Chapter 34

 

 

 

When the girls left, Calista slipped into a sleepshirt and relaxed in the center of the bed with a small bowl of chocolate chip ice cream. She kept her phone nearby in case she worked up the nerve to call Barringer. She had decided against taking chili by his house especially after images of him snatching the bowl out of her hand and tossing it out into the yard flashed in her mind. It wasn’t funny, but the vision made her laugh.

“What am I going to do with you, Barringer?” she said softly.

Candice told her to make an effort. But the thing about making an effort is, what if the other party wasn’t willing to make any efforts? Then what?

She glanced at the clock. She wondered if Barringer was home at nine-thirty at night. He was probably at the office she concluded. He stayed working. She decided to send him a text.

 

Calista: Hi

 

He probably won’t even text me back, Calista thought. He usually didn’t like corresponding this way – strange considering how far technology had advanced and he kept track of it all, but he couldn’t tolerate text messaging.

 

Barringer: Hi

 

Her lips quirked up. Well, what do you know? He responded.

 

Calista: are you home?

 

She nervously chewed on her bottom lip anticipating his answer.

 

Barringer: why are you text messaging me?

 

Her heart sank. Okay, so he wasn’t in a good mood. She couldn’t say she was surprised. She’d made an effort, and he wasn’t willing to make one. Then:

 

Barringer: I meant, why are you texting me because you know I don’t like texting.

 

“Oh,” Calista said out loud now that she understood what he was trying to say. Still, her heart pounded in her chest, especially when she responded:

 

Calista: if I call, will you answer?

Barringer: only one way to find out.

 

“O-kay,” Calista said, eyebrows raised. After a deep breath that did nothing to reduce the tension in her stomach, she said, “All right, Candy. You said make an effort. I’m making an effort.”

She dialed his number, then waited. The first ring made even more knots form in her stomach. Then came ring number two. Three. He still hadn’t answered. Then:

“Hi, Calista.”

His deep voice ran through her entire body as she soaked it in. It was like feeling his large hands against her bare back.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“Y-yeah. Hi, Barry.”

The line went quiet. She didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t saying anything. Since she made the call, it was on her to keep the conversation going, so she said, “Are you home?”

“Why?”

Why? Calista shook her head. Why not answer the question? “I made some chili and I know how much you like it, so I was going to bring you some.”

The line went quiet again.

Calista felt her breath catch. Maybe calling him was a bad idea since he wasn’t particularly in a talking mood. She couldn’t decipher what kind of mood he was in.

“Barry?”

“No, I’m not home,” he said.

“Oh.” Well, there goes that idea. “Okay, well sorry to have bothered you.”

“Calista.”

“Yes?”

“Is that really why you called me? To bring me some chili?”

“Yes, but—”

“But what?”

Calista grinned uncomfortably. “Nothing. Never mind.” Calista hung up the phone before she had a chance to embarrass herself any further. She dropped the phone on the bed and covered her face with her hands. “Ugh. I don’t know why I try.”

She uncovered her face when she heard her phone buzzing. She looked at the display, frowning when she saw Barringer’s number. He was calling back. Why was he calling back when he seemed so irritable? So quiet. Did he not know how awkward it was for her to be on the phone when he wouldn’t make an effort to have a conversation, or did he not care?

She shook her head. Instead of picking up the phone, she opted for the bowl, deciding to finish her ice cream before it melted.

Curious to see if Barringer left a voicemail, she looked at the display and saw a text message indicator instead.

 

Barringer: Answer the door.

Calista: What?

 

She was staring at the phone, waiting for him to respond back when she heard the doorbell ring. She jumped off the bed, walked to the door and looked through the peephole. It was Barringer all right, and he was looking directly at the peephole as if he could feel her doing so.

Calista unlocked the door, opening it slowly to reveal the tall, lean man – her husband. Her breath caught in her throat, in awe of the incredible sight that he was. That he’s always been. She first noticed he was wearing jeans again, so right away, she knew he wasn’t at the office. He looked so good in jeans, maybe because it was a rare sight for her to see him in casual clothes. And he had on a plain navy blue Ralph Lauren, short-sleeved shirt that showed off his muscular arms. And he smelled good. Oh, how she missed his smell.

She swallowed hard. When she was able to find her voice, she asked, “What are you doing here, Barry?”

“I was in the neighborhood. Why’d you hang up on me?”

