass out of his leg) You asshole! That was my favorite pair of jeans! (Runs away through the remaining mirrors that haven’t been shattered). I’ll see you at home, Sammy-Boy!
RAIMI fires randomly at TED as he escapes through the glass.
RAIMI
Ahhh! Fuck!
RAIMI calms down. He looks defeated. He finally notices the soft breathing of Cronenburg, who isn’t dead yet. Most of his face is blown off. Little glass pieces stick to the blood.
RAIMI
Hold on, Crony-buddy. I’ll radio for an ambulance.
CRONENBURG
Don’t bother, Chief. (Coughs) I don’t want to live my life without a face. Besides, I won’t make it to the hospital. …
RAIMI
Don’t do this. Don’t let him win. Don’t let him win!
CRONENBURG
(Going in and out of consciousness) Just go. Get your wife. Make sure she’s safe. And … Christ it hurts … and do one more thing, for me.
RAIMI
Sure, anything.
CRONENBURG
You get that sonofabitch. (Pulls him close) For me!
CRONENBURG dies an agonizing death.
RAIMI composes himself and stands up. He looks at the blood on his hands and then at himself in one of the mirrors. He brings the gun up and checks the ammunition in it, then clicks it closed.
RAIMI
(Insert one-liner here)
END SCENE