She stared up into the depth of his eyes while, at the same time, seeing highlights of their marriage flash before her eyes. She studied his face – the handsome face she hadn’t seen in weeks. The last time she saw him, he was angry. This time around, he put off a much calmer vibe, and she could see he’d recently had his hair cut. Mustache trimmed. And he’d shaven. For a second, she thought about running her index finger across his lips but she quickly checked herself.

“You…you were in the neighborhood?”

“Yes. Why’d you hang up?”

She shrugged. “You didn’t seem like you wanted to talk, so…”

“May I come in?”

“Um…sure. Okay,” she said stepping aside.

Barringer breezed past her to step inside. She thought she would die right there from the heat and intoxicating smell radiating from his body.

“Smells so good,” she whispered while closing the door.

“I’m sorry. Did you say something?” Barringer asked, turning to look at her.

“Oh, no. Nothing,” she said, nervously playing with her fingers. “Um, so…uh, do you want some chili?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. I’ll have to warm it up.” She walked towards the kitchen, feeling Barringer following her.

He took a seat at the table, watching her work. She’d placed a small pot on the stove and took chili from the refrigerator, heating it up until it came to a boil. She took a ceramic bowl, filling it with chili, but saved room for his toppings. First, she dropped a handful of oyster crackers on top of the chili, stirring them in. Then she sprinkled on cheese and green onions before adding a spoonful of sour cream on top.

She took the bowl and placed it in front of him.

He looked at it.

She looked at him. “Is it okay?”

The corner of his mouth lifted. Looked like he wanted to smile, but didn’t, at least not fully. “It’s fine. I’m amazed you remembered how I like it.”

“You’re amazed? We were together for a long time, Barry.”

Were together. He didn’t like the sound of that. “Yeah…”

She took a Styrofoam cup from the cupboard, filled it with ice and poured him a glass of lemonade.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said sitting in front of him after she poured herself a glass. She watched him take a spoonful to his mouth, followed by a subsequent moaning of pleasure. You know the food was good when it made a man moan.

“Like it?”

“Delicious,” he said. “I miss your cooking.” He took another heaping spoonful, eating shamelessly.

Calista watched him while he ate, finding pleasure in seeing him do so. While he may not have liked her very well right now, at least he still liked her cooking. “Do you want more?”

He took a drink of lemonade. “I probably shouldn’t eat two bowls of chili so late at night, so I’m good. It was delicious by the way.”

“Glad you liked it.” Calista took a sip of lemonade and held his vision. Then her eyes rolled down to his nose. His lips. Her mouth watered. She hadn’t kissed those lips in a long time. She looked into his eyes again and said, “You look like you want to ask me something.”

“I do.”

“What?”

“You and Garrison…”

Calista’s chest tightened. “Yes?”

“How long did you date in college?”

Calista sighed. “It doesn’t matter, Barry.”

“Maybe not to you, but to me it does. How long?”

“Almost two years.”

“And then what?”

“We broke up.”

“Who ended it?”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought he was cheating on me.”

“You thought?”

“Yes. At the time, I thought he was, but I learned later he wasn’t.”

“So it was too late to rekindle anything after that, huh?” Barringer leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

“No. He’s my brother-in-law now and I love him as such, but I’m not in love with him.”

“Well, you’re not in love with me either, otherwise you wouldn’t have left me.”

“Barry, please don’t start with the sarcasm.”

“I’m not being sarcastic, Calista. That’s the way I feel. Women always talk about men not talking to them and being open with them. Well, I’m being open with you.”

“You can be open without being argumentative.”

“I could, but what’s the point? I’m not going to downplay the way I feel.”

Calista took a sip of lemonade. “Then I can make the same argument,” she said calmly. “You left me long before I left you, Barry. I was a lonely, bored housewife for three years.”

He hissed his displeasure. “Oh, don’t start with that.”

“You did. And I tried…tried to be happy, but it was hard to be happy when my husband loved his work more than he loved me.”

“Not true.”

“It is true. Everything in your life, in Barry’s world, took precedence over me. So, by removing myself from the equation, from my viewpoint, you’re not missing anything anymore and your life is complete.”

“How are we ever going to work this out if you keep rehashing the past, Cali? Or maybe you don’t want this to work. Is that it? I’m not your ideal man, so you don’t want me anymore. Is that it, Cali? You have someone else in mind? Someone better? And now, you have the freedom to come and go as you please without being accountable to anyone. Why would you want this to work?”

Calista shook her head and closed her eyes. This wasn’t going anywhere. And then she heard Candice’s voice in her head. Make an effort. So, she pulled in a breath, opened her eyes and said, “No, that’s not it. I love you. I’m in love with you and that will never change. No one can be as close to me as you. No one will have that special place in my heart but you, Barry. I love you.”

Her lips trembled. Eyes glistened with tears. “I have the same freedom in this apartment that I had when I was home. The only difference now is, I know you’re not coming home because you don’t live here, and I’m not waiting with hopeful expectation that you’ll be here for dinner, or to watch a movie with me, or hold me at night or have a simple conversation with me for that matter. I know you won’t be here. So slowly, but surely, I’m teaching myself to not have hope that you’ll change. That you’ll realize how lonely I was without you. When I’m here, I’m just here. Not holding out hope. Just here. Alone. I know you’re not coming home and it’s sad that I’m okay with that, but it doesn’t mean I like it. I just don’t have a choice,” she said, her voice so broken and faint, she doubt if he could make out those last few words she’d spoken.

She took a moment to clear her throat before she said, “Contrary to what you believe, Barry, I don’t like being without you. I would prefer being with you. But even when I was home, I wasn’t with you. So I’m here, holding my pillow in place of you, crying myself to sleep because my marriage has fallen apart. Because my husband isn’t the same man I married, and it hurts me. In hindsight, I see how wrong I was for nagging you about wanting to have a child, but I always wanted children. You knew that. But I think I became desperate in the last couple of years because I needed to have some form of you…some representation of you close to me because I didn’t have you. I could love, hug, kiss, hold and take care of a baby…couldn’t do that with you because you were never there. You were never there, Barry.”

Barringer sat speechless, feeling his heart crumble to pieces listening to her words, seeing tears fall from her eyes.

Calista dabbed her eyes and continued, “And I’m not telling you this because I want you to have sympathy for me, and I’m not crying to make you feel a certain kind of way. I’m crying because I’m hurting.” She stood up. “Um…just lock the door on your way out.”

Before she could walk by, Barringer reached for her wrist, getting a good grip on her. He stood up and pulled her into his embrace, wrapping his arms tight around her. Finally, it hit home. She needed him. She moved out because he wasn’t there. And she was right. He wasn’t there. He’d let the company take up all of his time, and all she wanted was him. And now, feeling her crying against his chest, her warm body trembling against his made his heart ache.

He swallowed hard and said, “I’m sorry, Calista. I’m so sorry, baby.” He squeezed her tighter. If he held her tight enough, close enough, maybe he could absorb all of her pain.

She sniffled, gently pushing away from him. “I need some tissue,” she said, then took off to the bathroom.

From the kitchen, Barringer could hear her blowing her nose. He shook his head. How could he not see what he was doing to her until now? All those nights he’d worked late, stood her up for dinner, all the promises he made but failed to keep – they’d all culminated to her leaving. Now, it was on him to make this right.

He walked in the direction of her bedroom. He saw her there, sitting at the bed’s edge, close to a nightstand. He didn’t say a word for a moment. He just stared at her – her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She dabbed her eyes while her head hung low.

Not knowing if he could do anything at the moment to console her, he walked her way, stooped down and took one of her hands into his. He felt like he’d died a slow death when his eyes met her sad ones. She was hurt to her heart.

“I don’t know what to do to make this right, Calista. It’s hard for me to admit that, you know, but I don’t know what to do.”

Her eyes scanned his features again, his eyes, lips and since he was already holding one of her hands, she took her other hand, grasped his right hand and brought it to the side of her face, closing her eyes as the warmth from his hand soothed her. She missed this. A small smile appeared on her lips. Through the sadness and all, a smile appeared. She opened her eyes again, let go of his hand and gently rested her palms against the sides of his face.

Calista leaned forward, pressing her lips against the tip of his nose, watching his eyes close. She continued leaving soft, moist, gentle kisses all over his face.

“Open your eyes, Barringer.”

He opened his eyes and said, “I don’t deserve you.”

Calista leaned close, leaving his comment in the air as she left soft kisses against his lips.

“Cali—”

“I miss you,” she whispered softly against his lips. She proceeded to leave more kisses there until he knew she really did miss him. Until he felt the same things she felt right now. “Do you miss me, Barringer?”

“I miss you so much it hurts, Cali,” he said before settling a hand at the nape of her neck, pulling her close to him so their mouths matched up. Locked up. And he kissed her, thoroughly, angling her head from side to side, remembering how good it felt to kiss her with deep, long strokes. Greedily, he suctioned her lips into his mouth and when he felt her desperation, he took her tongue, tangling it with his before taking her lips again. Her whole mouth. And then he felt himself becoming reckless, kissing her all over her face as his breathing thickened.

Settling on her lips again, his hands slithered along her thighs and up her nightshirt while he angled his head in different ways to give her the kissing of a lifetime. He stopped himself, looked at her with desire pooling in his eyes.

“Barry.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to hold my pillow tonight.”

“Good, because I hadn’t planned on leaving.”

He stood up, pulled his shirt over his head to reveal a muscle-ripped, chocolate six pack and chiseled chest. He unzipped his jeans, let them fall to the floor, standing before her now wearing nothing but a pair of black boxers.

Reaching for her hand, he invited her to stand in front of him.

Accepting the invitation, she stood up, feeling his hands crawl underneath her nightshirt until he pulled it up over her head, tossing it somewhere in the room.

Standing naked, she wrapped her arms around him. “Oh, Barry. I missed you so much. I miss your smell, your hands, your eyes and your body. I missed you.”

“Missed you too, Calista,” he said, his fingertips gliding across her back. He pulled the barrette from her hair and immersed his hands into her strands. “Look at me,” he told her.

She angled her head up to meet his gaze.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Barry.”

He kissed her again with an intense hunger. He’d been starving for this for a long time now and finally, he had her.

Calista felt like she was having an out-of-body experience, feeling how in depth Barringer was taking her lips, kissing and licking them. His large hands had squeezed and cupped her bottom and she ended up on her back without knowing she was there.

“I know you can feel how much I want you right now,” he said, leaving kisses on her neck. “I know you can.”

“I want you too, Barry.”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” she said desperately. “I do.”

“Then want me because you want me and not because you want a baby,” he said, and a pained expression touched his features. “I need you to want me, Calista.”

“You are all I want Barringer Blackstone,” she said. “All I’ll ever need.”

Barringer dipped his head to claim her mouth while feeling her hands explore his body. Squeezing here. Clawing there.

“I need you closer,” she said urgently, feeling his teeth graze her neck. “Kiss me, Barry.”

She wanted his lips again, so he gave them to her, shifting his body and lowering his boxers at the same time he gobbled up her lips. Then he came down on her, letting the weight of his body restrict her while desire tore through his flesh and made his entire body ache for her.

“You want me closer, baby?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, but it came out more like a desperate whimper.

“How about this close?” he asked nudging her legs apart, easing his body in place.

She held his vision as her body welcomed his and when the overwhelming feeling of him touching the insides of her soul was too much for her senses, she closed her eyes and nibbled on her bottom lip. “Oh, Barry,” she whispered closing her eyes and savoring this moment.

His body was large on top of hers, but she welcomed the weight of him. All of him. She needed this – to feel love between them again. And by the way he was making love to her, she knew he needed to feel it, too. “Cali.”

She opened her eyes at the sound of her name floating off of his lips. “Yes, Barry,” she said, under his spell.

“Make love to me.”

Calista looked confused for a moment until she read his glossy eyes. He needed to know she loved him. Regardless. And so she wrapped her legs around him, deepening their connection and opened her mouth wide to kiss him with more aggression than she thought was necessary.

He matched her need, desiring the love he’d been without for so long. He needed this. His body needed this. His mind. His everything.

She gasped, looked at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. A tear fell from his eye that punctured her soul.

“Barry—”

“I’m sorry.”

She didn’t have to ask why he was sorry. She knew why already.

“I am truly sorry, Calista, but I love you.”

“I love you too, Barry.”

She squeezed him tighter, locked her legs around him tighter, lifting her head from the pillow to take his lips and kiss him with the same aggression he’d kissed her with until his sadness dissipated. And he reclaimed her mouth again, took control again, while the lower part of him moved slowly. Deliberately.

And then the floodgates opened. She trembled, closed her eyes and crumbled to pieces. He trembled, let out a rough, loud groan and slumped down over her. They broke apart together as they exchanged unconditional love – the way it used to be in the beginning before life took its toll on them.

The room seemed to be spinning, but they didn’t care. They just cared about each other. As the last sensations tore through their bodies, Barringer left kisses all over her clammy face and said, “You don’t know how much I missed making love to you.”

When she was able to catch a breath, Calista smiled and said, “Oh, I have an idea.”

He chuckled softly.

“I missed making love to you, too.” She kissed his lips and further down to his chin.

“Let’s make this a habit.”

Calista laughed through heavy breaths. “Okay.”

“Starting right now,” Barringer said lowering his body to hers again, kissing her lips while their sweaty bodies crashed together in heated passion.